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I've seen a huge number of threads posted in the 20something catergory that say "I'm a 18/19/20 year old bride and get a lot of negative comments. How do you deal with these comments?" and unfailingly, on ever single one of these threads, a few helpful comments are made and then there's a parade of "more experienced" brides talking about what a trainwreck their life would have been if they had married the guy they were with at that age.
Please try to be constructive. This is not helpful at all, and just brings down those of us who are happy to be getting married this young. If you see a post called "I'm 20 and want opinions on whether or not I'm too young" then by all means post, but when someone wants advice she shouldn't have to wade through stories of drunken one-night stands and abusive exes.
Please try to respect all of the other brides on here. We're not here to judge. We're here to help.
Well said! I've just turned 21, and I've found if I read enough of those sort of comments I start doubting myself and think people think I'm being stupid. But at the end of the day, we love each other and we are 110% commited to making our marriage last forever.
I'm a 31 year old bride, but I have also noticed those comments a lot lately, and don't like them at all. I'm glad you posted this.
Well said. Honestly I think people, both younger and older get married sometimes to the wrong person or for the wrong reason. I recently went to a wedding of a 20 year old bride and her 23 year old husband, and they are by far one of the most mature, responsible couples I know - older and younger. At their ages now, they are more financially secure than my 27 year old cousin and his 28 year old wife, as well as other couples we know.
I agree.
And I'm one of those that would be miserable if I'd married the boyfriend I had at 19. BUT they aren't me, they aren't dating him, and who is to say that they aren't in the right place with the right person at the right time? Everyone is different and who are we to judge them or their partner without knowing them at all.
I wouldn't want someone telling me not to marry FI because I was too old/young whatever.
I'm glad you posted this. Without fail, these people are trying to be helpful but let's keep it to topics asking if they think young marriages are okay, or whatever, not a topic asking for advice on how to deal with negative reactions.
On one level, I don't care what people I've never met think about young marriage. On the other hand, it's hard not to go and defend every blatant logical fallacy. I'm so sick of seeing people suggest that you need more life experience/to date other people/to find your independent self while having no knowledge of the mental maturity of the poster or the details of their life.
I think it's funny because I've been with my fiance for 6 years, and it will be 8 by the time we get married. That's what has worked for us, but I'd never dream of going on a post asking how to cope with naysayers in relation to an engagement after a year-long relationship and say "well, everyone is different BUT I wouldn't get married so soon because when we had only been together for a year we didn't know x, y or z about each other."
Amen!
I'm 23 and I certainly don't feel too young. I hardly ever venture over to the 20-something board because every time I go to that board (which is actually the board I would probably feel the most at-home at) I end up reading posts that just make me feel down. Asking for an opinion about marriage at a young age is one thing, but when a girl comes seeking advice and has to wade through all these horror-stories or "I wouldn't do that if I were you because...." posts...well, it just isn't that helpful, even if the best of intentions are behind it.
oh, gals, sorry to hear you are feeling unsupported. some people really are ready for marriage at that age. i have two friends who got married last year and they were 21 and 22 at the time, and i have full confidence that they will make it in the long run. i think that people are just trying to look at the bigger picture, and not being very sensitive when they do it. i think it is statistically proven that marriages that begin super young are less likely to last, but a statistic is no indication of your personal relationship! perhaps you are the outlier on the regression! (sorry, dorky MBA talk...can you tell i took a stats class recently?)
also, logically speaking, if you're not a "young" bride yourself, of COURSE you will personally have horror stories/less than optimal relationship stories from that time. of course you will want to share cautionary tales from past mishaps.. but only because any relationships prior to your soon to be husbands are less than perfect. maybe these girls are lucky enough to find their perfect match sooner rather than later. : )
Fwiw my sister married my bro in law when she was 21. They'd just both graduated from college (he was 22). While it was hard financially for them, they both did what they could and she had her degree and literally (aside from his student loans) put them through his med school years, paying for their home, cars, etc.
They've been married happily almost 20 years now, and are planning a wonderful 20 year vow renewal in vegas which we'll happily attend!
They made it through med school, internship, her owning two dress boutiques and then now she's getting ready to launch an interior design blog (i'll yet ya'll know when it's launched!) as I feel she's finally answering her inner call!
