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Okay ladies... I need some tips. My FI works in corporate america at a job that didn't use to be very busy (he kept 830-5 kind of hours on a very regular basis), but in the last few months has been NUTS. He goes in early, stays late, works weekends. This couldn't come at a worse time with us getting engaged, starting wedding planning, and buying a house. But, part of the reason they're so busy is because they've had some lay-offs and I am SUPER grateful that FI still has a job, and one in which he is so needed (overtime = job security I guess, right?).
So anyways... I have coped relatively well so far, but we're closing on our house the last weekend of Jan (yay!!). FI informed me this week that there is 0% chance he can get even one day off to help me paint (which means I either need to do it myself or try to do all of our moving, cleaning old places, painting, assembling, etc all in a 2 day weekend). He also told me that it's going to be hard for him to get off by 2:30 on the day of our closing so he can be at our appointment by 3... but he'll just tell his boss he'll come right back after we're done (!)!
Rational me says: This is not his fault, he doesn't WANT to work so much he has to. I know his coworkers and they are going through the same things and their relationships are more strained than ours are. It sucks but I just need to keep my mouth shut and not complain because I don't need to make his life any harder by whining about what he can't fix.
Emotional me says: THIS BLOWS. We are buying our first house together and that is something that should be cherished and celebrated! It shouldn't be done over a long lunch and I shouldn't have to nest alone.
So girls... I need your help telling my emotional-me to stfu (to put it eloquently). Do you have FIs/DHs with crazy busy jobs? How do you cope with not seeing each other enough? How do you keep yourself from whining about the things he can't do?
My husband made a conscious decision to work less - He didn't come out and tell me, but I know he's making an effort to be home more. Some jobs are like that - you work and work and never make a dent. I didn't really let it bother me before, but i think that HE felt bad being away from home, especially now that we are married. Corgi - i think your FI will do what he can, especially b/c he WANTS to be home with you doing that stuff!
I totally feel you! My fiance is a budding a doctor - a surgeon in fact, and it is no irregular day that he has to work 12 or even 14 hours, at least 6 days of the week. When I first moved to Syracuse to join him here, we had a rough couple of months - I didn't have my own life, or my own friends and I wanted all his free time. However, I've always been independent, and I've had to learn how to keep my schedule packed so I'm not sitting around waiting for him, and to create my own social network. I would be TOTALLY frustated about the house too, I think it's ok that you're upset, but you do have to live the situation as it is! Enjoy your lunch break with your love as you close on your house (!!!!!) and then grab your girlfriends and paint that house! You may actually have an awesome time and bond with your girls too!
Short story: I feel your pain but I'm sure you will be able to make that house awesome even without him - and he will appreciate you all the more for it!
My husband works in retail... he has some seriously crappy hours. :( I don't deal with it well, to be honest.
Ugh. I feel your pain! My FI is an accountant, and usually he's only busy during "tax season" (march - april?), but lately he's been out on a bunch of audits and has been working really long days. We're moving into our first house in Feb and he can't get time off either. It totally SUCKS. I don't have any advice lol.
*hugs* Mr. KM is working 6-7 days a week right now and its so hard because since we don't live together and our schedules are usually quite opposite of eachother, I don't get to see him nearly as much. Cit down with Mr. Corgi and tell him that you need to feel like a priority for 1 day a week. That's what we're doing right now (though he does a much better job of making me a priority than I expected) and it's been working alot better.
I'm so sorry your FI is working so much! Is there a time limit for this extra work? If there is, it makes it a lot easier to get through. Could you wait to do some of the nesting until he is done? The house will still need to be painted months later. The only other advice I have is to try and do things that work on your relationship when you have time off. I hope it gets better for you two!
@melissabegins- thanks for the insight. i wish he could decide to work less... but unfortunately he is part of a team and he doesn't get to go home until the boss says so. boss's wife just had a baby too... methinks he just doesn't want to go home and is making his team pay? jk!
@eriqua- good point. i dont really have a group of girl friends here but i did have one of my best (male) friends offer to come and help me. i think that is what i will end up doing in the end... i just think i'm going to spend the day wishing my FI was there with me instead.
Do you have other friends and family you can shift the demands of "emotional me" onto?
It's scary how much your post sounds like what I would write!
My FI works for himself and also has a night job so he is extremely busy and is never around to help with any of the house buying process. I have seen all of the houses by myself, checked out areas, went to the bank, got out paperwork/credit reports in order, etc. I am in the stage before you of trying to find a house and at times I find it so overwhelming that I just stop and cry from all of the stress.
