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I think that trying to kiss your FIANCE in front of OTHER PEOPLE merits you talking to her!! Your FI has made it clear he has no interest in her, but I think you need to make it clear to her that she is not welcome in your life! I would tell her that if she doesn't knock that crap off you will make sure that she never sees him or talks to him again. (Leave out the part where you throw her dead body in a lake...) What a psycho!!
Wow, that is absolutely not okay. I mean, I can understand if it were a one-time issue. I have guy friends who, if they tried to kiss me, I'd say absolutely not and they'd be done with that business. But someone who continually is trying to manipulate another person? I doubt that is healthy for ALL parties involved. I think your FH needs to handle it, but seriously consider whether or not this friendship with her is worth your discomfort. If my boyfriend was friends with an ex who attempted that nonsense, I'd probably throw down some ultimatums and would be prepared to walk away if he still "needed" to be there for her or whatever the case may be,
But that's just me. I've not been in that situation before so I'm sure other ladies on here have some more constructive advice. :-)
Your FH needs to cut off all non-work communication with her. She clearly doesn't "get it" and seems to think she still has a chance with him. Even though your FH is being a nice person to her, it's not being contructive and that she even tried to kiss him in front of other people would indicate to me that maybe he hasn't been as firm with her as he needs to be.
She will use imho every chance to get at/with him so def they have to stop all communication and maybe he needs to call her with you on the line so that she understands she cannot continue this behavior.
If she does this stuff at work and it is unwanted, that is sexual harassment imho. He should turn her into HR if she does this. It's unfortunate she cannot seem to move on, and since this is the case, she needs to be "helped" in how to stop her behaviors. Not sure where the almost kiss almost happened,but if it's at work, then that should significantly help her behavior.
I don't think you should say anything to her because with the work situation, she could cause him a lot of trouble. This seems like the type of person who could switch to being vindictive very quickly.
Your FI needs to talk to HR, or to his boss if there is no HR department, asap. He needs to get his story on the record now, in case she decided to try something crazy like make up lies about him and try to get him in trouble. After everything is on the record from his side with HR, it might be good for him to have one last conversation with her about this just to make sure that she has no room to say "Well, he never told me he wasn't interested, he was leading me on" or anything like that. Of course it isn't true, but he needs to think about what he can prove. When I was having an issue with unwanted attention like that at work, I was advised to tell the person through email, very clearly, "I am not interested in you, please stop. Your attentions are inappropriate and unwanted." and to save the email (and any replies). If he does that, then if one day she gets mad and tries to start trouble for him, he can pull out the email and say "Look, she's been harassing me and I've done everything I can to maintain a civil, professional relationship here."
Good luck, and hopefully this last incident will be a wake up call to her, she'll start to move on, and leave the two of you in peace.
I wouldn't get involved directly. That seems like a guarantee for major drama.
However, it seems the current situation isn't cutting it.
I agree with PinkPinstripes that he needs to sever all ties, aside from work obligations. It's not because you don't trust him, but clearly she cannot respect your relationship/engagement/commitment. Through no fault of your FI, every time she pulls crap like trying to kiss him, it hugely affects your relationship.
Not. Acceptable. She needs to be out of the picture to the extent that he has the power to do so. Not because he can't be trusted, but because she seems to be out of control.
gemstone - exactly my feelings. its a little easier to ignore her usually (since they work in a different sector/area) but this past week we were all volunteering together so we all get thrown in together.
shes smart enough to never try anything while im around but since i have friends that know me well, and FH also knows to keep me aware of things i know what she tries when im not around. (shes a total lurker!!!)
she did however have enough common sense yesterday to not show up for our volunteer shift. im guessing someone tipped her off that i was pissed and it was best her trifflin butt not show up.
I figure at this point i will just let FH handle it - unless i see her again in the near future and she tries the whole two faced thing again. then i will have my lovely little "chat" with her.
i am just glad that my FH is smart and honest and will tell me what goes on.
Greenleafmountain has it right! Don't talk to her, (as tempting as it may be to knock her teeth out... believe me, I know) because that may trigger her to try something more drastic to spite you, which may get your guy in trouble!!
