Post # 1
My fiance’s sister is getting married one week before we are(it was planned this way). She (and her fiance) are in our wedding party. I am not in hers – though my fiance is. I am hurt that I’m not a part of her bridal party because we have been friends for a long time and I’m already feeling left out of her big day. I probably won’t get to be in the wedding photos, I won’t get to sit with my guy at dinner…I think she is doing this because she is mad at us for getting engaged after she did (my guy had plans to propose for a long time – it’s just that they did it one month before we did..) and this is her slap in the face for me.
I’m really upset and really hurt and I don’t feel like I can talk to her because I don’t want to cause any trouble. I know it’s her bridal party is HER choice, but I’m really sad that she didn’t chose to have me a part of it. I felt like we had a good relationship before the engagements, but now I feel like she is resentful and everything is a competition with these weddings.
I feel like I have to be completely silent in this whole matter – my fiance’s parents MUST know what is going on and I’m sure they talked to her about it. But I can’t say anything to them (even though we are quite close) but at the same time, I don’t feel like I can outright ask her why I’m not in the bridal party. Not being a bridesmaid in her wedding is my "elephant in the room" so to speak. It’s there, but everyone is pretending it’s not.
I feel like we could have had a lot of fun being in each others bridal parties and helping each other out. Instead it’s awkward and uncomfortable – at least on my end. I just feel so hurt. 🙁
What would YOU do?
Post # 3
i wouldn’t say anything.
you’ve already stated that its her wedding party. so you have to respect her wishes. dont let this be a big issue. you both have sooo many other things to do and concern yourselves about.
its very possible that she is upset about the closeness of your wedding dates. i can’t say that is wrong or right. that just may be how it is.
its also possible that she just couldn’t fit you in, or assumed that since you’re planning your own wedding you won’t be able to financially swing all the financial responsibilities of a bm……or, or, or…..
if she’s not awkward and uncomfortable, there is no reason for you to be either. she has probably moved on.
Post # 4
Maybe she was worried that you would be too stresssed and crunched for time and stressed about your own wedding a week later.
I would ask her about it but do it in a way that shows you are not upset and do it in private ("So, I was wondering, why you didn’t ask me to be in your wedding?). she may not have intentionally hurt your feelings, as you did not intentionally hurt hers by getting engaged when you did.
As for the seating arrangements… do you know for sure that she is not seating you with your FI? Is she doing a head table or a seatheart table? If you don’t just ask what her plans are. Maybe say these are your thoughts for your wedding what is she planning for hers?
Except for the formal bridal pary shots expect to be in the pictures. You are going to be an oficial member of the family one week later. She would look very rude if she didn’t include you in the family photos. If you were just a girlfriend it would be another story.
Post # 5
I guess there a lot of reasons why she might not have asked you. Like the others have said, she might not have wanted to put any additional stress on you to be in her wedding. I know my FI and his 5 buddies made a packed in college that no matter what happened that they would all be in each other’s wedding. I didn’t know guys did this, but he’s sticking to his end of the bargain, even though I would prefer he asked other people. But like you said, it is her wedding party, not yours.
My suggestion would be to let her know that even though your wedding is the week after, that you would be more than happy to help her out with anything! Serve more as a personal assistant than BM.
It will all work out in the end, I’m sure!
Post # 6
I’d say don’t say anything at all and just put on a smile when you see her. Like others have said, just offer to help her. In the end it is her wedding and she might have thought she was doing you a favor by excluding you so that you can focus on your planning.
When I first got engaged two of my girlfriends were super excited and were talking about the color of BM dresses, bridal showers and etc. Including my 2 girlfriends would have made our bridal party count lopsided but I didn’t really care. When I finally officially asked them to be my BMs, they both said no. They decided it was a burden they didn’t have time for rather than an honor. I was initially hurt but I got over it and moved on. Everyone has a differernt perspective on what their wedding or what a wedding should be like. So you just kind of have to go w/ the flow.
Hope everything works out for you!
Post # 7
That sucks.. I would be really bummed too, but there might be other reasons she didn’t ask you. Its hard to tell what people are thinking.
I didn’t ask one of my close friends to be a bridesmaid because we wanted a small wedding party and she can be a bit of a drama queen, and I wanted to avoid all that. Looking back now, I wish I would have at least talked to her about it. I sensed that she was hurt, but it was something we never ever talked about, and as you said, was an "elephant in the room".
If you feel like things are starting to feel like a competition, try to do everything in your power to be open and friendly towards her… try to help her out and show genuine interest in whats going on with her. If you feel like she is trying to punish you somehow, I think the best thing you can do is be loving and kind towards her, even if its hard.
Does your fiance have any insight on the situation?
Also, why wouldn’t you be included in the wedding pictures? That doesn’t make any sense to me.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry. I know it must feel awful to be excluded in this way. The only suggestion I can give you is to maybe try and think of it as a blessing in disguise. It takes a lot of work and money to be a bridesmaid! And you don’t have to deal with it the week before your wedding. So you get to take care of your own wedding the week before AND you don’t have to buy an ugly dress. I know that probably won’t make you feel a whole lot better, but maybe it will help a little.
