Post # 1
It’s really starting to cause some problems in our relationship. He was an only child and has a very close group of friends (that are “like brothers”). However, I feel I am on the same level as them in his eyes, or maybe even they trump my importance. For me, he is #1.. no ifs ands or buts.. But a lot of times lately I’m feeling like about #5 on his list.
He sees his friends several nights a week for several hours. I don’t really do much, I go home every day after work pretty much, let the dogs out, maybe pick up the house a bit, watch tv, read, or work on designing invitations or our photography. I am having a hard time dealing with feeling like he’d rather be out and about with them than at home with me. In reality, I realize it’s not true that he doesn’t want to be home.. He comes home every night to me, and we have a lot of fun together.
But for me, I just feel like we don’t really see eye to eye on this and neither of us are willing to compromise. He’s not willing to spend less time with his friends and I’m not willing to say it’s a fair amount of time he spends with them.
I think the best advice I can give to myself is to try to become more involved with other things & try to find a class to take or something. It would force him to come home after work to let the dogs out because for once I have something to do..
Did you settle for anything in your relationship? Do you think this is something that can be dealt with?
Post # 3
I think it’s pretty common for one person to be more social than the other. DH is more social than me for sure! However, it becomes a problem when 1)one person isn’t happy with the situation and 2) the difference is so huge that you can’t compromise.
I don’t think there’s a “right” answer here. Your SO’s behavior seems out of line to me personally (i.e. I would never put up with it). However, I’m sure other bees would be completely fine with that level of socializing (either because they’re out with their own friends or they love their alone time and don’t mind staying home alone).
The obvious answer to this seems to be – he sees his friends less while you find some hobbies that take up your time. That way you are both working together to get to a solution. I guess what bothers me about this situation is that he won’t compromise. If it were me, I’d wonder, what other issues will he refuse to compromise on down the road? How are you two ever going to resolve difficult conflicts if he’s so stubborn? You’re two different people so it’s inevitable that issues like this one will come up. Will he expect you to just do whatever he wants every time? If I were in your shoes I would have a serious conversation about the importance of compromise in a relationship.
Post # 4
@GirlWithARing: Thank you so much for your reply! I hope we are not at the point where we can’t get past this. I don’t know though. We are good about compromising on pretty much everything else.. The weird thing is he’s so simple and easy and usually will compromise on anything! So maybe I should give him this one since everything else kind of tends to “go my way” 🙂 The bad thing also is I think there is another root to this problem.. I do have tendencies towards jealousy and feeling inferior. This situation makes those feelings really burst out big time.
But, what drives me nuts is he plays the pity card of being an only child and these are like his brothers… oh puhleeze. It’s like he holds his friends up on this pedastal or something, it’s odd. I’ve never met anyone who values their friends like they are the only thing on Earth they have. I mean yes, friendships are very important don’t get me wrong, but this is to a level like I have never encountered before, but that could also be because I tend to be drawn to more withdrawn people more like myself.
Post # 5
You also have to see it as an energy thing. For social people, being aroung others energizes them, while being alone is very draining. For him to be away from his friends, it might make him feel bad.
Post # 6
Relationships are about compromise. He should back off the friend time a little bit, and you should find activities that fulfill you to fill up the extra time with. Meet each other halfway!
Post # 7
I definitely agree with mmsva – some people really need others to feed their own energy.
I think you have the right idea of taking a class or maybe plan a weekly dinner with your friends, even if it is just someone cooking at home. I recently moved out of state, but before I did, I would have about two nights a week I would make plans with my friends. I would try to make those work with whatever two nights a week my FI had something planned. This way we were each able to have our own hobbies, friends and interests. We would plan stuff to do together with friends or family a few times a month and occasionally I would go out with his friends or he would come out with mine.
Are you invited to go out with his guys, maybe not every time but occasionally? Could you plan some dinners or stuff with friends. I’m guessing you’re from Chicago which is where I’m from. There is so much going on there during the summer, I’m sure you guys can find stuff to do with friends that you will enjoy and would be a compromise. Don’t see just the extremes, he goes out every night or he comes home right after work as the only two options. There are other agreements you could come to, you just have to find something that works for both of you.
Post # 8
My DH is a homebody. I am more of the social one. We both accept that. Most of the time he is at home. That is where he wants to be. I go out with friends, take dance classes, etc. because that is what I want to do. Occasionally I am home with him and occasionally there are times when he goes out with me. We are not dependent on one another regarding how to spend our time. You don’t have to be dependent on your SO to do what you like to do. Now I must say, there are a few things we like to do together. I guess that is why it is no big deal when we do things apart.
