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Ok, I know I am likely to be absolutely ripped to shreds, but I wanted to see what people thought of voluntarily foregoing breastfeeding. Basically, it just seems like something that is not for me or my family. I don't think I'm a particularly selfish person -- I plan on giving up a lucrative career to be a full time SAHM when our baby comes -- but I just don't want to do it. I want to have my bodily independence back and I want my husband to be able to share in feeding duties and bond with our baby in that way as well. And even though "breast is best" is dogma, I'm not sure the case is as open-and-shut as many people make it out to be. (See, for example, http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/, which says there is actually very little objective evidence of breasfeeding's benefits because of the limits of long-term testing on this variable.)
Is there anyone else who feels this way? I know lots of people (myself included) who were raised on formula and were just fine. But most of all I'm afraid of all the disapproval I will receive when I tell people I'm not breastfeeding. Any tips on how to deal with that? I just don't think it's the right choice for me or my family.
I am right there with you. I do not want to breastfeed at all. I'm not saying I won't change my mind, but after watching what my sister went through-cracked and bleeding nipples, horrible pain when pumping, NO THANK YOU.
Although I don't have children yet, I too am not so convinced on the idea of breast-feeding. I may try it with my first but if it doesn't click or I just don't care for it, I will have no problem switching to formula and never looking back.
My brother, sister, and I were all formula fed and we've all turned out great! You hear all the information about how breast-feeding is really good for the baby's immune system - well none of the three of us were EVER sick growing up (basically just went to the doctor for vacinations and sports physicals) nor do we tend to get sick now. You hear about breast-feeding helping with the bond between mother and baby, but like you said, what about the bond between dad and baby? And there's much more you can do to bond with your baby than feed them.
I have nothing against those who choose to breast-feed but I don't think it is the best option for all people/families. I DO dislike when those who choose to breast-feed go all "high and mighty" on those who don't (I know not all mothers do this but there certainly are a decent number who do). Neither option for feeding your baby is bad - they're just different. So no worries OP, you certainly aren't the only one!
So don't do it. That's the grand thing about having your own kids - you get to make all the decisions!
Just be prepared to change your mind though, being flexible goes hand in hand with having children.
I don't see any problem with it. It's your life and your baby, if you don't want to then don't feel guilty. I don't have kids so have no clue but I always wondered what happens when the milk starts to come if you don't use it. Is it a use it or loose it type deal? I wonder how long it takes to go away.
I have no kids but I can't say I'm 100% on board w/breastfeeding when we have kids. I mean I give the women that do it SO much credit but I've seen nipples of women that breastfeed and in all honesty, I'm a wimp. I would cry more than the baby if my nipples were looking that like and sore/cracked all the time. I think it's a personal decision for every woman that she needs to make herself and I don't think anyone on WB is going to yell at you or give you a hard time if it isn't for you!
I don't think that any woman should be judged for her decision to breastfeed or not. I also believe that a happy mom is better than a frustrated, impatient one who is trying to do something that's just not working for her.
Personally I believe that breastfeeding, at least initially, is very beneficial to the baby and their immune system. The colostrum has very important antibodies that really do help out baby in those early months and beyond. That being said, breastfeeding hasn't always been prefered and people grew up just fine.
However, there are people out there who really don't have a lot of trouble breastfeeding. (see here for one example.) You can share feeding with your husband by pumping. It is still a lot of work and time, and isn't for everyone. It really is a difficult issue and a very personal decision, but (being pro-boob juice) I'd just try and get as much information as you can before you make your decision. Some of the fears/concerns you have might not be as big of an issue as you think they will be, as you get closer or once you have your baby.
If you decide not to breastfeed, I would take a very matter of fact stance with people. I'd simply say that I'm making the best decision for my family. If people start to offer opinions on your decision, I'd tell them that you are happy they can make that decision for themselves and their family, and that you can make the decision for your family.
