I'm just so confused ADVICE PLEASE

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It sounds like even if you tried to get out what you want to say, it wouldn’t go over well. Id just say ok and move on but It doesn’t mean you have to be bffs. This is sad and unfortunate. I have a sister who I no longer speak with. No families are perfect as you are well aware. I’d just try and move past it as best as you can. I’m sorry you have to deal with such nonsense . 

Post # 4
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t feel like you provided enough history of your relationship with your sister for me to give you any solid advice. Every family is different and every relationship is different. My family is messed up in its own way and a lot of nasty stuff was said and things happened throughout the years, but it would never occur to me to not talk/ forgive my sister. She is my family, and to me family is very precious no matter what was said/done. 

Post # 5
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@ashley050406:  Love is always a choice. You found out that when times got hard, your sister didn’t live up to your expectations. You can choose to forgive her despite her faults, and love her anyway. Maybe she’ll do better the next time you need her, or maybe she won’t. But you can be the type of person who YOU want to be – someone who can forgive, and who can love family unconditionally.

Post # 7
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You need a break to concentrate on you and your husband.  Take a few weeks with no family.  Call it a cleanse of sorts.  Think it through and make a decision.  Just take some time to think and feel and relax a little.

Post # 9
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I really dislike your sister’s approach to you. It seems very disrespectful –

a) discussing your dad moving in with you BEFORE anyone discusses it with YOU

b) yelling and screaming at you in your own home

c) promising you all this support and then bailing when you really need it, using the age old excuse “when you have kids you will understand”.  Having kids has nothing to do with keeping your word!!

I think that BEFORE you fix things with your sister you need the following:

a) establish why your dad is living with you and for how long

b) some health professional intervention for your father, if this is long term. Are there services available in your area? Do they have Home Care, Meals on Wheels, Respite Care – anything that will lift your load? If his needs are so high, does he need to be at a nursing home? I note he has terminal cancer… are there palliative care services? A social worker may also be helpful in making other family members realise this entire burden cannot be placed on you.

c) establish some boundaries with your sister and father. Yelling and screaming is not an option. Abusing you and guilting you is not an option. If they don’t like it, they should leave

d) flexibility. If your sister won’t come over, can your dad go to her’s and hang out at her place instead? Can they take him for a day out with his grandkids?

e) be kind to yourself. It is not easy looking after someone with terminal cancer. You deserve to treat you and your husband a little… a date, a massage, cake and sundaes by the beach… anything. Stand together and be strong. You are a team!

Then… perhaps after all that… you can build a relationship with your sister. On YOUR TERMS. Relationships without rules are open to abuse.


Post # 11
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013


Oh, I’m sorry I misunderstood. I’m glad your husband stood up for  you!

I’m glad that that issue resolved; I’m so sorry it had to happen so close to your wedding.

I still think that boundaries are important. At the very least your sister sounds insincere and really lacks empathy. I think that it is very telling that SHE wants to mend this relationship and when you tell her how much you were hurt, she DOES NOT apologise and instead gets defensive and just says that YOU don’t understand because you don’t have kids.

I have a a sister who I have a difficult relationship with as well. She used similar excuses and exhibited similar behaviour. I would say that our relationship is much more distant than it was 18 months ago. I’m pretty sad about that but my fiance made me realise that there were behaviours in her that he noticed years ago – I was just seeing them for the first time.

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