Weddingbee boards

So, my best friend's father was in the ICU 3.5 months before my wedding for some very scary conditions which one does not typically survive. He did, however, and was even able to attend my wedding (although he left early). I am also in the medical field (about to get my MD) and have spent significant time in the Cardiac ICU. It is a truly scary place. The experiences that families have are gigantic - as my grandmother says, "There are some things too big for tears" - and watching my patients' families helped me feel for my best friend/MOH. We never discussed her dropping out of the wedding, and I made sure to call her every single day (we live 400 miles apart) for the month he was in the hospital. So maybe I am biased, but I agree with Mr. Bee and the other posters that felt your friend was out of line in feeling that your family should not be the focus of your attention right now. Indeed it should be, as well as your own well-being. I think it is incredibly mature to say to someone that you are feeling swamped by life and are afraid you might disappoint someone if you are unable to fulfill your responsibilities. Honestly, it means you're trustworthy. So, my hugs to you. As corny as it sounds, keep up your positive attitude and cultivate patience. Things take a long time to shake out in medicine, and time before diagnoses and prognoses become clear. I am sorry you had to witness so many shocks...

That being said, while I think your friend's initial response was far from ideal, I think she has come to see your hurt, and is expressing that understanding in her follow up emails. Indeed, she is already problem-solving in asking her aunt to be on "stand-by" MOH duties. It's really a difference of approach - some people (as it seems to be with you, although I apologize if I misconstrued things) like to be prepared by thinking of all of the possibilities. Other people (your friend) put off the possibilities and prefer to confront them only when they are realities. I'm not sure where to go from here other than to say that you really need to see each other in person to decide whether to maintain the friendship and your position as MOH. 

Best of luck to you and your father.

Thanks everyone for giving me your feedback about this situation.  My father got discharged yesterday afternoon and we are closely monitoring him for the next few days at home. 

I have not heard anything back from my friend after I sent that last email.  For now, I am not ready to pick up the phone and call her up.  I'm actually becoming more bitter about what she wrote in her emails now that I can actually focus more on what happened between us. 

I'm leaning towards Mr. Bee's suggestion about doing the best job I can as her MOH, but to drop the friendship after the wedding....just fading away from her instead of making a bold statment about no longer wanting to be friends.  At best, I now consider her just a ''regular'' friend instead of a best/core friend. 

She is a nurse practioner, so I am very shocked and, most of all, disappointed that she behaved the way that she did during my family crisis.  I assumed that she, out of all my friends, would have been the one to show the most concern and compassion during this ordeal because of her medicial knowledge.

I'm just going to wait it out for a week before communicating with her because if I talk to her today or within the next couple of days, then I definitely would not be able to bite my tongue.  I need to give myself some time to recover from everything that I experienced these past 8 to 9 days.  A person has A LOT of revealations during a crisis...you really get to know who your true friends are and, unfortuantely, my friend has changed too much these past few years for me to even regard her as a best friend.  She wasn't like this back in college and during our 20s.  She will be 32 this year.  Yeah, I think I will most likely let the friendship drift away after her wedding.  We'll see though...

Her reply back:

''I love you as well, and I feel terrible about your family situation now and want to be there for you as well. However, I still don't agree that you don't "have a choice" to completely opt out of your best friend's wedding planning. There are many aspects to peoples' lives that they balance over a period of time. I'm going to use my aunt as my maid of honor and plan my own bachelorette party. I will be screwed if you have to back out a week (or even the weekend of) my wedding. I appreciate that you were honest about the possibility of having to back out last minute-I need someone to be my moral support the day of and during the wedding, have a dress that will match our wedding party, and be there to perform her role in the wedding.

I wish I could be your all support right now, but I am hurt the way your family problems first took you out of my shower planning completely (even after I offered you options to contribute what you can, even if not all that you had originally planned to do), and then a day later through a voice mail, completely out of my wedding. All I was hoping for was 48 hours to give to me, and hoped that your family would understand a circumstance like this, especially when discussed months in advance. I know that they appreciate our friendship as well as how you have been there for them 100%. I don't have the mental energy for everything going on right now from work being horribly overwhelming (and tear inducing at and after work some days), and being a full-time wedding planner. I don't feel that you shown any effort to be a part of my wedding at all, and I need someone that shows interest in helping with even a few small details before the wedding, even if she understandably would have to put her family first.''

