(Closed) I'm in a mess. Need support and perspective!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Oh wow.. I’m SO sorry that your FI has relapsed.  I have no experience dealing with that sort of thing, so I can’t even help.  I have no idea if he will get better or relapse again or whatnot.  But if you feel it’s wrong, you have to follow your heart. 

As for the part about M, I know he’s your friend, but you NEED to cut ties with him.  You will NEVER get over him if you don’t.  It will take you a VERY LONG time to get over BOTH FI and M, but I think you should cut them both out at the same time (if your heart tells you to break it off with FI).  I think that would be the best way for you to move on, start new, and find someone who is HEALTHY for you – which neither of these guys really seem to be.

🙁

Post # 4
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

So sorry you are dealing with all of this. Depression and alcoholism in a SO are not easy to handle. I know I couldn’t do it because it is something you battle your whole life.  It will come and go in cycles.  I think it is wise to postpone the wedding until you sort through this. I recommend getting yourself from counseling, as well – maybe boht individually and as a couple if you guys want to give it one more chance.

I don’t think the other man should be a factor in your decision to leave your FI or not. As I understand, he is still married?  I think you’re setting yourself up for hurt if you leave your FI thinking you and the other man will get together and live happily ever after.  

Personally, I think if you end it with FI you should not pursue a relationship with the other man either.  You need a fresh start.

Hope everything works out for the best for you. hugs xo

Post # 7
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Break it off. Learn to be on your own. You have the strength and you just have to believe in yourself.

Post # 10
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@SadBeeWalking:  I know it’s hard.  I know it’s terrifying.  It’s comfortable and that’s what makes it hard.  Change and the unknown are not easy.  But, you need to do it.   I bet you anything that you will be happier in the end if you cut ties with both and move on.  I’m sure you can do it, you just need to do it. 

Post # 11
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@SadBeeWalking:  To begin with…. *hugs*

A couple of things here:

1) You don’t trust him. A relationship is nowhere without trust.

2) You’re in love w. someone else. I don’t think you want to be w. your FI with all your heart because of this.

Just based on these two huge things you need to end the engagement.

Imagine this scenario… except as a married couple. Maybe with kids. You don’t want to go there.

You deserve to be treated well. I won’t go into the other guy thing, but if your FI is a liar and makes you feel bad, you don’t want to be with him. Love isn’t the be-all and end-all. Just because you love him does NOT mean you should marry him.

Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@SadBeeWalking:  Agree with other bees. You need to be on your own for w hile far far away from wither of them. Time wll sort things out. You need to learn that you can just be by yourself first.

Post # 13
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

At the very least you should postpone the wedding until you both have things worked out. Don’t you both deserve to marry someone that will love and put you first? Work on yourselves first and then revisit marriage if and when your both back on track. It would just be compounding the mess to throw the adjustment of marriage in the mix.

Post # 14
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I agree with MrsWBS. coming from a family of alcoholics, this is no easy issue. Unless your ready to spend the rest of your life going through his cycles of relapsing, then hold off on the wedding. Spend some time alone, and really think it through about what you want. It’s not about the “getting married” it about spending the rest of your life with the man your marring, and everything the comes along with that. Good luck to you, i too recommend counsluing and even Al-anon. (which is a group that is there to support people who have loved and been effected by an alcoholic)

Post # 15
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

I can’t speak to your main issue, but I can speak to the “other woman” role. M wanted, and wants, to be with his wife or he’d be with you. Actions speak louder than words. He may have told you he felt torn up, and maybe he did, but that doesn’t change his ultimate decision. People like to know someone is in love with them, they like options. I’m sure he would entertain an affair, but don’t forget you are only getting one side of the story. I promise you he tells his wife the other side. Don’t stay with your FI if he is your way of settling. If M were free and wanted to be with you, would you leave your FI? If the answer is yes, then you should not be with him. But you have to accept you’re not going to be with M. As pps said, be single and be in a relationship with yourself for a while.

Post # 16
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

For both your FI and M actions speak louder than words do. FI is showing you that this will be a continuous problem in your relationship. He will have relapses. If you cannot get over what has happened in the past you can’t have a future relationship. 

As others have said, M is not in love with you. If he wanted to truely be with you he would be. 

I think you are staying with FI due to guilt over your feelings for M. You feel bad that you put yourself in that situation and aren’t true to him. You need to start a new life without either of them. It’s hard but you can do it. 

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