I\'m new and need some advice please

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Hostess
9892 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oceanfan:  If he told people he was going to propose to you while you were on vacation and then he didn’t that puts you in a weird spot.

I think you need to have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel about all of this.  It sounds like he’s stringing you along.  Perhaps he really does want to marry you, but you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to stay no matter what. 

I was waiting a really long time, but I knew I wasn’t leaving so I never threatened to.  I explained to then FI how important it was to me and for the reasons it was important.  He agreed and understood why I was getting antsy.  But again, I knew I wasn’t leaving, I can’t imagine my life without him so I just kept waiting.

We’re now happily married – 3 months – and our 10 year couple anniversary is on Halloween (I made him promise I can still celebrate that one)

Post # 3
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would talk to him about a more serious deadline about when you see yourself getting married.  If it is by next year, I would hope that you get your proposal within this calendar year.

But this is what I did… I was hoping to get married next fall, and my SO was thinking more like Spring 2016.  So I sat him down and asked, how much do you think you can have saved by next fall?  I brought how much I would have, he brought up how much he would have… and we set a budget for the wedding.  Neither of us are concerned with a large extravagent wedding.  In fact, we both want an intimate wedding.  We also talked about WHERE we want to get married (domestic destination), and from that we chose a more specific month based on climate/tourist season. We both agreed, taking into accoutn the budget, we could get married by next September in Maine.  

To make him feel comfortable about a budget too, it helps to look things up in advance 😉  At least in my case.  I had to show him an affordable venue, the food menu/prices, and all the added costs, and he was ecstatic.

Now, I know he custom-ordered my ring, so it’s on its way, but you may want to discuss with your SO how much time you would like to plan your wedding.  This is KEY.  It give him a rough deadline as to when to propose to you.

I know not everyone will agree with me, but this approach worked well for me and my SO.  My SO is a procrastinator, and I’m a planner (and very good at making a case).  The above scenario describes our relationship dynamics.

I would suggest feeling out the waters first… talk about budget and how much you can save.  Maybe even bring up a good time of year to get married. “I’ve always wanted to get married in October.  I just love the weather around here so much, and the falling leaves are so beautiful.”  And DO bring up how much time you want to plan no matter what, even if you don’t talk about budget.  It will be a hint to him that he has a timeline if HE wants to get married next year.

Post # 4
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

I think this is a problem that could be solved by communication. Calmly (not accusatory, not defensive, not hurt) sit down and say “Bob, I love and and want to spend my life with you. You’ve been talking about ‘our wedding’ and proposing for X months now, but we haven’t actually made any plans. How do you see the future looking for us?” Either he intends to propose and is waiting for the right moment, he’s stringing you along, or he thinks the wedding talk “counts” as a proposal and didn’t realize he needed a ring. Regardless of which it is, there’s no way to find out without talking about it.

Post # 5
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Oceanfan:  All I can offer is:  actions speak louder than words.

 

I was in a relationship where there was SO much talk (not about marriage, but about other VERY doable things)– and nothing every changed.  Six years, and I was still hearing the same words, but no action.

I’m married now– and all I can really tell you is:  my husband and I talked about getting married, and his actions showed he really meant it.  When we got serious about getting engaged, it wasn’t more than about a month until he proposed with a ring.  

Even if money is tight, there are beautiful, inexpensive engaged rings.  A proposal would show he was serious- and then after that, you guys can sit down and realistically create a budget for the actual wedding.

 

I’m not going to tell you to leave him, all I am saying is:  the bottom line is ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
2791 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

This sounds just like my guy. He did it eventually on his own.  I think you just have to be patient. If you’re not planning on having a big wedding or anything like that… then you don’t really have any tim constraints. Make sure to find out what he thinks of the ‘big day’ because him and his family might be planning on a big wedding? Better make sure his expextations and share yours!

Post # 8
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

amberback:  +1

Oceanfan:  If you don’t need/want a ring or a big wedding… TELL HIM.  See what page he’s on.  Would he consider a courthouse marriage?  You both need to talk about what you want and expect.  This is key.

