Post # 1
My SO and I have been together for a little over a year and are both in our late 20’s. That’s not a super long relationship, but it has been an intense and demanding one since he is in the military and moved out of state 6 months in. He recently moved several time zones away (too far to drive) due to the military and will be there for the next 18 months. He asked me to come with him but I said no, primarily because I have never been comfortable with the idea of living together before marriage. Also, I have a job and a life here in a major city, and I’m not confident that I would be happy or could find a job where he lives. If I had a ring on my finger, this would be less of a concern because I would share finances with him and be allowed by the military to help with all the logistics (paperwork, scheduling medical appts, etc). I woudl happily move with him as his wife.
To be clear: I love him with all my heart and I want to marry him, but he has so much on his plate with his new job that I don’t think he’s thinking about the futture. I have had frank discussions with him before he left that he should start thinking about the future. I said if I’m not the one for him, he should just break up with me because he’s not doing me any favors by staying with me if there’s no future. He says he loves me and there is a future for our relationship. But with all this distance, I just don’t know if it will be too much for me to take without having any assurance if we’ll ever get married. He has said in discussions that he wants marriage and kids in a general sense, but he’s never said anything to indicate that I’m the one he wants that with, or when that would happen. But he’s not that good at talking about that kind of thing (he’s trying).
I’ll be seeing him 3 times in the next four months. I think I should try not to say thing more about the future. I basically know that, but the idea of having a timeline is so tantalizing that I’m tempted to bring it up again. But I will take any advice I can get. I’ve been reading this site for months and I think you all are so helpful to each other, I was hoping you could help me.
Post # 3
@fingerscrossed: I’m really stumped. I was going to suggest waiting for any kind of commitment/making any big decision until you can spend a good chunk of real life time w. him… but if that’s in 18 months, that’s too long to wait.
I wish I could think of something useful to say. I guess the best I can come up with is set a timeline for yourself. Pressuring him won’t work, but if he doesn’t propose by X date, you’re out of there. I wouldn’t necessarily tell him this unless things are the same way as they are now when you’re close to that point. I think it’s a good thing you didn’t give everything up – especially now.
I can’t really imagine being a military wife.. I think it really helps to be a person who is cut out for it. I like routine, I don’t like sudden moves, I couldn’t deal w. the worry, etc. Can you? I think you really need to visualize the future, and if you think you can’t go on without him, then you’ll be more willing to wait. If he does indicate that after those 18 months you will marry, then maybe it is worth it. I really don’t know.
Post # 4
I wish that I had some support to give you. I am going or will be going through the very same dillemma in the near future, due to my SO being in the military also. I have pretty much come to the conclusion, that by the time SO leaves, if he doesn’t want to get marry me, I will not follow. I have a son, a good job, and I’m finishing my bachelor’s degree, and it is just too much to ask of me without a more permament commitment.
We have kinda talked about the future. I think we are both on the same page, we both sort of dance around the subject because it is so sensitive.
For you, I think you need to talk to him. 18 months is just a long time to wait. I couldn’t do it, I would have to at least be engaged and planning a wedding for the end of that 18 months. Also, if he stays in, he will just be getting transferred elsewhere, again. That you also need to take into consideration & so does he. If he loves you and wants you in his life, he needs to be able to committ and show it.
But that is just me and my two sense. I know if SO decides he wants to do his next tour overseas, and he doesn’t propose, or we don’t get married before hand, its over because I for sure and not waiting two years in an LDR hoping on a proposal when he returns. I love my SO, and never met a man I wanted to marry until him, which makes it harder.
Post # 5
thanks for your thoughts:) i am the type of person who can deal w/ being a military wife, moving around a lot. i moved around a lot as a kid and i am the type of person who can make friends easily. it’s not easy for anyone but i know that i could do it.
when you say a chunk of real life time, how much time are you thinking? i have been seeing him every weekend in the last 6 months when he’s been out of state. i kind of feel like all the crap we’ve been through (i’ve helped him move multiple times, he’s helped me move) has definitely shown us each other at our worst (and our best). i feel like i’d be ready to marry him now and i feel confident that he knows how crazy i am.
i like your idea of a personal timeline that i don’t tell him about. i definitely don’t wanna issue any sort of ultimatum.
Post # 6
@fingerscrossed: What I was getting at I guess was making sure that you’ve spent enough time w. each other to see each other at your worst, and to get out of any kind of honeymoon type phase. In any new relationship (I want to say a year or less) you’re still getting to know each other. The fact he left after 6 months made me think that you possibly don’t know him well enough yet to make a decision this big. But it does sound like you know him quite well – especially since you’ve spent every weekend together for the past 6 months.
I think that with time things will become more clear. You’re only seeing him 3 times in the next four months, right? I think during that time you need to focus on happy things, don’t weight it down with future talk (hard as it is). I think you definitely need to talk to him more about this, though… obviously. Will visits go back to every weekend after the four months? I think when you are seeing him more regularly again you do need to talk. Who knows – he might bring it up. I understand how you feel.. obviously you want a commitment and you deserve one, but you don’t want to wait around forever or be that girl who nags until the guy breaks up w. her. Just set the timeline for yourself and until then try to be positive, keep things light, etc.