Thanks for your input!  Well, I'm not sure what's going on anymore.  I think she has stopped talking to me all together.  I'm sad and disappointed in all of this even though my friends tell me that I'm not at fault and that she is showing her true colors (though I have no doubt that her group of friends are telling her the same thing too about me).  :/   I guess it depends on which team you are on, right?  Team former-MOH or team Bride.  Perhaps we should make T-shirts and take a tally?  J/K!  Maybe things will get better after her wedding is over.  Only time will tell...

I wrote the following after her last email, which you can see above in this thread:

''I understand your decision about changing your mind on who is MOH because I don’t want to make your wedding any harder or more stressful.  I never meant to imply that I don’t want to come to your wedding, but I also didn’t want to leave you hanging when it came to getting the help that you need because I am so tied up right now with my dad’s health crisis.  In fact, I did EXACTLY what you told me to do, so I’m shocked at the way you are behaving right now in terms of intentionally not giving me any support during my father’s poor state of health.  Specifically, on January 21st, you sent me an email and wrote the following:  ‘’ What I need to know is if I can depend on you to be there for me as a bridesmaid on the actual wedding day…I have a list of bridesmaid duties (from internet research) for the day before and day of the wedding, and I'll be very anxious if I can't be sure you will be able to do them for me. I'd have to find someone else very soon if I can't be sure you won't be there for me then. You're my only bridesmaid so this is especially important.’’     As soon as I thought that I could not give you the 100% dedication that you deserved for your wedding, I let you know.  I was respecting your wishes by doing exactly what you told me to do in the first place, which was to inform you right away if you could depend on me at a bridesmaid on the actual wedding day.  I do not know the future.  If I knew, without a doubt in my mind, that my dad is going to be okay, then of course I would be standing there next to you on your wedding day.  I was thrilled when Matt asked for my help to select your wedding ring.  I was excited and happy when we were talking on Skype, while I was living aboard, and looking at wedding dresses to choose from.  I already booked train tickets, and sent you itinerary, to come see you and [FMIL] to go cake tasting and I was really bummed out when I had to cancel my trip.  I do not see why you are accusing me of not showing any interest in your wedding. 

I can sympathize with how overwhelming your work must be from seeing all these sick people and their family members in tears on a daily basis on top of how you must feel so mentally drained at the end of the day.  I finally relate to that at a firsthand level instead of only sympathizing with you because now I’m one of those patient’s family members that you probably try your best to comfort.    I understand you in a complete way that I never thought I would be able to due to my family crisis and its aftermath.  So, please don’t think that I don’t understand what you are going through in your life with all these pressures.  It is incredibly mentally draining to take care of people who are so sick and needy and at the same time you have to carry on with your own life…especially when it’s turning out to be your full time job and especially when the illness is just that dire and it happens to be your father. 

I really thought that you, out of all my friends, would have shown the most compassion and understanding during this ordeal due to the fact that you are a nurse practitioner and, therefore, can see first-hand the range of emotions and pain that a family experiences from a loved one suffering.  If you were to see my dad and how much he has degenerated in a short amount of time, then you would understand how much he needs his family around him.  He doesn’t look like the same person at all; he has literally withered away.  Of course, though, I can’t actually get mad at my dad because nobody actually asks for heart problems and he is seriously suffering.   There is still talk, amongst his doctors, about him possibly needing a heart transplant, but we will have a better idea in April when he gets another cardio cath to see the true extent of damage to his heart muscles.

As far as your actual wedding goes, I fully intend to come, but again, my dad’s health is so precarious that I can’t say for sure and we are praying that nothing bad happens. So please keep your fingers cross that there is no sort of crisis occurs again.  Barring any medical emergency, where I have to stay home, I definitely plan on coming to your wedding, not because I feel like have to, but because I am excited to see your big day and to celebrate with you.''

She wrote back the following:

''Why am I upset at you? Not b/c you warned me that you may not be able to partake in all of the wedding planning as you'd like to, but that you basically have proven to me that our friendship must be put on hold until your family issues calm down. You haven't taken the interest in committing to contributing even the smallest to this whole thing-not even having the respect for my future mother in law to call her yourself and explain why you won't be involved in any of the planning. You could have called her and offered to contribute some money even, if you can't make it, to the shower, or promised to make this up to me by a weekend trip up here later on for a dress fitting, etc., when things calm down with your dad. All of your consideration for my feelings must be put on hold until your dad gets better. It's one thing to write a lengthy description of what you'd like to contribute, and another to make a small offer of being a part one of the most important days of my life, which you've known about for over a year now. You want me to put my feelings of hurt and trust aside and be there for you 100% with your family crisis? I can't do that I'm sorry. From your actions you've blown my trust for you as a friend and have told me that our friendship must be put on hold.

