(Closed) I’m ready to pull my hair out…

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

It sounds like you’re upset at her not being able to be there for your day, but also, since you’re a good friend, you’re very (rightly) concerned that she is ditching you to spend time on a relationship that has not been good for her in the past.

I think the best thing to do here is just to sit down with her and talk out your expectations of her as a BM, and try to set a date to pick out the dress, etc.

Post # 4
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

I would definitely sit down and have a talk with her – if it were me. Yes, she’s blown you off for something important, but the bigger issue is that she’s gotten herself (again) into a very unhealthy relationship, and probably the excitement from him being "back" or "sorry" is overshadowing other important aspects of her life. (Such as her friend’s wedding).

Unfortunately, my best friend lived out of state with someone who beat her horribly for 3 years, and could not be convinced to leave. Eventually – after the second or third attempt to kill her – she left. It can really be a horrible situation, especially if her children are involved. (Which, also, you can always report if you feel it necessary).

You may not be able to change her mind – but you can plant the seed. Once so many people take notice and say something, on top of the physical abuse, eventually she will put 2 & 2 together and hopefully do something about it. In the meantime, once brought to her attention that it bothers you, she may be able to spend more time with you in regards to your wedding planning. Hope everything goes well! 

Post # 5
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you need to chat with her to see if she is still interested in being in your wedding.  If she is, tell her how crucial it is that you pick a date soon to work out the BM dress situation. 

As far as her choice in men, you kind of can’t say too much about it.  Sure, you can give her advice and tell her that you are worried about her safety when she is with someone that treats her like that, but it’s up to her in regards to what, if anything, she wants to hear.  She may also get upset with you, but realize that at the end of the day she is probably more upset with herself than you.  I’ve had some people very close to me make these kinds of decisions.  Unfortunately, I’ve said my peace, but they still do what they want to do and sadly keep choosing losers. 

Post # 6
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Let us know how it ends up working for you!

Post # 8
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Well the good thing here is that she is away from him, at least for now.  Give her lots of hugs..  Maybe she’ll figure out she’s better off without him.  Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with Tayna123- just be there for her. Maybe she’ll realize she’s better off without him 🙂

Post # 10
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Couldn’t agree more. I had a friend who constantly put herself in harm’s way to be with a verbally abusive guy. Time after time- I would tell her where I started to sound like a broken record. However, she finally came to her senses and said, "you’re right" and it ended. I just continued to hug and praise her for the person she was. I told her I didn’t agree with him and his ways in a relationship.

If he were to beat her like you said he did to your friend-that would be a completely different story. I would try to get her to go to the police and file a constraint against him.

Post # 11
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think the situation is a lot more complex than your everyday-story of a friend missing a wedding planning date. It sounds like your friend has a lot of very serious issues in her life. I think that the best thing to do would be to find a way to be there for your friend. Unfortunately, you can’t make her pick a better guy, but perhaps you can find ways to help her with her self-esteem and help her believe in herself a little more.

I think that this situation is so complex that you should try to be there for your friend, even if she misses a few wedding planning dates. After all, your wedding will come and go, but it seems like she will need friends like you in the future. 

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