(Closed) I’m leaving my FI…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I hope everything works out for both of you. I think you are making a wise decision to spend a couple of days away. From what you have stated, it seems like he is taking you for granted.

Post # 4
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

I think you are being so smart to set your boundaries. I am sorry for your pain, and I hope you figure everything out, I’ll pray for you.

Post # 5
Member
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Hate to hear that you’re going through this for real. Hope whatever the outcome, you’re happy with it. Love, unfortunately, does not always “conquer all”.

Post # 7
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

@Gingersnap:  Oh, big hugs to you.

As a PP said, it’s crucial that you establish boundaries. And it is OK. He needs to understand what is acceptable and unacceptable for you as a couple. He needs to know what is non-negotiable and hopefully this will inspire some changes in his behavior. (I know it makes him sound like a puppy here, but you get the idea).

Since we’re not all mind readers he may need to receive a clear message like this.  Take the time you need to figure out what you want.  Take a step back from the engagement if you must.  Make sure you’re not setting yourself for a lifetime of broken promises.

Best wishes to you.

 

Post # 8
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You said it was his birthday in another post and he wanted you to go out with him and you didn’t want to, so… I don’t understand why you’re so mad? He wanted you to go out with him for his birthday and you wanted to stay home and now it seems like you’re upset he didn’t choose to stay home with you on his birthday. From your other post about this and this one, it seems like you were ready to be mad at him from the get go no matter what he did.

Post # 9
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

My FI and I went through this kind of stuff before we were engaged. I get where you are coming from.

He said he’d be home for dinner by 8pm, the 9:30 would roll around and he hadn’t come  home or checked in.

He’d finally show up at 10/10:30 saying he “lost track of time” or he “couldn’t hear his phone” or “his boss was talking his ear off and wouldn’t let him leave”.

It took us a while to work through it (and we still have set backs) but we have discussed it a lot and found the root of the problem.

I used to get REALLY upset when he’d tell me he wouldn’t be home for dinner, so he started “softening the blow” by telling me he’d be home, even though he probably wouldn’t.

I’ve worked on my behavior where it doesn’t really matter to me anymore. We live together, we have dinner together a lot, if he wants a night out or has to work late, it is 100% fine with me, he just has to let me know so I don’t sit on the couch starving until 10pm.

Just a few weeks ago he admitted he still worries about me getting mad and he really is wanting to come home, but sometimes he just gets stuck (his boss is awkward AND a big talker so I understand). He’s now working on being more realistic with his estimates since I’m no longer getting upset every time he says he has to work late or is going out for a drink with the guys.

I think taking some space is good. He shouldn’t take you for granted and he should learn that honesty is the best policy, rather than trying to make you happy via text but not via his actions.

*hugs* to you, I know what this feels like.

Post # 10
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

Aww. Sending happy thoughts.

Post # 11
Member
3167 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@ohheavenlyday: i agree – it sounds like he was set up to fail in this instance.

OP, it’s good that you’re going to clear your mind and wait to make a rational decision. I’m a homebody while FH likes to go out. We do have a system to make outings work for us, but it’s all about compromise. You can’t get your way all the time and neither can he – if you guys can talk through this issue when you’re not as upset I think it will help a lot. Fighting all the time definitely seems like the deeper issue to me, though and I wish you the best of luck with that – no one should have to spend all their time fighting with their SO!

Post # 12
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

In the heat of the moment I know you might think you are 100% right, but I think when some time has passed you are going to feel like you overreacted. You’re upset because on his 21st birthday he wanted to stay out with his friends rather than sit on the couch and watch a movie with you? He can do that the other 364 nights of the year. On his birthday, you should be trying to have fun with him doing what makes him happy. Just try to cool down and cut him some slack as a birthday present.

Post # 13
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

@ohheavenlyday: I was thinking the same thing.

OP, you can’t tell him that you’re ok with him going out with his friends for his birthday while you stay home and then be mad at him for doing that. If you didn’t want him to go out to start, then you should have communicated that to him. Maybe you weren’t on the same page with him tonight.

Either way, it might be a good idea to take a step back and evaluate your relationship.

Post # 14
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Yeah, I have to say that from what you’ve written here and in the other post, it seems that you are being rather unfair to him.  He wanted you to come with him!  It isn’t like he just would rather not have seen you.  In your other post, I believe you said that you were encouraging him to go out with his friends, but after this post, it appears that you really didn’t want him to go out at all.

I would really think this decision over.  Not saying that you should stay or go, but you need to be sure that you are doing this for the right reasons.

Post # 15
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree with the posters who are saying it sounds like the guy just couldn’t win. I know you prefer to stay home, but it was his 21st Birthday! What guy really wants to leave his friends and fun behind to sit on a couch and watch a movie on his birthday? If I pulled a stunt like that my FI would be livid. I think maybe some time apart is a good thing.

Post # 16
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Sometimes it helps to take a few days away and clear your thoughts and get perspective on the issue. good luck with everything!

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