Post # 9
Member
3661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Make it clear to him that you don’t need all the frills of a fancy proposal and wedding. I think these days there is a lot of pressure to make a big surprising proposal with a huge rock, which leads a lot of guys to drag their feet planning or saving for a ring. Make sure that he knows you don’t expect that, I told my guy the same things, but he never really believed me that I didn’t want that stuff, I had to convince him, he thought all girls wanted elaborate proposals and princess weddings. 

Post # 10
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

ShhhItsaSecret:  It’s true!  My SO thought I wanted to spend all this money and get married within 6 months…. I had no idea where that came from.  So after I cleared up what I wanted, he started looking for rings!

Post # 11
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Oceanfan:  I got engaged back in 2001 and my fiance at the time came to my house at midnight the night before with cold feet and changed his mind.  We didnt get married and I was never more hurt and emaraased in my whole life.  If he’s dragging his feet then maybe he’s not 100% ready and you want him to be 100% ready so my advice to you is to keep trying to be patient.  You may be too caught up with the excitment of the idea of a wedding if you want an actual date already that maybe youre forgetting about the big picture.  Whats the big rush anyway?

Post # 13
Member
9 posts
Newbee

I’m going to share my 2 cents for whatever it is worth. I truly empathize with this situation of stringing along.

In an ideal world of course he proposes prior to this since that is what you want for this relationship. I also suggest counseling to explore some of the communication issues because in my opinion this is no small thing. Minus the baby, I could have written a lot of the above that you wrote. My bf (or ex-bf) wasn’t sure about a big wedding (which i didn’t want either, he knew this, this was really just one more excuse) so we addressed that, then it was about how expensive children are (even though we both agreed for years on our general timeline, expenses, etc. for house/children), then he would mention something like..oh at this particular time it would be better to get engaged, I have a great plan, in 2 months (this would pass), 2 weeks (this would pass), next weekend (you know how this went).

I think everyone sees where I’m going with this. I left almost exactly a month ago after over 8 years together and all the lovely promises in the world, and have nothing to show for it. He had the ring, promised engagement coming soon, kids soon to follow, buying a house, how exciting this all would be, I am the only woman he could marry, etc….(had a ring that he kept in the house, so this wasn’t about $$). And yet, here I am, not engaged or even close. He did not have a good handle on his own issues or maybe I was not the one, those matter less to me than a man did not come clean and deal in an honest way with the situation (I suspect there are thousands of ladies out there who have been in similar situations). So while not uncommon, still impactful and really hard to process. I’m an honest person, if someone said to me tomorrow they wanted something from me by X date: I would either do it by then, or give a timeframe that worked…or kindly let them know I just can’t give them what they want.

For me right now I consider it a blessing. You are in a different situation but what I would say to you and others is that everyone’s situation is totally different, we cannot compare. You know what feels right to you, you are having his baby now, you are in a loving relationship, this is not some minor issue to work out as you do not want to have tension right before one of the most wonderful and challenging life experiences. I am thinking of you and hope it all works out wonderfully, but listen to yourself, speak up and consider working with an outside therapist to help you navigate this so you can move forward. I stress that your situation is quite different and I think you two can and will work through this, but please make sure he follows words up with action. This is important now times 2.

Post # 15
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

Eventho I think he’s stringing you along, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt… you need to ask him how long he thinks engagements are, how long between getting engaged and the actual wedding? Seriously, guys just think they put a ring on your finger and BAM! a couple months later is the wedding. They have NO concept of how much work goes into planning a wedding, they don’t know it normally takes 6months+ of work to create that beautiful day. They also fail to have a grasp on actual costs of the wedding or engagement rings, most men I know would answer “it costs A LOT!”

So sit him down and make sure he understands timelines and realistic costs so you can draft out a plan. Try to agree on a wedding month so then you can make him understand that he needs to propose at least X-amount of months beforehand so that you can plan the wedding. This is your life too and you deserve a say in what happens!

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