I tend to be on the snarky side when I feel judged, so I'd take that approach, but it's not for everyone.
One lady who responded to the article wrote <<I feel that women's unique ability to care and nurture their children elevates them and gives them a place of high value both in the family and in society>>
LOL! Pretentious much? I think these types of people are who the OP is talkin about.
Then just dont do it....If you feel guilty about it, its only because you arent sure of your internal decision.
And of course there are babies who drink fomrula who turn out to be just fine.....If formula was a direct cause of problems and it could be PROOVEn beyond a shadow of a doubt then it would not be available.
I say to you what i say to all moms. You have your choice as to how you should feed your baby.
However, I caution against using that article for support becuase simply put, most of the things they say are "good" for us when you take a look at the evidence you would be sorely disappointed.
Lots of things we say "exist" when you look at the statistics, correlation, validity and reliability THERE IS NONE! ANd this can be applied to any and almost everything. (Mental Illness, medicine, foods that are "safe" and the list goes on)
What i will say is that before we INVINTED formula, babies had breastmilk and moms made a way to make do.
With that being said, above all else, i SUPPORT a mom's right to choice. SO do what YOU think is best for YOU and YOUR baby...and dont look to the media OR science for help.
Personally, while I don't like the "idea" of breastfeeding, I like it better than "wasting" money (and a LOT of it!) on formula. I also don't like the idea of starting my future kid on processed human created foods so early. (But I've also already looked into making my own baby food one day). I also like the idea of burning calories ;-)
Maybe in "mommy circles" it's more prevalent or different, however, I would never look down on someone or question why they didn't. Heck, I don't WANT to know! lol
I wasn't into the idea of breastfeeding either. However, I decided to try it just to see if it would work for me. Personally, I hated it and after a few weeks went to only bottle feeding. Honestly, it just wasn't for me. It wasn't a bonding experience for me, and, personally, it was just more frustrating than it was worth. I'm much happier now that I'm not breastfeeding. I had the same idea as you about wanting my husband to bond as well.
You don't have to justify your decision to anybody but yourself. It's possible that you won't get any comments. Honestly, I haven't gotten any at all. If you do though, just say that it is a personal decision and leave it at that. They don't need to know details.
Ultimately, you have to find what works best for you! I hope nobody rips you to shreds, because this is a very personal decision.
Having said that, there is a preponderance of medical evidence that supports breastfeeding in the literature.
Here are some lovely excerpts that kept me going...
If you nurse your baby for the first few days after birth, he will get a healthy dose of colostrum. Its main function is to protect the newborn from infection by coating the baby's intestinal tract and acting as a barrier to prevent the invasion of harmful bacteria. It protects your baby from illnesses that you have been exposed to, as well as illnesses that he may be exposed to. So if you breastfeed for a few days, you are doing your baby a great service!
Sometime between the second and fifth day after your baby is born, your milk will change from colostrum to transitional milk, which is thinner and more plentiful. This milk also contains important antibodies. The protein in breast milk is much easier to digest that the protein in cow's milk or formula, making your baby less likely to suffer from digestive problems such as gassiness, rashes, and colic.
Breastfeeding during these early days is helpful for you as well as your baby. Breastfeeding helps you develop a special closeness as you get to know this special little person who has entered your life, and also helps your body recover from childbirth more quickly by releasing hormones that contract your uterus and reduce post-partum bleeding. So if you breastfeed for a couple of weeks, you are doing you and your baby a great service!
If you nurse your baby for 4-6 weeks, you will be helping to ease his transition through the most vulnerable part of his infancy. Babies who are breastfed have lower rates of many illnesses, including digestive and respiratory problems, pneumonia and meningitis, and SIDS. So, if you make it 4-6 weeks, you've really given a great start for your baby!
If you nurse for 3-4 months, your baby will be much less likely to develop ear infections. Studies have found that babies who were exclusively breastfed for at least four months had half as many ear infections as formula fed babies.
