Post # 1
Okay ladies… I need some tips. My FI works in corporate america at a job that didn’t use to be very busy (he kept 830-5 kind of hours on a very regular basis), but in the last few months has been NUTS. He goes in early, stays late, works weekends. This couldn’t come at a worse time with us getting engaged, starting wedding planning, and buying a house. But, part of the reason they’re so busy is because they’ve had some lay-offs and I am SUPER grateful that FI still has a job, and one in which he is so needed (overtime = job security I guess, right?).
So anyways… I have coped relatively well so far, but we’re closing on our house the last weekend of Jan (yay!!). FI informed me this week that there is 0% chance he can get even one day off to help me paint (which means I either need to do it myself or try to do all of our moving, cleaning old places, painting, assembling, etc all in a 2 day weekend). He also told me that it’s going to be hard for him to get off by 2:30 on the day of our closing so he can be at our appointment by 3… but he’ll just tell his boss he’ll come right back after we’re done (!)!
Rational me says: This is not his fault, he doesn’t WANT to work so much he has to. I know his coworkers and they are going through the same things and their relationships are more strained than ours are. It sucks but I just need to keep my mouth shut and not complain because I don’t need to make his life any harder by whining about what he can’t fix.
Emotional me says: THIS BLOWS. We are buying our first house together and that is something that should be cherished and celebrated! It shouldn’t be done over a long lunch and I shouldn’t have to nest alone.
So girls… I need your help telling my emotional-me to stfu (to put it eloquently). Do you have FIs/DHs with crazy busy jobs? How do you cope with not seeing each other enough? How do you keep yourself from whining about the things he can’t do?
Post # 3
My husband made a conscious decision to work less – He didn’t come out and tell me, but I know he’s making an effort to be home more. Some jobs are like that – you work and work and never make a dent. I didn’t really let it bother me before, but i think that HE felt bad being away from home, especially now that we are married. Corgi – i think your FI will do what he can, especially b/c he WANTS to be home with you doing that stuff!
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden
I totally feel you! My fiance is a budding a doctor – a surgeon in fact, and it is no irregular day that he has to work 12 or even 14 hours, at least 6 days of the week. When I first moved to Syracuse to join him here, we had a rough couple of months – I didn’t have my own life, or my own friends and I wanted all his free time. However, I’ve always been independent, and I’ve had to learn how to keep my schedule packed so I’m not sitting around waiting for him, and to create my own social network. I would be TOTALLY frustated about the house too, I think it’s ok that you’re upset, but you do have to live the situation as it is! Enjoy your lunch break with your love as you close on your house (!!!!!) and then grab your girlfriends and paint that house! You may actually have an awesome time and bond with your girls too!
Short story: I feel your pain but I’m sure you will be able to make that house awesome even without him – and he will appreciate you all the more for it!
Post # 5
My husband works in retail… he has some seriously crappy hours. 🙁 I don’t deal with it well, to be honest.
Post # 6
Ugh. I feel your pain! My FI is an accountant, and usually he’s only busy during “tax season” (march – april?), but lately he’s been out on a bunch of audits and has been working really long days. We’re moving into our first house in Feb and he can’t get time off either. It totally SUCKS. I don’t have any advice lol.
Post # 7
*hugs* Mr. KM is working 6-7 days a week right now and its so hard because since we don’t live together and our schedules are usually quite opposite of eachother, I don’t get to see him nearly as much. Cit down with Mr. Corgi and tell him that you need to feel like a priority for 1 day a week. That’s what we’re doing right now (though he does a much better job of making me a priority than I expected) and it’s been working alot better.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry your FI is working so much! Is there a time limit for this extra work? If there is, it makes it a lot easier to get through. Could you wait to do some of the nesting until he is done? The house will still need to be painted months later. The only other advice I have is to try and do things that work on your relationship when you have time off. I hope it gets better for you two!
Post # 9
@melissabegins- thanks for the insight. i wish he could decide to work less… but unfortunately he is part of a team and he doesn’t get to go home until the boss says so. boss’s wife just had a baby too… methinks he just doesn’t want to go home and is making his team pay? jk!
@eriqua- good point. i dont really have a group of girl friends here but i did have one of my best (male) friends offer to come and help me. i think that is what i will end up doing in the end… i just think i’m going to spend the day wishing my FI was there with me instead.
