- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2014
My S/O is loving, attentive and consistently puts me first. I have no reason to doubt him.
We have been dating 18 months and we are in an international LDR. He visited me for almost three months and it was wonderful and made me realize that he is the person I want to share my life with. We decided that we would get married and start the immigration process after I got a job and was more stable (which is A LOT faster than I had originally planned).
Well, since he left, I have been really scared that he is going to dump me out of the blue. I don’t know where this is coming from and why it’s happening after our wonderful visit and even though we talk via skype at least once a day, except that maybe being so much more in love with him and him now being so integrated into my life (he met all my family and friends while he was here) raises the stakes and makes it more scary. This is by FAR the most serious relationship I’ve ever had and I’ve never been in a place where one person has the power to break my heart. I’m a very independent person so needing someone else so much is a huge departure from everything I’ve known.
An example of me worrying about something that isn’t an issue: when S/O doesn’t say “I love you” with enough enthusiam at the end of a conversation. I never talk to him about my insecurities because it’s my issue and not his and I don’t have a right to burden him with it.
I’ve also mentioned here ad naseum that I’ve been job-searching for a long time, with little luck and it’s really affecting my self-esteem. I feel worthless most of the time. And when I start obsessing on non-issues in my relationship, it affects my productivity and makes me feel even more worthless.
But while job-searching is the biggest thing that is affecting my self-esteem at the moment, there’s something else too. I’ve always kind of failed at social relationships with peers. I have a hard time making friends and most of the time my friends don’t put me in the same position of importance in their lives as I put them in mine (this has led to S/O becoming my best friend very quickly which is another reason it’s scary to think about losing him). I also didn’t have my first serious relationship until S/O, when I was 26. Part of it was my choice (see the part about independence above) but I never exactly had guys beating my door down wanting to date me. I guess I find it surprising that, given my general social awkwardness, that I had landed someone who really loves me.
I also wonder if maybe my hormones are a bit out of whack because I haven’t been real consistent about taking my birth control pills since S/O left (lacking in motivation to remember since I don’t need them I guess).
I know I should get counseling and I’m putting it off until my new health insurance comes through (it’ll still be mighty expensive but at least I’ll get a discount) but also because I feel so overwhelmed by everything that a new project to tackle seems insurmountable (but I would be less overwhelmed if I got counseling. So I should really just do it.)
Any thoughts, commiseration, advice, etc? I’m having a tough morning today.