Nursing can help you lose the extra weight you put on during pregnancy. Mothers who breastfed lose more weight by the time their babies are 3-6 months old that formula-feeding mothers who consumed fewer calories, because breast milk production mobilizes the fat you stored during pregnancy. Think about how nice that would be for you and your baby!
If you nurse for 6 months, your baby will be much less likely to have problems with allergies, since at around that time, your baby's intestinal tract begins to produce antibodies which coat his intestines and protect him from foreign proteins and allergens.
Most mothers who exclusively breastfeed for six months will not have a period during that time, and rarely ovulate. Helps moms build up needed iron stores and prepare for future pregnancy. Admirable goal :)
If you nurse for 9 months, you will be helping him through one of the most important developmental periods of his young life. Babies between 6 and 9 months go through so many changes - sitting up, teething, starting solids, crawling, pulling up, and more.
Lots of research points to the beneficial effects of breast milk on a baby's intellectual development. Breastfed babies score an average of 8 points higher on IQ tests than formula-fed babies, and this seems to hold true even when things like parent's educational and socio-economic backgrounds are factored in. So making it 9 months is great for your baby!
f you nurse for a year, your baby will receive health benefits that last a lifetime. Long-term nursing protects against ulcerative colitis, diabetes, asthma, Crohn's disease, obesity, and high cholesterol in adulthood. Babies who are breastfed for a year or more are less likely to need speech therapy or braces later in life.
All of this is evidence based, but the take home message is that if you even breastfeed for 3 days you are providing a benefit to your baby :) And if you can't do it, you can't do it, but you'll certainly make the decision based on what's best for you, your baby and your family!
ETA I read the Atlantic article. It was enjoyable, but most of the evidence she cites is quite old.. I think the most recent was from 2005... there's a reason for that. Because newer studies are having larger effect sizes and better design. Plus the cumulutive weight of consistent outcomes points to the findings being a real effect:)
I F*ing hated BF when I did it.
hated it with a burning passion.
I hated being *so* relied upon.
But I did it because I was less keen on the idea of formula, although I did eventually make the switch @ 7months because I just could not take the gnashing gums of a teething 7month old anymore.
Don't feel guilty about it, it's your life & your choice ultimately.
Think the social effect is pretty imporant -- you have to sacrifice a lot of time in order to be able to breastfeed longterm. Many, many, many women do not have the luxury of stepping away from work multiple times a day or staying home. Time is worth more than formula costs to those women.
Thanks all I really appreciate all the viewpoints, and I really appreciate the bee community being so supportive. Like most of you have said, I have to make the right decision for my family. Right now I think that will probably be to bottle-feed my baby. But I think I will probably at least try breast-feeding and see how it goes. Who knows, I may love it. I'm going to keep an open mind. But it is so nice to feel supported that it is a personal family choice and not some sort of sign that I'm a terrible mother! That said I have nothing but respect for those who breast-feed. And Mrs. DG, thanks for the medical perspective. You always provide a needed voice in these discussions! I agree that breastmilk is beneficial for the baby, most evidence points that way. But like we've all said, there are many considerations that go into this choice other than medical statistics. I would bet that, stasticially, babies probably benefit from mothers who are happy and at peace (rather than miserable and stressed outa bout breastfeeding) too!
@Mrs. DG: Wow that is so informative.
I have to say I am pro breastfeeding. I think it is important and I think it is the natural thing to do. I am TTC, so I have no experiance, but I know that for me formula is only a last resort.
First there is the cost, formula is expensive!
Secoind there are all the medical benefits that Mrs. DG mentioned, breastmilk is 100% nature designed to be EXACTLY what your baby needs!
Third I have heard it is much easier to wean a breastfed baby, since the taste of the breast milk varies depending on what the mommy eats, so the baby is used to changing flavors.