Post # 10
Do you have other friends and family you can shift the demands of “emotional me” onto?
Post # 11
It’s scary how much your post sounds like what I would write!
My FI works for himself and also has a night job so he is extremely busy and is never around to help with any of the house buying process. I have seen all of the houses by myself, checked out areas, went to the bank, got out paperwork/credit reports in order, etc. I am in the stage before you of trying to find a house and at times I find it so overwhelming that I just stop and cry from all of the stress.
I just try to keep reminding myself why he is working. He is working so I can buy the house I fall in love with and he’s not there with me because he doesn’t care but because he trusts my judgement and wants me to be happy. Does you FI have any time off on the weekends, even if it’s a Sunday. Try to plan in advance a list of things that need to get done and times when you can both do it together.
So I guess planning ahead and reminding yourself why he is working is my advice. Good luck, and remember everything will get done. Noone has everything done in their house before they move in, everything happens piece by piece.
Post # 12
@missasb- um… there may be a time limit. This month is *particularly* bad because he is a corporate accountant and its year end, but it was bad before this too for a few months. So, it should definitely be better after year end (i.e. Feb 1), but it will still prob be bad for the indefinite future. we’ll have to talk about putting stuff off maybe. i just worry if we put it off it’ll never get done 🙂
Post # 13
My FI works pretty much every day from 7am to 8pm at his office, and usually works on Sundays as well (from home at least). His job is also high stress, and he gets calls in the middle of the night on the regular as well. Basically, it sucks. I feel like during the week, there’s like an hour or so when we get to hang out, and then we eat dinner and go to bed.
The thing is, I know it makes him sad as well, so I try to be cheerful when he gets home and make it a fun time, even if it’s only for an hour. That puts him in a good mood, and not feeling guilty for coming home late. We also usually end up staying up later than we really should, since we don’t get to see each other til late.
Emailing and little phone calls during the day help it seem like it goes by faster, and also makes me feel closer to him, even if I know he’s not going to be home for hours. Planning fun things on the weekend is also good, even though it’s tempting just to veg out at home during the one or two days that we’re actually both there (not that we don’t do this as well!).
As for him missing stuff with your first house (very exciting btw!), I don’t really have any good advice. Sometimes it’s nice to say to my FI, “I know you can’t do anything about your job situation, and I understand that, but I just need to complain for a minute” and then vent to him. He’s usually pretty understanding about it. 🙂 Do you have any friends who can help you move/help you out with the painting and stuff?
Post # 14
Yep, unfortunately you just have to chill :o/ I’ve been on both sides of this. At my last job, I was working twelve hour days and going to school. I was basically just sleeping at our apartment. And sometimes FI’s job is really crazy and he’s working late and doing work at home. Nobody chooses it and it does suck but you can’t keep nagging because there’s nothing you can do about it.
I’ve done the leaving work for an appointment thing and coming back to work until 9pm. I unpacked our entire first apartment by myself because FI had to work. And FI set up our entire second apartment because I had to work. Life sucks sometimes.
Post # 15
I work 70hrs/week on average and FI works 80 hours/week (and he is ALWAYS on call to answer emails and stuff). So we don’t get much time together. You just have to make the most of the time you have, and realize that at least you have each other and are living together, which is a lot more than other couples. Life is a trade-off between time and money. If he had all the time in the world to be with you, you couldn’t afford to do many of the fun things you’d like to do together anyway.
In the short term, can you get a friend or relative to help you with the moving and painting so that it’s not overwhelming? I know how hard it is not to b*tch about him working a lot – I used to do this all the time. But that ruins even the limited time you have together. So when he comes home, focus on the fact that he’s here now, not on how long you had to wait. And try to stay busy with your own interests and pursuits.
In the long term, if it looks like the job is not going to quiet down, think about other options together. Hopefully all the work he is putting in will make it possible for him to get a promotion to a job that’s not as intense or even start looking for a new job. I think it is important to be on the same page about how much you guys want to be working. We made the decision together to spend a few years doing these intense careers. Maybe you’d be ok with him taking a pay cut if it means he could be home more. So if the long hours continue, you can figure out alternatives that are acceptable to both of you.
Post # 16
True, but you shouldn’t have to stress yourself out about getting it done all on your own either. It should be fun, not torture.