They're still in love after all this time. They take a nice couples' only anniversary trip (usually caribbean) each year, and it's all good.
Agreed! We got married at 21/22. Of course, I don't have long run statistics or anything since we just got married last year but I'm sick of the people saying that we don't know what we want and aren't mature enough to get married. People can grow and change together, you don't have to grow apart. Yes, it requires more work because you are changing and learning, but all relationships require work in different ways.
I agree and even though I am average age to get married at 25 I have had people say similiar things and with that atititude who would ever get married!! Also maybe a little insipration my mom had me at 18 and married my father at 20 and they have now been married 23 years and are very very happy and not to toot my own horn but I think I exceeded all my moms friends and family expectations of a daughter she had at 18!
Sorry kinda went of on a personal rant!!
I feel the same. I am 20 and my BF is 24. The number one thing I hear from friends is "I could never imagine being married right now." Well good then don't get married but I plan on it. I have spent 3 years with the best man I have ever met. We talk day and night about marriage, kids, church, money and all the things it takes to get far in the long run. I do not need you to ask me if i'm sure i'm ready for that or why not wait. Guess what... Us getting married now or waiting another 5 years is not going to change the fact that we love one another. I have really begun to experiance the nonstop flow of personal opinions in the world. Why does it bother you if me and my BF want to get married? It has not effect on your life.
Just a thought...if you are asking for advice on how to handle comments, maybe it is useful to understand why people say the things that they do. That way you'll have more perspective and can treat these comments accordingly.
take it this way. if your 19,20,21,22 and someone older says don't just listen to your 19-22 year old help. they are the ones that know you better not the ones who say don't.. so just go with the 20 year olds and you will get nothing but positive feedback.
I'm 53, and it has taken me until now to make a good decision about marriage, but that didn't have anything to do with my age, but rather my state of mind. I don't believe it's anyone's place to make judgements, even if we might end up being right in the long run. Our decisions, both the good and bad, help us grow. At any age, I think the important factor is to make sure the person you are marrying loves and respects you and that neither of you want to change the other. From there, it's all about compromise, consideration, partnership, patience, and laughter. Wishing long and happy marriages to all you "young ones".
P.S. I have a friend who was 22, met her husband at an airport while stranded during an airline strike, and married him three weeks later. That was 32 years ago, and they are still very happily married.
I think it's definitely out of line for people to say that you're too young, need more experience, etc... however, I think the young brides should keep in mind that no matter who you are, you DO change a lot in your 20s. Most people graduate college, move, start and quit jobs a couple of times, change friends; it's a lot of "life changes" and it can be difficult to move through them; your marriage can suffer if it doesn't change and grow along with you.
While I'm personally very happy that I am NOT married to the boyfriend I had at age 20, I know many, many couples who got married at 18/19/20 and who have fantastic marriages, wonderful families, and are so happy.
I don't think people are ready to get married at a certain age.. I think it's when you meet a specific person it happens. I got married at 23 and people looved passing judgement on my husband and I (he was 28). Screw people who do that. :)
I agree that its a state of mind and not an age thing. cheers to you for getting married young and knowing what you want. i am a firm believer that age is just a number.
it really has nothing to do with age, i didn't get married that young, because i wasn't ready, not because it's too young! i was immature, and in a bad place(note this is me) and some people are ready at that age. some people whoi get married at 18 get divorced and some people who get married at 75 get divorced, it's really about love, maturity, and commitment. and as everyone knows, marriage is work... duh, we all know that. i feel you to some degree, i'm getting married in 3 weeks, and feel like everyone keeps telling me, oh you better make sure your ready. hello! i'm ready or i wouldn't do it. so, if nothing else, i might be a little jealous that i wasn't ready 5-7 years ago, and had been able to be married by now!
I've stopped listening to people. As I've gotten older I have noticed that the main people giving advice shouldn't because they don't know themselves that well (and they are alot older than me).
I think of it like this: Love is like a teasure hunt, some people find the treasure sooner than others. It wouldn't make since to throw away the treasure just because I found it sooner.
Good job for this post. I'll be a few days out from turning 26 when I get married but I was 19 when I met my fella and I would have gladly married him in a heartbeat back then if he'd asked me! We talked about getting married very early on in our relationship and regardless of our ages we're right for each other and we knew it! I think this whole "you need time to date other people" thing is so disrespectful - why suggest to people who are clearly in happy functional relationships that they should throw it away in order to experience things that are going to affect their long term happiness?! IMO if you're lucky enough to meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you decide that getting married is what you want to do, it shouldn't matter how old you are - people should be happy for you!