I don't understand the mentality of breastfeeding being an optional thing- we are mammals, that is what we are built to do. I understand that people have legitimate medical and lifestyle reasons for not choosing breastfeeding but honestly i don't think a little discomfort and or inconveniance should be one of them.
I do not however expect my opinion of breastfeeding to convince anyone. I would suggest talking to a doctor, and asking what they think.
This is my view as an NICU nurse:
I think that there is a bit of a disconnect when it comes to how breastfeeding is promoted. All you hear is how breastfeeding is best, and then add in the guilt factor from medical professionals, other moms etc if you choose not to breastfeed.
There is a real lack of real education and preparation for breastfeeding. I find that 95% of first time moms I see have no clue at all how to start breastfeeding. The first few feeds are incredibly important for how people feel about breastfeeding. There is an assumption that because it is natural, that the baby will know what to do - and guess what, they don't! Lean on your nurses for the first few days, let them help you and show you how to get a proper latch, and really listen to them when they explain the difference in feeling between a good and bad latch. If you learn how to do it properly from the get go, and know when to re-latch a baby you can save your nipples. Blistered/cracked nipples are not "normal" and mean something is being done wrong!
Not everyone has a great shape/size nipple for breastfeeding, and this can make it difficult, sometimes you can take steps to improve nipple shape/size if it is diagnosed, but rarely are physicians/midwives actually addressing it prior to birth, and then it makes it even more difficult. For people with flat/inverted nipples it can be as simple as wearing a shell that trains the nipple to protrude for 2 weeks before birth, and while awake between breastfeeding!
I think that you do need to do what is right for you, but you also need to do as much preparation before the baby is born so that if you give breastfeeding a try, you give it a fair shot!
I'm with you there. I know that eventually, I will get the attitude, snark, rippsed to shreds, etc (not here, but in life in general.) But its just not for me.
@vistagirl. I think that is the type of judgmental attitude that I am just so worried about. Some people think that anyone who doesn't breastfeed is horrible. I just don't think that's true.
Women have to make all different kinds of choices in raising their children, breastfeeding is one among many. For example, I am choosing to give up my lucrative law career to be home with my child. But I would never criticize someone who works -- she is doing what's right for her family. Another example -- some parents choose to let their child watch lots of TV. Some don't. Some choose to feed their kids organic food, some don't. All of these choices have various effects on children. But you don't hear people pronouncing judgment on these other choices -- people trust that women are trying to do what's best for their family and they keep their opinions to themselves. Breastfeeding seems to be an exception to the rule of "MYOB" -- people feel the right to excoriate women who don't do it. I just really worry about that....
I had said I did not want to breastfeed when I was pregnant 2 years ago and then decided to try it in the hospital. It was the weirdest thing - I actually ended up liking the connection I felt to my son. Unfortunately I didnt realize just how long breastfeeding took and becasue I was still a full time university with an hour drive to school a couple times a week I reluctantly decided to switch to formula (that way my husband could share at night when I had a big test and other reasons as well). The nurses made me feel like the worst mother ever when I told them. I cried and cried. I just felt absolutely terrible. My son is perfectly happy and healthy today and is turning 2 in september. We are debating having a second child now. Because I will actually be able ot take time off I am going to try breastfeeding again.
I think its a woman's choice - its not for every person and it doesnt work for every family situation depending on circumstances. I couldnt believe the number of people who judged me when they found out I had switched to formula - I thought that was just awful. I really hope that other mothers dont exprience this hostility but to those that do - my son is perfectly happy and healthy and your baby will be too - you are not a bad mother for choosing formula. Although I plan to breastfeed next time around I am still conscious of how I was treated in the hospital the first time and it bothers me to this day.
The fact is that it all comes down to the mother, and no one can make that choice except her.
The article link did not work for me, but unless it was written by an unbiased medical professional, I am weary of believing any "facts" in it.
