Post # 1
My SO is a groomsman in a wedding of his “bestfriend” and fiance. They got engaged a month after they met, primarily because they got pregnant within a week or two of meeting. I met the bride to be once and I tried to be nice and friendly towards her because most of the people at this BBQ we were at together she probably didn’t know and I had known a lot of them for years. She said to me:
“I don’t know anyone here”
me (trying to make her feel more comfortable/be friendly): “I don’t know a lot of the people here either”
she:”Oh, is he hiding you?” and laughed.
Am I overreacting? Was that rude or is that an okay topic to joke about with a stranger? It makes me feel insecure…like oh maybe he is hiding me. Why would this woman who has only known my SO for two weeks have an idea he is hiding me? He certainly doesn’t hide me from his family because we see his family for dinner and holidays about once a month and I think I’m pretty close to his parents. But I don’t hang out with his friends much. We’re just different people. His friends are like overgrown bros/frat boys and my friends are pretty mature and more serious than his friends (even though we are younger). I probably see his friends less than 10 times per year and I’m wondering if thats weird? What if he is hiding me? I feel fine with our arrangement but it seems like so many other couples our age (25 &27) try to do everything together. I have always been happy with a weekly girls night but now my friends are all in relationships and seem to arrive at our girls nights with their SOs and I’m wondering…what if what my SO & I are doing is too private and not public enough?
I always thought we did a good job of not neglecting our friends but maybe we are the ones who are doing something wrong?
Now I feel like I have to go to this wedding of a bride who thinks or at least jokes that my SO is hiding me. What gives?
1. Is it normal to not hang out with each others friends more than 5-10 times per year?
2. Do I have a right to be offended by that woman’s comment?
3. Does it seem like my SO is hiding me?
4. Should I bring this up with SO or will this be ridiculous or lead to an uneccesary argument?
5. Should couples in their mid-20s do most social engagements/hang outs together? Is it indicative of a problem if they/we don’t? We live together so see each other a lot but even before we lived together we did this.
Post # 2
chewy88: 1- I think you’re waaaay overreacting/overthinking. And 2- if you’ve know the BBQ people for years, why fib to her and say you didn’t know them? Why not introduce her around?
Post # 3
The most important thing to do is to not compare your relationship to anyone else’s. Before this comment, you were totally happy, right? So don’t let some random person’s joke bother you! Some couples do everything together, others like to have their separate lives. Do what works for you, and don’t worry about anyone else.
Post # 4
RedHeadKel: I wasn’t fibbing. I knew my So’s circle but the future groom had a lot of friends there from college and a couple parents wandering or what have you. I knew about 7 of the 18 or so people that were there.
Post # 5
Total overkill on your part.
Post # 6
Talk with your guy. When I first moved to the city my fi lived in (we were LD originally) we hung out every single day, usually from the time we were off til we went home to go to bed.
I love being with him but was going nuts bc I also need alone time and girl time. Turns out he felt the same exact way but didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
if only we had just talked about it from the beginning haha.
Post # 7
To address your questions:
1. Depends who you are and how you hang out with your own friends. I hang out with my boyfriends friends, and he with mine, all the time, we just tend to go together. But if, say, most of my friends were girly girls who wanted to go shopping and get pedicures, then that would probably be different. We tend to hang out at the same places and do the same things, so it is natural for us to all hang out together.
2. You’re free to be offended as you see fit. Should you? I don’t think so, she was nervous and was probably just trying to make conversation by making a joke. I’m super awkward in situations like that and have probably made stupid comments like that as well just out of nervousness.
3. No, if you had never met his friends, that would be one thing. People obviously know you’re a couple.
4. No, you should just drop it.
5. To each his/her own. What works for one relationship doesn’t necessarily work for others. My FI and I do most things together, that works for us, but there are plenty of couples that need much more time away from their SO to be sane. If you are happy having separate time with friends, then just be happy and don’t worry about it.
Post # 8
Maybe she and her bf had a argument about him hiding her earlier and it wasn’t really directed at you but, back at herself in a sarcastic way … It was strange but, based on their situation that is my assumption
Post # 9
You went from “Meh, no big deal.” to “Rocketing at twice light speed off to the overreaction universe.”<br /><br />It was an innocent comment. It sounds like she was trying to soften you up by cracking a joke that you took way, way, way wrong.
To answer your questions..
1. Depends on the friends. My husband doesn’t see most of his friends at all during the year. Literally zero. That’s the woes of living 1,200 miles away from them. We have very, very, very few friends (Read: Two) that we actually see from time to time and actually CONSIDER friends.
2. If you have to ask, the answer is no. Even if you didn’t take a one-way trip to Overreaction Island. She was trying to be friendly. This statement isn’t even something that you could be “offended” over. She didn’t call you a fat, ugly sow.
3. Hell if I know. I’m going to assume no, though.
4. It will spark an unnecessary argument. Let sleeping dogs lie.
5. Depends on the engagement. My husband attends most work functions alone. However, when our (Re-read: very tiny social circle) hold events, we attend together.
Post # 10
Are you upset about something else? It seems weird that you would think he’s hiding you when you live together. are you engaged or are you waiting for that?
I think you’re giving her random comment way too much power.
Post # 11
I think you’re overreacting. Completely.
Her comment was funny. You’ve been in the picture awhile and are in the same position of not knowing anyone.. The comment was dry and sarcastic.
I’d laugh at it, not have a meltdown. It sounds like you have issues in your relationship to take something like this so personally.
Post # 12
You are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over reacting.
Every couple has a different pace that works for them. Some people get along best by doing everything together with their SO and isolating themselves from their friends. Some people get along best by being independent and coming home to SO to tell the tales of their adventures. Most people are probably in the middle.
DO NOT bring this up with SO. He cannot cure you of insecurity. That’s not his job. Calm down, pull yourself together and take the man out to dinner. Then bask in your happy relationship.
Do what feels right for the two of you. There’s no one recipe for happiness. There is no “right” or “wrong” amount of time to spend together or apart. Don’t compare yourself with others. Their recipe won’t work for you anyway. You have to find your own.
Post # 13
Agreed, if the thought of him ‘hiding’ you hadn’t ocurred before, then it is probably more a function of her tapping into general feelings of insecurity and it’s more about you than what is or isn’t happening in your relationship. If you trust your SO and his family and friends know you enough (you see them perhaps every month or so), I wouldn’t think there is any worry. Sometimes in social situations people open their mouths and say crass things because they feel awkward or they feel the need to put someone else down.
Post # 14
1. Yes, totally normal. Heck we’re so busy, my friends are so busy *I* barely see them 5-10x a year
2. You can be offended by anything you want, but I think most people wouldn’t have given it a second thought.
3. Who knows, do you feel like he is? You said you knew most his friends there.
4. No its not worth bringin up and is absolutely ridiculous imo.
5. Only if they want to. I have some very good friends that my husband has NEVER come to hang out with when I see them.
Post # 15
chewy88: so you could have introduced her to the people you did know. And I honestly don’t think she was trying to be rude. I think she was just joking around. I’m not going to say that you’re overreacting, but maybe you are over thinking the situation. I’m totally guilty of doing that too.