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five years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone. i think it's completely normal to kind of want to just move on with your life, and especially not want to see the other person with their husband, or even show off your fi in front of them. i was in a 7 1/2 year relationship and of course we kept in touch after it ended, but when i met my fi i felt like i just didn't have any need for him anymore. and like i said, i wanted to move on with my life, he's my past.
I can see why you might feel insecure about it but I personally think it's good he doesn't have or want contact with her. I'm more of the jealous type and I wouldn't want my FI to have exes involved in his/our life. It would just piss me off. None of my exes are in my/our life. It's just easier that way. Some people can be friends with exes and that's all well and good for them, but if he doesn't want a relationship with her I don't see why you should let that bother you. It's his choice. They are the ones that have a past together and I think you should respect his decision not to want her in his life, whatever the reason.
Maybe he just realized that he was basing their friendship solely on the fact that they were together for so long, and just doesn't really feel the need to be friendly with her anymore. There is no harm there, and I really don't think you should be upset by it! And yes, it is just your insecurities talking suggesting that this means "something happened" ;) don't fret unless you have a really good reason to
Maybe he's just trying to move forward/on with his life? I don't think it has anything to do with him being hurt or having feelings for her. To me, it seems a bit strange to remain friends with a girl you dated in high school and her now husband. Maybe your FI feels the same way? That he's moving onto a different chapter in his life and keeping this relationship is awkward and pretty uneccessary?
To clarify, my FI kind of had a similar story. He dated a girl for over 4 years through high school and some of college. They broke it off about a year before he started dating me. I would think it was pretty strange if they still hung out and stuff. She tried to contact him for years after they broke up. FI felt it wasn't really necessary for her to be in his life anymore. People grow up and move on, simple as that.
I think what gets me the most is that why all of a sudden after she gets engaged would he stop all contact. She is a super nice girl. They come from a really small community and a very tight knit group of 6 friends, so when one goes they all go because they dont all see eachoterh that often. 3 of the 6 people in that group are in our wedding, so you invite one you invite all.
I just found it uncomfortable that once she was engaged contact stopped and we got engaged. I'm glad he doesn't talk to her as much as he did. That's for sure, but cutting off all contact was a bit strange with the timing for me.
I'm usually not very jealous. But it just struck me differently this time around I guess.
I stayed friends with my ex-fiance, and when he started dating his girlfriend there were a lot of obstacles (his parents and friends really disliked her, and he made a lot of promises that he didn't follow through on). I figured the last thing in the world she needed on top of dealing with all that was to deal with an ex hanging around. So I limited significantly the amount of time I spent talking to him, and very rarely saw him. It might be possible that your FI doesn't want to interfere with his exes marriage, and that is why he pulled away.
It was probably just a wake up call for him! Even if he was secretly pining for her up until her engagement, he realized it and doesn't want to anymore. I doubt that's the case, but it really really doesn't sound bad to an outsider (or this outsider, anyway). She's moved on, so has he, and you should too! And whatever you feel (cause I know you can't help feelings!) DO NOT ASK HIM WHY. It will only come off as insecure and unattractive. Just accept that their friendship is over and move on, would be my suggestion. (again, i recognize that this is easier said than done when you're curious, but it really does not seem fishy with the facts you've provided)
Thanks everyone, your definitely puting my mind at ease. I would never ask him anyway! that's why I have you guys!! :-) It wasn't driving me crazy enough to be obvious...but crazy enough to definitely bother me and be curious!
But from all your opinions, I know what he's doing is right and has a good purpose even if it was that he still had something up until the engagement of her or not. It's what's now and not then. :-) What would I do without ya'll!
I could understand them being friends if it was mutual or they had split a long time ago and the feelings had long since vanished.
But it sounds like FI just wants to move on. I kept in minimal contact with my ex, until I realized he was dating someone else. It was just really tough, and even though by that time I was engaged to FI, it didn't change my questions of why could he commit to her and not me. I don't want to chagne things, and I love my FI more than anything, but it just made me realize that by keeping in contact with my ex, I was keeping open a door to the past that needed to be shut.
I can't imagine being friends with FI's ex, or him being friends with my ex. I'd talk with your FI about why he doesn't want to see them. I think in this kind if situation, regardless of how much you and his ex get along, you have to follow your FI's lead on how much contact with them he's comfortable with.
It seems to me that what you're afraid of (and not saying) is that he still loves her and could handle her dating someone else but can't handle seeing her married and THAT is why he stopped contact.
I would look at it the other way. I would say wow... her getting engaged must have made him really evaluate what he wants in life and what he wants is you! So why be friends with this girl? Why have her in his life? He has all he needs in you and any closeness he used to feel has been extinguished.
