Post # 1
I’ve been engaged since February and planning the wedding since June. It’s July and already I am not sure I want to have a wedding. Its so expensive, even doing more of the decorations myself anf having my mom make my wedding dress and everything it is still so expensive. I was never the kind of kid who dreamed about her wedding mostly cause I never thought I’d have one. Now I’ve met the man of my dreams, we’ve been together for two years and I am so excited to marry him. But every discussion we have about the wedding becomes a fight. I would be fine just going to the courthouse then having dinner with our immdiate families afterwords. But everytime I even say that he starts saying “no, no, no, I want to give you the wedding you deserve” which is super sweet but frustrating when every time I ask him what he wants in a wedding thats his answer. Its not a helpful answer. So then I started planning a wedding and including family and picking bridesmaids and every time I try to talk to him about the wedding budget so we can plan he just gets so upset and frustrated and shuts down and then we get into a fight because it pisses me off. I feel like he doesnt want to have a big wedding and wont say so but when I expressed that to him he says that he does want to have a big wedding. But you cant have a big wedding without the big price tag, and I’m defining big price tag as anything over $500. I just dont even know what to do. Do I want a big wedding with our families and friends – yes, but whats most important to me is marrying him, not how we get married. Its not ideal but as long as we’re married at the end of the day I would be okay with a wedding at the courthouse. And he just refuses to look at that as a possiblity. He refuses to pare down the guest list to save money. But he refuses to talk about the budget with me which is not unlimited. And every single time I bring it up and try to talk about it he just completely shuts down. Its making me not want to have a wedding at all. I dont know what to do.
Post # 2
jessienicolestearns: first off welcome to the Bee, I see you have never posted before.
Sorry you are going through this. most guys arent all “gung-ho” when it comes to wedding planning or anything associated with it, ie BUDGET.. its nice that he wants to give you the wedding that you deserve, but maybe he just doesnt know how you all are going to finance it which is why he shuts down completely whenever you bring it up. but you cant let it go on like this much longer. wedding planning can be stressful but it should not cause constant bickering. try to ease into the conversation and say everything you just said on here about how you would like the big wedding but at the same time it may not be plausible and how the most important thing u care about is the two of you marrying… he may feel like he is letting you down or that you are secretly gonna be upset if u dont have the big wedding. just tell him what you said here and im hoping he will open up to you and tell you his feelings..
and weddings are expensive, sure you can cut corners by deciding what your priorities are but if you are talking only $500 then a courthouse wedding might be the route to go (or a nice backyard or other alternative venue). u can still have a nice dinner after your courthouse wedding and even a vow renewal later with tons of friends and family when you have the finances to pull it off.
Just make sure that the next time you talk to him you are honest but not too pushy which can make him get defensive, let him know that you just want him to talk to you and that there arent any right or wrong answers and also tell him to tell you what he wants, not just what he thinks you want to here. Best of luck OP, Im sure things will work out.
Post # 3
mckey430: Great advice!
jessienicolestearns: After that, maybe you could tell him your top 3 priorities, and ask for his. Good luck!
Post # 4
jessienicolestearns: YOur problem here is not about the wedding. The problem is that your partner is refusing to communicate, compromise, plan, and generally make a useful contribution.
In my opinion, one of the things that actually makes the engagement process useful is that planning a wedding will force couples to negotiate through all sorts of real life issues that they’ll have to deal with as a married couple – money, religion, traditions, family boundaries, etc. If he’s unwilling to do that, it may be foreshadowing of challenges to come in your marriage. What about when he “wants to buy you the house you deserve” but refuses to look at your budget or save for a downpayment or make tradeoffs between cost and features (or whatever)?
You two need to address the underlying problems.
Post # 5
cbgg: See thats the weird thing, hes super communicative about those other things. We come from different religious upbringings so we’ve talked about that and figured out what we want to share from each religion with our future children, we’ve already bought a house and live together and that was a pretty peaceful and easy process, family boundaries is a bit more difficult but we’re working through that as well. I think thats why this is so frustrating for me, I’ve never seen him shut down like this before.
mckey430: Thank you so much, youre encouragement helped. I approached the topic again via text message, and found it really helped us because we could really think about our responses and respond thoughtfully and honestly and it forced him to respond in some way, I think we’re slowy starting to figure some of this out. I feel like the issue really isnt how much money we have becasue we’ve both done okay for ourselves but that he wants a big wedding without having to spend any of our money on a big wedding which is of course impossible.
creativeplannertobee: Thanks for the encouragement. I will talk to him about prioirites tonight and see if it helps.