I thought this post was interesting as the 'young' brides post wholeheartedly about the negativity surrounding their age. Let me put a different twist on it...
@ 20 people scream they are too young - fact: brain development has not completed. Lack of life experiences propagate quick divorce when adult pressures arise. Quick divorce rates and separations at the first sign of conflict. People say "you are too young" simply because they are concerned. Quit taking it personally. it isn't about you, but about the odds against you. If you are strong and secure, get married, to hell with everyone else and their opinions.
@ 30, people think they are spinsters (why did it take so long?) and they still get the snarky commentary about being a bride for the first or even a second time.
@ 40 brides are likely divorced and trying to blend a new life/family/lifestyle together which is is replete with much conflict and a hundred opinions doomed to failure.
@50+ People think you're too old, trying to act too young...
Are you getting the picture? EVeryone will receive some dose of the same stuff the young ones get piled with. My response back in the day and even today--who the hell cares what anyone else thinks. If you are going to do it, quit bitching about what other people think and get over it and on with your life as you choose. So someone doesn't like what or who or how you're leading your life, as long as you are happy, then continue on :) The more attention you draw to your young age, the more people will have to respond with. Quit providing the ammunition! lol
PS Hopefully nobody takes offense, I just wanted to point out that as 'young' brides, they do an awful lot of griping about being young, but even with age, other brides still catch hell, too. Too much hubub about nothing but the inability to please the people around them. If you're old enough to marry, you're old enough to be over other people's opinions :)
here here! its all been said, but thanks for posting! Its my life, ill do whatever the hell i want with it! :-)
anyway, its making mistakes the way we gain the life experiences? Ive been living on my own since I was 17, Ive travelled the world and now my fiance and i support ourselves financially. I have a wonderful group of friends for support but no family living in this country with me.
But none of this matters, I know that this is whats right for me. No one but you can tell you or know what is best for you. Its your life ladies, do what you want with it because you only get one!
@glasshoppah, I mever argued that young marriages are equally successful, nor that other brides don't also face judgement. We all do. What I said was that people need to stop hijacking posts with their judgements. When a bride is asking for advice on how to handle her judgemental friends/family/coworkers, it is rude and unhelpful to post even more of the judgements that she's trying to deal with IRL.
I will be 24 when we get married (not sure where the "young" line falls), but FI and I will have been together for 6+ years by then. So we will be marrying the person we were with at ages 18/19/20 and on. Just like many others bees here.
Thanks for this post. Why can't we be supportive of one another rather than judgmental?
Just throwing my support up here for the young brides! My brother and SIL married when they were 17 & 18. Ten years later they are still going strong! It's not the age of the wine, it's the quality of the grapes!
My parents got married at 18 and 21 and they're hitting 35 years June 13th. It absolutely depends on the person.
@MichelleMyBell. Ahhh, it was my hope my scribblings would not be interpreted as such. Young brides do need all the support they can, but they must also own their decisions and get on with their lives despite others negative opinions. I've been there, done that, have seen it go well and have seen it go bad. External stressors can destroy relationships and the young, especially have to learn to overcome that positively. Most stressed external relationships usually repair in short time after the young marriage is complete and life goes on. There is light at the end of the tunnel. :)
WB is a great place for venting those issues and am glad to see that there are so many people who truly care. Marriage is not something to take lightly. Most of society does not take a young marriage seriously even though many young couples are quite mature emotionally, even if not in years. A lot of what I see on here (and don't typically comment on) is the bride/couple allowing the naysayers' drama to affect them and they should absolutely just get on with their life regardless. It is that simple. Hope that clarifies :)
Thank you for this, it really needed to be said.
I totally agree that it's ridiculous to judge a situation that you are not familiar with. That said, I also agree with Glasshoppah that there have been quite a few "Hate being young/looking young" etc. posts lately. I understand the concerns young people have and I'm not quite 30 yet, but also be sensitive to the older brides. Maybe some are bitter that they are not 20 anymore, maybe some wished to have been married earlier. I think everyone just needs to keep in mind that this site caters to an extremely diverse group of brides, geographically, culturally, religiously, age-ousely and by posting you open yourself up to comments from people with a very different background from your own. You may get unsolicited advice...luckily most people on this site are extremely polite, which is awesome.
