Post # 1
Background: I know I have mentioned this before in my previous posts but just in case anyone needed details on the circumstances. We are both students and graduating in May. He will be starting a residency in July, which could take him out of state (we won’t know until February where he’s going). I have made it clear to him before we were dating that I will not live together until we’re married and I will not relocate unless we are engaged.
Last night I totally broke down to my SO and told him how I was feeling really insecure about our relationship. He keeps telling me to “just be patient” and to trust him but it is so hard with so much hanging in the balance. Part of me thinks he is waiting until he learns if he will have to relocate but after over 3 years of dating, I’m ready for the next step regardless.
He has several clinical rotations between October and March that are out of town, including a 6-week one in Africa. I am worried how my insecurity/resentment will impact our relationship on top of the strain of being apart for several months. I did mention that being engaged before he left for Africa would make things easier for me while he’s gone and he said, “I’m aware.” Even if we are engaged by this time, it will hamper his ability to participate in wedding planning.
After a LONG conversation last night we set a tentative wedding date of 11/02/13 and he made me promise that I would be patient and just hold out for a month without bringing it up (so basically I am being forced to implement Mr. Bee’s plan by my SO). After I agreed, he said that doesn’t mean that he will propose in a month and he won’t give me any details about when it’s happening because he wants me to be surprised. I know he has not purchased a ring yet because my mother’s ring that he will be using for trade-in value was still sitting on his coffee table this morning.
What do you ladies think? Does it sound like it’s going to happen soon?
I feel like everything is moving in that direction (we are making plans and have set a date) but as long as we aren’t engaged it just doesn’t feel “real.” I feel like I am getting mixed signals. Am I being unreasonable? I love my SO very much but why must he insist on torturing me? I don’t know why I can’t just stop acting like a crazy person and just enjoy our otherwise wonderful relationship. Ugh…
Post # 3
It sounds like it’s coming at least by the end of the year! I had a similar problem with my FI; I finally had to be really blunt and say “If we are going to get married by Sept. 2012, then we need to be engaged at minimum 1 year ahead of time because venues book up where we live over 1 year in advance. I do NOT want to get married in 2013.” I don’t think he had actually realized how the wedding planning shebang worked. Anyways, he proposed 2 weeks less than a year before we will marry.
Once I had a timeline from him, I didn’t bring up proposing until the month before he proposed because he made it seem like he was going to propose on a trip and then he didn’t so I was piiiiissed. Turned out he was working on having the ring made and it was taking longer than expected. So from future you to present you, just don’t say anything!! I would take a deep breath whenever I had the urge to say something and then-SO would say “are you ok?” and I would say “You don’t want me to talk about it.” and he knew. That worked pretty well.
Post # 4
@LaurenKK: Thank you so much for your input. I am glad that I am not the only person to be in their situation. I don’t really know couples IRL that planned their wedding before getting engaged. It is just strange to me because I am a very traditional kind of girl (hence the whole not moving in together bit). It’s encouraging to hear that it worked out in the end for you. I know just need to sit back and shut up but it’s so hard. I agree that you need at least a year in order to plan. He is the one that wants to have this big wedding (I’d be happy with a small ceremony, just the two of us and our immediate families).
It just feels to invalidating because he hasn’t told anyone in his family that we are planning and I can’t set a budget because we don’t know how much our families are willing to contribute (if anything). Oh this next month is not going to be easy.
Post # 5
@Sweetheartchic: We didn’t tell anyone we were planning either, so I wouldn’t worry about that. Well… I told my best friends, LOL.
I also refused to live together before getting engaged, but in the middle of our “timeline towards engagement” we moved in together after 6.5 years of dating! We got engaged 2 months after moving in together. FI said that living together for that 2 months really cemented his decision to get engaged, so it wouldn’t be the worst thing to do… But definitely only do it if you’re certain you will get engaged soon.
Post # 6
@LaurenKK: Thanks again! I don’t think I would consider moving in together unless we were at least engaged and even then it is questionable. I mostly feel that way because my SO knew like a year before we started dating that I would not live together without being married.. In other words he knew what he was getting himself into when he decided to start dating.
I think it’s one of those decisions that everyone should make for themselves. Most of my friends have chosen to live together before getting married but I personally just think it would be not the greatest situation for me. I would feel like I was auditioning, that’s way too much pressure.