I'm married, but I crave my ex.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Isnt there another option than settling for unhappiness? An affair is not the answer- that will just bring more pain. Add a divorce to that list of tragedies… THAT will hurt.

 

How about making yourself happy in your real, actual life? A therapist to help with depression, a new work out and healthy eating regimen to gain confidence  (you mention your old “happy, skinny self”), date nights or a vacay to jump start the (marital) sex life, a new goal to focus on instead of dwelling in a fanasty that WILL backfire.

 

I think you should face your issues and hurts instead of “escaping”. There is no escaping- make it better.

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Well, the first thing you do is to NOT contact your ex… but you’ve done that.
Do you plan on meeting up?

This has “going to wind up cheating” written all over it, whether you can see that or not is the root of some of your problems with the situation.

And BTW, you don’t need to settle into any unhappiness, ever – if you’re feeling off-kilter or like you can’t get back up on your feet, you need to find a new happy.

Seriously, if you are not now, please go to counseling – you are dealing with some VERY traumatic life events that REALLY need to be addressed by you, for you – no one else can help you make things better if you don’t take the first steps yourself.

Even a fling won’t help – it’s almost a given that cheating (emotional, physical, what have you) will make you feel much worse in the long run.

Post # 5
Hostess
9892 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@CravingChaos:  I think you need to see a counsellor.  The randomness of you wanting to smoke weed makes me feel like you’re trying to find a reason to go to Colorado.  You need to not see your ex.  You need to talk to your husband and a professional and get your feelings in the open. 

Smoking weed while an emotional basketcase – also a terrible idea, trust me.

Post # 6
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

If you do this, you will ruin any chance of happiness with your husband.

sounds like  youve had a rough year – don’t give up the good that you do have (even though you may not see it in the moment).

 

 

Post # 7
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

As an adult you have to toughen up and deal with it. You either leave your husband or work on your relationship through therapy. Cheating is just a cop out if you’re not planning on divorcing, you’re going to make the situation worse. I highly doubt anyone will agree with what you intend to do. Ignore the call by blocking his number or pressing the ignore button on your cellphone. 

Post # 8
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You have to learn to be happy in your circumstances – NO matter WHAT. I’m a firm believer in that we DO have control over our emotions (though our hormones tell us the opposite). Focus on what you CAN control and ignore the things that are out of your control. Your life currently isn’t in the best place so you crave a time when you were much more confident and in control. You need to realize that it’s not going to solve the problems you have right now. Life is about growing up. Your ex sounds like he’s good for sex but he is not going to provide you stability – which is what you NEED. Focus on making friends where you currently live and be centered around your family. Plan dates with your husband. learn to see him in a new light. 

Post # 9
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you need to get away, is a vacation a possibility?  Maybe some well deserved relaxation and time to have fun with one another without all the stress of life tugging you every which way. 

Post # 11
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I think you are depressed from going through the death of your dad and your miscarriage. You are looking for something familiar and comfortable, which your mind is telling you is your ex. 

Please get some counseling and/or meds because depression won’t go away on its own. I’ve made some shitty decisions because of it myself.  Your mind can play some big tricks on you.

 

Post # 12
Member
284 posts
Helper bee

Absolutely 100% do NOT go see your ex. You’re asking for trouble. Do not contact him again. Love is a choice, not an emotion, and you made your choice by taking your vows. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and open communication. I definitely second the counseling idea. You’re right, you do need to get back to “you”, but your life is now not just your own. You’ve pledged to love, honor, respect, cherish, and be faithful to your husband. Everything you do now needs to be considered in that context. Go to counseling, get yourself back together, and do whatever it takes to make your marriage work. Be honest and up front with your husband, especially about your sexual frustrations, and try verbally complementing him and thanking him for at least one thing every day. This will help you to actively recognize the good in your relationship.

I know that’s a lot of tough love. So I’ll add also that I’m very sorry to hear of all the troubles you’ve been through in the last few years. I’m so sorry for your losses, and I’m sorry that your first year of marriage has been less than ideal. I can’t pretend to know your pain, but you have my prayers. You sound like a tough cookie, though. I know you can get through this with the right tools. I’m rooting for you! <3

Post # 13
Member
1867 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You have so many things going on – the loss of your father (and it seems from your last reply, your only parent), your miscarriage, leaving your job, and on top of that being quite young to be dealing with all of these things.

Seeing your ex is not going to relieve all of this pain. I understand where you’re coming from in wanting to go back to how your life was back then, and how you were back then, but you can’t go back to that. If you are 22 and you haven’t been in touch with your ex since 2010, you were what, 18, maybe 19 when you broke up? You’ve grown up. You aren’t a teenager anymore, and a teenage relationship is not the same as an adult relationship. Your marriage takes work because it’s an adult relationship. You can’t use your ex from a teenage relationship as an escape from your marriage. It’s just going to cause more turmoil, for you and your husband.

Post # 14
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 You’re sabotaging yourself, and that’s a fairly common behavior when dealing with loss and depression. Right now, you can still come away from this clean, you haven’t actually DONE anything yet. See a therapist and start confronting the root cause of your unhappiness. None of your self destructive behavior will make you feel better. You’ll get a brief high, and then it’ll kick you further down. If you wait to deal with this, you’ll lose everything that matters. This is that moment of pulling yourself up and dealing with this like an adult. It sucks, and it gets worse before it gets better. But it CAN get better.

Post # 15
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@CravingChaos:  How’s this for a reason to stay away from him? YOU’RE FUCKEN MARRIED!! Good lord.  

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