Post # 1
Hi, my name is Melanie, and obviously, I’m new. I’ve been patrolling the waiting boards for a while and decided I needed to post something of my own.
I love my Boyfriend or Best Friend more than anything in the world. We’ve been together for 3 years and have been living together for almost a year. We’re both 24. We’ve talked about marriage and he always tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He’s asked me what I want in terms of an engagement ring. We’ve talked about that a lot too. But as far as I can tell, he’s made no effort to look at one. He hasn’t asked my friends. My friends have sent him emails with specific pictures, and he hasn’t responded. We are tight on money because I’m in school, and I can’t find a part time job to work around that, so I thought maybe that was the reason. However, every time he gets some extra cash, he spends it on his hobby or talks about what he’d like to buy for his hobby. I understand that he pays for the bills and such, and I should be happy with that, but whenever I offer to pay for a bill he gets upset. I think that paying for a few bills when I can frees up some money to save for our future.
I guess I haven’t really expressed this to him for fear of upsetting him. I also don’t want to pressure him. Sometimes, like now, I wish we hadn’t moved in together. I feel like he already has everything he wants in a marriage without the commitment. I don’t know. Maybe I should propose to him, but I feel like I might ruin any plans he may have if I do that. Also, I would like to be shown some love, rather than just told. Thoughts?
Post # 3
What do you mean you’d like to be shown love rather than told?
I don’t think you can push an engagement. He’ll be ready when he’s ready, so I’d just go on with normal life and not think about it. Why is it important to you to get engaged right now?
Post # 4
I’m sorry, I should have clarified. What I mean by being shown love is that he tells me he loves me all the time. But I guess I’m not feeling all the love he’s giving. Things have died out. I don’t feel the romance. No flowers, no cards, not even less material things like doing extra chores for me without asking. I guess I’m being selfish, but I feel like we’re to a dead end. I just want him to ask me to marry him. I don’t even need a ring. I’m doubting I suppose. I have too much time on my hands so I think about it too much. I do that with everything though, not just our relationship. Thank you for the advice to go about my normal life. I’ve just called up a friend and made plans with her for later in the week. I need some girl time!
Post # 5
Well, if it helps any, you are certainly not alone in your problem. But the only way to address it is to have a good, old-fashioned heart to heart with him. And you need to get over your fear of confronting him or upsetting him. As a married couple, you guys will be faced with challenging topics ALL THE TIME, so now is a good time to practice open and honest communication!
Start with telling him that you see the two of you getting married in the very near future and that you are ready to plan a wedding and get married. Ask him how he sees the future. Does he see you guys getting married next year? In the next five years? This will really help you ease your anxiety because you will know what he is thinking. At the same time, it will force you guys to have an honest discussion on your future life together and get on the same page. Good luck! I hope this helped!
Post # 6
read the book “the five love languages” together. That will help each of you find out how you like to be loved.
Post # 7
I’m confused as to why you are so eager to get married if you’re unhappy with some aspects of the relationship. After he proposes, the issues with showing vs. not showing love won’t go away. I think you need to get to a place where you’re happy with your relationship first.
Once you’re there, I think you should have a conversation about the future. Not nagging him, but just seeing where he stands and telling him where you stand. I think moving in too soon might be part of why he’s not proposing, but also it’s likely that he’s young and on a different timeline. A conversation about your mutual expectations can help you come to a compromise.
Post # 8
I agree with GirlwithaRing – when you get married, all of the issues you had before as a couple definitely don’t magically go away. If anything, they amplify. I think you need to have a good conversation with your guy and tell him how you’re feeling. Let him know that it’s not an attack against him, but this is how you’re feeling in the relationship at the moment, and you need him to be more loving towards you. Even if it’s doing little things like helping out around the house or just appreciating what you do more. But…it sort of sounds as if you’re more focused on the idea of getting engaged rather than getting engaged b/c you want to spend the rest of your life with the man and the relationship that makes you happy. Take a step back and make sure your relationship is where you want it to be before you start asking where the proposal is.
Post # 9
I think he likes talking about the idea of getting married in abstract but to be honest I’m not sure if he’s ready. Find if its something he really wants and if he does see if you can gauge a timeline. You’re nor pressuring you just want some predictability in your life.
You wont want to be getting your head wrapped around the idea of marriage, when he isn’t planning to do so for the next couple of years. Talk to him, and you can do this without putting pressure on him.
But dont propose! If he isn’t ready you can’t make him, it would just be awkward and heartbreaking
Post # 10
Thanks for all the advice! We had a talk about 5 hours ago before I went to class. Everything is sorted out. And neither of us ended up feeling bad. I guess maybe I was overexaggerating. And I was letting pressure to be engaged from people around me get to me. I started seeing him as a bad boyfriend and unloving because he hasn’t proposed yet, when that isn’t the case at all. I was listening to everyone else instead of listening to myself. Thanks again ladies!
Post # 11
Be careful about listening to others. They only hear what happens in the relationship (ie what you tell them and what they see when you two are together). When you’re venting, it might only the bad parts and then they’ll think he’s bad and you shouldn’t be with him. They don’t see what the relationship is really is all about. They don’t see the reasons why you loved him in the first place. (I could be wrong, it’s just my experience with this subject is where I’m coming from)
I’m glad you talked to him. I would have given you the same advice that these lovely ladies gave you! Wish you luck and really, getting the proposal can be (not always, he might need that lil push) but it can be like getting into a relationship. If you stop looking or it, it will come. But again, it’s not always the case. I hope it helps…..