(Closed) I'm just ANGRY! (Sorry, it's long… just really need some advice)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You need to come to some kind of common ground.  You can’t force him to propose if he doesn’t feel like he’s ready.  You seem completely unwilling to compromise anything.

Post # 4
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is a difficult situation.  You ultimately have to take a deep breath and have a heart-to-heart…with yourself.  You say you love your SO and you want to be with him.  You also say you want to be engaged before you move to be with him.  Finding a job in your current city would likely put off you and SO living together any time soon.

I feel your pain.  My SO took a job 1200 miles away about three months ago.  We both knew we wanted a future together, but I stressed to him how important it was to have that level of committment from him before I uprooted my entire life to be with him.  While he understood, I think he felt that I should know already that I have his committment…ring on my finger or not (happily, he proposed about 3 weeks ago).

Try your best to put aside the hurt you are feeling NOW and think about what you want for your FUTURE. I’m a strong believer that everything works out in the end, but you have the power to get the ball rolling in whichever direction you choose.

Post # 6
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Your story sounds a lot like mine! Except I was finished with school and working when FI graduated in 2008. He didn’t find his job until Feb 2010. I ended up quitting my (great) job and moving across the country to be with him (before we got engaged). Having to find a new job was frustrating and stressful. Like your bf, mine was more interested in buying nice things like a huge tv, new car, Playstation, A HOUSE, etc. before proposing. I gave up my whole life where I had lived for 20 years to be with him and it seemed like proposing was the last thing he wanted to do. I didn’t insist on being engaged before living together and there were times when I wished I had. But to be honest, we might not be together now if I had. Financially that wasn’t plausible…not to mention, it just wasn’t the right time for him and forcing him would be wrong. I totally understand your frustration, but if you really want to be with him and there isn’t anything WRONG with your relationship other than not being engaged, you need to decide if you can compromise with him. Rather than saying “we have to be engaged for me to move there,” could you maybe say “I’d like to be engaged within XX months/years/etc”? It took about a year and a half after I moved out here, but we did finally get engaged and the timing ended up being perfect, despite my anxiousness.

Post # 7
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I lived with my fiance for a fair while before he proposed, I get how hard it must be to make the decision to uproot and go where he is without the promise of a ring, but by moving there it does show that you are committed to the relationship, I’m not saying it has to be you, if the tables were turned and it was him looking for a job where you are I would be saying the same thing about him.

Life in general is about taking a few risks, as long as you can back that up financially so if god forbid it didn’t work out, then you would at least not be left high and dry. 

Also living with someone just as boyfriend and girlfriend is a tester in itself of any relationship, my own belief is that once you have lived with them, can cope with all the good and bad, have established a routine then the next part comes naturally, again I am just going by my situation, I understand that not everyone will live with someone first, in some cases until they are married. 

Do what you feel comfortable with, put yourself in a situation that will work either way, and see what happens… sorry if that’s not the best of advice

Post # 8
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@allyouneedislove:  Waiting SUCKS.  But I promise, I PROMISE, when the proposal happens, you will look back at everything you are thinking and feeling now and it will be worth it.  I felt like all the bitterness I felt melted away.  Which maybe makes me sound like a spoiled B, but it melted away because I was happy and excited for our future!

Have you looked into Mr. Bee’s plan?  Based on the fact that you have been with SO for a while, and you have made it through two years of LDR (bless your heart!), I think going over part of your plan will help you focus on you and on what’s important. 

Post # 9
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I have been in my LDR for 2 years now. However I have told him from the beginning that when he moves here ( this year were hoping) if he wants to live with me I have to be engaged. I have three kids and I want to set an example. I tease him about finding him an apartment and he tells me no I will live with you but he knows I won’t budge on my decision. If you find a great opportunity for a job near him there is nothing wrong with living apart but if I didn’t have kids I would most likely let my bf live w me wo ring.  I think you should take time to relax and then formulate a plan to discuss your concerns with him before you make a life decision on moving. 

Post # 10
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Definitely speak with your boyfriend again, and try to see his side of the story too.  He’s already said he wants to settle down with you, and one day get married, so in his mind, he’s made a perfectly acceptable commitment to you. It’s not as formal as you’re hoping for, but at least he’s being direct in his vision of the future.

American society puts these weird ideas into mens’ heads. The ring has to cost $X or the woman will not love it.  In fact, there are plenty of threads on this board about waaaahh my ring is too small.  It’s not at all surprising that he wants to have some more money when he goes to buy the ring, and that he wants to be more financially stable before you get married. That’s just what he’s been brought up to want.

Perhaps you could find some common ground such as, you’d really feel better moving if you were engaged, and you’d be happy with a very inexpensive ring (put a price on it, and be honest; don’t forget to explore the diamond alternatives) and a longer engagement if he’d be willing to make it official before you move.

Post # 11
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

As I see it you have really only 2 choices that fit within your moral compass.

1- Stay where you are… and build your life there with your career etc

2- Move to where he is… and live seperately, and thereby build your life there with your career etc.

