Post # 1
i am a regular here but I am hiding and not yet at the point where I can speak to anyone about this. Once I say it out loud, it all becomes real…
we are engaged. We have been for a while, but this past year he has changed. I’ve been with this man for 6 years and even though our relationship has never been perfect, we were happy despite the things I put up with. I would just try to block it all out and forget about it until just recently. He is verbally, emotionally abusing me. Physical- no he hasn’t punch me in the face or really hurt me but he HAS hurt me. He’s punch me in my knees , he’s thrown me off the bed, I was sitting on this Livingroom chair we have in Livingroom and he flipped the chair while holding onto the whole time. I still fell backwards and the chair hit the table, and then he shoved me in the closet and held the doors shut so I couldn’t get out. I am claustrophobic and he KNOWS that and that’s why he did it. I couldn’t get out I said please let me out, omg please let me out he wouldn’t open the doors then I almost lost it and started hyperventilating then he opened the doors. While he does things like this for the most part he acts like its funny, even though he’s Doing it while we are in the middle of a fight. He calls me horrible names. I’m an idiot, lazy , I don’t do anything right, he makes fun of my cooking, I never finish anything. He puts me down and makes me feel like I’m nothing. ALL of these things at NOT true ! I am a nurse, I work long days ! I clean the house everyday and deep clean on my days off which is twice a week! I take car of kids, do everything in the house that involves cleaning or the kids!
He goes into these “moods” where he will get mad about something stupid and then he’ll ignore me for weeks. He will not talk to me and if I try to talk to him he will tell me to shut up and get away then he would forget about whatever it was that made him mad and go back to the man I loved and everything would be fine! He would go through these moods a couple times of year but for the most part he would be normal, but now he has been acting like this for several months. I am leaving him. I’ve been in denial for so long. I thought I was going to marry him. I can’t put up with this for the rest of my life and don’t deserve it. I am finally at the point where I feel strong enough to do it. I know it will be hard but I have to do it.
I have to hide it from him that I am leaving. I am working on transferring jobs and finding a house to rent. In a complete different town. We don’t have kids TOGETHER. Individually we do though. I am saving money secretly in a savings account he doesn’t know about. I don’t know how to actually move my belongs out without him knowing or finding out. I am going to do it while he is at work but it would have to during the day. Idk how I can prevent the neighbors from seeing me… Last thing I need is for a neighbor to see me. Once I get the keys to my new house I will slowly gather things that aren’t visible like my baby pictures and important papers, holiday decor, shoes clothes Etc… Things that he doesn’t see on a daily. Everything else will have to be done in one trip. It’s not a lot. He is very spiteful and I know he would do something horrible to my stuff if I told him I was leaving. I am trying to move quickly because I can’t take much more of walking around on eggshells and trying to avoid him so he doesn’t say something to me.
If you ever left how did you do it? Did you have to keep it a secret? I am so numb but I am also thinking that I don’t know how I could ever trust someone again or love someone or even date for that matter! I know he will date immi like I never even mattered t him. Can you tell me your stories about maybe you met someone after heart ache? It’s crazy how I am scared and hurt but at same time I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I won’t have t put up with any of the things I’ve had t out up with, not just wit him but his mother and ex!!!!
Post # 2
I am so proud of you for this, and I don’t even know you personally. You and your children will be safer away from him. As for leaving, do you have a close friend or relative who you trust to help you move? That might make it easier.
I’ve never left anyone or had a bad breakup but I just wanted to tell you that you deserve better and you’re making a good decision.
Post # 3
I have a friend who was in a similar situation. She bought him some tickets to a concert out of town for his birthday and then moved out while he was there. It gave her enough time to get out, and she knew how long she had until he’d be home.
Post # 4
msbr : thank you. I was thinking about having a friend and her husband help me. I know they would if I asked. There’s heavy things that I won’t be able to carry myself. I just have to get to the part though. I haven’t talked to anyone about this…
Post # 5
rosecol0redglasses : Talking to someone might help. Find someone you trust.
