Post # 1
I’m a regular poster here, but I dont want this linked to my account. My husband and I have been married over a year now, and it was the worst year of my life. Nothing was bad relationship wise, but when he was gone onbbusiness my dad died and it caused me to miscarry; we’d been trying since 2011. Since then our relationship hasnt been the same. I just feel so complacent. Then in comes the ex. My husband and I couldn’t be more different, he grounds me and I give him wings. My ex on the other hand, is the male version of me. We were together off and on for a year, but we were terrible for one another, we both craved stability but neither of us could give that to the other. The sex, on the other hand was fantastic. Sex with my husband is ok, I mean since ive been in a depression I havent had an orgasm and he really doesnt try to give me one. My ex and I, however, were like electric together, the chemistry was off the charts. He intuitively knew what I needed because he needed the same thing. In like a month, I was going to roadtrip to Colorado in route to Tennessee, I’m moving on from a job where urinalysis was a constant thing so i wanted to smoke weed for the first time. My ex is in Colorado, and I contacted him as we haven’t spoke since 2010. He wants to hang out.
The dilemma I have is finding a reason to make myself stay away from him. He represents the old me, a me that was happy, skinny, free. I am happy with my husband but its all of the crap that has happened to us I need to escape, and I want to get back to me. I forgot who I was in all of the turmoil, and in our growing and adapting to the changes, I’ve lost my roots. I get now what people mean by addiction, you can shoot heroin 5 years ago and shoot tomorrow because its always there, beckoning you, calling you. How do I ignore the call? How do I settle in my unhappiness? I don’t want a divorce or to leave my husband, I just want to escape reality and its pain for a bit.
Post # 3
Isnt there another option than settling for unhappiness? An affair is not the answer- that will just bring more pain. Add a divorce to that list of tragedies… THAT will hurt.
How about making yourself happy in your real, actual life? A therapist to help with depression, a new work out and healthy eating regimen to gain confidence (you mention your old “happy, skinny self”), date nights or a vacay to jump start the (marital) sex life, a new goal to focus on instead of dwelling in a fanasty that WILL backfire.
I think you should face your issues and hurts instead of “escaping”. There is no escaping- make it better.
Post # 4
Well, the first thing you do is to NOT contact your ex… but you’ve done that.
Do you plan on meeting up?
This has “going to wind up cheating” written all over it, whether you can see that or not is the root of some of your problems with the situation.
And BTW, you don’t need to settle into any unhappiness, ever – if you’re feeling off-kilter or like you can’t get back up on your feet, you need to find a new happy.
Seriously, if you are not now, please go to counseling – you are dealing with some VERY traumatic life events that REALLY need to be addressed by you, for you – no one else can help you make things better if you don’t take the first steps yourself.
Even a fling won’t help – it’s almost a given that cheating (emotional, physical, what have you) will make you feel much worse in the long run.
Post # 5
@CravingChaos: I think you need to see a counsellor. The randomness of you wanting to smoke weed makes me feel like you’re trying to find a reason to go to Colorado. You need to not see your ex. You need to talk to your husband and a professional and get your feelings in the open.
Smoking weed while an emotional basketcase – also a terrible idea, trust me.
Post # 6
If you do this, you will ruin any chance of happiness with your husband.
sounds like youve had a rough year – don’t give up the good that you do have (even though you may not see it in the moment).
Post # 7
As an adult you have to toughen up and deal with it. You either leave your husband or work on your relationship through therapy. Cheating is just a cop out if you’re not planning on divorcing, you’re going to make the situation worse. I highly doubt anyone will agree with what you intend to do. Ignore the call by blocking his number or pressing the ignore button on your cellphone.
Post # 8
You have to learn to be happy in your circumstances – NO matter WHAT. I’m a firm believer in that we DO have control over our emotions (though our hormones tell us the opposite). Focus on what you CAN control and ignore the things that are out of your control. Your life currently isn’t in the best place so you crave a time when you were much more confident and in control. You need to realize that it’s not going to solve the problems you have right now. Life is about growing up. Your ex sounds like he’s good for sex but he is not going to provide you stability – which is what you NEED. Focus on making friends where you currently live and be centered around your family. Plan dates with your husband. learn to see him in a new light.