If you do either of these, he’ll pretty soon figure out that you are a pretty independent thinking woman.  And not one who can be “assumed” to be available to him as he wants…

IF he is serious about you, he’s going to have to work within your needs / moral compass.

Trust me you’ll know soon enough.

PS… I had an issue with my SO that was blocking us from getting married as well… although we were living together, I was pulling a Carrie Bradshaw (not giving up my condo), and I told him out flat, that it was because there was NO RING.  My having “my own place” and thereby potentially the ability to move on with that life without him… bothered him… a lot.  To the point, where he finally decided that he needed to “put a ring on it”.  Engagement has been announced, and condo will soon be on the market.  And alls well for BOTH of us… we couldn’t be happier (lol, advantage is we now have twice as much money available to spend on housing — disadvantage is we have 2 of everything… we are planning a garage sale, and putting the money into our Honeymoon Fund)

 

Post # 12
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

“ I don’t want to move there without a ring at all, but we also don’t want to do long distance any longer. I don’t want to stay here without him. I don’t want to move there and not live with him. I don’t want to live with him without being engaged.”

These are the things you want. Now what are you unwilling to do without? Him or a ring?

I’m of the opinion that you should apply to positions in both locals. If you get a job where you are at, stay. You are fresh out of college with no experience in your field (Or possibly some internships) and getting a job is going to be hard. Your SO on the other hand now has experience he could put on a resume to increase his chances of getting a job… say close to you. If however you get a job near him… move in. The theory behind both options is that being a couple is about facing whatever may come. One of you is going to have to step up to make things work.

Post # 13
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I understand your frustration, but you do need to compromise a bit.  He wants to propose when he feels more financially stable, which is a smart choice.  You should not hold electronics purchases and/or vacations against him – it is his money, he can spend it as he chooses.  He probably still has savings that he is adding into each month, and these are extras. 

I don’t understand why you can’t live with him if you are not engaged?

Post # 15
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I can see both sides of your point here, and I think a lot of the advice here is worth considering. It’s a personal decision only you could make–to me it would ultimately come down to needing to have a conversation and my deciding where he really is with the issue (and whether that matches where you are). Is he using not being established enough as an excuse? Is he telling you one thing and then trying not to hurt your feelings by going along with it but not really wanting it? To me, getting engaged when those feelings are there is a recipe for disaster. But if he just needs time for himself, if he is invested in the relationship, or if he has a completely different idea of what he needs to have for you, it should be pretty easy to clear up. Not only that–but it’s something that needs to be cleared up.

If you can’t communicate where you are in a relationship individually and together, it’s not going to work out. And trying to rush marriage at that point is nothing but detrimental. It sounds like you need time to figure that out. And so maybe a ring is rushing it and you just need to look at why it’s so important for you to have that. Are you insecure about how he feels? Do you worry about how others look at it? Is it that you have feelings about him expecting you to give everything up? Is it that you think he’s expecting a greater sacrifice than he is willing to make himself? If you can figure that out and sit down and have a real heart to heart to communicate those feelings to him, you’ll both be in a much healthier place in your relationship.

Post # 16
Member
3599 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I can relate.  In an ideal world I would have prefered being engaged before moving in together. But, we don’t live in an ideal world.

When SO took his job overseas (nearly 7000 miles and a 7/8 hour time difference) we had a big open conversation.  Unlike you two, we did make “plans” and I move to be with him in a few weeks. I wont have a job and or a long-term visa (they come as a pair). I don’t see it as a “sacrifice” but an opportunity. Maybe it’s a compromise, I don’t know. What I do know is that we want to be together. The work (very very good job) took him away, and we decided together that that was ok for us, as a couple.

Like you, I also thought we were on track for an imminent engagement but when I mentioned this to SO, even though it had been discussed in length, he had a mini-freak-out. At first I was upset, scared, and so on.  I too wanted a ring on my finger before the “big move”. If I had a penny for everytime someone said “oh so you guys must be serious?” or “when’s the wedding?” or other such sentiments I’d be rolling in it. But it took me a while to actually ask myself and realise why I wanted to get engaged.

I realised that whilst I want to get married (we both do) that e-ring means nothing more than the promises he’s already made to me. What do I get from a e-ring that I don’t already know? He wants the proposal to be perfect, and so do I. So I’m just going to relax and let him do his thing, whatever thart may be. Neither of us want to feel “pressured” into an engagement or a wedding. There is no reason for us to “rush” (even though visa-wise and next of kin wise it would be “easier”).

We will get engaged and eventually be married. But “security” (whatever that means) is not a reason. I think you’re scared, like I was. And that’s ok. It’s a BIG deal. But I don’t think it has anything to do with being engaged/married or not.  Does that make sense?

You need to talk to him and express your fears and worries, that’s what I did.  He’ll no doubt share some of those feeling but even getting them out there will be a weight off your shoulders.

Best of luck (and sorry this is long)

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