- 6 years ago
- Wedding: January 2012
On Sunday, I’m going to the wedding of a very good friend of mine, and I’m so so so happy for her. I think her Fiance is great and that the two of them are perfect together, and I’m thrilled that she’s marrying the man of her dreams.
The problem is that one of the other wedding guests is my ex. My evil evil evil ex. I won’t go into what he did to me, but it was awful, and he never showed any remorse for it. I haven’t seen him in four years (not seeing him became really easy after I moved abroad, and then he moved across the country before I came back). I would be perfectly happy with never ever seeing him again for the rest of my life.
I’m terrified to see him on Sunday. I’ve been worrying about it for weeks now. Yesterday, I almost broke down sobbing just because I couldn’t find a necklace to wear to the wedding with my dress. I’m terrified that I’m going to look ugly and he’ll think it’s good he broke up with me so long ago because no one would ever want to be with a troll like me. I’m terrified that he’ll try and talk to me. I’m terrified that while I’m in the bathroom or something, my Darling Husband will casually strike up a conversation with a couple of friendly strangers, only to find out when I get back that it’s my ex and his wife. I’m just terrified that my ex is going to see me and think to himself that I deserved everything he did.
A few days ago, I spoke with Darling Husband about our plan for the wedding. I’ve promised my friend that whatever lies between me and the ex will NOT affect her wedding day because that would be stupid. The more worried I get, though, the more I realize that I might not be able to stay calm and collected. I am still determined, though, that my drama will NOT interfere with my friend’s day. Thus, I told Darling Husband, if I’m not able to keep my cool, we’ll just quickly congratulate my friend, tell her that we’re really sorry but that I’m not feeling well, and gracefully bow out early. Darling Husband said okay, but he seemed a bit moody afterward.
I finally asked him what was wrong, and he said that it bothers him a bit that I’m still able to get so upset over an ex. After all, we’re married now, and we’re blissfully happy. I felt bad then and stopped talking about it, and I haven’t brought it up since then. I feel like I need to be able to talk to someone about my fears, though, and I don’t know who to turn to. I’m dreading seeing him again.
My motto the past couple of days has been this: “I’m brave, I’m brilliant, I’m beautiful, and I can do this.” I’m just not sure I believe it.
Even worse is that there’s also a very good chance that I’ll see the ex tomorrow, too, while I’m performing. I’ll have to stay in character and perhaps even interact with him, depending on where and when I see him.
A small part of me just wants this weekend to be over already.
So… I am brave, and I am brilliant, and I am beautiful, and I can definitely do this…. right? Please help me believe myself.