I'm falling……so scared. Advice?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

a) You just got out of a long term relationship. You’re in an emotionally vunlerable place. Now is the time to be practicing self-care and working to stand on your own two feet, not falling in love with someone else who is also in an emotionally vulnerable place. You both want to jump in with both feet because you both want to reclaim love; the recipient is almost secondary. This has “disaster” written all over it. If you’re right for each other, you’ll be right for each other in 6 months or a year when you’ve had more time to heal.

b) As advice columnist Dan Savage always says, if the signals you’re getting are a mix of “yes” and “no”, the real answer is almost always “no.”

Maybe he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants, or maybe he really likes you, or maybe he thinks the Disneyland happily-ever-after talk is what it’s going to take to keep you around while he figures out his own stuff. Regardless, jumping in with both feet sounds like a really emotionally dangerous idea to me – for both of you. Take your time to heal first.

Post # 3
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My gut reaction to both your situations is REBOUND! Since you’re both getting out of long term relationships and you say you seem to have a really intense connection really fast, it sounds to me like a classic rebound situation. I would cool it and date other people (and eachother) casually for a while. Take time to be okay being alone. If you’re still interested in a few months then move forward with one another.

Post # 4
Member
2242 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Oooooof. All I can say is take it very, very, very slowly.

Getting over a divorce is no joke and it usually takes months, in some cases years, to get your head screwed back on again. I get that they didn’t have a sexual connection for a long time but you have to remember that relationships have about four intrinsic types of connections (in no specific order: emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual). This means that even when ONE type of connection is broken you still have the others to untangle yourself from. And that’s just the personal entanglements. If you take into account the legal and financial entanglements… Untangling yourself doesn’t happen in “a few months.”

The people that I’ve met going thru a similar situation (where the other person left them for someone of their same sex) usually go thru a phase of “reaffirming” their physical/sexual worth by trying to connect very quickly to a/several new person/s to put the world right side up again. An “it wasn’t my fault, it’s not me that can’t be in a marriage” type of deal. This by the way is mostly true, in my experience, for a lot of people that are just getting out of a marriage. My point is…you’re not with someone who already cried his heart out for his previous marriage and then worked thru his sadness, anger and disillusionment. So if you want to be with him be ready for him to yo-yo quite a bit between wanting to be reeeeally close and wanting to take it veeeeery slowly (exactly the mixed message that you said he’s giving you). This isn’t necessarily because he isn’t interested in you btw; he’s still, however, mourning his marriage and will thus behave erratically until he gets his head back on his shoulders (mental), his heart beating normally again (no tachycardia or speeding up relationships wo due cause, no arrhythmia or erratic emotional behavior -emotional-), his body -physical- wanting one person at a time without trying to prove anything to anyone (eg. irrational thoughts that he IS “enough” of a man to make a woman want him and not another woman), and his spiritual beliefs aligned with being divorced thru no fault of  his own. Again, this will take TIME.

You, OP, are going thru a similar situation. 3 months ago you came on here asking for advice about your live-in BF. You’ve been single for a month and a week! Obviously you’re still processing the breakup while getting involved with someone else. Which means that you too will be all over the place for a while (having desires to enjoy being single as well as the desire to grow closer to your new guy as well as the desire to…). 

So just take it very, very, very slowly and if he IS the guy for you then this feeling of being on a rollercoaster with him will eventually settle.

Post # 5
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

xpretyNpinkStarx:  I’m going to be honest here.  Had I made a post on the Bee when I first started talking to my now-FI, I would have been told I was absolutely rebounding and to stop talking to him at once, as I was “vulnerable.”  Well, look at where I am now (engaged to this man, and incredibly happy over a year of first talking to him).

I broke up with ex for basically the same reasons – he was a very different person than I was, and we weren’t close intimately anymore.  I believed I loved him, but upon a week or so of the break-up I realized how miserable I was, and how different we truly were – to the point it would NEVER work, and it was hurting BOTH of us.

A male friend of mine was also going through a break up – he has been seeing a girl for around 9mos and there was NO intimacy at all – barely even hand-holding.  Anyway, long story short… we really connected through our conversations about basically the same situation.  We started talking about two weeks after the breakup (for both of us).  I developed very deep feelings for him, and I was really kicking myself – I was so afraid of what other people would think about me and my feelings, that they would think I am “rebounding,” that I began feeling guilty for enjoying myself and talking to someone truly wonderful.

Yes, rebounds happen – but love happens too, and only you can decide how you feel.  Be upfront & be honest.  Sit down and talk to this guy, lay out a gameplan, and ask him how he truly feels.  Communication is the most important.

I ended up finding the love of my life during a time many would have told me to stop talking to him, that it wouldn’t end well, that I wasn’t emotionally ready, etc etc.  I knew me better.

Post # 6
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

I guess I also wouldn’t worry about the rebound thing.  Enjoy the emotional falling in love part.  I guess what I would say instead is as you go forward don’t forget to evaluate the relationship rationally.  Beyond do you like this person, is this a person that you’re long term compatible with.  This should help to avoid just falling into a relationship with anyone.  I’m sure you learned a lot from your past relationship, just don’t forget to apply those lessons to help you this time around.

Post # 7
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

xpretyNpinkStarx:  We are all going to say becareful, take it slow and be prepared for this to be a rebound relationship or even walk away. But in my experience rebound relationships FEEL so good (and temporarily numb the breakup pain), that most people barrel into them full force. The first 3-5 months are AWESOME with much future planning, then they begin to implode. 

So my advice is to not do anything that will leave permanent damage (use 2 forms of birth control, one of which is a condom; dont move in together; dont loan him money or make large payments for him; stay in touch with your friends). Then ride out this fun relationship and realize what it really is (not what he is trying to make it). When he talks about anything further than 2 weeks, shut it down. Not talk of the future. If you happily make it to one year, then you can talk about marriage and thing in the far future. 

Good Luck!

Post # 8
Member
3671 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

KoiKove:  +1 on this.

Sounds like a rebound, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it can’t last. Even if it doesn’t, I’m of the opinion that rebounds can actually be good for you in the long run to get you back on your feet and regain your confidence after a bad break up. Just don’t get too attached too soon to a rebound.

Post # 10
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

This sounds a lot like me. I ended a 9 year relationship that was going nowhere in the fall and two weeks later I kissed a man I had been having a mild flirtation with. He wasn’t just out of a relationship, but he understood the situation I was in. We wanted to see more of each other but I was not ready to put any kind of lable on it. We saw each other nearly every single day for about two months before I even told anyone about him. He actual hid from my Dad a few times (and I am a grown adult who does not live with her parents) so that I didn’t have to introduce them.

We are exclusive now and have met each others family’s, but we are still taking it slow. It has been 10 months now and we have said our I Love You’s. I would not call this a rebound relationship at this point. I think PP’s are right to warn you about going slow and not getting too caught up in all the excitement, but sometimes these relationships do work out and you might find that you have something really special here.

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