- 5 years ago
So I have been with my boyfriend for…….10 years. Yes, you’ve read right, 10 years.
We started dating really young which is partly the reason I never mentioned anything to him regarding my feelings and I have now turned 27 and he is 28, so we are not young at all anymore.
I always wanted some kind of a commitment from him.. but I knew that mentioning marriage, wedding, kids would not be smart. I never wanted to put any kind of pressure on him. All this time I pretended not to care or to be all whatever about it. I feel like I have made a terrible mistake by taking this approach. He knows that I want to have my first child at 30 or around then and I thought things would naturally be progressing now but they are not.
So for 10 damn years, I said nothing. We talked about it… we STILL talk about it a lot.. its usually (or was until recently) him that mentions it. He would cuddle me and tell me he loves me and how he is going to marry me. He would say how he knows that I am the one for him and how he has never met anyone like me to make him second guess it. We have talked about how many children we want, how we will spend our money, how we will raise our children, basically EVERYTHING.
Well we have been saving for the past few years to buy a house and as we both had to finish our degrees and get stable jobs the saving took some time. He would suggest we rent a place together.. but i declined it.. not because I am against rent, but because i secretly wanted some kind of a commitment from him.. perhaps in this process I screwed myself. I cingged on to the fact that he wouldnt really make such a huge purchase with someone who he wasnt thinking about spending his life with.
However, recently I feel like I really just would rather like to get engaged. I am feeling anxious and panicy and angry with myself that I have let this go on for so long… that I have invested so much time with this person and that he is still only my boyfriend. Some events have taken place where this has been thrown in my face by complete strangers and its made me think about it and question things even more.
I have spoken to him about these events. I have expressed my dissatisfactio at the fact that our relationship isnt progressing. Its funny how after each of these discussions you feel like you should have said something else, added something else and then you really want to have one of thhose disucssions again and you have to stop yourself before you turn into one of THOSE WOMEN you never wanted to become.
I had a disucssion with a woman about buying a house and about how if you really want to get married you shouldnt buy a house first. I told him about this discussion today and he said” I think it depends on the guy, in most cases I would agree with her but that is only because most men tend to be like that. If i had a daughter I think i would advise her the same”
Anyway, we are now ready to buy a house and I am completely at loss what to do. Do i Need to bring this up again .. do I tell him I changed my mind? It absolutely infuriates me that I need to be having any kind of discussions with him and it has started to make me really really depressed lately. Its making me become a teary mess, a very emotional person and I feel like if I push too much and he does propose it will be because I made him and I dont want that.
It angers me that I am starting to become bitter and that this is preoccupying my mind. He tells me he loves me all the time and I genuinely believe he does but I am at a loss at what to do!
Do we buy a house and then I wait?
Is he going to make me wait a really long time after we buy a house?
I think during the last 2-3 weeks he has realized that I am starting to think about it more.
I dont know. I feel like I have just believed in a particular thing and then recently found out its all been a big fat lie.