Post # 9
You don’t say who the rest of her bridal party are… maybe it makes perfect sense, if she has sisters or other friends she is closer with. Once you decide on the size of the bridal party, then you prioritize your friends and family – and if she really only wants a certain number of BMs, then you may not have made the cut. And asking someone to be your BM doesn’t mean they have to reciprocate.
I wouldn’t assume that she somehow did this to hurt you, especially as you say have have been friends. I also wouldn’t assume that you don’t get to sit with your FI. I would have him enquire (she is his sister, after all) about how she chose her BMs, if you really want to know. I would also have him let her know that he would appreciate seating arrangements that put you by his side for dinner. It is not at all unusual to have the bridal party at tables with their SOs, as opposed to eating with just each other.
And I would just look at it as a blessing – you will have enough to do anyway, getting ready for your own wedding, and if you are just a guest at her wedding that is just less for you to have to do!
I also agree with loveletter – although there will be photos of just the bridal party, in which you won’t be included, there should also be family group photos, and you should be in those, with your FI.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t say anything. Like you said its her choice, and just beacuse she’s in yours doesn’t mean you have to be in hers.
I undersstand feeling left out, but there are a lot of other things to be included in. You can still help plan the shower, the bach party, help out on the wedding day. You might even be more help becaus eyou’re not in the bridal party. I am relying a lot on friends who I didnt’ ask to be in the BP, and since they don’t have to get ready and take pictures they are free to help me set up things and take care of stuff.
Also, since you are engaged, I doubt that she would separate you and FI for table arrangments. If anything, being engaged would make you more likely to sit together.
Don’t stress about it too much and try not take it personally. Just enjoy your own wedding planning and try to help her in anyway you can!
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country
her wedding is one week before yours? I’d say hallelujah. Youre gonna be busy with your own wedding, and I suspect that she felt this way too. Dont make things awkward between the two of you by bringing it up. It sounds like you are good friends and I am positive she didnt do it to intentionally hurt you. Bridal parties are a tough subject, as we all know. As a bride yourself, you know you wouldnt want to be put in that situation where someone demands to know why they werent included in your BP. Dont put her through that either.
Post # 12
why are you so stressed about it?? it’s her BP for her wedding – just b/c she’s in yours does not obligate her to have you in hers.
i wouldnt even bother having hurt feelings – hello – you have your own smashing party to plan!
chin up and dont waste another minute trying to figure our why she didnt ask you – just leave it be and focus on your own thing
Post # 13
just be gracious about it, and don’t forget to have fun planning your wedding (once in a lifetime!!)…and dont get bogged down about things that honestly don’t matter much in the end. she is the one who lost out on someone who would have been super enthusiastic and helpful in the planning.
Post # 14
Thanks everyone. 🙂
And I know there is no rule about bridesmaids and that even though she is in my party I don’t automatically get to be in hers, but I still feel like I’ve been shafted. I would really like to know why – and if the reasoning was that she thought I would be too busy with my own wedding it would have been nice to know. I asked my brother’s wife to be in mine knowing full well she would say no – but I felt that it was polite to give her the option and to let her know that I wanted to include her since my brother was standing on my FI’s side.
I guess I mostly feel like she’s mad at me. But honestly, why should I have to wait an entire year because they got engaged first? I knew that I would be getting engaged last year but I didn’t know when. I really didn’t expect her to get engaged when she did – it was a surprise for everyone. I never suspected that this would EVER be an issue. Would any of you have changed your plans? My FI certainly wasn’t going to change his plans – he already designed my ring.
The dates were chosen by both of our families. We wanted to make sure that everyone could attend both weddings. I know some people see a week apart and freak out, but honestly, that’s what works for US. It’s not ideal – but it’s what we have to do to make it work. Neither one of us wanted to wait until the following summer and neither one of us should have to wait regardless of who got engaged first, who’s older, yada yada. We all have life plans and no one gets to "claim" a year. This is how it worked out. It adds a little more drama but I think it should all work out.
Is it possible to have a wedding without drama? (and without eloping?)
Post # 15
My wedding is in a couple months, and I chose my brother’s LONG TIME (9 year) girlfriend who has known me since I was barely of elem. school to be my bridesmaid (one of two). They recently got engaged, and for some reason, I really expected to be included in her bridal party, somehow. I just found out from my brother that her three bridesmaids are all cousins and her sister. I can’t blame her for not wanting to deal with all the drama of choosing non-family people, but I really feel like she is my family and am hurt that she didn’t choose me.
So, I can see where you’re coming from, but I wouldn’t say anything.
Post # 16
From the perspective of someone who did say something:
It was a truly bad idea- I spoke up about not being picked when other friends were and it did not at all go over well. The bride was extremely offended and needless to say it made me feel mortified and awkward beyond belief after that. It also led to a distancing that was not a good result. . . in retrospect, hind sight being 20/20 I should have kept ny mouth shut and not instantly reacted on my feelings of being hurt.
I sympathize with you, though. What sucks the most is that you have to attend and feel left out. You would look bad if you did not attend so it puts you in the position of having to suck it up. There is also the chance you will be separated from your FI during the wedding which will make it less enjoyable. Just remember, weddings are supposed to be happy time so eat, drink and be merry as best as you can. . . It hurts even more when it is family but I guess the bride is reacting to your getting engaged after her and getting married one week after her. Maybe she felt encroached on and is taking it out on you in this way.