Im ready to throw in the towel and its only been a month

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@RobandLil0107:  Sounds like it’s time for MIL to find an inexpensive apartment, maybe even with a roommate.

I am not sure why any parent WOULDN’T want to cut down her expenses as much as humanly possible rather than suck her children’s resources, potentially crippling his future. I’d hammer out a fixed budget (such as, X amount for food, bills, household items… and once the food budget was running low it’s on her to limit her soda intake) along with a timeline for her getting a job.

I would never leave my parent high and dry on the street, but I’d expect sacrifices on her end to match the sacrifices I was making to support her.

Post # 5
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Why can’t she get government assistance?  Did she work before her husband was terminally ill?  What were they living off of while he was still alive?

 

I think that she needs to 1) go into grief counselling and 2) your husband needs to sit her down and give her some options.

 

She SHOULD be selling the house to pay off the bills and find something that is more affordable….It will be difficult for her, since that was the home she shared with her husband, but sinking herself and you guys into debt is just not an option.

Also, does your husband have any siblings?  Shouldn’t they be helping out as well…and who are all these people saying that it is your responsibility?

Post # 7
Member
1771 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@darkflame: +1. And I was about to ask about relatives, too. OP, why has all this burden fallen solely to you and your husband? You’re still in school so I’m assuming your finances are tight, this seems ridiculously unfair to you guys.

Post # 8
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@RobandLil0107:  From a non-emotional, strictly financial standpoint (perhaps this is what you have to tell her)

 

-MIL cannot afford the house. Period– end of story. Unless she wants to be like the rest of America and go into foreclosure, that house needs to hit the market. Sell, sell, sell.

-Allow her to take the money, and find her a small, decent apartment she can live in.

-Help her find part-time work, even if it may be a hostess, receptionist, cleaner… she needs to be able to financially take care of herself.

 

If she would have been smart with money in the first place, there is no reason she would be in the financial trouble she is in now. YOU and your husband need to plan for your own retirement and future– not save someone else’s ass who didn’t. 

Talk to her about selling the house and also let her know that you and husband plan to move out to start your own future together as a couple. A foot MUST be put down.

 

Post # 9
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@tampalove35:  +10000

She needs to learn to take responsibilityy. If you and your DH walked away she would HAVE to make life changes and fix things. She is part of your life, but she needs to respect your life and your need establish your marriage.

 

Tough love is needed in this situation

Post # 10
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@polyblonde:  +1

I’m sure her house is important to her, but when you can’t afford a luxury you just need to let it go. How does your husband feel? Would he support cutting down your MIL’s expenses? Also, is he their only child? I’m wondering if that’s why the rest of the family is saying it’s your responsibility. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough beginning. This sounds like something that can be worked out if your husband can come to see reason. 

Post # 12
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@RobandLil0107:  WIth that new information I would say that you guys need to move out.  This is not a healthy way to live.  His mom needs to step out, I get that she is grieving, but with terminal illness you usually have time to put things into place so this kind of thing should not happen….

 

how were their finances before his dad ended up sick?

Post # 13
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@RobandLil0107:  Posted before I saw your first reply. You guys will have to deal with her like a spoiled child. They throw tantrums because they work. Stand your ground and show her that she can scream, call names, blame you for her impending death, say what a bad child her son is, and whatever else she wants to do… you’re still not going broke for her luxuries. What is she gonna do? She depends on you. She also intentionally took advantage of you knowing that she wouldn’t have an income. Let her knock herself out being as mad as she wants. And stay calm so she also fully hears and realizes how she sounds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
1817 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@RobandLil0107:  Ok, I think the biggest problem is that you’re not on the same page with your husband. Yes, I think the right thing to do is to help out his mom. But try to get on the same page with your husband about how you’re going to go about helping his mom– what do you think is reasonable and unreasonable? What does he think is reasonable and unreasonable?

Have a calm PRIVATE conversation with him about it without really making any decisions at first. You know that he wants to help his mom, but have him talk to you about what that help looks like. What is he willing to do? unwilling to do? How far will he go? etc. I’m sure he understands that certain things she wants are unreasonable (smoking in the house if you have asthma, not letting you guys purchase some new furniture if you plan on living there for awhile). Also, have a conversation with him about what to do about the other brothers. If you two are bankrolling this operation, you both (more specifically your husband since it is his family) should have some rights regarding who lives in the house (not the brothers if they don’t have jobs, etc).

Also, try to think of this from her perspective. It might help you be less frustrated with the situation. She just lost her husband– the person who (I’m assuming) provided her security for the last how many years of her life. And your husband just lost his father. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. With this in mind, please don’t try to get rid of her dogs, especially after she just lost her husband. Dogs are part of the family. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to one of my furbabies. You and your husband and the other people who live there can make efforts to train them properly, though.

I think the most important thing here is that you and your husband need to be on the same page and that he needs to be the person to take control of the situation with his family. You two can have private conversations in which you make decisions for yourself, and then he can go out and implement them. But he needs to be strong enough to do that and he needs to be able to walk away if his family is not willing to work with him.

 

Post # 15
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I can understand your frustration but unfortunately this is what you signed up for (for better for worst, in sickness and in health) I’m sorry you have to go through it so soon aftger getting married. Question why doesnt MIL sell this house and move in some place else that you guys can afford? I understand that she just lost her husband but it just doesnt seem fair that you all have to accomadate your lifes and she isnt doing anything to help the situation. This is just a bad situation all around, I truely wish you the best and hope everything worksout for you guys.

Post # 16
Member
1817 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@RobandLil0107:   I would also have your husband have a frank conversation with his mom about why she cannot get government aid. She might not be filling the forms out properly or putting in the effort to provide the correct information. It might be easier for her to make her son foot the bill instead of following through to maze that is government assistance, but this is unacceptable. And if she needs to see a doctor in order to qualify, then she needs to go see a doctor. Too bad if she doesn’t want to. That is not an option. However, if I were you, I would not be a part of that conversation: she may be more willing to open up to him only.

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