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Her time off was revoked? What does that mean?
I don't know...I mean some people would get really antsy just sitting around and coffee dates don't really take that much time...she'd probably be back before you even started on your makeup. Plus, while it was very nice of you to allow her to bring Coffee Date to the wedding, she probably really won't get a chance to see the friend much as she will be busy being in your wedding and sitting at the head table or organizing the dollar dance or whatever it is during the reception that the wedding party traditionally does. Sounds to me like she is just trying to fill in as much stuff as possible on a 24 hour visit, and sitting in a salon watching you get your hair done isn't one of the things she'd like to be doing. Can you ask her to go ahead and get coffee and be back by 11 or so? If she wants to run out for 20 min for coffee I don't think it's the end of the world.
My bridesmaids did this and I was kind of upset about it. As a result I was by myself most of the morning. They went to go 'get breakfast' even though I ordered a spread to the bridal suite and left for hours. I was all alone when the photographer showed up. If I could go back, I would definitely have asked them ahead of time to spend the morning with me and if there was anything they needed to arrange for someone else to go get it.
I might get called a Bridezilla, but I would be super mad about this as well. Especially if she's bringing this person to the wedding and will be able to hang out with them then. Can't you just tell her that it would really mean a lot to you to have all your girls with you for support and that it wouldn't be the same without her there? And what abou pictures, are you having pictures done during the time when she wants to go get coffee?
We have all the same friends, so they will be at the wedding...and she is staying the night at her coffee date's house, not ours. So I don't know why she has to leave.
Yes. Our Photographer will be there to take pictures of the hair appointment...and the make up appointment too. So she would be missing in some. the hair and make up appointments are at 2 diffrent locations.
In regards to having her time off revoked: She was supposed to get here today at the start of hr vacation...BUT someone who had been at her work longer requested the same time off after hers was approved. So they took away her vacation to give it to the other girl (who wanted to stay at home gardening for a week). So she always has weekends off. Thus why she's now here 24 hours, and not a week.
I have told her how I feel and she got mad, so I don't know what else to say. But I don't want to be feeling this sad when she comes in to the hair appt. My FI is getting her from the airport so that will be the first time I'll have seen her since March.
Also, the BM's aren't required to do anything for the reception, so she'll have plenty of time to see our/her friends and talk to them. Again, she will be staying that night with the person she wants to "coffee date with".
I'm sorry, I just thought it was bad form. Especially since FSIL will be there just to be there and I haven't known her that long. I have known BM A since I was 3.
If the photographer is going to be there, then she has to be there. I mean, I would be so pissed if one of my girls missed photos because they want to go get coffee. Would she respond well to guilt, lol? Like if you said, "That makes me really sad...I was so looking forward to hanging out with you and chatting with you while we get our hair done. I haven't seen you in so long, and it would really mean so much to me if you could be there for the whole day."
Perhaps approaching her with a good "I-statement" would help?
"I feel sad that you'd be leaving for coffee because your presence on that day will mean so much to me!"
It might help her see that you cherish her support and will help her feel important, even if all she's doing is watching you get your hair done. Conversely, have you asked her why this coffee is so important? There may be some reason beyond that why she needs the time, but doesn't want to tell you.
I'd be pretty irritated; I thought it was standard that the BMs and the bride hang out the morning of while everyone's getting ready - I'm looking forward to that part more than the having them "stand up" with me because that's valuable time spent with my favorite girls on a very important day of my life.
I'd be hurt, but more about the status of the friendship, not because she's violating any bridesmaid "duties." But I get it and yeah, it's understandble to be hurt. Tt the risk of sounding a little harsh though (I'm not trying to be, really), for your own sake, you might try putting this in a different perspective:
You will be busy getting dolled up and your attention will probably be on your fiance and getting married! Honestly, it probably will not make a difference to you in that moment whether she's there or not. And unless you only have one, I'm assuming that you'll have a lot of other bridesmaids there to help you out. Besides, you can make someone do something, but you can't dictate their attitude about doing it--what's better? Her not being there or her being there and being a pill about being there? I doubt you'll want an unhappy presence when you're prepping anyway. So if it were me, I'd sigh, tell her she can get her coffee and just let go. There's too many other fish to fry than one rogue BM.
I am going to be a bridesmaid pretty soon and I would never do that! not cool at all. Seriously can't she give you one day?
I would be sad too, if that happened to me. I don't think some people realize how important the wedding day is to the bride and groom.
I had a best friend who would do something exactly like this. She was always double-booking herself, feeling that she was being very time-conscious by doing so but always ended up screwing everyone else in the process by being late for EVERYTHING.
The day of the wedding is not the time to try to squeeze in unrelated errands. It's a time crunch anyway. And since she's staying with this friend and seeing her at the reception, then it really doesn't make sense beyond it's just something she wants to do.
