Post # 1
Hello! First time posting. Where to begin?
My bf and I have been together 1.5 years. We moved in after six months. I am 29, he is 35. We both have good jobs.
Our apartment’s lease is up. He wants to buy a home. I refuse to go in on a home without being married. A lease is one thing; a mortgage is another. I feel if you’re ready to own a home with someone, you should probably be ready to share your last name with them. So for now, we’ve agreed to rent for another year.
Here’s the thing: I can’t stop wondering why he isn’t just ready to put a ring on it. He tells me he wants it get married. He said he wants to be married in a year and a half. Why?
He knows buying a home makes the most sense. But obviously something in him isn’t ready to make it legit. Now I’m just resentful. I feel dumb for moving in with him in the first place. I feel dumb for having these cliche feelings. I feel silly for wanting to be engaged so badly. I’m goinG crazy. I’m picking fights. Mostly because i don’t have the nerve to ask him the only question left to ask: why do you need more time???
Post # 3
@Vivalarevolucion: Not a fun situation to be in.
Really though, you need to talk to him. Resentment building is no good!
At least he’s given you a timeframe. If you’re willing to stick around until then, you can then issue an ultimatum or leave.
I wouldn’t force the issue, but I think you have a right to know.
Post # 4
@canarydiamond: Thanks for that. Ultimatums are not my style. Would hate for someone to marry me bc they felt they had to.
Post # 5
@canarydiamond: I guess one thing that bugs me is, I’ve always been very progressive. But now I’m starting to think there’s a reason couples shouldn’t live together before marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I know it works for some! But I feel like a wife in everything but title.
Post # 6
My FI and I bought a house first…we chose to spend money taht we saved together as a down payment instead of on a wedding….it was a good idea financially…and we’re very glad we did it because with the rising cost of housing and the changes in laws about mortgages we would never get one now…
NOW, we can afford a wedding….and we have a house….my FI is 37 and I am 32….
I really understand where your SO is coming from….I think he’s thinking in a very good financial sense sort of way….
Why DON’T you want to buy a house first? I personally think it’s a good idea (but then I’m biased 😉 )
Post # 7
This is someone you want to marry but you can’t ask him this very important question?
The alternative is growing resentment, longer waiting time or leaving the relationship.
It can be frustrating, but you have to bite this bullet.
Post # 8
@axeyourmakeupkit: I want him to reach this conclusion on his own. I don’t want to interfere with the decision. I know it’s crazy. But he knows where I stand. He know I want to be married and start a family. He says he does toolike don’t want to be pushy.
Post # 9
@smcs28: I guess I’m more old-fashioned than I thought!
My best friend bought a home with her BF, with good intentions. The broke up and it was a mess.
Also, my mom says not to… And moms are always right, right? 🙂
Post # 10
@Vivalarevolucion: ha ha…my mom is not always right….LOL
So what’s the plan? Not move with him when he buys a house? Make him not buy a house and keep living in a leased apartment WITH him (sinking money into a lease instead of having it go into an investment like a house)? Tell him you want to be married before you buy a house?
I just don’t understand how owning a house together is taboo and leasing an apartment together is not….
ETA: I knew a couple who lived together for awhile, then moved apart and kept “dating”…it did not last
Post # 11
@Vivalarevolucion: Well, I get that. But you’re the one that’s unhappy. So you’re not giving yourself a fighting chance at happiness going on the route you’re on.
So maybe we need to know the acceptable options and hash it out from there.
Post # 12
Buying a house is better than leasing an apartment if you’re committed to each other and planning to stay together. You are not committed and not planning to stay together, so buying a house would be an incredibly bad idea.
I don’t think you should buy a house with him unless you’re engaged. While you’re leasing an apartment you can still walk away at any time. If you buy a house together you can’t walk away, even if he never proposes. You need to retain the option to leave the relationship and find someone else if he chooses not to marry you, so you need to continue leasing an apartment until he proposes.