 Friendship is not 100% or nothing; it ebbs and flows in relation to time and other things in ones life, but shouldn't be put on hold until one's person's particular situation is overcome. Obviously you don't have any consideration for my feelings at all as a friend; your interest and contributions to my wedding is either 0 or 100%, and I'm not a good enough friend to be alotted even the smallest promise to assist with something down the line.

 If you want me to think about things from your point of view (shoe on the other foot), I would NEVER tell you that I can't promise anything, no matter what is going on in my life. You have been my best friend of 11 years and you are worth more than that for the most important day of your life. If my grandfather was on his deathbed the day before you wedding, I understandably would not be able to go to your wedding, but at least I would have put some effort forth to contribute some to your wedding planning beforehand, knowing that if I had to back out on attending the shower, bachelorette party, or wedding, at least I would have been there for you for part of the situation. Your life cannot be that overwhelming that you cannot balance family issues and your best friend at the same time. Feel free to drop me right now and that pick me up later as a friend. Show some interest in your best friend's big day.

 Please don't try to convince me of feeling guilty b/c I do not about the wedding planning situation. I feel guilty that I cannot be there for you as a friend during your situation, but you have not put forth your effort to be there for me at all. You will regret this down the line.''

Her first statement in her email above is what I am shocked about.  I think she feels like I'm only putting her ''on hold'' so to speak.  I have put all other aspects of my life on hold right now too as my father recovers (ie. telecommunting to work rather than going into office, no social life, no gym, etc.).  My brother has also put his marriage 'on hold' so to speak for a couple of weeks to stay with my dad too.  Luckily, my SIL is very supportive and does not give him a hard time for staying with our parents to care for my dad during this recovery period. 

Also, I was not aware of having to contact her FMIL.  I thought the proper protocol is to contact the bride and the bride tells her FMIL.  I don't even know the FMIL and the bride even stated to me that she will let her FMIL know that I can't help with the wedding shower planning due to my father being in the ICU....so I'm not sure why she is getting on my case about being disrespectful to her FMIL. 

I wrote my last email to her and I haven't heard back from her since then.

''I think we have trouble understanding each other.  I can’t understand your perceptive and it’s obviously that you don’t understand where I am coming from.  You believe that I am being selfish and neglecting our friendship by favoring my father over you.  While I believe you do not understand the concept of family and making sacrifices for family members who are in need.  You said in your last email that if it was your loved one who was ill and I was the one who was getting married, then you would still make time for me by going out of your way to help me plan my wedding.  Since your grandfather has already passed on, what if it was your husband that was ill?  If, hypothetically, it happened to be your husband and you were going out of your way to help me make wedding plans instead of taking care of your husband, then under my belief system that would make you a neglectful wife rather than a good friend. I would actually feel sorry for Matt rather than feel happy for myself.  Incidentally, if it was you who had some sort of crisis, illness or otherwise, and [friend #1] or [friend #2] had their wedding, I would explain to them how you need me right now and they would understand.  In fact, they would want me to be there for you during your time of need. 

At this point, you need to figure out if you want to reconcile our differences, and if so, we need to discuss how to do so in a mutually respectful manner.   From the past few emails, I get the impression that you no longer want to be my friend, and I hope that it is not the case.  We have sent many emails back and forth trying to explain our feelings and it only seems to lead to you having greater animosity towards me rather than leading to a compromise of me being your maid of honor as long as my father does not have another medical crisis. 

I understand you replacing me as your maid of honor with your aunt because this wedding is very important to you and you want somebody to be there for you with 100% certainty.  However, it seems you only get angrier to the point where you write increasingly insulting and hurtful things to me.  Now I am unsure of saying anything to you at all because I am afraid of further angering you, especially during your wedding season, which ought to be joyous.  Since I can’t seem to explain my perceptive without making you angry, I am leaving it up to you to decide what you want to do.  Please think about what I said and the pressures that I am going through as I do the same when it comes to the pressures that you are dealing with you so we can find some common ground.

You can call me anytime you want to discuss how to proceed.  I saw my father almost die and that traumatic experience put a lot of perceptive in my life.  Good people are hard to find and I really don’t want to fight with you.  There is no rush or time limit in contacting me.  You can wait until you are no longer stressed out and have had time to think.  I will still be here for you because I certainly don’t want to lose your friendship.''