I just try to keep reminding myself why he is working. He is working so I can buy the house I fall in love with and he's not there with me because he doesn't care but because he trusts my judgement and wants me to be happy. Does you FI have any time off on the weekends, even if it's a Sunday. Try to plan in advance a list of things that need to get done and times when you can both do it together.
So I guess planning ahead and reminding yourself why he is working is my advice. Good luck, and remember everything will get done. Noone has everything done in their house before they move in, everything happens piece by piece.
@missasb- um... there may be a time limit. This month is *particularly* bad because he is a corporate accountant and its year end, but it was bad before this too for a few months. So, it should definitely be better after year end (i.e. Feb 1), but it will still prob be bad for the indefinite future. we'll have to talk about putting stuff off maybe. i just worry if we put it off it'll never get done :)
My FI works pretty much every day from 7am to 8pm at his office, and usually works on Sundays as well (from home at least). His job is also high stress, and he gets calls in the middle of the night on the regular as well. Basically, it sucks. I feel like during the week, there's like an hour or so when we get to hang out, and then we eat dinner and go to bed.
The thing is, I know it makes him sad as well, so I try to be cheerful when he gets home and make it a fun time, even if it's only for an hour. That puts him in a good mood, and not feeling guilty for coming home late. We also usually end up staying up later than we really should, since we don't get to see each other til late.
Emailing and little phone calls during the day help it seem like it goes by faster, and also makes me feel closer to him, even if I know he's not going to be home for hours. Planning fun things on the weekend is also good, even though it's tempting just to veg out at home during the one or two days that we're actually both there (not that we don't do this as well!).
As for him missing stuff with your first house (very exciting btw!), I don't really have any good advice. Sometimes it's nice to say to my FI, "I know you can't do anything about your job situation, and I understand that, but I just need to complain for a minute" and then vent to him. He's usually pretty understanding about it. :) Do you have any friends who can help you move/help you out with the painting and stuff?
Yep, unfortunately you just have to chill :o/ I've been on both sides of this. At my last job, I was working twelve hour days and going to school. I was basically just sleeping at our apartment. And sometimes FI's job is really crazy and he's working late and doing work at home. Nobody chooses it and it does suck but you can't keep nagging because there's nothing you can do about it.
I've done the leaving work for an appointment thing and coming back to work until 9pm. I unpacked our entire first apartment by myself because FI had to work. And FI set up our entire second apartment because I had to work. Life sucks sometimes.
I work 70hrs/week on average and FI works 80 hours/week (and he is ALWAYS on call to answer emails and stuff). So we don't get much time together. You just have to make the most of the time you have, and realize that at least you have each other and are living together, which is a lot more than other couples. Life is a trade-off between time and money. If he had all the time in the world to be with you, you couldn't afford to do many of the fun things you'd like to do together anyway.
In the short term, can you get a friend or relative to help you with the moving and painting so that it's not overwhelming? I know how hard it is not to b*tch about him working a lot - I used to do this all the time. But that ruins even the limited time you have together. So when he comes home, focus on the fact that he's here now, not on how long you had to wait. And try to stay busy with your own interests and pursuits.
In the long term, if it looks like the job is not going to quiet down, think about other options together. Hopefully all the work he is putting in will make it possible for him to get a promotion to a job that's not as intense or even start looking for a new job. I think it is important to be on the same page about how much you guys want to be working. We made the decision together to spend a few years doing these intense careers. Maybe you'd be ok with him taking a pay cut if it means he could be home more. So if the long hours continue, you can figure out alternatives that are acceptable to both of you.
True, but you shouldn't have to stress yourself out about getting it done all on your own either. It should be fun, not torture.
Mr. Swan has a very busy job. It's been like this since we met with the exception of when he was laid off for a good portion of 2009. It definitely is hard to take because even when he's home sometimes he's working or on the Blackberry. I am very happy that he is has a job right now (so is he!). I try to make sure that I am pleasant and supportive of him when he is home and can relax. I try to make sure that he enjoys that time, and we do things or focus on each other. That being said, it's not easy, but I also know that part of the reason he is motivated to do this has a lot to do with us and our future. I hope this helps some.
My FH is a public accountant, so this is a great time of year to (not) see him. To help reduce the suckiness, we set aside one evening a week to spend together - no making other plans, working, etc. In the past, we've usually just made dinner and watched a movie together, but this year I have a feeling it's going to be also delegated as "wedding planning time".
So, although I know I won't get to spend a lot of time with him during the week (and weekend), there is that 3-4 hour stretch of time that's all mine. Maybe setting up a similar routine would help?