I agree with hilsy85: make her feel guilty :)
I had a friend like this too. She would always make double plans. It's annoying-and yes my feelings would be hurt. I don't think you can tell another grown woman not to meet a friend for coffee though...I mean that's my opinion. She is going to be so busy that morning she isn't going to have time for coffee so I would just let it go.
I would be upset with her. Is your FSIL near the same size, dress her up instead and tell your friend you wanted her to have all the time she needs with her other friend...I'm mostly kidding about that but think it's very rude of your friend!
I agree with @flamingred, she will be so busy she won't have time for a coffee date. The only reason my BM's were able to sneak away is because I had them get their hair done so early and mine took SOO long that they just took off. There was only 1 hairstylist. And I never specifically asked them to stay in the room with me. Still makes me mad though because I would NEVER do that as a BM, it's just understood that your job is to stay with the bride that day. And I was so nice and respectful of their time, too. I think I was too nice!
I'd be sad, not because she's missing out on activities, but because I hadn't seen her in a long time and wanted to time to catch up with her on what's going on in her life that I won't have time to do when the wedding chaos starts.
Maybe if you phrase it in a way that it's not about the wedding, but about the two of you getting some time together, she'd be less apt to go on the coffee date.
I can see both sides. It sounds like she's from Spokane but doesn't live there anymore, so I could see that she would want to spend time with lots of people, especially since she's only there for 24 hours. But I can also see you wanting to spend time with her on your wedding day since you rarely see her otherwise.
So I'm with Goldilocks and think you should phrase it like, I miss you and I want to spend time with you because you're such a good friend. I think if I were a BM and felt like the bride was issuing a command that I be there all day, just sitting around, I'd be sort of annoyed. But if it were phrased in more of a, I want to spend time with you, I'd be happy to do that. Just my thoughts.
FSIL is a bridesmaid. lol. And I have tried pleading with her both ways...nice and I miss her, and I have also told her I wanted to spend the morning chatting with my fave ladies. either way she's so mad (or was) that she is using FI as a mediator. = ( She said she's not going to the coffee date any more, but now I am not sure if she actually even wants to be there. I hope she does!
And since I'm not going to see FI until the ceremony, I am confused as to how I would be focused on him while I am with my girls getting ready?
She said she's not going to the coffee date any more, but now I am not sure if she actually even wants to be there. I hope she does!
Well, since she called off the coffee date, I guess you got your wish. To answer your question, no, probably not, she'd most likely prefer to be having coffee with her friend than sitting in the salon watching you get your hair done, or she wouldn't have wanted to have the coffee date in the first place. That being said, she apparently would prefer to skip her date than upset you, so make sure to be extra nice to her at the salon.
Personally, I still don't see what the big deal was if she wanted to run out and get coffee. She would have been there part of the morning getting her own hair done and could have gotten pictures taken then. If for a 30 min window she wasn't in pictures at the salon I doubt it would have been the end of the world. But, she's giving in to make you happy, so I guess everything's good.
I am so glad she decided to stick with you and join you. I would NEVER as a BM, ask to leave the morning of a friends wedding for coffee. Absolutely not ok... you were right. She knew about the commitment when she accepted to be in your BP. I would be baffled if a BM did that to me. Clearly any bride that thinks its OK for a BM to leave for coffee, shows they do not really want their BM's with them. So why would you even have any?! lol...
Good luck and Best Wishes darling! :)
@Tatum: I think you are missing something. You don't know how long her hair is going to take. And if she were to go get coffee you have to think...we are her ride. We are already ast risk for being late to the ceremony, then we have to wait because she is at coffee?! Plus, the general public seems to think it is bad BM ettiqutte.
And Thank you, @msrdsx82...you hit the nail on the head for how I was feeling!
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With only a few more days left to go, I turn to my dearest hive for a little advice.
The other day BM A texted me to ask how long my hair was going to take on Saturday. I replied, "Give or take 2 hours? I am not totally sure."
Long story short, she decides on a really easy style and tells me, "Cool. My hair shouldn't take that long so when it's done I want to go get coffee with a friend..."
SAY WHAT?! Okay. First off, she won't even be at the rehearsal dinner. Her time off was revoked and she now won't be flying into town until an HOUR before our 9 am hair appt. So she would come, get her gift, have her hair curled, and LEAVE?!
She says she'd be with us all day, but since she is leaving Sunday she wanted to see other people. Um...hello. You are staying with that Person on the wedding night. I am so HURT! She did make a time commitment to FI and I when she said she would do this.
Am I missing something? Is that anywhere in a bridesmaid ettiquite hand book? Am I crazy? Most Bridesmaids stay with you all day, right? I mean, FSIL M who is not having anything professionally done is still coming with us...just to hang out.
My Make up appt is at 11...the ceremony is at 1. We will still have to head out of town. I am already cutting it close and just having to worry about her makes me worry about time even more....
What should I do here? She is mad because I told her I'd like her there all day because she wants to see this person (who I told her could come to the wedding and she is staying the night with). But I don't want to be mad....I am just hurt and want it resolved before Saturday.
Help?