I felt exactly the same as you do when I was pregnant. I read all of these stories about pain, cracked nipples, being a slave to the baby etc and I was definitely on the side of bottle feeding. However I also knew of the benefits of it, so I thought what the hell, I will try it and see how it goes, if I dont like it then I'll switch.
You know what? It was really easy. I had no pain or any problems at all. If I wanted some time out then we used one of the expressed bottles of milk we had in the freezer, or we just used a bottle of formula. My daughter was happy with either, and daddy got his bonding time too. For the time I fed her (almost 8 months long), I found it much easier then bottle feeding - the first time round you have no idea why your baby is crying, and its much easier to shove a boob in that crying mouth then it is to mess around making a bottle while she screams the house down - and five times out of ten they dont even want to eat so it would be a waste anyway!
When I was working I did a mixture of both bottle and boob, and that worked fine too. You dont necessarily have to do one or the other. You're right to have an open mind and try it. People may make comments if you bottle feed, but you will find that as a mom people will make comments on your parenting no matter what you do, so you will have to develop a 'mind your business'attitude whether you bottle feed or not. Do what is best for your baby AND you, and everything will be fine :-)
I think there's a lot of other stuff going on making it a more heated argument and a lot of the 'breast is best' is a backlash against marketing that was suggesting that formula was best. There was a bit of a crisis in third world countries with a decrease in breast feeding. Now while formulas might be a great nutritional option they don't provide antibodies that help protect infants when their immune systems aren't up and fully running, which is very important in areas of high disease. Also if you're in a third world country clean water might not be plentiful so formula is really not a great option. So that caused a huge backlash against the marketing, distribution, and education about formula.
But we're not in a third world country and though I have to second/third Mrs. DG in saying that there is plenty of evidence demonstrating benefits of breast milk you're right in that there's plenty of other factors to consider as well such as stress and medication on that decision since formula is a perfectly viable option. Just educate yourself.
fi4kevin: you are so right!!! People are going to judge you as a parent on pretty much anything and everything and I agree a mind your business attitude is essential. From breastfeeding to our decision to circumsice absolutely everyone had an opinion - finally I just said "this is hte decision we as parents made and that is all that matters". Finally people got hte message.
if anyone is torn between the "nutrient" aspect and the "shared duties" aspect, consider starting out breastfeeding and pumping from then on -
no one experience for one mother should determine your own opinion. we are all different. i have heard AWFUL stories about c-sections and equally awful stories about vaginal births. if you believe everything you hear, or believe whatever about so-and-so's friend's sister, you'd be too terrified to get pregnant in the first place.
i gotta say @chicagowife, i sense some hostility - "i am giving up a lucrative career" (mentioned twice) "i want my bodily independence back" ?
@invalid_username: Even if there is some hostility (I dont read it as hostile just fact stating. I come from the same place she does,) I feel that shes instantly putting up a defense in anticipated response to the criticism and backlash.
I just know its not for me and I wont do it either. Ive already been made to feel badly about it. Instead of dwelling on it, I snap back and say its not their parenting decision to make. Sometimes, you just have to worry about your own child and not take into consideration someone else's opinions.
maybe, but giving up a career doesn't have much to do with being anti-breastfeeding
I agree with what most people said about it being your choice. It is your body and your child and you should not be judged for such a personal decision!
I have actually been working on an article on this issue and I found everyone's comments really interesting (don't worry, I won't use any of them!) In my research I have found that there are benefits to breastfeeding - I think Ms. DG articulated them really well in her post. However, there are also some downsides and it is a very different experience for each person.
Unfortunately, what I have discovered is that there is a lot of tension and misunderstanding between women who choose to breastfeed and those who choose not to. The problem is that everyone feels as though they are being judged. For some people, breastfeeding is too painful, or doesn't work for their lifestyle, and that is ok. On the other hand, women have been breastfeeding for years and many continue to do so, so there must be some benefits, even if they cannot be 'objectively proven' (although I believe there is some good objective evidence...). As a woman who choses not to breastfeed - fo whatever reason - it is also important not to judge those who believe it is best for them.