Whatever he says about wanting to be married in a year and a half – until there’s a ring on your finger it’s all just talk. If he wants you to commit to buying a house with him, then he needs to commit to marrying you. Tell him you’re not willing to buy a house with him unless you’re engaged and have set a date for marriage. I’d also be inclined to tell him how long you’re willing to wait for him to commit before you walk away and start looking for a better marriage prospect – until your next lease expires?
Post # 13
I agree don’t buy a house together unless you are engaged and wedding date set. I am in the same situation with my BF so I understand where you are coming from. If things don’t work out will be a big mess to sort out after. I say stick with the lease for now.
Post # 14
I think you’re right to not jump into buying a house without an engagement and promise for a future together.
My suggestion is like the others – talk to him. Find out if he sees marriage in his future. Find out if he see marriage to YOU in his future. After you ask him these questions – LISTEN to his answers. Be understanding and respectful of his reasons. Tell him you understand but also that you refuse to be strung along for too long. You deserve concrete, logical answers from him.
If you’re understanding of his reasons for waiting to propose (maybe he needs to save up for an e-ring) then he will be much more inclined to be understanding of your reasons for wanting to get engaged and married, as well.
Approach this decision as teamwork, not as a battle or an obligation on his part. This is a subtle, but very important, difference in your attitude. You are not trying to “convince” him to do something. (That will never work). What you’re trying to do is build a partnership (i.e., marriage) together. Approach this as something you both want to accomplish together. The house can come after that, if he agrees with your plan.
I wish you all the best!
Post # 15
What do we think of the idea of him buying a smaller property on his own and asking her to move in with him?
My SO also wanted to buy a house together, and I gave him the spiel about not wanting to commit to a house until we’re committed to each other. Currently we’re renting, but he’s suggested buying a small apartment on his own, and I could live there with him and pay rent which would go towards his mortgage. This seems like a pretty bad idea to me, because I think he should wait until he’s ready to commit and then buy a house together. Buying your first property is a life goal which I’d like us to share, and I’d like to be involved in choosing our home and furnishing it etc – it seems unfair of him to want to achieve such a big life goal without my involvement.
Anyway, if the OP’s partner wants to buy a property, maybe buying his own place and letting her live there could be a solution? Or is it a really bad idea?
Post # 16
@Vivalarevolucion: I’m at the 3 year mark (‘m 29, and he’s 31) and we’ve been living together since about 1.5 yrs, but otherwise I’m in a pretty similar position as you. He wants us to buy a house, with help from his mother, and we’ve gone as far as looked at a house for sale and thought about putting an offer on it. There’s a few options… stay renting until you get engaged, buy a house together without getting engaged – and do a bit of legal paperwork to make sure if you split up the equity can be divided, since there is no divorce to help you out, or have HIM buy the house, in his name, and maybe pay him ‘rent’ towards the mortgage, etc. until you get married, at which point you can add your name to the deed. If you break up, you move out, you never paid towards the downpayment and you have no legal obligation, and he’s the one with the house since he bought it.
However, that being all said, it’s not that simple emotionally. I’m going through the same thing — you know you want to have your life with me, and buy a house, (a house big enough for kids mind you) and you say you want to marry me, so what’s the big deal about actually proposing and making that public promise??? You are willing to go into hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt with me, but not buy a $1,500 ring yet? 40 years of mortgage seems just as scary as a committment to marry someone. It’s frustrating and hard, but exciting too that he wants us to buy a house! It’s a pretty big deal for a couple. I live in the Bay Area, and I know a lot of people who do that – buy a house, and within the year get engaged, so it’s definitely an option if you feel ok with it. For us at least, I came to the decision after looking at the house that I really am not sure I can do this until I’m engaged. I told him he can put the house all in his name, but I said that knowing that he can’t, cuz I’m the one in the relationship that makes enough money that the banks would approve our mortgage. Now it’s kind of a ‘wait and see’ stand off for how long till he proposes and then we’ll keep looking.
So, I guess no concrete advice, but just wanted to kind of cover your optiions for you, since I’ve thought long and hard about this myself! Good luck with the decisions, and remember, no matter what it’s exciting that the two of you are starting to plan and talk about a long-term future like that together. 🙂