I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who cheated on me after 5 years of dating either. Would you?
to me, the fiance not wanting to spend time with the ex is a good thing, and i'd accept it happily and leave it at that :)
HAHA no I wouldn't. But when he brought it up a long time ago, i mean clearly i asked when we first started dating what made it end after 5+ years, all he said was she started seeing someone else out there. So I am unsure what that meant. I take it as dating someone yeah. He's very ummm, passive. He just gives minimal information, which is probably a good thing at times. :-)
Sounds like my man, kinda. He had has gf for like 3 or so years, then they broke up when she went to college in a different state. They stayed BEST FRIENDS and always hung out and talked. They would still even go to the movies together and stuff. Since we started dating, and got serious, he tells me that she annoys him and that he doesn't really even like her. But when we were putting our guest list together, he wanted to invite her! I am totally confused, and upset! I know I overreact a lot, and that I get upset about stupid things I shouldn't. I have those thoughts that he must have feelings for her still and such, but I don't know what it is. Sorry I'm not much help, but at least you know you aren't alone!
Ha she is also invited to our wedding!!! No questions were asked though because we attended hers out of hte goodness of our heart Because seh is super sweet and they com from a small town that what makes it difficult. His parents are friends with hers.
First off kudos for being mature and secure enough to be friends with your FI's ex. Secondly maybe your FI feels once people start a family it is a little inappropriate to remain friends with Ex's. Maybe he doesnt want her husband to get any weird feelings about their friendship so he rather back off. Either way I feel you shouldnt read too much into it unless he does something to express hate or anger towards her.
I agree that it sounds like you are worried that his contact with her has stopped because he may still harbor feelings for her or something. There is no way to know why he stopped talking to her unless you ask him, so all of us saying all these "what if's" are just that.
Instead, just focus on the fact that he is marrying and in love with you, and really be honest with yourself about why you are friends with her. I mean, do you really like her, or is it to make yourself feel more comfortable?
Have you considered that perhaps he finds it awkward that you guys are now so buddy-buddy and that has made him want to keep his distance from her?
Whatever the reason, like I said before, there is no way to know what he is thinking or why he is behaving the way he is unless you ask him. If you're hesitant to bring it up, then somewhere deep inside you probably know why you feel jealous (not saying you have a reason to).
My two cents for what they're worth. Take what you need and leave the rest.
CurlyDreamer, I have great intentions with my friendship with her. She is definitely a sweet girl and all of the 6 group of friends (half girls) I feel the same way with, we seemed to all have bonded on our trip accross the country for her wedding when we were there and that made me more comfortable with her. So it's not like the "keep your enemies closer" if that's what your kinda saying.
LOL i'm not liek that, it's genuine. I enjoy not only her company but the rest of the group too. So I suppose, I think I'm going to just ask him why the dont' speak anymore. I think it will be innocent enough where it's afair question. I will let you know how it goes :-)
Put yourself in your FI's position. If Mr. Spaniel suddenly became friends with my first significant ex, and tried to get me to hang out with him, I would be PISSED, not because anything happened, but because that's MY business and MY past and if he really hurt me by getting involved with someone else (which actually is what my first significant ex did), it would feel like a huge betrayal. I know what you're saying about worrying that maybe something else went on that you don't know about, but actually I think what you know is enough information to explain his behavior.
I don't think you need to stop being friends with her if you really like her, but I do think that it should be one of those quieter friendships that you don't need your FI to be involved in.
I was with someone for 4 years before I met my husband. We tried to maintain a friendship, but it just got way too complicated. There weren't any feelings left, at least on my side, but I just realized that it was better if we didn't communicate anymore. Besides, it just didn't feel right since I was seeing my husband by that time.
I had to ask him not to contact me again until he was ready to just be friends. I haven't heard from him since. It's for the best. It had nothing to do with having feelings for him.
The only thing you can do is come out and ask him.
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So my fiance is from a small town. Graduated with 40 kids in HS and dated the same girl for 5 years until she left her summer going into junior year of college to intern accross the country. She asked him to move there with her for the summer, but he was committed to school near home and his job so he stayed while she went. She met a man she dated while still in the relationship with my fiance. And they ended up breaking it off that summer when she returned. She ended up moving accross the country for her job, after a few summers interning there and kept in close contact with my fiance.
With that being said, they remained in pretty close contact up until she got engaged Dec of 08' and we shortly followed after in June of 09'. He didn't really have any means to be in contact with her anymore but she tried just the same as always. We attended her wedding this fall, I think unwillingly by my fiance, but other close friends were going as well.
Now everytime she comes to town he avoids seeing her and her husband. Even though I have become fairly good friends with her, being such a sweetheart and having a good heart. She is always making sure i'm not getting too stressed out wedding planning and since she just got married I can always text or email with any questions since none of my friends have been married yet.
I guess in the end, why do I seem so upset at him for dropping her out of his life all of a sudden. I almost feel like something happened with them that I don't know about. That he was hurt and still feels stung? I mean it was his first gf for over 5 years. It just strikes me as so odd for being so close with her for so long and now almost avoids her. Anyone have any advice tips? I will take anything to put my mind at ease!