Post # 1
Wow, so they thought we were no longer together as he avoided talking about me around them (see some of my prev posts to figure out why) and then when visiting with them he accidentally mentioned my name.
His mother went PSYCHOTIC. She was screaming that I’m a murderer and that in these last years they have aged so much and she thinks she will die. And his dad said he was going to die too.
They actually said if he doesn’t stop seeing me that they will die within the next year or so and it’ll be all his and my fault, and what will happen to his sisters. The fucked up thing is that it’s an accurate prediction on their part. At least with his mother it’s about 90% accurate. I can actually see myself killing them – especially her – with the shock. She cries nonstop, doesn’t go to work, doesn’t eat and doesn’t sleep for days (sometimes weeks apparently) on end when she hears my name…
I don’t want to kill them! (sort of)! He’s in a pretty shitty space right now as you can imagine. I am just so effing over it to be honest. Can you imagine what would happen if we ever got engaged or they knew he sometimes stayed over? Or if we ever lived together? I think they would actually try and put a hit out on me or kill me or something. It’s bad enough I get prank calls from some random asian woman all the time asking to speak to “Tobin’s” mother (totally her, right? God, I have my own home not with my mother!!).
It’s so damn dramatic. How can I put my child through this with me? What might this women say to my child if she ever got access to her? What would you do Bees?
Post # 3
This sounds really full on and needs a lot of space at the moment. Best not to discuss it too much with your partner and try to enjoy the time you have together. Do you know what it is from their perspective is so wrong with you?!
Post # 4
Oh dear, sweetie, I am sending out hugs via the interwebs!
An Ex of mine’s mother called my mother and told my mom that she had to make me break up with her son because I was a Catholic whore who was trying to steal her nice Jewish son. The nice Jewish son was an Atheist long before I met him, but apparently it was all my fault. This little charade continued for five months then he broke up with me for reasons I am still not sure about (something blah, blah, being in different spaces, something) but inside I was like “Yeah, okay, and your mom hates me”
Mothers can be insane when it comes to their sons, but your FI seems to be sure he wants to be with you. Hopefully his mom will chill out once she realizes he isn’t caving.
Post # 5
It’s been like this for many years though, only the murdering threats came out recently. He’s nearly 29, I’m over 30. How can this be real?
They don’t like me because I’m white and have a child. They have never met me except once by accident. Wow, that was action packed 😉
It’s bizarre for sure. I avoid talking to him about it, it just makes me angry and offended.
Religion is another one that can turn really ugly quite fast. Some parents struggle with it.
You know as a mother I can understand wanting the best for your children. But I’ve got two degrees, a very senior well paying job, I own my own home, I raise my child alone, I am successful, not too hideous 😉 😉 and like to think I am rational and decent. I can be a bit hardass, but how would she know. They’ve never asked about me in all these years as my mere name mention causes some sort of allergic reaction resulting in hysteria.
Thanks for your thoughts Pia and Rubies 🙂
Post # 6
That’s incredibly sad.. really disturbing that such prejudice still exists. You are right that they don’t know you. Do you feel safe at the moment?
Post # 7
I feel so bad for you. It’s a really tough situation to be in. The things family can do to one another in the name of protecting someone from what is viewed as a horrible choice, is INSANE. My parents ran into some of the same things. I hope you both stay strong, and resist the urge to help her along… karma gets everyone in the end!
Post # 8
I remember your other post about something similar.
Just let them be. If they go berserk after hearing your name, that is their problem, not yours. Ask your bf not to mention this to you at all. This is just causing unnecessary stress to you when you can’t really do anything to rectify this situation. He should really train himself to listen from one ear and out the other.
If they feel like they are dying, just think of this as cutting their pain short. Why prolong it, right?
If the FMIL doesn’t want to eat or sleep or work, that’s also her loss. Her body is losing nutrition and she’s aging.
Nip this thing in the bud. Both of you get engaged/married and move on with your lives. Move States and don’t leave a forwarding address. Start your new lives together. Just. Do. It.
About you feeling that they will get a ‘hit on you’, I would take that very seriously and watch your back. That is entirely possible that they could harm you or your child. People do some insane things when they have lost their minds. If you feel afraid, make sure to find out what options you have available as a last minute resort.
Post # 9
My MIL our entire engagement told us I was killing her and my DH was killing her and putting her in her grave. My SIL also went into a fit that she was going to swallow a bottle of pills.
We had to completely remove ourselves from them, that kind of talk and behaviors from Adults is very toxic and unheathly. I know it sucks and hurts a lot but you have to block that kind of talk out. You and your FI need major space from them. People who talk like that want attention and have serious issues that THEY need to deal with and get help.
Post # 10
I haven’t read your previous posts (that I remember) but what ethnicity is your BF? His parents reaction seems VERY extreme. If his family feels that strongly about you and he is kind of appeasing you by keeping you a secret (even though not that well kept) you may want to consider backing off. My response would probably be different if you didn’t have a child. But since you do, do you really want to potentially expose her to his folks?
Post # 11
I don’t want to come off as rude, but I looked at your previous posts and you posted that you can’t have children even though you really want them, and yet you say you have a child?
Just wanted a little clarification… I’m really sorry about what you’re going through. People can be so hateful for no reason.
Post # 12
The best advice I can give to you is try to stay out of their way when they say things like that, don’t let it get between you and your SO, and communicate with him! My mother and grandmother threatened to kill themselves when DH and I got engaged because I wanted my stepfather to walk me down the aisle (my biological father died when I was 13). They’re very controlling people and were afraid of losing me (though they love my DH) and that can be very toxic. I’ve thought about when we have children (my mother is bipolar/borderline and is VERY prone to either angry or sad outbursts) and this is something I know will have to be dealt with. The best thing I can tell you is to talk, talk, talk with your SO about what you’d do in certain situations and above all, protect the relationship (and any future children).
Post # 13
At this point it’s best not to focus on them. Your fiance/boyfriend/husband shouldn’t avoid saying your name when he sees his parents- that’s a wuss move. A simple, Mom and Dad- this is how it is and if you can’t handle it I’ll come around less will suffice. He needs to put his foot down and not play the game. If he’s allowing his mother to go psychotic he’s the problem. And if he’s genuinely standing up for you and not taking any of their b.s. (which is obvious from your post he’s not- he’s not mentioning your name) he should separate himself.
Post # 14
“I will die if you don’t do as I please” is a pretty nasty form of emotional blackmailing. Your SO has to work this out with his parents. My mom used to resort to this sometimes when I was a teenager, because she didn’t know how to handle conflicts well. Even though I went on to live my life the way I thought was right, she never had the heart attack she was forecasting.
I’m sorry that you are in the middle of all this drama, but there really isn’t much you can do. Your SO has to put on his big boy pants and stand up to his parents. Easier said than done, I know! The guilt trip is a pretty powerful weapon. One thing that helps a bit is to keep in mind that this is the adult equivalent of a toddler tantrum.
Post # 15
Sounds like time to move, change phone numbers and detach!
Post # 16
Oh that’s not rude at all. I can see why that is confusing. -. I can’t have more without surgery to fix something. I had one when I was younger. My miracle baby :). Even the dr doesn’t know how she happened.
He is Chinese. They have lived here for 35 years though.
Thanks for all the advice bees. It’s quite horrifying how common it is for people to resort to full on threats like this. Thank you for sharing your stories xx
I agree with the person who said not mentioning me is wussing out and he needs to put his foot down. He will disagree with them but to me that is just a pathetic cop out compared to telling it like it is and shutting all this drama down.