@roxy- omg girl, i have been there. I think I actually wrote a post about it last month too. I was doing 99% of all the leg-work for the house search and basically would spend HOURS scouring areas, houses, on the phone with mortgage brokers and real estate agents, and all he had to do was show up at a house i had pre-approved and give me a thumbs up or down. it sucks! i guess i got over that once we picked a house and i got so excited about that! maybe it will be the same with this? once the nesting is done i'll be so happy about it i'll forget about what it took to get there? And yea... we do have weekends together, usually we can find 1 day to hang out. We just can't do a lot of the house stuff on those days since the necessary offices are closed.
@mrbee- yea kind of... although it isn't really that i'm feeling neglected generally. he's just been physically absent from a lot of the process and i've felt like i'm doing the house thing alone, which makes me cranky.
First of all, it's okay to say that THIS BLOWS... because it does!! I don't really have any answers for you, but I can commiserate with you. Boyfriend has been working 10+ hours a day, leaving at 8:30 in the morning and not coming home until 7:30 at night. Add in the fact that I work evenings shifts until 11:30 a few nights a week AND weekends... I get home and he's sleeping already... He leaves for work in the morning and I'm still snoozing from my late night shift. You get the point!!
The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to do your best to make time for each other... Time that doesn't involve talking about the house, the move, the wedding, etc. I know this sounds IMPOSSIBLE... but try and do the best that you can with the precious time you have together. Just remember that he's not doing this because he wants to, and I am sure that he is just as frustrated as you are. He knows that (and it seems like you know to) in the long run all this overtime will pay off because he'll still have a job!! I know it's uber stressful now, but it won't be like this forever and eventually when things calm down at work, he will be there for you to help out with your new home.
In the meantime rely on your friends and family. Invite them over for packing and painting and anything else you need done! When my boyfriend actually moved all of our stuff into a new apartment while I was out of the country (I know, he is a saint....) he bought pizza and beers for every night that his friends came over to help him pack/move all of our stuff... they got a free dinner and he was able to move out (relatively) stress-free.
Hang in there, and congrats on your new home!!!
*hugs* When I get a job I usually spend at least 4 weeks working "rehearsal hours" which means I do a 9-5, but FH works a theatre shift of 12 - 10 so it means I don't see him in the morning and he goes off in the afternoon and doesn't get back until midnight on some nights. It's hard and we always end up arguing about it.
I don't want to give advice in this situation because I know it's very different from couple to couple. But what FH and I do is we try to make sure we have one time set aside for each other every week - it might be a morning for 4 hours or going out for dinner after work or chilling at home but we always make sure we get some quality time during the week and that time then gets translated into doing stuff together that we have to do.
I'm sure your husband will rally round for you. It's probably eating him up inside that he can't be there to move you guys into your new home and I'm sure he'll pull through.
Random side note: maybe he can hire movers/painters to help out? That might take a lot of the load off of you!
@mrbee- i wish :) we have looked into it its not in our budget.
Note though: I may not have been totally clear-- he DOES think he'll have the weekend off so he will be around to help move and we do have friends coming to help us with that on the Saturday after we close. I just really wanted him to get the Friday off (or at least a half day) to help me paint. I have to be at the house anyways waiting for our furniture to get delivered so I might as well be painting while I"m there... and I wanted his help.
Also, I'm not feeling like even more of a brat after reading how many of you have situations where you only get to see your S/Os for a few hours/week!
@ corgi Also wanted to add that it seems like part of your resentment stems from the fact that you feel like moving into the house and "nesting" is a rite of passage and a key life moment that you need to experience with FI. So even if you get help from someone else, you'll be upset that you're not sharing this with him.
While it would definitely be great to have him there, that moment isn't like getting married or having a baby. There's ALWAYS going to be home projects or repairs or remodeling you can do, and there might be other moves and houses in the future too. So don't think of it as a once-in-a-lifetime moment that you HAVE to share with FI.
Boy do I understand! Mr. Valhalla often works very long hours at his engineering company. He says it is "expected of everyone", even thought he doesn't like it. Often he tries to leave, and someone will grab him on his way out for his opinion on something, and it ends up taking 30 min or more. Recently, things have been better (he's been getting home at 6:30, which is AMAZINGLY early for him! I think the actual hours of his job are 8-5???
I work 12 hour shifts with nursing, so I understand how long days simply take all the energy out of you. I love hilsy85's post - some great advice there. I'll be thinking of your Corgi!
Something that might help is to hear a perspective from the other side. I work a lot sometimes and my FH is finishing law school right now so he's home a lot more. You have no idea how much I appreciate him being there when I get home. When I'm working a lot and am stressed there is no way to overstate how much I love seeing him at the end of the day and him being loving to me. I think about it during the day when I need a pick me up. I love it so much when he runs errands for us or even for me. And I miss him more during these times.
