I'm having a wedding (for my family) and I'm miserable

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
8388 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Well it seems like you’re in pretty deep at this point.  I would normally recommend that you not take any money from your parents and pay for what you want yourselves, but it seems like that isn’t an option for you anymore (you pay for your wedding with your money or your sanity, pick one lol).  Fortunately, you only have 2 more months to endure and it will be over.  It sounds like your parents want the wedding a certain way, so why not just sit back and let them pick everything?  Then all you have to do is show up and eat the food.

Post # 4
42117 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

megaswell:  As the pp has stated, it’s a bit late for any of us to advise you to take charge of your own wedding.  When you accept money,you often give away power over decision making. There aren’t many parents who give that size of financial oift with no strings attached.

If you really don’t care about a big wedding,stop caring about the details. Let your parents make the decisions and let the rest of it just fly right over your head. You will be married to the love of our life,and that’s all that really matters.

Make a conscious decision that you are going to stop letting them push your buttons. Picture yourself with a veil covering you from head to toe. Nothing can penetrate the veil.

Post # 5
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate


megaswell:  aw im sorry your stressed. Im 3 months away from my wedding and the whole process has been stress..especially with my mom who is a pain in the ass lol. But its almost over and I can enjoy the day Ive worked so hard for..and soon you will be able to as well.

Your almost done..look at it like that. 2 months is nothing and it will fly by. And I bet you will have a blast at your wedding..even if its not what you envisoned initially. Good luck!

Post # 6
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

To be completly honest if I were in your suituation I would cancel the ceromony and elope. Still have the reception though as everything is paid for. It might be bad advice but personally if I don’t enjoy planning something I don’t enjoy doing the thing I’ve planned.

Post # 7
284 posts
Helper bee

I’m right there with you, I feel the exact same way, and my wedding is June 22nd so I’m pretty close to it. I basically told my parents straight up that the best day of my life will be June 23rd, when it’s all over. :\

Post # 8
22 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014

I am in youe exact same situation except for it is with the in-laws and we tried very hard not to take their money but that just lead to fight after fight until we just said fine. Not to mention all of the fights throughout the planning process. We are 3 weeks away and all I can think of is how I hope I can make myself excited for my wedding day and I not look miserable the entire day.  I figure once I see everyone I love there and we get the party going I will be fine. But it has really been tough to do this wedding that I don’t even want. I gave up caring about anything a long time ago once I realized that I would never win and what I wanted didn’t matter. But on a plus I haven’t don’e any hard decision making for months now.  I hope once you see everyone you love there you will be happy to just have a great time with them and it will all be worth it 🙂

Post # 9
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

How could you be having fun? The fun part of wedding planning is making decisions, which you aren’t allowed to do. The horrible part is dealing with logistics, which is what you are still required to do. So you have effectively become your parents’ wedding planner (unpaid), but will be the bride. Since you don’t get to do the fun part, I suggest you start dumping the not-fun part on the people who are making the demands. Make a list of tasks you are dreading, and delegate them. If no one wants the task, guess what? The task just doesn’t get done. As long as that task is not “marriage license” or “make sure the guests have food,” then it doesn’t matter anyway. To avoid sounding like a petulant child who is taking her ball and going home, use the happy phrase “Surprise me!”

Mom: “You must have chicken or people [that you didn’t want to invite in the first place] won’t come. Now pick out a chicken dish to serve your guests [even though you do not want to taste or smell dead birds].”

You [not caring about chicken]: “Surprise me! I’m sure whatever you pick will be great.”

Mom: “You must have fresh flowers or people  [that you didn’t want to invite in the first place] will be offended. Which of these 200 flowers and 20 vase arrangements do you want?”

You [not caring about flowers]: “Surprise me! You have such excellent taste in flowers. You are now officially in charge of flowers.” Now Mom gets to call the florist and meet with her and figure out how to get the flowers to the venue and whether or not the guests can take the vases home with them.


You can use the surprise element on your side as well. You say you are sick of the pressure and just don’t care anymore about picking out a pretty dress. That is okay; since each of your prior decisions was criticized, I am not surprised you are tired of dealing with all this. If you couldn’t get married how you wanted or serve what you wanted, of course you assume you will not get to do your hair how you want or wear the dress you want, so what is the point, right? Figure out what you would like to do, and use say, “It’s a surprise,” to anyone who asks. If you really don’t care about the dress, you can either go with your dictator friends and family and try on hot, itchy dresses while they make annoying comments and end up wearing the dress they tell you to wear. Alternatively, you can go dress/veil shopping in secret by yourself and pick out something you like, and tell everyone who asks, “It’s a surprise.” You may want to pay for the dress yourself so that the price remains a secret as well. 