Post # 6
You need to leave, this is the right choice. I would tell your familiy or a close friend though, and have an exit plan that involves them there to keep you safe. Maybe you can stay with someone now just to get out of there sooner? You can also call a personal security service to stand there and just keep you safe while you move out, just in case.
Post # 7
You are so strong. I applaud you for getting out. You got this mama.
You don’t need to do this alone. Call an advocate group, call the police. An officer can be with you when you remove your things. Call the national domestic abuse hotline.
Don’t put yourself in danger for stuff that can be replaced.
Post # 8
MelissainNC : that is a great idea, I think he would become suspicious if I did that Though because we aren’t even speaking. I haven’t even slept in our bed for a few weeks. He is going on a business trip in sept but it’s the end of sept and idk if I can wait that long ….
Post # 9
I’m so glad you saw the light and realised you do not have to put up with this! You are absolutely right to leave him and you are so brave! Definitely ask that friend and her husband to help – I know it may be hard to talk about it but having help would be a huge relief and make you safer. Your friend can then also give you ongoing support. Do you know your neighbours at all? If I was a neighbour and you told me what was going on I would definitely help and not rat you out. I don’t know if that would be an option.
In some places there are domestic violence services which may be able to offer you support. You could also ask the police to escort you – even if you don’t want to press charges they can ensure your safety. Finally, if it’s a choice between your belongings and your safety, choose safety! You can do this, we’re all on your side.
Post # 10
MelissainNC : that’s a really smart idea!
Post # 11
Do a Google search for movers+abused. There are a number of companies that will move you for free, quickly, to get you out of a situation as yours. I wish you the best of luck, healing, and happiness.
Post # 12
Please be careful, mama. He clearly has issues so the sooner you can get out of there the better. I am proud of you for taking back control of your life. Do you have people in your life that you can completely trust that will help you over the next few weeks? Also, if you are able to be sure never to put your location or make your location available on social media, etc because he may be able to locate you that way. Also, at your new job and at the children’s school are you able to use your middle name as your/there last name? Just trying to think of things to do to keep you safe from this bastard.
Post # 13
you are very courageous. how ever you do it, please be safe. and if he has children, please leave him when they are with their mother. you dont want him to be pissed off with the children present. and they are alone with him. they also need to be safe.
btw, he is probably bipolar. and needs serious treatment and medication.
Post # 14
Shoving you, locking you in a closet, flipping over the chiar you’re sitting in – all of that IS physical abuse.
And you already seem to have identified the emotiional abuse.
You are right to leave! How to do it? You’ve already got a good plan started! And yes, you need to keep it a secret. Abuse is based on control. If he thinks he’s loosing his control over you, he will lash out even more. Have a friend help you pack up in a couple of hours. Get a rental car if you need to. Have a place to go – moving to antoher town is a great idea!!! – and if possible try to choose a place that he doens’t have the address for. If he knows where your mom lives, you might not want to go to your mom’s.
Don’t tell the kids. They won’t be able to keep it a secret. I agree with PP – do it while the kids are with thier mother. Take them out of the equation.
If you need to contact local police for a restraining order – do it! If you need to take a day off work (maybe let him think you’re working when you’re really packing up the hourse) – do it! If you need to contact local domestic violence non-profits they will also help you physically pack up and they will provide security to prevent him from being violent.
Get out. Gent out now. Right now.
You cannot get away on your onw – ask for help!! Friends and family WILL help you!
Post # 15
I went through a similar experience as you. I was actually married a short time and his mood swings were out of this world. The verbal/emotional/physical all started too. Be strong. Get out. Ask your friends for help. I moved out on a weekend and he actually helped me pack but then begged me to stay ( he was very bizarre ). I’m a nurse too, and I think some men see us as being too nice and walk all over us. Get out and never look back. From all my reading and research it’s a serious mental illness and his mother *is* largely to blame for how he is as a man today. He will never change and you need a new start. If I could help you move I would. I now want to help every woman who suffers from men like this. It’s unreal what we women have to deal with sometimes.