(Closed) I'm new and I need some advice urgently.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3059 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

If you are not sure you’re in the same page then I would advise against buying a house with him. 

Can you have a calm conversation and find out what his goals, plans and expectations are? You do not have to sit quietly and let him make all the plans– this is your life, too. I also think you should look deep inside and make sure this is what you want and not just what is comfortable. 


Post # 4
1222 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I know how you feel. I think you just have to sit down and really explain exactly how you feel. I flat out told my bf (of 7 years) that I will not buy a house with him until I’m married. I think you have to tell him what you want in clear terms so that he knows what needs to happen before you buy a house. If you feel strongly about it, don’t buy the house until you know what his thoughts are.

Post # 7
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I actually think living together first is good, but I would not advise you to buy a house with him

Living together can be a huge adjustment, and issues you never knew were there could pop up. Personally I would feel better renting first, even if it’s just for a short time. My friend and her bf have been together 6 years and their whole relationship turned to shit when they moved in together. She didn’t want to be at home, they were fighting all the time, she had to be drunk to want to be near him.. Not good. On the other hand, fh and I have been together 5 years but moved in after 6 months. It wasn’t bad, there were some small issues, but nothing like that. I just think it’s better to rent first, just in case living together is a huge adjustment, you don’t want to have to worry about motgage payments on top of that.

As for the wedding talk, i’d let him know exactly what you want. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want from the relationship, or how you’re feeling. 10 years is a long time and if you want to have children at 30 and be married, he needs to know that’s how you want to do things.

You seem to want the commitment more than anything, have you discussed the possibility of having a long engagement? Then you’d get what you want, but at the same time you’re not making him move faster than he wants to.

Post # 8
218 posts
Helper bee

@Lolita111:  I understand why you feel it is unfair to change your mind… But it’s unfair of him to have waited this long. After this long, why does he want to buy the house first? If you really want this, don’t buy the house. If he is just one of those guys who just needs a push, that will be the push. If he really doesn’t want to get married, you don’t want to find out after the house is purchased.

you aren’t being unreasonable, stick to your guns. 

Post # 9
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would also advise you not to buy a house together. That is a huge can of worms that shouldn’t be opened until you have an actual commitment from him.

Post # 10
36 posts
  • Wedding: April 2012

I really think that it’s all  seems to be about whathe wants,…and he is quite comfortable with it being that ways for a long time..It might be good to get a little counselling, so that when you have the talk about marriage and what you want,and need it’s coming from a place of confidence,..not from how you are feeling now, very insecure..Seriously, you’ve waited long enough.

Post # 11
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I might have missed it but do you guys live together now?  I had a friend that lived with her Boyfriend or Best Friend, they bought a house, then a week later, he proposed to her.

Darling Husband lived with his first gf….they dated a few years and then SHE bought a place. He moved in, paid her rent and when they broke up, she had a hard time paying her mortgage and sold it.  He told her all the time he wasn’t the marrying kind but she didn’t believe him…thinking she’d change his mind.  He was in a couple of other relationships like this…he just didn’t have the guts to tell them he didn’t want to marry them.

Sooo….based on my DH’s past and most every guy I’ve ever known, they don’t take the decision to marry someone lightly.  If your SO has talked with you about it and said he wants to marry YOU, then trust him.  

I personally wouldn’t want to buy a house with someone w/o a major commitment but I’ve been through a divorce and even if you aren’t married but your name is on the mortgage, that is essentially what it is.  

I would be 100% honest with him and tell him that you don’t want that financial responsiblity w/o the commitment.  He’s mentioned marriage to you, he wants to marry you and NO, I don’t think you are forcing him into proposing after 10 years by telling him that.  That’s just my opinion…..

Post # 12
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

@Lolita111: “It absolutely infuriates me that I need to be having any kind of discussions with him and it has started to make me really really depressed lately.” Girl, let me spell it out to you. Many guys are dumb when it come to this sort of stuff. He’s obviously committed to you and sees that you are to him so in his eyes its all good. He isnt getting the hints you’re dropping and judging from you your actions and words you’re fine with the way things are going.

If you are this upset over the thought if buying a house without being engaged do you really think it will get better AFTER you buy the house and arent engaged? NO. So just bring up that you want to be engaged (or married, or have a date set, whatever puts you at ease) before you start looking for a house. Be firm but dont get all emotional or angry; just state that you’re feelings have unexpectedly changed and you’d be more comfortable if you were actively moving forward. No signing a mortgage until you’ve signed something else (venue contract, marriage license, insert whatever) And you bringing this up isnt making him propose; plenty of guys have this conversation and then do nothing for years. If he wants to get engaged he’ll move forward, if he doesnt want to he’ll drag his feet.

Post # 13
84 posts
Worker bee

i think id have to go with the majority here to not buy a house with him. after 10 years you should feel comfortable enough to have a serious talk about your future together. don’t be scared that he will run away, you would think that your 10 year relationship would be strong enough.

Post # 14
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@texasbee:  “I would be 100% honest with him and tell him that you don’t want that financial responsiblity w/o the commitment.” 


THIS. Talk to him. Don’t make the same mistakes I did and have many teary, irrational attempts at talking; try and straighten your feelings out on the issue and then talk in a calm and rational manner. Good luck!


P.S. texasbee – you must be quite impressive to change your DH’s mind about getting married! =)

Post # 15
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

So I was with hubby for 8 yrs before we got married. 

I am not sure what the law is like in the states – but here in the UK if you are not married you have very few rights when it comes to things like shared property. If you are considering marrying and buying a house with this man, could you frame your discussion from that stand point.

e.g. having a discussion regarding buying a house together and talking through all the ‘boring’ ‘unromantic’ legal details.

Before hubby and I moved in together we had a really long conversation about what would happen if we split. We did the same before we started renovating our house – as we weren’t married (and it was his house) I wasn’t prepared to put my money into any thing that wasn’t moveable.

Talking this way might show that you are not some crazy girl who wants a big wedding, but more than you are thinking sensibly about your future.

Post # 16
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

1. If you buy the house, have both names on registeration documents or whatever they have in the U.S. See a property lawyer etc and talk to them about the situation – not with him, on your own so that you know your rights.

2. Maybe, as other girls have suggested, rent together before you buy. It is easier to end a tenancy than sell a house, esp. in a poor market.

But you should definitely think about moving in with him – maybe your refusal to move in with him is maybe giving him mixed signals.

3. Talk to him. Be frank. It’s not nagging if it isn’t all the time, and you have valid reasons. Back up your argument with logical points so that he knows you really want it.

Good luck!!


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