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These are the worst situations. If you say something, you risk losing her as a friend. Is it worth the risk? That's the big question. Also, even if you DID say something, will she listen? Probably not.
I personally would support her and just be there for her. Now, if she DOES ask for your opinion, than maybe you want to say something? Good luck! Remember, it is her life and she will ultimately do what she wants. You can be her friend and support her.
Oh, if you think he may be physically abusing her in any way, THEN I would definately say something!
Edit: After thinking more and reading the following post, even if it isn't physical abuse, it is emotional abuse...so maybe you should say something. This is tough!
Normally, I'd say that even if you don't approve of your friend's marriage, you have no right to interfere as it would just ruin your friendship. BUT, the way you're describing his behavior almost sounds like he's emotionally abusing her.
If it truly is emotional abuse, then maybe you should say something. But it will still probably ruin the friendship, at least temporarily. And that might be worth it to get her out of a dangerous relationship.
Do you know anyone in her family that you can talk to?
She fully admitted it Emotional and Psychological Abuse when I spoke to her in July - He tells her she can't go to yoga because she a taken women and she shouldn't be sweating and half naked. He judges her because of things in her past. Just awful things...
Unfortunately her mom passed away last year of cancer - I could maybe get her cousin who I sort of know to talk to her..I just think it wold do no good..
See, that is scary. If he's emotionally abusive and controlling and telling her what to do, who's to say he won't turn towards violence? I would probably risk the potential loss of the friendship and say something. Fast forward one year: Something bad happens to her. Would you regret not trying to help her? I think that is the question you should mull over! I know it can't be easy (I've never been in this situation before myself) but I think you could be the key to helping her!
I know what you mean - I had a friend like that too. The guy she was (and still is) with is very controlling, doesn't like her to joke around with him or anyone else, has been physically violent with her before, and generally just doesn't let her be her normal, fun self. They have broken up on several occasions (even broken off their engagement TWICE) and each time she seems happier and tells us all the things that are wrong with the relationship. She has also cheated on him many times, claiming it's "out of her system" after each time. Yeah, right.
Then they get back together. Every time. We have reminded her many times about how happy she is when they're broken up, but for some reason it has never changed anything.
I know this is kind of a brutal thing to say, but I think she's in love with the superficial IDEA of an engagement, pretty ring, and marriage.
Anyway, I don't have any advice, as talking to my friend has never helped, but just wanted to let you know I've been there. *Sigh*
in this situation it may worth risking ur friendship by talking to her, rather than regretting not having to talk to her after something happened. it's so evident here that this relationship is not going to work!
is there another friend that you can team up with? by that, I mean you talking the truth to her, but the other friend taking the comfroting role (not agreeing, but being quiet, so she can turn to someone)
I have to say that if this guy is emotionally, physically, or verbally abusive (and it sounds like he is--at the very least he's controlling), it is in my view very important that you give your friend unconditional love and support because one of the ways that abuse works is to isolate the victim from his/her friends.
That doesn't, however, mean that you be all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for a wedding that you think is a bad idea. Perhaps you might want to just take her out and get her to talk about marriage--why she's getting married, what she wants out of marriage, why this guy is the right guy for her. Sometimes when you get people to do that, you can get them to achieve a bit of self-realization. You can also delicately say "hey what's going on--you guys were breaking up and now you're engaged. Did something change?" and if you can, convey that IF she decides it's not right, you will support her and help her through it. I broke off an engagement once and it was the hardest thing I ever did--I think that I would have done it a lot sooner if one of my friends had told me they would help me and support me through the process and that it was okay to do so.
But tread lightly--you want to find the right note of being a caring, honest friend; not a judgmental one.
I say this from experience, the bad news is she is an adult and can do whatever she wants. And she probably will not listen to you if you try to enlighten her. She has to realize this is a bad idea on her own and make the decision to leave him.
I'm not saying you should do this, but I had a friend exactly like yours and this is what happened. The more I tried to tell her it was a bad idea staying with him, the further away it pushed her from me even though she knew it was true. I became a reminder of how horrible her life really was, so she never wanted to talk to or be around me. So finally one day I went the opposite direction and actually started to point out positive things about him and their relationship. When she came to me crying saying he called her fat again and wouldn't be intimate with her, I just said "Oh, well he's a man and at least he is spending time with you" or something like that. Eventually my reverse-psychology method totally worked and it actually drove her away from HIM instead of me. Since there was no pressure on her to leave him, she made the decision on her own without being pushed.
I think you should be upfront with her both about your concerns, what she's told you in the past, and what you see.
