I'm having a hard time even thinking bout the wedding #weddingdisaster

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You are not bring selfish. I’m sorry for all you’ve gone through but you need to distance yourself ftom your mother, especially if she is being physically and verbally abusive. 

Post # 3
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Bee, I know your wedding was important to you, but I think your physical and emotional safety should rank higher to you. Please distance yourself from your mother if she continues to abuse you! That is so much more important! Hugs~

Post # 4
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

sweetangelbaby123:  

Girl. 

Let me just say…WOW. WOOOOW.  You have been through the ringer. That was difficult for me to even READ I don’t know how you lived it and are here to tell the tale (and are ABLE to tell the tale)! You are STRONG.  

Growing up in a similar situation/family, I feel like I can relate. And let me just remind you, YOU ARE WORTH LOVE AND RESPECT AND CONSIDERATION AND DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE. 

The thing about family is that you don’t get to choose. And some people have this crazy idea in their mind that just because people are family, that you don’t have a right to write them off. Well that is false. No one deserves abuse. No one deserves to be trapped in a nasty, toxic relationship.

Although your wedding day may not be picturesque when you look back on the day, what matters is that you have a chance to break the cycle of abuse and truly be happy. You get to start a beautiful life with the love of your life who knows that you are worthy of love and kindness and adoration and RESPECT! And if/when you choose to have children, you get to show them all that your childhood lacked. Your mother doesn’t deserve to be a part of your life if all she aims to do is poison it. Same goes for your father.  

That being said, sounds like your mom could use some help. Maybe one day she will get sober and will apologize for being so nasty. In the mean time, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. BE SELFISH and don’t even care. You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. 

Qualifications to speak on this issue: My mom is psycho, my dad died of alcoholism related cancer, and my mom’s goal in life is to ruin every happy moment I ever experience. I am 2 months into therapy and medication lol.  

P.S. HUG HUG HUG HUG

P.P.S.  CONGRATULATIONS!

Post # 8
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

sweetangelbaby123:  That is so good to hear, I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself too. I’m sorry your day wasn’t picture perfect, but I hope married life has been better to you.

Post # 9
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

For some reason with relatives we feel compelled to keep trying. Life got easier for me when I decided to write one off (not my mother). Stop expecting her to change and instead change your own behavior.limit or end contact with her.

Post # 10
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

sweetangelbaby123:  For the love of god please make sure that you cut this revolting woman out of your life permanently! 🙁 I am so so sorry, no one deserves to have their own mother treat them like this, she is not worthy of being in any part of your life and you are far better off without her! I wish you much love and happiness with your husband, he is your true family more than that woman will ever be 🙂

Post # 11
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Do you have a right to be mad at your mother? Holy shit. Yes. But also, I see that this was allowed to build and build till the wedding night which is bound to be problematic. Your mother is abusive and maybe dealing with a cocktail of substance/personality disorders/mental health issues..? 

 And between the abuse current and past, and the balcony incident I think you need to tell all this to a therapist who can help you unpack it and let you see things objectively and help you create distance. You are worthy of everything! But unfortunately just because shes your mom doesn’t mean she’s a good or healthy person.

she seems to still have a lot of power and authority- which is only possible if you give her it. I have so much sympathy because of course you just want your mom to be there for the wedding process and to do all the meaningful mom support things- thats all part of the wedding dream. Your mom wasn’t in a place to overcome herself to be there for you- yourself your worthiness has zero to do with it. Please take care of yourself! 

And please get away and stay away from your mother- don’t worry about rebuilding with her until you’ve rebuilt yourself. None of what happened- the abuse, injury, your wedding is your fault. They were the actions of fcked up people, or in the case or your accident- just that, an accident. Sorry bee ::hugs::

Post # 12
Member
6751 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Your life would be better off without that beast who is supposedly your “mother”.

Post # 13
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

You’ve had a difficult time, and it’s OK to grieve the loss of the wedding of which you dreamed. Your mother seems to bring difficulty to not just your relationship, but others around her.  Several of your issues above mentioned your mother was drunk.  She needs to address this issue.  You can’t do it for her, but if she can deal with that problem it may make a redefined relationship with you easier.  For now I think space away from your mother is a great idea, but I hope with time you can find boundaries that can make a relationship with her work for you. 

Also, I would say that as a guest at an event, it’s difficult to know what to do in a socially awkward situation.  You don’t feel like it’s your place to intervine (except maybe as you relate your brothers and sisters), you mostly just want to slide under your chair because it’s uncomfortable to watch and you don’t know what to do.  

I hope that you can focus less on the distressing and abusive parts of your engagement/wedding and maybe redirect it a bit to focus on the wedding as being a new start to a life where that kind of abuse no longer exists for you.  

Post # 14
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

How horrible! I’m glad you’re stepping back. Please know that, unless she actually commits to getting sober (not just not drinking), she not going to get better and probably will get worse. You might want to check out Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) meetings (or at least the online resources) to help you work through how to deal with her and get your self-worth and power back. I find that nothing helps like talking to people who have been through the same things and understand how things can make sense to us (e.g., why she was so involved in your wedding) when outsiders look at us like we have three heads.

Post # 15
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

Unfortunatly you can chose your family. It seems you’ve chosen a great husband. Its natural to want that bond with your mom, but sometimes it’s just not going to happen. At least not now. I actually had to go to therapy to come to the conclusion that I can’t change how certain family members act, but I can l control how I let them treat me. You’re away from your mom. If you have to see her at famly functions act polite and if she starts drinking, cursing, abusive you need to leave. It’s not your responsibility to change her. Until she decided to do so I’d recommed you stay away. I wish you a life time of happiness with your husband.

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