Post # 1
I wanted a small wedding for several reasons. Some of them being: I am not comfortable being the center of attention so the less people looking at me the better; It’s less expensive; The venue only holds 100 people; and mostly because I do not want my wedding to be a huge production where I am running around making sure I’m doing everything properly and catering to the needs of people I don’t really care for. I know that sounds horrible and rude and ungrateful but I just mean that I want to feel comfortable at my wedding, I want it to be personal and feel like my FI and I – and we are not ‘production’ kind of people – I don’t want to be worring about my future in-laws old friends from 20 years ago that I have never met.
So I had this great plan that I would limit the guests to 75 people. About 15 of that was immediate family and then my parents, my future in-laws and my FI and I would each get to invite 20 people. Fair, right? Well that was the plan, I told everyone about it and then I got guilted into inviting 130 people to the wedding. I was lulled into a false sense of security by people saying "Don’t worry, not everyone will come, it’s in Hawaii and it’s expensive and time-consuming to travel to and the economy is bad, people don’t have money". Well none of the invitees seem to have these issues. Nearly everyone is coming. So I’m already sad that the wedding is not going to be the initmate affair my FI and I pictured. But also what the heck am I going to do about the venue when I show up with 130 people to a place that holds 100?!
Anyway, this is just a vent to get it all out. Everytime I try to talk to someone about it, I just get back "don’t worry, it’ll all work itself out." I just feel very panicked and maybe just need someone to tell me something other than "don’t worry." Because that’s not working, it’s too late, I am already worried.
Also, please refrain from commenting if you are put off by my post. I am only looking for ideas or constructive support for what is a really distressing situation for me. I don’t need any further things to feel bad about.
Post # 3
I totally share your vision for the small wedding! We are struggling to keep our guest list down as well. We also got a request from my future in-laws to invite an old friend and his wife. My FI likely played golf with the guy. Maybe. Once. 10 years ago.
I also have a lot of people saying that they are coming to our more-local-but-still-destination-like wedding. But, I see that your wedding is still some months away. A lot can change between now and then. People may decide not to come once that RSVP card forces them to really make a decision about parting with their time/money/accrued vacation. I think a lot of my relatives are claiming they are going to come because they think that is what I want to hear. It’s possible people are telling you they are coming for the same reason. Also, they might think it sounds like a good idea. (Who wouldn’t want to go to Hawaii?) I think you will fund as it gets closer that more people stay home for practical reasons.
While you might not get the exact guest list you wanted, the number of guests will shrink to something that ismore manageable. Good luck!
Post # 4
Thanks Soon2BeMrsC. I know it’s still awhile away but people that were "surely not going to come so just send them an invite to be nice" have already booked flights. Part of the problem as well is that it’s the invites on my side that could potentially pull out. Not one person from my FI and his families list is the slightest put off that the wedding is across the ocean. So I’m also feeling like I am going to be putting on this big show for his family and their friends. I just feel like all of a sudden it’s everybody else’s party and not our wedding anymore. I need to stop thinking about it because I’m getting more and more upset as I write this. And then I get even more upset because I am upset about my wedding, and that really sucks. Sigh.
Post # 5
i;m the same, I planned for 50 people now there are 68 the venue can only hold 70; what if people bring more?
if I had to do it all over I would have invited family and old friends first and invited friends last
my FI says I stress too much not everyone will come; but man, now there are more people I want to invite I have known longer or I have stronger ties with but are not on the original list
we’re singing the wedding guestlist blues
the important thing is it’s our special day of love; I can’t have any more regrets and keep it below 70
good luck to you!
Post # 6
Wow I’d be upset too. Sometimes I feel like if one person ofr the couple wants things small because they have a small family etc. they might want to give a little because the other person might have a big family. But this is different. In your case I sense something strange. I can’t believe all of those people can (or are willing ) to spend that kind of money to go to Hawaii for your wedding. Are they getting some kind of hotel discount?
I would feel a little used. Are they looking to have a great big extended family vacation in Hawaii, with your wedding as a good excuse? What did your FIL say about the people who "weren’t going to come" who are infact coming? Moreover, who is paying for all of these people? I certainly hope it’s not you.
Where is your Fi in all of this? It sounds like you have been doing most of the battling.