This post made me chuckle a little bit....I remember talking about my wedding to a coworker recently and another coworker that I dont know really well made a comment "you're getting married! what are you, like 12 years old?" BRUTAL. I just hate that I'm constantly being asked to justify my decision....I'm almost 23 and apparently I should only want to get married to have kids, buy a house or have sex for the first time....apparently "wanting to make a committment" and "celebrating the love two people share for one another" is no longer a justifiable excuse for why one should wed....I couldn't imagine going through this if I were 18, or 19-- too much bad energy. Definately have respect for all the younger-than-myself brides out there who are putting up with it!!
I agree completely! We'll be 21/22 when we get married, but we've been together for almost 5 years now, which is a LOT longer than a lot of married couples I know!
Agreed! To me, it is just annoying to listen to the "experienced" aka older people act as if we don't know exactly what we're getting ourselves into. I don't feel like just because you are older that you automatically know what you're talking about when it comes to relationships. My husband (we just got married) and I have been together for 7 years, which is way longer than a lot of people are together before they get married. I'm very sick of people making comments like "wow! you guys are just rushing through life". Just because we're young in age doesn't mean that we are rushing anything, we've been together for 7 years for pete's sake.
Congrats, bloodgo1! :) I know exactly what you mean. When we get married in August we'll have been together for 5 years, so some of the "more expreienced brides" are older, but haven't been with their SO for nearly as long.
@sarahsd, I know some older brides may feel bitter when younger brides complain about being treated differently because of their age, but please keep in mind that these posts are generally put on the 20something board. I don't like seeing plus-size girls complain about all the boob they have, because I'm built like a fence rail, but they put it on their board, so I ignore it.
Thank you for saying that! I hate when people come up to me and tell me that I'm too young to get married when I am a lot more mature than MANY of the people I know my age. I may not be in college but a few months back I had two jobs, was working 80 hrs a week, paying rent, cleaning the apartment and holding it all together while my FI was working his 40 hr work week. It's tough but I have to say I'm so so happy and looking forward to the day me and him finally tie the knot.
I agree, if we ask for opinions like i did then fine but if your asking for some support or venting then why be rude and judgemental? to many people think that your age is like what makes or break a marriage and they get to caught up in that, another thing is people are VERY set in their ways and have a hard time even just trying to see it from another POV. anyways, people need to start being a little less judgemental and more supportive.
The last threads regarding this issue, I believe were started by someone who wanted to know why getting married young was a bad idea. If the op did not want our opinions, perhaps she should not have asked. If people ask me my opinion, I give it, I don't baby grown women.
If the op didn't want to hear anything negative or different than what she was hoping for when asking for opinions, perhaps that points to a lack of maturity (which has nothing to do with age).
@menobride: I agree completely. I also believe if you do not want to hear the opinions of others, don't ask. I don't think any one actually told these young weddingbees not to get married, just why some folks think it is not a good idea to marry young. I seriously doubt some posts from older brides will discourage any one from getting married.
When I get married on 5-14-2011, I will be twenty (turning 21 less than a month later), and I completely understand all of the frustrations that come with being a young bride.
Regardless of how I've been treated about it (on Weddingbee boards or otherwise), I can see BOTH sides of the issue. I understand that many young marriages fail, and that leaves people with a bad taste in their mouths and something to say about it. ESPECIALLY when they are asked their opinion on the matter.
However, I would like to point out that ALL marriages have the potential of failure, regardless of the ages of the couple. Marriage is hard, I get that. Young marriage can be harder, I get that, too. But there are so many of them that DO last that there is no solid answer on whether or not marrying young is a bad idea.
My family is riddled with marriages that ended in divorce, whereas my fiance's family has none. Every couple in his family married young and ALL of them lasted.
My point is - Marriage is hard on couples, no matter what the age. It is a true test of love and patience. For the people that have had/seen bad experiences with young marriage, there are just as many that have had/seen good experiences with it. Every couple is different, and every one has just as much ability to stay happy and healthy as another. I appreciate honest advice - but only when every angle is considered.
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