I'm devastated!! :( (long)

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
716 posts
Busy bee

“Then after some discussion he gave me his time line. A YEAR AND A HALF!”

Ok.  Did you respond by giving him your timeline?  Your thoughts and opinions on a timeline matter too.

Post # 3
262 posts
Helper bee

Just remain focused on the fact that not being engaged or married doesn’t diminish his commitment to you. If you were honest with yourself (which it seemed like you were being towards the end) you may even admit that his plans actually are really quite sound and make sense. I understand you feel frustrated!! A year and a half will fly by, it really will. Stick a promise/right hand ring on and just let it remind you that you are half way up the hill 

Post # 4
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I think it’s good that you asked, as you definitely now know where he stands so you won’t continue to think it’s right around the corner. As sad and frustrated as you are now, not knowing was clearly not doing you any good.

As PP poster stated, your thoughts and opinions definitely matter here, too.

Did he give you specific reasons for wanting to wait that much longer?

Can you wait that long?

Post # 5
4965 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

BrynRyley:  I have a friend who’s been in a relationship for 7 years and she’s still waiting due to financial reasons as well. She has a hard time with it, but we are relatively young (28) and they don’t want to have kids. It took a while, but I think she’s come to terms with waiting until he’s better off. They already own a house together so there’s some level of committment there. 

Can I ask how old you are? If you’re still young, a year and a half really isn’t that long of a time. Personally, I’d rather have someone propose that wants to, not because I am pressuring them. 

Post # 6
2791 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

A year and a half will fly by if you don’t focus on it. Also make sure he knows how long wedding planning might take. It seems some guys have no idea that the wedding is usually a year+ after the proposal. My fiance wanted to get married in June 2015 and it wasn’t until the beginning of July 2014 that he realized that that meant he needed to propose like.. months ago. lol He proposed 3 weeks later and we managed to plan something for May 2015 but it was tough! 

I guess make sure he meant engaged in a year and a half and not married in a year and a half. I think sometimes they think Engagement = immediately married. lol 

Post # 7
1634 posts
Bumble bee

Oh, that’s hard, I’m really sorry! Did he say why he wants to wait another 1.5 years? Did you mention that you didnt expect to be waiting this long already, not to mention another 1.5 years? Are you willing to wait that much longer? I know lots of men think that the proposal should be a total surprise and it’s not a conversation they want to have because it will ruin their big surprise, but I totally disagree. Marriage is a huge decision and it’s one that should be made together. The proposal timing can be a surprise, but it shouldnt “come as a surprise”… there’s a huge difference. I think you need to talk to him and find out why you 2 were on totally different pages, and agree on a timeline that you’re both comfortable with. This is your life too, and you should absolutely get a say.

Post # 8
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Why is it just up to him? Did you make it clear that you felt it was too long? Did you provide him with a timeline that suited you, was a compromise reached?

Clearly you’re not on the same page at all about marriage. What made you think your proposal was a month away? Did he tell you that? There should be more focus on communication in your relationship. Surely you don’t want to resent him for this nor pressure him into doing something he doesn’t want to do.

Post # 10
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016


BrynRyley:  You’re not being a brat but you aren’t respecting yourself either. If you’re looking to move and start doing these things with your life then you need to speak up and be firm. Ask him specifically why he wants to wait and then tell him to listen to why you aren’t interested in waiting that long. Ask if there is a compromise or a goal he wants to attain before its on his radar and how you can get it there sooner.

Post # 12
552 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

BrynRyley:  I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and it’s only because I’ve been in the same place you are. I thought we’d get engaged after a year or year and a half. It didn’t happen until nearly 4.5 years, and there was a 3 month break up and a year of living apart in there. 

But, in hindsight, I’m glad we waited. I know what it’s like to want that commitment, but you have to trust him that if he says he will marry you, that he will. I pushed and pushed and pushed and it inevitably is what lead to our break up, or “break” if you ask him. My DH was also waiting until he was more secure financially. It might not make sense to you or I, but this is often a very important step in making a man feel ready for marriage. 

Also, one of the biggest challenges I still face in my marriage and the issue that made waiting so hard was that I like things to be done on my timeline. I didn’t want to hear that he needed more time. I get things in my head, set timelines in my mind of how everything is going to go, and when it doesn’t go according to plan, it devastates me. 

My only advice is to try to relax, enjoy your time together now, because you’ll never (hopefully 🙂 ) have another boyfriend, and trust that he has what’s in the best interest of your relationship at heart. 

Post # 13
6445 posts
Bee Keeper

My FI wanted to wait until he was financially stable before proposing (even though I told him a number of times that why should it matter). He understood my point of view on it, but it was very important to him that he had all his ducks in his row before popping the question. Some guys are just like that.

I waited 7+ years for him to ask me, but I would have waited longer. I don’t really believe in timelines — I believe in trusting your instincts about a relationship instead. You have to be vigilant in trying to feel out whether he’s stringing you along or not. I initially felt like my FI might be stringing me along when he first told me about wanting to wait, but I put my feelers out and determined that it really was just about him wanting other parts of his life to fall into place first — it wasn’t about him not wanting to marry me. All his actions showed me that. Had my feelers sounded the “he’s afraid of commitment — run!” bells, then I would not have waited for him.

So I guess my advice is, try to figure out what the real reason is for his delay and then determine whether you are ok with that. Trust your gut.

Also, is there some reason you thought it was December? Because if he’s hinted at that before, maybe he’s just trying to throw you off so it’s a surprise?

Post # 14
6445 posts
Bee Keeper

alove31:  You posted while I was typing my message, but I’m on the same page as you. Right on! 🙂

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