I think that's your responsibility as her friend. She may listen or she may just really want to get married. But, if you don't say anything, you are doing her a disservice.
Regardless, - I think you still support her anyway. Go to the wedding, be a good friend, and hope for the best for her.
Oh, wow, that's rough!
My advice? Tell her the stuff he isn't. Tell her she's beautiful, smart, etc. He's tearing her down all the time, and she won't be able to leave him until she realizes she's worth more than that. So, if you're there being the voice of reason, it will help. So when she says he won't let her go to yoga class, tell her you think that's inappropriate, that she's a trustworthy person, etc. If she says she wants to leave but she isn't sure how, help her make a plan. Even saying - "I'm here for you, any time you need me" is good, you know?
Also, when she wakes up, she's going to need your help, you know? So try not to alienate her too much.
I've been the one in the emotionally abusive relationship, and really, the thing that gave me the courage to leave was realizing that while he was spewing garbage about how awful I was, other people around me were telling me the opposite. I realized the problem was him, not me, and that's when I was able to end that relationship, but it took a lot of time.
You should speak with her. There's a good chance she will not listen to reason but based on what you've written, your friend is already in serious trouble. Support her the best you can because you are her friend but please speak up with your concerns. Good luck - it's a very tough position to be in.
even if you are risking your friendship, i would advise saying something to her. it sounds like this guy probably wants to cut her old friends out of her life anyway, so you may lose her either way. it would be one thing if he just wasn't your cup of tea, i think we all have friends that end with a guy that isn't our favorite....but from the sounds of it, he is controlling and abusive. calling off an engagement is a lot easier than getting a divorce, i'd suggest talking to her sooner rather than later. it's a difficult conversation to have but it sounds necessary.
I read through the responses and I think talking to her is the best thing you can do. When someone gets into a pattern of emotional abuse with their significant other, it's so difficult to get out of that. The more support that she has that leaving is the right thing to do, the more confidence she'll get to leave him.
Unfortunately, you do have to tread lightly. The minute you begin the conversation, she's going to go on the defensive. Keep reassuring her that no matter what decision she makes, you'll 100% stand by her. So as hard as it will be to stand by her as she continues to make her wedding plans, keep doing it. He's going to eventually try to isolate her from her friends, and that's when the relationship will become extremely dangerous for her. And, as much as it may pain you to do so, kill this guy will kindness. The last thing you want him to do is brainwash her into thinking that your friendship is bad for her.
I'm so sorry your friend is going through this. Just try to stick with her until she sees the light that this guy is a classic abuser!
Ugh... I'm in the same situation, only my friend has married him. I've tried telling her ego-boosting truths about what a great person she is, etc. When she smartly broke up with him over the winter, I told her that none of us had liked him from the first time we met him, that he has a creepy, creepy vibe and seems like the abusive type. She agreed. I told her that we didn't say anything because we weren't sure it was our place, and I asked whether she would have wanted us to. She surprised me and said yes. Fast forward. They got married secretly (even her mom didn't know!) in June, then were separated in August. Now they're back together again. So, keeping in mind what she had told me over the winter, I emailed her with links about recognizing whether you're in an emotionally abusive relationship along with telling her that she's wonderful, deserves the best, but that he will not change and that what he does and says is never ok. I told her that I'd always be there for her if she ever needed anything or just wanted to talk, even if she was pissed at me for sending the email. I haven't heard back from her yet, but she hasn't unfriended me on Facebook, so...
@Mrs. Alias: I think I'll try your method next. Hope it works!!! Hope I get the chance....
I went through this last year with one of my FI's cousins. When she got engaged to her now husband, he was a drug user, physically abused her once, and was very jealous of her friends. He even called my FI up one night demanding to know who he was because he was a male listed in her phone! Did I mention that she had a 2 year old little boy from a previous relationship the whitnessed some of this? Yeah.
After a lot of talk from other family members about how much they were worried about her marrying him, my FI decided to contact her and tell her his concerns. She was apalled and decided she didn't want anything to do with him. Or me. She uninvited us to the wedding and ceased all methods of contact that we had. It was heartbreaking because my FI and his cousin were so close.
They have started talking recently and apparently her husband has since gotten off drugs, stopped dealing, and they now have a child together. I'm glad that everything turned out positive for her. Also, despite the hurt feelings and loss of communication with her, neither my FI nor I regret voicing our concerns.
