Post # 1
My SO has been heavily suggesting we’ll be getting engaged in the next month or so. He actually has called me “Mrs. XXX” (his last name) for the past 6 months…I’d laugh it off, but now I’m actually getting scared. My palms are sweaty from literally just thinking about him proposing.
I love him – he’s so amazing – and his family is great. It’s just…It’s just..I have no idea what it is. I’m just so nervous about the whole ordeal. My parents would never get along with his (my parents are party animals/rednecks – while his are traditional, south asians that don’t drink/have pre-marital relations). Our parents could never meet. I love both our families but separate they must be.
My SO is terrified of meeting my family and although it would be nice for him to ask for my hand in marriage from my dad – I just don’t see it happening. (I live on the other side of the states from my family, btw).
I’m trying to workout what my fear is stemming from..but there are many issues, and I’m not sure how to fix any of them. Thing is: I really love my guy.
My question for you is:
– How do you distinguish between cold-feet and something isn’t right?
– I dont even know how to break it to my family (via facetime??) that, “Oh, I’m engaged to a guy you have yet to meet…yay?” (I’ve talked about him a lot) Is this okay? Any suggested alternatives?? How did you tell your family (if you live far from them?)
-For the girls who have parents/parents in laws – that shouldnt meet, how did you cope? Wedding? Elopment?
Thank you so much fellow bees. 🙂
Post # 3
Aww what an exciting time for you! I’m sorry you’re having these feelings. The only advice I can give you on distinguishing between cold feet and something not being right is – if everything else was perfect regarding your families, then would you still want to marry him? It sounds like that’s the biggest issue so if all that went away, would you be happy with what’s left?
Post # 4
welcome to the bee 🙂
I feel you on the sweaty palms. I think it’s a little scary too sometimes, but I thought it through some times: standing there, saying yes, and it feels right when I mentally put myself there! It’s a huge deal though. That’s the best answer I can give for that one…
My SO and I had lived together for almost a year and been together for 1.5 yrs when he met my parents. It was a distance problem. My parents almost felt like they knew him when they met him because I’d talked about him so much! It was never a problem, but my folks are super easy going.
Our parents are like night and day but they get along well and have met 5-6 times now despite living very far apart. They’re not best friends but interested in getting along because of us. Don’t worry so much about them, they’ll figure it out if they’re normal adult human beings 🙂 You spend your entire childhood doing your best to raise your parents but in the end you just have to let them go 😉 If you’re talking about getting married, you’re basically talking about starting your own little family unit. That means taking on a new type of authority over your life together. Really, don’t worry so much about them!
Post # 5
How long have you guys been together? :}
As for your parents, I would start mentioning to them more and more [starting ASAP] that things are getting serious between you and your boyfriend… and eventually tell them that you think he is going to propose to you, and how excited/happy you are about it. Then when it actually happens it won’t be a “this is the first we’ve heard of this!!!” situation.
But that’s only if you really would be happy and excited! Definitely spend some time thinking about your reservations and feelings of nervousness. Maybe go to a bookstore and look at some of the “self-help” relationship/marriage books… sometimes looking through books like that can help you figure out what your hang-ups are. There are a few books that have lists of questions to ask “before you get engaged”. Something like that might help you?
All the best!!
Post # 6
@DCBrunette: I’m sorry you’re feeling so nervous. That’s not a good feeling. “How do you distinguish between cold-feet and something isn’t right?” That is a HUGE question and unfortunately I don’t think there’s a straight answer.
When I first started dating my FI I went through a LOT of doubts. There have been many times in our 4+ year relationship when I have wondered if I should be with him. This is anecdotal and I don’t know if it will help you, but for me I just realized one day… that I didn’t feel so scared anymore. My love for him had completely swallowed up all my fears and doubts. Every relationship has aspects that are less than ideal, that are going to test you and make you wonder. You should feel blessed that the difficult things for you seem to center around people other than you and your SO. If you two are super strong and super in love and super commited to each other, you can get through anything.
An elopment might be a great idea, as long as both of you believe that would be best and make you happy. I love elopements and it gives you so much more freedom not to mention saves a lot of cash.
Here’s a question: If things were different with your families, if they weren’t so different and stressing you out… would you still feel nervous? Would you still have cold feet? You’ll want to make sure that there isn’t something more scaring you. If it’s just your families making you feel this way… you owe it to yourself to not let that scare you out of lifelong happiness with the man you love.