Post # 9
If you need to get away, is a vacation a possibility? Maybe some well deserved relaxation and time to have fun with one another without all the stress of life tugging you every which way.
Post # 10
I’m going to counselling, and while it helps, I feel like my issues are more deep seated than just talking through them. My dad was a single parent, he raised me and my siblings by himself. He was my emotional touchstone when I felt myself wheeling out of control. Now he’s gone, he’ll never meet the grandchildren I can’t seem to have. I left my job because I was already having alot of problems there with my coworkers and the workplace climate, but all of the loss was the straw that broke the camels back. Since putting in my resignation the major depression has lifted to just unhappiness. I want my husband to have a more open relationship with me, but he is very very monogamous while im pro “hall pass”. Im only 22, and I just feel weary of being so young yet so old. I’m very in love with my husband, I just need to work on the fact that love is an action, it requires work. I crave lust because it is easy, and right now I need a break from work.
Post # 11
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I think you are depressed from going through the death of your dad and your miscarriage. You are looking for something familiar and comfortable, which your mind is telling you is your ex.
Please get some counseling and/or meds because depression won’t go away on its own. I’ve made some shitty decisions because of it myself. Your mind can play some big tricks on you.
Post # 12
Absolutely 100% do NOT go see your ex. You’re asking for trouble. Do not contact him again. Love is a choice, not an emotion, and you made your choice by taking your vows. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and open communication. I definitely second the counseling idea. You’re right, you do need to get back to “you”, but your life is now not just your own. You’ve pledged to love, honor, respect, cherish, and be faithful to your husband. Everything you do now needs to be considered in that context. Go to counseling, get yourself back together, and do whatever it takes to make your marriage work. Be honest and up front with your husband, especially about your sexual frustrations, and try verbally complementing him and thanking him for at least one thing every day. This will help you to actively recognize the good in your relationship.
I know that’s a lot of tough love. So I’ll add also that I’m very sorry to hear of all the troubles you’ve been through in the last few years. I’m so sorry for your losses, and I’m sorry that your first year of marriage has been less than ideal. I can’t pretend to know your pain, but you have my prayers. You sound like a tough cookie, though. I know you can get through this with the right tools. I’m rooting for you! <3
Post # 13
You have so many things going on – the loss of your father (and it seems from your last reply, your only parent), your miscarriage, leaving your job, and on top of that being quite young to be dealing with all of these things.
Seeing your ex is not going to relieve all of this pain. I understand where you’re coming from in wanting to go back to how your life was back then, and how you were back then, but you can’t go back to that. If you are 22 and you haven’t been in touch with your ex since 2010, you were what, 18, maybe 19 when you broke up? You’ve grown up. You aren’t a teenager anymore, and a teenage relationship is not the same as an adult relationship. Your marriage takes work because it’s an adult relationship. You can’t use your ex from a teenage relationship as an escape from your marriage. It’s just going to cause more turmoil, for you and your husband.
Post # 14
You’re sabotaging yourself, and that’s a fairly common behavior when dealing with loss and depression. Right now, you can still come away from this clean, you haven’t actually DONE anything yet. See a therapist and start confronting the root cause of your unhappiness. None of your self destructive behavior will make you feel better. You’ll get a brief high, and then it’ll kick you further down. If you wait to deal with this, you’ll lose everything that matters. This is that moment of pulling yourself up and dealing with this like an adult. It sucks, and it gets worse before it gets better. But it CAN get better.
Post # 15
@CravingChaos: How’s this for a reason to stay away from him? YOU’RE FUCKEN MARRIED!! Good lord.
Post # 16
@myluverbuny: we’ve taken a few, and had some fantastic times. But once we settle back into everyday life again, the unhappiness comes rushing back. I just doubt us. Ever since daddy passed, I just don’t feel how I felt. I have misplaced anger at him for not being there for my dads death, the funeral and the miscarriage, but he couldnt be. His work would only let him stay for so long, and my dads funeral was handled internationally. I miscarried the baby alone at home while he was still gone. I had to take myself to the hospital for the complications that came with it, and by the time he finally got back I’d been discharged. It’s not his fault at all for not being there, but it doesnt make it hurt less.