So if your FH is like me this is an opportunity for you to build up mega mega points. :) Seriously, knowing I have him and he loves me and he supports my work while I'm working too much makes the inside of my chest tight in an idescribably good way.
@girlwitharing- you said exactly what i meant, but way better than i said it! that is exactly how i feel. It isn't that he is doing it intentionally or is ignoring me or is ALWAYS absent, and it isn't that I can't get what needs to be done or get help from other people. I just feel like this is such an "event" i wish that it could be celebrated appropriately between the two of us. I wish we could sign the papers then go get take-out and eat it on the floor of our new dining room. I wish we could do all the painting ourselves so that everything about the house was a labor of our joint effort. I guess I am getting very hung up in the idealic way I want it to happen. And I guess I do just need to get over it. There will be lots of first with him. And, I guess, other rooms will need to be painted at some point.
As an aside, I have personally underestimated just how important these nesting milestones can be to my wonderful wife.
I really don't care about where I live, other than how close the nearest corner store is and whether or not it sells Diet Peach Snapple. I would never paint an apartment, even if there were marks all over the walls. I just don't care.
Is it possible your FI doesn't get how important this is to you? I mean, intellectually he may understand... but does he really get it?
@ Corgi--I TOTALLY understand what you mean about it being an event. One of my fave memories of moving in with FI is eating cereal out of a huge mixing bowl for dinner because we hadnt unpacked any of our plates/bowls yet. BUT there are going to be sooo many opportunities to create fun memories like that, so don't put so much pressure on yourself and him to have the first days/nights of moving in to be perfect/idealistic, as you said. :) And he'll probly be so happy and grateful to come home on Friday and see you in your new home together!! It is a very exciting time, so enjoy it--soon it'll all be about who didn't put their dishes away and whose socks are under the couch =P
i'm usually on the other side of this--my job can be more demanding and is based more on the workload than hours, and fi has set hours. plus, i often travel for work, and i also just applied to grad school and over the summer was in a gre prep class 2 nights/week...so basically, i've been ridiculously busy on and off for the past couple years, and fi has picked up the slack a lot for me. it stinks because i feel so, so guilty that we aren't equally sharing the responsibilities, and we both get really frustrated. what helps us is recognizing we're both contributing to "us," just in different ways. and when i had "free" time outside of work/applications, i really tried to focus on making it quality us-time. it totally stinks that he has to miss these important moments, but trying to focus on making the best out of the little bits of time you have might help? and also, make sure he thanks you for all the work you're putting in to the house :) i also try to thank my fi for all he does when work scoops me away
@mrbee- good point. we might need to talk about that bc i guess we really haven't. i know he is SUPER excited about owning our first home together... but he really might not understand that its important to me to have it look nice and set it up together
@hilsy- lol. those would be MY socks under the couch. I'm the messy one between the two of us, eek!
Aww, Corgi, I feel for you. I'm in the same boat most of the time, and honestly, I have just learned to live with it. I used to get upset about him missing things, but the important thing is that I have learned not to hold any resentment. I know that if it is something that is truly important he'll be there, but I understand how important his job is to him.
And have fun with the new house!!
I know you've said it already - that you're grateful he still has a job. It might help to keep reminding yourself that. FI has been unemployed for over a year. He's got a couple bartending jobs that keep him out & working 7p-5a. He also found a part-time job that has him driving about an hour each way and usually he doesn't get home till 10-11pm when he does work but both job pay really well.
It does stink for me being home alone a lot but I have to remember that I'm glad he's working at least. Finances are very tight lately - we're scratching to save for our wedding, he's basically living off PB&J and we can't afford our own home. Still, we're better off than most people so I'm just grateful for what we do have. It helps for me to remember that sometimes when I'm home or going to sleep alone at night.
Hope this helps. Hang in there, it won't last forever. ;)
I think with any job there will be periods where it is CRAZY busy. It seems like your FI is going through that right now.
I personally don't think there is anything wrong with signing papers over a extended lunch period but it will take A LOT longer than your FI is probably hoping it will. SO chances are he'll be heading back after hours. Is it possible for your FI to leave at 2:30pm go sign papers with you and bring his work home with him? You can treat him for all the hard hours he's been putting in at work with a nice homemade dinner. Get a nice bottle of celebratory wine and celebrate purchasing your new home?
As for nesting...trust me there will be tons more to do than painting! You'll have plenty of chances to nest together.
Can you have a house painting party- cheap pizza and beer to friends who come over and help paint, play lots of music, etc? A friend of mind did that and we had a blast!