Basically, I encourage you to think about what everybody has said and how you feel and do what is best for you. Whatever decision you make some people will probably end up judging you, but you should just try not to let them bother you.
I appreciate what Mrs DG, vistagirl and MsMini said!
I think the benefits are evident, however that doesn't mean it's the right situation for everyone. A friend of mine works with kids in residential care, shares and office and has a horribly unpredicatble schedule. She can be stuck in family court for hours, and has three hour meetings several times a week. She just couldn't make it work when she returned to work. Doesn't mean she loved her baby any less.
I am going to give breastfeeding my best shot. But I told DH the other day if I can't do it and decide to use formula he doesn't get to criticize. I said until he experiences the pain that can sometimes be associated with breastfeeding, he gets to keep his mouth shut.
I didn't breastfeed. It was my choice and I didn't want to deal with it. I was bottle-fed, so was my brother. My two kids were fed formula.
Also, remember this: if you're uncomfortable, then that will go to the baby. It can also create a problem with your milk production.
Also, I've been told it can and does hurt. (My son was chewing when he was born, no teeth, but he loved chewing. SO GLAD I did NOT breastfeed! talk about PAIN! lol).
My son (and daughter) were allergic to milk. Yep, you heard it: allergic to milk. My son would vomit it up seconds after he ate it. I put him on soy formula, and he was fine. The pediatrician even said, he'd have had that problem if I was breastfeeding. I ended up putting my daughter on soy, also, because of it giving her tummy aches. (thankfully, she didn't have such a violent reaction as my son!)
There's a lot of reasons to breastfeed, and a lot to use formula. Do what is best and most comfortable for YOU. Ignore the ones who hassle you and, to be honest, tell 'em to SHUT UP. (add in any other words you wish while saying this, too, lol).
It's YOUR body, YOUR baby. You have to do what you feel is best. and, really, if it wasn't gonna be healthy for the baby, they wouldn't have such a huge price tag on it. (don't believe me? compare junk food to healthy food and see which is more expensive :P)
@invalid_username: Interesting observation re: hostility. I guess I mentioned the career thing twice for two reasons: (1) People who judge non-breast-feeders often say that non-breast-feeders are selfish. I don't think that's true. I guess I mentioned what I'm giving up for my child in order to give evidence that I'm not a completely selfish person. (2) I've sensed a lot of hostility in this debate generally, so I probably was being defensive from the get-go. That's probably not fair of me. I've certainly been surprised by the overall supportiveness of the bees!
And the bodily independence thing -- well, that's just stating my feelings. I'm not going to lie! While I may end up concluding that breastfeeding is best for my family, I'm not going to pretend there aren't downsides! And giving up some bodily freedom is one of them!
I wonder how many people who scream that "breast is best" are also pro-choice. Does anyone remember Giselle Bunchen (or however you spell her name) advocating a woman's right to choose, but later saying it should be against the law not to breastfeed? I'm not saying this is anyone on this board, but the thought just popped into my head.
I am so with you. I don't have kids yet and don't plan to for several years, but I'm not convinced of the practice. Things may change once I've at the point where I wish to bear children, but for now, I'm on the fence.
@flamingred: I am pro breastfeeding, though I can understand why one would chose to feed formula in some situations, and vehemently pro-choice. I don't really see what you are getting at with your comment.
There is no "right" way to do things. It's just about what is right for the individual, and that's why it's great to try not to judge an individual for their decisions about their family.
I think those kinds of judgements are what lead to the mommy wars! And my take on the mommy wars is that every one loses...
@flamingred: If people are looking to Giselle as a moral compass, they've got bigger problems. Abortion really doesn't belong in this debate.
I'm saying it's a woman's right to choose what she wants to do with her body. And that is how it should be looked at.
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