If you’re happy to be at home doing your thing then I don’t see a problem. But, if you’re lonely because he isn’t at home with you, you have to 1) find things you enjoy as you suggested but he should be home with you at times 2) go out with him more doing things you both enjoy and what he enjoys 3) figure out if he is avoiding being at home with you (which I truly hope isn’t the case) and act accordingly.
Post # 9
I really think you should become more social. If you admit you’re a loner, then you must be. And it doesn’t seem you are happy that way. I think it’s unhealthy for you to need him to spend time with you just because you don’t have many hobbies or friends. Not trying to sound harsh, but it’s just good to have something to do other than just spending time alone, you know? I know this because I’ve been there. If he is not home most of the time, then that is not healthy either. He needs to find a balance, and so do you. Both of you being extreme I don’t think is good. You should be number one to him, and him to you. But you should have a 2, 3, 4, etc, you know?
I have a few couples who ONLY spends time with their spouse. It seems so twisted. When they are looking for friends, they don’t have any. Family is distant. If that’s how they want to live, thent hat’s cool, but I have always believed that we need more than just our spouses, we need FRIENDS and people to share our lives with. 🙂 Good luck.
Post # 10
I understand where you’re coming from. I’m a loner by nature. yes while I do have a few close girlfriends I spend time with, my social calander isn’t exactly bursting @ the seams.
I think the thing that bothered me in your post is that you feel like your #5. I’m sure that’s not the case or you wouldn’t be getting married 🙂 If I were in your shoes, I would tell my FI how I feel. I would also let him know you’re going to possibly make the effort to get out and do more things with your friends or just more stuff to grow on your own.
For me, I don’t believe in trying being something I’m not, ie a social butterfly, but I do make the effort to spend time with my friends without my SO. The SO and I have designated days of the week for friends, family and quality time for just us. This works for us. I’m not sure what will work for you two, but I hope you’re are able to find a happy medium that makes you both happy. Keep us posted.
Post # 11
I can understand where your coming with this one and can sympathise. My FI is busy every night of the week. With soccer and his band, he is only home with our DS and I a few ngihts a week and those nights he usully works late. He never goes out and drinks though.
But that said, I don’t really mind. I am kind of a ‘loner’ but I really enjoy my own company. FI can’t really stand being alone so he likes being busy, where as I like being alone and don’t pack my life. It took us a while to accept the way each other is, and now we have a real harmony.
Before we reached this harmony there were a few issues and I felt much the same you did, but we worked it all out by talking. He said he doesn’t do those things to get away from me he does them because he likes them. He also said he wanted me to be more social because he felt guilty leaving me behind. the girls who I work with are my best friends and then the rest of my time is spent with our son. So I don’t reallt feel like going out to be social, I’m just happy to be by myself. Being a ‘loner’ isn’t a bad thing if your happy.
Maybe you and you SO/FI need to sit down and just talk. At one stage I had the same attitude you do, if I be really busy then he will miss me- but I didn’t want to play games and I was happy with myself the way I was. Tell him the way you feel about being #5, maybe make one or two nights a week that you have a ‘date’ night or maybe ask him to include you when he goes out?
Post # 12
Thank you all so much for your replies. After reading everything and thinking over the weekend, I really do enjoy my own company. Plain and simple, I’d most often rather be alone than around people and that’s okay… different than him, but okay. I absolutely love to be out and about & see our good friends maybe once on the weekend and once during the week but that’s it.
He always invites me to come, I just feel kind of like an “outsider”. SO and I aren’t engaged yet and we live in his hometown, so all “our” friends are actually his friends that he’s grown up with and I’ve just known for 2 years. It’s tough for me to get emotionally close to the girls, knowing that if something did happen and SO and I broke up, they probably wouldn’t be in my life any longer. I know a ring shouldn’t matter, but I do think that when I have that sense of obvious security I will be better able to let my guard down and form more meaningful relationships with all of his/our friends.
Post # 13
You should also make your own friends and that should help.
Post # 14
@gocubbies: We had the exact same problem, he’s much more social than me. This is going to sound terrible, and I don’t mean it like it sounds, but I just get tired of people and need my “me time.” I had to sit down with him and spell it out like, I understand you love your friends but I feel like they come before me. I was in the same exact situation in college. He wanted to go out/hang out with them allllll the time and it was just draining on me. So, I would tell him how you’re feeling and say you know, maybe we could have a stay at home “date night” once or twice a week and maybe you could go out with him and his friends like once a week. I know you said neither of you are willing to compromise, but it makes it a lot easier. Find something you love to do the nights he is out, like a book or TV show, exercise, or whatever. I think your situation is fairly normal.