I understand the long hours thing, my guys is looking into a job where he would actually get an occasional Saturday off more than once every 6 months. At this point, we are scheduling all of our vendor appointments on Sundays since that is the only day we have off together. We have discussed that this lifestyle where he is not home for a normal dinner cannot continue when we have a family.
I understand that he will have late nights, as I have my share of them too, but I would like to have 3-4 days a week where we are not eating dinner past 9pm. In exchange I am also looking for a job that does not require me to be hooked up to a Blackberry 24/7 to be on call. We are also compromising with the house work- the more he works, the less hours I have to work and can spend more time at home taking care of things there. It is a temporary solution until we jobs that we actually enjoy with better hours.
First, congratulations!
I'm sorry you're having to shoulder a lot of this alone. It sounds like there are two components here-- both time and input. Although it's really difficult for your FI to dedicate large chunks of time to the process, would it make you feel better if he took an active role in decision-making? Like if you went to the store and picked out paint chips, then talk about it when he gets home. (It's probably too late since you're painting already, but you get the idea.) Or keeping a folder with examples of x furniture item (dining table, sofa, etc) and getting his input on colors/style/feel?
From the perspective of a girl who works 80-hr weeks regularly (60 in slow season), I can't tell you how great it is to have an FI who is understanding about it. I'm also actively looking for positions that have more reasonable hours, because I really do miss him when I'm at work and love to just cuddle up on the couch and destress when I get home. I think you're being super thoughtful to vent about it to the hive and trying to keep his stress levels down.
Another thought is, maybe you can think up mini-surprises and use the time to set them up? If he comes home late, you could have a picnic with candles on your dining room floor instead of take-out... or champagne and strawberries in the bathtub? You guys will have this house for a while and it will definitely reflect the two of you as a unit, don't worry. And think of all the great memories you can make! Keep your chin up, I'm sure your FI appreciates you immensely, and hopefully his hours will go back to normal soon.
I totally understand how much this sucks, CorgiTales. FI and I are both way busier than we would like, and sometimes I get really pouty about the little amount of time we have to do wedding stuff together, because I'd really like us to be able to enjoy it. I think it is something a lot of people go through in one way or another. I don't really have much advice for you, other than to say I understand! I think Mr. Bee has a point though - communicate with your FI about it, so he understands why this is important, and try to see if any friends or family can help you nest!
My partner has to put up with my crazy work schedule. I can't change the number of hours I'm working, I can only change the way we spend the time that I'm not working... That means that I shut down the computer when we're both home and we plan ahead to get our joint projects done.
So much of our life care maintenance falls to him, and it really is unfair... but it won't be changing any time soon. I *know* it is unfair, and I try to make it up in other ways... but really for the foreseeable future this is how it's going to be.
Luckily, we have lots of good friends that he can hang out with while I'm not around and he has developed a number of side projects that will help us in the long run!
I fully understand Corgi!
My FI is in the same position as your FI. When we first started dating he worked 8-4 Monday to Friday & he'd even come home for an hour & a half for lunch. Well no more. He's in court all day, every day... and when he's out he's preparing for trial.
What's worse is that we're 3000 miles apart & we bank on having our nightly phone conversations. Its what keeps us connected... so when they don't happen I freak out. I get moody & annoyed. I know he HAS to work, but I hate that it takes away from us. It's hard enough being apart, but try not talking for 2 or 3 days. You need a ton of trust & faith in your relationship lol.
Whenever I get worked up into a tizzy, I just take a deep breath & remember that he's doing this for "us". He could quit & take a less busy job, but then we'd have to sacrifice what we want for our future. I'm sure the rush is only temporary & things will settle down again :) (atleast we can hope)
We both work in corporate america in the same industry and have different 'busy' times of the year. His is in Sept/Oct and mine is Dec/Jan. During his busy time, he was taking a car service home at around 10/11 every night and sometimes working on weekends. My busy time is very similar. With us, it is frustrating and lonely, but we can at least see a light at the end of the tunnel. Since we work in the same industry, we understand WHY we both have busy periods and WHEN they will end.
It is hard for me while he's in busy season, but what helps is that we make a point to free up our weekends for 'us' time that no one else can tap into. We don't make plans with friends, we put off all projects and definitely no traveling (which is such a huge part of our lives).
If your FI is busy b/c people have been laid off, it might be harder to see a light at the end of the tunnel. But at least what economists are predicting is the job market will start picking up again once competition is impossible given the 'cut to the bone' workforces. So once his company can't get any more out of him and can't get ahead with only him, they will start hiring again. At least you can feel better knowing that!
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