If this is something that you think could be dangerous, I say let her know that you love her and are always there for her. Tell her that you recognize the fact that he has been abusive in the past, and that your house is somewhere she can stay if she decides to leave him. A lot of people that are in abusive relationships don't leave because they feel abandoned and have no where to go. If you keep the conversation loving and on a positive note, she MIGHT not take it offensively.
I apologize for the length of this comment...these kinds of things hit close to home and I am offering up the advice I have. Don't let her think you're pushing her away, she WILL need you. It may be later rather than sooner, but when it happens, it's important for her to know that you're there for her.
I would tell her how you feel. That way you won't feel as guilty later when he hurts her.
Still be there for her, even if she goes through with the wedding. When I was in a bad relationship, and got proposed to, I said yes...but my gut knew it was wrong. I just kept going with it, because I was too weak to stop it...and nobody else was telling me "HEY he's a drunk ass! Don't marry him!"
Somehow I grew a pair on my own, and broke that one off. I told ALL my family and friends "if I ever get into something like that again, TELL ME" ...they all said "well, I wanted to tell you, but..." NO BUTS. You're her friend, it's your job to warn her, protect her, and possibly pick her up when it's all over.
I didn't really read through all the responses, so I apologize if I'm just repeating things.
I think that as a friend, you do have the right to say something to her. But you need to be direct, say it only once, and if she doesn't want to hear it, be ready to drop it forever and then just support her. But approach it as a concern for her - say something like "I'm just curious, what's the rush?" and "Has something changed from a few months ago when you told me about your relationship? That had me concerned." See how she reacts and then act accordingly. If she gets angry, that's not your fault - you have to do what you think you can live with.
Man, I am torn. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, but I hid it. I think the fact that she's telling you these things means that a substantial part of her really wants help to get out of it. Thinking back, I think that if somebody had whispered in my ear and said "It's going to be okay, you can leave and start a happy life," maybe I would have heard them...really listened and heard. I don't know for sure, though. I didn't end friendships with anybody because they didn't like him or vice versa, but I certainly did isolate. I remember thinking how perfect our relationship would be if we could just exist on a deserted island, because then there'd never be anybody else to worry about, to hide from. I am going to say that you should talk to her, but be prepared for her to get upset or distance herself. When you talk to her, don't say "I don't like him. You shouldn't marry him," rather say "You deserve to be truly happy. I love you. I care about you. I'm here for you. Please know that you deserve better."
I know it's hard because you risk losing the friendship, but you are being a better friend by telling her how you feel. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all and you should at least try to get her to see that. If she gets defensive, then back off and just try to be "happy" for her. Some people have to find out the hard way that they are in sucky relationships. You ultimately can't make the decision for her, she has to see it for herself, but personally I would be racked with guilt if I never said how I felt
One of the things an abuser always tries to do is separate the victim from her friends and family. It sounds like she doesn't have family to speak up for her, all she has are her friends. I think it's very important that you talk to her about it. Tell her that you love her and are worried about her. Give specific examples of things she has talked about that disturb you. Give her the contact info for an abuse hotline. Tell her that ultimately this is her decision, and you will always be there to support her no matter what. If she feels that she can overcome everything, then you will be there for the wedding to support her. (Leaving the abuse helpline contact info is important because it gives her an objective person to go to about what's going on, so she won't feel pressured or judged.) I was in an abusive relationship once, and it took a counselor pointing it out to me for me to see it. Without the support of friends, it is almost impossible to get away from a situation like that.
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So my friend, Melissa has been engaged twice before - I even went to one bachelorette party in New Orleans and then the wedding was called off. Last November, she met Dan. They quickly became a couple and moved in together. She has changed and not for the better - we can't talk about the past and the fun crazy times we had together because he doesn't want to hear about it - we had to take down FB pictures where she had some cleavage - for my bachelorette party, she came into the city for it, but Dan picked her up at 11pm and was pissed she wasn't standing on the right street corner - Also in July, she called me and told me about things he was doing that were SO MEAN - Telling her she is ugly and he can't even kiss her and tons of other things - She said she just started telling people - I am like you need to break up with him and move out. Fast Forward to August - I get married on 8/21 and she texts me on 8/22 saying she is engaged. Now the wedding is set for Saturday of Thansgiving weekend - this year! I love my friend and have congratulated her but I really feel that this is ridiculous - he's a mean person and she breaking up with him moved to we are engaged. I have heard other friends of hers aren't happy either. Do I just realize this is what she wants to do and not say anything? At this point even if I do say something, the wedding is happening, so I probably just shouldn't dampen her spirit and be happy for her..It's just soooooo hard.