I’m not sure if there’s much to do, at this point. Flights have been booked. Unless your FILs want to call these people and tell them there’s been a mistake and they will personally reimburse them for the flights. (Fat chance.) Hopefully some people will decline.
As for the venue with 100 ppl capacity. If you do really end up with 130, my guess is it wouldn’t be the first time they went over. Maybe your Fi can get his parents to call the nice people at the venue and have them hash it out.
Post # 7
Does your venue have outdoor space? Anyplace where people might overflow? Since it’s Hawaii you’re bound to have nice weather, right? 🙂
I think your feeling uncomfortable and that you’re putting on a show is quite normal, and would probably be happening to you no matter where your wedding was held. As my wedding drew nearer and people were making their plans to come from far and wide to attend, I felt guilty too about all the trouble and expense they were going to to come see me. But then I realized, they want to come. Your guests are the same. They want to go to Hawaii to see your wedding. They love you. It’s a hard thing to accept that others will do wonderful things for us while asking nothing in return, but it doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful if you relax and enjoy it. They want you to enjoy yourself and your day. I hope maybe that will assuage some of your anxiety.
Post # 8
I think you might be surprised at how many people will back out or not be able to make it at the last minute. Our "destination" wedding is in Wyoming (not nearly as far as Hawaii) and we also have a small venue that we cannot go over 80. We ended up inviting around 140 (WAY more than I wanted to b/c of his parents’ requests). (Yes, we invited his parents friends that I had never met and did not invite any of my cousins on my dad’s side…that’s fair, right? Anyway, that’s another story.)
As of February we were pretty freaked out b/c about 95 people told us they were "for sure" coming. Told us their "flights were booked" and their "hotels were reserved" and "there’s no way we’d miss it." Our venue would not hold that many people and we were considering changing it to a place we didn’t like as much to make sure everyone could be accommodated. Little by little as the time got closer, more and more people are backing out. The economy sucks, my friends are getting pregnant, the "strangers" don’t want to spend that much money to come to a wedding of people they don’t know. It’s all starting to work out.
I now have 2 more weeks before the final due date of our reply cards and we’re now closer to having 50 people. PERFECT!
Things change. Don’t worry yet. You’ve still got a lot of time.
Post # 9
I would say talk to your venue and let them know the situation. They want your business and are motivated to make solutions for you.
After you figure out the capacity issue, you can tweak the menu to stay in your budget.
Post # 10
Thanks all for your support. To answer some of your questions;
It kind of does feel like a big reunion for all them and I will just be wearing a white dress to it! 🙂 I mean obviously, his family loves him so they want to be there for his wedding. I guess it’s just, from what I have observed living in AU, that they do a lot of things because it’s the right thing to do by family or friends – regardless of how well you get along or if you even like them! So if someone has a wedding, you go. Whereas with my family, it’s more like "well we hardly ever see that Uncle and we really have nothing in common with them so why bother" At least I know my immediately family will be there.
My fiance is supportive but is a non worrier. He still just thinks everything will work out fine. He did offer during the guest list making time that we not invite people and if they say anything, he would say it was his call. Very sweet of him but I feel like the bride gets all the blame for anything having to do with the wedding, ya know?
Great ideas to talk to the vendors about overflow! I will be bringing this up with my coordinator next time we talk. Of course all I see is dollar signs flying by but if our parents (who are paying for the wedding) aren’t freaking about it, I prob shouldn’t either.
MissOMally – thank you for your story! I am hoping mine turns out the same way as yours!! 🙂
Cheers Girls, All your comments helped ease my worries a bit. (Although, I will prob have several more anxiety attacks before the wedding!)
Post # 11
we were in the same boat. it’s your wedding, you deserve to feel comfortable. there’s nothing bad about that!
Post # 12
How did your wedding go in the end, Aloweha? I am having similar worries with our wedding and the guest list. We too wanted a small wedding but my family is huge so it was impossible. I don’t really like being the centre of attention and we have lost contact with so many friends and family since moving countries that I felt I didn’t really want them to share my day, but felt obliged. My FI isn’t worried in the slightest about who is coming and who isn’t. Our list is around 20 people over the limit, so after reading these posts, I realise this could come down more, but still I worry! I hope your day was special in the end. It would be nice to hear of a happy ending or some tips for handling pre wedding stress and worries!:)