Post # 10
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Now take 10 deeeep breaths!! Ahhhhhh. 

Ok, so I have to agree at only 2 months left and all the money spent, you can’t do much at this point. 

I highly suggest that you find something to help you destress every day. Whether it is going for a long walk, meditating, long hot bubble bath, etc. This clearly is not your thing and you have to focus on YOU all while muddling your way though this. 

Next, make a list of the things you said that only YOU can do that has to be done. If you can delegate to someone else…DO IT. Prioritize it all by needs and wants. If it’s important to your parents, tell them to just do it and you dont’ care what they decide on. Can you give some to your bridesmaids or MOH to handle. Do not just assume that no one wants to help you. You pick what you actually want to handle. 

I know you dont’ see it now and you want to just elope or run away, but trust me, after all this stress, your day will be BEAUTIFUL and you will not even think of all this stress on your wedding day. It will fly by and you will be so happy afterward. 


Post # 11
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So I just have to ask this first, you do have your dress by now, right? Because otherwise you need to get to that asap. Perhaps that’s something you can do with your FI so that you don’t have to involve your family?

If that’s all taken care of, try to focus on your FI and all the things you love with him. Have a nice dinner, open a bottle of bubbly and just laugh about all the craziness. Because honestly, the entire chicken argument on your FMILs is just silly and I’m sure there are more incidents like that to laugh about! To give you an example from my life, my dad (who helped out with a large portion of our wedding) and I both agreed that trout would be nice for the dinner. However, dad demanded that we would serve it head, bone and skin – like this (but one fish per person):


Personally it grosses me out when fish is served with the head… those white eyes, eww! We had a huge fight about it, with my dad arguing that “If we remove the head and skin, no one will know it’s a rainbow trout!”. Eh… ever heard about a menu? I eventually closed the argument by saying that we couldn’t do it due to the international guests. Once I had settled that one I could actually laugh about it, so whenever I would get into a hissy fit after that my husband would simply go “whole trout” and I would break away from the stress and just start to laugh. Find the fun where you can!

Post # 12
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

megaswell:  guilt is a horrible thing… try not to feel guilty about your parents paying. It sounds like they are more than happy to for you to have the wedding they want. 

Is there anyway you can sneak off and have your park marriage? It would be like you’re eloping at home! Then show up for the rest,and have a “fake” cermeony in front of everyone? Or just…do a vow renewal (so soon but whatever!) to appease your parents? 

I’m a vegetarian too and we’re serviving beef (POOR COWS is all I can think!!!) (but also a veg option so I can actually eat) — I totally feel you there. But it sounds like you’re being really reasonable. At this point, just focus on the end. Let everything go and do what you have to to get through it. 

I feel so sad for you knowing that your not having the wedding you want. 

But I know couple who had no say in their wedding, couldn’t wait till the day was over, and they’re as happy as ever now that the craziness is over. There’s a light at the end of your wedding day, as long as you’re marrying the person you want to!

Post # 13
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I could have written this post myself. The only difference is that my FI and I paid for our wedding, and we still caught static at every turn. We insisted on a small wedding (we wanted 20, ended up with 50). We’re doing a 11AM ceremony with a lunch after and calling it a day. No dance, no DJ. We did the bare minimum. His family is unhappy, and they “make suggestions” every time I see them, but I just nod my head and let it go in one ear and out the other.

Just because you don’t want the fairy princess day does not mean there’s anything wrong with you. I HATE being the center of attention, and I also HATE spending frivilously. Those two things pretty much “define” wedding, though! 🙂

My wedding is in two weeks. Two months out, I was right where you were and ready to pull the plug on the whole thing. I’m getting through it by reminding myself that I’ll wake up on June 2 as the wife of the greatest guy I know.

Hang in there!

Post # 14
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

You can do it, OP!! You’ve recieved Top Grade advice here. I know it’s easier said than done, but I love the impenetrable veil metaphor AND the “Surprise Me!” comeback advice. 

If you keep your eyes on the prize: your actual marriage to the love of your life, you can do it! 

Post # 15
498 posts
Helper bee

HBanan:  o I  love your advice and think that if she puts everything back into the laps of everyone who wanted this wedding (she does not want) should be the one planning and preparing it as well. Lol how much stress would she then be without if she only has to show up. That would be a gift to herself. Awesome

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