- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
Add me to the list of anonabees with this post and please, please forgive me for the rambling that I am sure I’m going to do. I’m an emotional mess.
Hive, I have a couple of serious issues going on. Let’s start with the fact that I’m almost completely convinced that I should end things with FI. The date on this profile is not correct. Our wedding is actually supposed to be sooner than that. I have a long list of logical reasons that we should not go through with it. FI is an alcoholic and suffers from depression. Several years ago he made the decision to get sober and straighten himself out. We were friends during that time so I saw his transformation. He relasped in the begining but then really, really made the concerted effort and had gotten himself in a better place. He became active in AA, got medicated, and went to counseling. Our relationship progressed and a couple years later we got engaged.
However, FI has had some difficulties for the past 6 months or so. He lost his job, sunk deeper into depression, and relasped again. He’s become a different person. He is a mean drunk. He made some bad decisions and actually got into some legal trouble. He has since, gotten sober again.
I have stood by his side and been as supportive as I know how to be. I have made a lot of very substainal sacrifices for him but I have felt taken for granted. I have been hurt by his actions and things he has said. 3 weeks ago, I suggested that he go and stay at his mom’s house for a while (we have lived together for about 2.5 yrs). The biggest issue that I’ve had is that he has been dishonest. A lot. About stupid stuff that he didn’t have to even be dishonest about and about big stuff. Trust is a critical point for me. I won’t delve into anymore details but the bottom line is that I do not trust him and, as selish as it may sound, I cannot emotionally handle his depression nor his relapse.
Here’s my problem, though. I love him. I truly 100% love him and I want him to be safe and happy. Deep down he is a good man…a complicated man…but he does have a good heart. Last night we talked about everything and FI very much wants to work things out by doing, in his words “whatever it takes to make it right.” I want to say ok…I want to say we can do it…I want to tell him to come home. But I can’t. I can’t shake the feeling that this will become a cycle that repeats. I cannot let go of some of the hurtful things he has said and done. For some reason, though, I cannot seem to go through with ending things. I was able to tell him that we needed to postpone the wedding but that’s as far as I could get.
Here’s the second part…and this is probably even worse. Although I am in love with FI, I am also in love with someone else. My best friend is a guy that I met long before I met FI. We’ll call this guy M. When I met M, he was unhappily engaged. First, we hung out together with friends then eventually just the two of us. M and I instantly hit it off. We became very, very close. He began to share with me his feelings about getting married. The Cliffs Notes verison is that she got pregnant when they were young, lost the baby, she blamed him, he felt like he needed to stick it out with her, so they stayed together, bought a house, and planned a wedding. I tried to be supportive and told him that he shouldn’t marry her if he wasn’t certain and he really struggled with it-which is ironic considering my own current situation. Anyway, the obvious happened and one thing lead to another and he cheated on his fiance with me. I felt awful. I didn’t know what to do. I had never met his fiance and I felt like the worst person ever for what we did. We did not speak for several days and then we finally sat down and talked about everything that had happened and everything that was going on between us.
We were honest that we had feelings for each other but he said he felt trapped. At this point, he was only a month or so out from his wedding. I was crushed. I decided that I needed to cut ties.Two days before his wedding, I heard from him. He was undecided if he was going to go through with it. I didn’t ask him to choose. I just told him he needed to do whatever he felt in his heart to be right. He married her. We did not talk for a few weeks. I was heart broken. Eventually, he started calling and texting again. Despite the physical mistake, we had become the best of friends. M and I agreed that we would put that behind us and just be friends. Neither of us have very many close people in our lives so our friendship became a really important aspect.
We’ve maintained this non-physical friendship for a couple years. M is the one that encouraged me to go out with FI when he asked. FI knows that M has a special place in my heart and that he is an important friend. FI and M have become friends as well. However, FI does not know about our past indescrestion nor does he know about my feelings. Even worse, M’s wife is oblivious. She knows I exist but we’ve never met.
Fast forward to now and I can’t help but think of M when I think of marrying FI or not marrying him for that matter. For a long time I was able to surpress those feelings but I guess the idea of breaking up with FI has made them come to the surface again. M is married. There is no part of me that wants to jepordize that. He is very unhappy in his marriage and from what I understand, so is she. However, she doesn’t believe in divorce. M feels stuck. Regardless, I have no intention of bringing up any feelings or making any mistakes again.
My heart aches for FI. I feel like marrying him wouldn’t be fair to him nor would it be fair to me. In my heart I know it isn’t right but I feel awful. My heart also hurts because of M. I love him but that is not a relationship that could ever be.
I’m not even sure what I’m looking for from you bees. I guess I just needed to unload. If you’ve read this far…thanks for sticking it out!
I feel so lost and confused.