I'm feeling sad about my wedding because of my sister/MOH

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I was on your side until the whole deleting her from facebook thing and what you said thereafter. She is being petty and immature, so you retaliated with your own petty immatureness.  I’m not sure what the age difference between you two is, but I think a heart-to-heart is called for. You need to talk to her yourself and try to mend the relationship because now not only does she owe you an apology, but you owe her one, too.  By being “the bigger person” as your mom suggests, you will also be the mature person. Listen to your mother.

Post # 5
Member
2642 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Agreed with PP.  I was with you until the Facebook thing.  It sounds like you are both handeling this situation terribly.  If this is new behavior for your sister, I would venture to guess that something is going on with her.  Maybe she’s stressed about the school year?  Maybe she’s having a difficult time with a boyfriend?  Maybe all everyone ever talks about is the wedding and she’s feeling over shadowed?  I think you should reach out and talk to your sister.  Explain that you’re hurt she doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you.  Ask her if something is wrong, if there is something going on in her life, or if you’ve done something to upset her.  Hopefully you can talk it out and repair the relationship.  You definitely need to be the “bigger person” and initiate the conversation – it’s the burden of being older.

Remember, she is still young and immature and figuring things out.  Many, many teenagers go through a phase where all they want to do is hang out with their friends and boyfriend/girlfriend and couldn’t care less about spending time with their “uncool” family.  It definitely sucks but you have to be patient.  Remember back to when you were 18/19 – were you the most mature and caring and family-oriented person?  Or would you have rather spent time with your friends?

Post # 6
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

MadamePants:  OMG. I feel like we have the sanr sister only mine is 22 (we are 4 years apart) and she has a son (2 years old) the child’s sperm donor has beat/choked her, and done a ton of mean things to her and she still talks to him let’s her son see him. How often I dont know. she constantly lies about any and everything so it’s hard to even believe anything she says. She screamed at me in our daycare parking lot a couple weeks ago, blocked and deleted me from Facebook and then texted me the same week on a Friday to watch her son. I’m SO worried about how she will act for the wedding and my parents have made it clear she HAS to be the maid of honor (they’re the checkbook) I just wish I had a better relationship with her and I really do try. She just wants things her way and she’s an entitled little brat. My parents have blinders on. I could go on for days about how retched my sister has become. 

Post # 7
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

MadamePants:  “I don’t know why she’s acting this way, and I don’t know whether it’s really about me or not, but it feels that way. I am so hurt…not even about the wedding, just because it feels like my sister wants nothing to do with me. “<br /><br />

^^That right there is the whole reason I say you need a genuine, heart-to-heart with her – nothing that attacks her or lays all the blame on her. Just tell her how you feel and how you’ve been hurt by her. Find out what’s going on. Tell her that you understand she’s grown up into an adult, and so have you, which changes the type of a relationship sisters have, but that you want to be part of her life and want her to part of yours, too.

 

“The trip home was in June, and it’s still eating at me.”

^^Never let a wound fester. Handle issues as they arise. Talk to her, and if later she acts poorly again then approach her right away to solve the issue.  

 

“I don’t want to apologize to her, because I feel like her behavior has started the whole mess…”<br /><br />She may have started it, but you are still responsbile for your own actions.  If my sister unfriended me on facebook to spite me, man, I would be hurt. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Post # 8
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My brother and I are five years apart.  There was a period of about 8-9 years (including age 19) where he wanted absolutly nothing to do with me.  He is coming out of that phase at 21/22 slowly.   It really hurts, but really, as the older sibbling, you have to constantly be the bigger person, constantly.   Looking at DH and his sister who have a similar age difference and went through a similar phase of their relationship, I can say it pays off.  They now have a really good relationship. 

Post # 10
Member
1179 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah, you’re handling it badly but, i would be upset too. She sounds jealous and probaby doesn’t lke the attention you’re getting.

I’m sure she’ll be there for your wedding (who doesnt take a free trip?) Just don’t expect her behavior yo change.

I was going to say that she’s young but, it’s really no excuse.

Op i think you should try talking to your sister one more time.

Post # 13
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you’re handling this badly, unlike the other commenters. I think you were pushed to your limit after trying to be accommodating. Unfriending her was a quick reaction. Was it the best thing to do? Maybe not, but it’s really not that big of a deal. 

When it comes to people, you can only work with how the person is, not what you want them to be. Your sister simply isn’t up to the task of being a bridesmaid or a sister you can share moments like these with.

This is your wedding, your important life event, so your sister and her behavior shouldn’t be the focus. I suggest dropping her as the bridesmaid, because that’s what’s best for you and your wedding. I also suggest putting your relationship with your sister in the back burner. By that I mean that she’s not capable of relating to you right now; she’s a little self absorbed. You’ll wear yourself out trying to work with her.

Again, I don’t think you’re handling this badly. You’ve tried hard to work with her. You’ve done all you can. Give yourself a break and focus on yourself, your husband, and your wedding.  

If your family gets upset about this, even after all you’ve done to be accommodating, that’s a problem they need to work on. That’s not your problem. Don’t have her in the wedding or tolerate her awful behavior to make other people happy. Nobody should be a door mat, not even for family. 

Post # 14
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

I meant “…on the back burner” and “future husband”. 

Post # 15
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

MadamePants:  sometimes you def need to vent about it. I get so envious of girls that have good relationships with their sisters.

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