I'm engaged…and unsure…

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
11722 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You seem a little immature to be getting married.  All of your arguments stem from Facebook or texting.  Saying he should be happy and appreciate you turn down other men for him is not at all helpful.  I think you have some growing up to do before you are ready to commit to marriage.  Right now, it sounds like you’re unsure, and coupled with the other issues, I think that you should probably take a breather.

Post # 3
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Okay you are engaged to a guy who you don’t trust and who doesn’t trust you (jealousy will eat you up). You aren’t married, nothing is tying you to him and you are engaged to a guy nearly twice your age. This doesn’t sound like something you should go through with.

Once the new and shiny passion wears off, if you aren’t 100% sure of it, leave. Return the ring, apologize, and move out girl. Seriously.

Post # 4
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

I was also going to use the word maturity, but to point out that there is a maturity gap here which is understandable if you’re 19 and he’s 37.  That’s why the relationship feels like you do everything for him, he’s the leader because he has more life experience than you do.  The arguments over FB messages is because he doesn’t understand how 19 year olds behave and communicate with each other, because he’s 37.  Of course he thinks a guy messaging you is weird and innapropriate whereas you look at the guy as a recent school friend and nothing more.

Post # 5
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Don’t marry this guy. His actions, and saying that he was cheated on twice before makes me wonder what “cheating” is to him. Do you really want to be with a guy who goes through your phone all the time and then denies sex because you were talking to a friend? These are some screaming red flags of a controlling dude. It’s easy to find someone with common interests. Just because you love being with him does not mean he is the right person for you. You will find someone else to watch movies with, go fishing, and get a puppy. All that stuff is fluff. What really matters is how your treat each other. Withholding sex and making you feel inferior is not right. Give the ring back.

Post # 6
Member
1957 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

get out get out get out get out

Post # 7
Member
24 posts
Newbee

Hi Redsembers,

I am glad you posted because you were about to sign up for a living hell!

1) How did you meet through friends? There is such an age gap!  You are young and have PLENTY of time to find “The One.”

2) What do you know about his ex-wives?  I know I used to watch too much crime TV (IDHD) but when a man has that many exes he might have serious problems.. Anyways, the fact that he has several former wives is a major red flag.  Which leads me to ..

3) He obviously doesn’t have a problem with divorce.  So unless you want to have a divorce at some point in your life, he’s not good for you.  Run away.

4) It is clear that the trust has dwindled, but was it really “over time?”  You’ve only been together for a year or so!! In the grand scheme of things, that is a quick crash and burn.

5) I have a lot of friends who stay in those jealous/fighting kinds of relationships.  None of them are married or happy.  Jealousy is just the big, bad sign of a dysfunctional-not-good-for-you relationship.  Lying is a real close second.  Once a liar, always a liar.

Final thought: Tell him you are done.  Family will always understand.  Make sure you have a solid plan to stay somewhere else after you tell him.  Bring a friend with you when you move things out so that he can’t bother you or try to make you stay.  Good luck lady!  

Post # 8
Member
1905 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

So many red flags. He’s almost double your age and has been divorced 3x. He doesn’t trust you. He doesn’t do it for you. 

When you get engaged you should be at the point in your relationship where you are ready to marry him that very day, not try and figure it out along the way. 

It seems obvious you want out. Your friends and family will not blame you. In fact, I’m sure they’ll be relieved. 

Post # 9
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Redsembers:  if you are having doubts, then it’s not right. Those feelings happen for a reason. I was engaged previously, it didn’t feel right because it wasn’t. Called it off, moved on and it was the thing I’ve ever done.

Post # 10
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Please do not marry this guy. You do not sound like a good match, plus it’s only been a year and you are already having all these issues. Not to mention the fact that he’s been divorced three times by the age of 37…

Post # 11
Hostess
4941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

So, I could write a novel, but instead I’ll keep it short. You said you are “engaged” and having problems already. You are not legally tied to this guy. Save yourself the inevitable divorce (and tons of money on lawyers) and get out NOW!

Post # 12
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I have been with my FI for 4 years, i was 18 when we met and he was 27, that is enough of a gap for me. I would not have accepted his proposal at that age, i was a different person than I am now, I’ve grown and changed with my FI and found my career. It’s such a huge step, i know it may just seem like a little cold feet or something that’s niggling at you, but your so young and you still have your growing to do. You have the rest of your life to spend with this guy, you have to be 100% on him, it would also make me nervous about the failed marriages. I’d say have a very very long engagement if you want to stay. If not then break it off and don’t look back! Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee

Honey, this screams of red flags from the get go. Even just the fact that there is such a huge age gap. I know that gaps work out for some people but in this instance you are both at such very different positions in your lives. You are just reaching adulthood/the real world/whatever you want to call it. He has had 3 divorces. Not one, but THREE. You guys are clearly at hugely different times of your individual lives that I don’t see this relationship working purely based on that fact.

Add in all the arguments, the lack of trust and your uncertainty about your engagement and I think marrying this guy is a recipe for disaster. 

Sorry for being so blunt but I think you need to move on from this relationship now, before all the legalities of marriage get in the way. 

Post # 14
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

So he was 36, divorced, and went after an 18 year old? That’s enough of a red flag right there. 

Post # 15
Member
6497 posts
Bee Keeper

There’s nothing I have to say that hasn’t been aptly covered by PPs. Everything about this screams nopenopenope.

But I do have one question. Here and in your other thread (http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/im-engaged-but-i-dont-want-to-be/) you say that you felt pressured to say yes because your mom and whole family was there. Do they support this relationship? Because if my 19-year-old college daughter was thinking of getting engaged to a three-time 37-year-old divorcee after only a year together, I sure as hell would NOT be okay with it. Have you talked to your family at all about it?

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