I'm not saying this will happen to you guys, but it is something that *can* happen... a friend of mine's (now ex)BF had this crazy chick basically stalking him after he talked to her at a party, and after she got tired of him spurning her advances, she accused him of sexual assault. That had never happened, but it was her word against his...
Thing was, really, that he was too nice to her. He wasn't interested, but felt bad for her so didn't block her on facebook or MSN, and she'd stalked him so much that she knew all about my friend and cornered her on campus one day. Nothing bad happened, but she talked to my friend like they'd been best buddies growing up, and it scared the crap out of my friend. But, if he'd saved her MSN and facebook messages, had a paper trail, he could have proven that she was a crazy b(*%@ and likely even got a restraining order.
TLDR: Paper trail = good!!
@spaganya: You're being really mature about this. Good for you! And so great that you have an FI that is open and honest with you.
But you don't want to constantly have to be worrying about what she's up to. Maybe mention to your FI that you think it's best he avoid being in her presence at all cost. No girlfriend/fiancee/wife should have to always have this question in her mind.
@littlelynx - i was actually a little afraid of just that happening early on in our relationship. this woman has been H-E-double hockey sticks for us since the beginning. we had the whole sit down with her (FH did the talkig with me there) about her texting him all hours of the night (he never answered) and her spreading rumors about us at work. After that sitdown she kinda disappeared for a while which was perfect, but every year with the volunteering that we do she rears her ugly head again (usually alcohol fueled) which is why i end up volunteering as well since i know that my presence keeps her "honest" when im physically there. but i had to leave the day that she made a move on him.
i am gonna talk it over a bit more with FH and see what his take on it is and how to best deal with her. she definately has the whole stalker tendancies and i think is actually clinically a bit unhinged so that worries me. im just glad she doesnt know where we live. *shudder*
Unfortunately, with crazies, giving them more attention will only make things worse. If you confront her, it will fuel her crazy. It is a bad situation, but it isn't as if your FI is falling for it.
He needs to handle it, but handle it differently than he has handled it in the past. Enough about feeling bad for moving out, it has been 3 years! He needs to be firm and limit all conversation and interaction to work ONLY.
Sorry to hear it! Make sure he knows how important this is for you!
Wow. Not to sound un-ladylike, but I'd punch her in the damn face. What a piece of work.
My fiance's ex is also crazy, and thinks my fiance is still in love with her. Sometimes late at night his phone will ring and go to VM two or three times in a row.
I have a difficult time dealing with it, because I've cut off communication with all of my past ex's.
Good luck!
Maybe it's me, but I don't think you should HAVE to say anything to her. This person from his past is hurting his fiance...HE should be the one to take care of it. Of course, the fact that they work together makes it a bit sticky and I agree with the above posters that he should have NO communication with her other than what is unavoidable and business related and should document behavior that makes him uncomfortable.
That said, I think any sympathy or guilt on his part is terribly misplaced. YOU are his fiance and should always be his first priority. This person is causing you pain and his sympathy needs to be 100% directed towards you. Anyone hurting you is not worth his compassion.
PS I voted OTHER. He needs to handle it, not you, but you say he has been only "somewhat" handling it. He needs to take care of this.
I voted to knock her lights out, lol!
But in all seriousness, I think your FI needs to cut off ALL ties with this woman. She's obviously unstable and bringing lots of tension to your relationship, which you don't need right now!
What a nutter! I think ur FI needs to talk to her and be “harsh” with the facts. It’s been long enough no more trying to be Mr. Nice Guy. She has crossed a line and needs to know that is not acceptable behavior especially for her age!
If that doesnt work its time to knock the bitch out!
@robinlinz HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA I was thinking the same damn thing!!!
This crazy b**ch needs to be handled. Your FI needs to lay down the law. No more Mr. Nice Guy!
wow...definitely time to have a talk with her...she needs to grow up, and leave your FI alone. And, I know that they work together, but FI needs to be "not so nice" to her. He needs to have an "anything outside of a work related issue, then I will be acting REALLY cold towards you" attitude towards her from now on.
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First off let me say i completely trust my FH and know he wouldnt cheat on me or anything....
but his EX is a holy terror. she is manipulative, vindictive, and i think still in love with FH (even after over 3 years!!!)
it doesnt help that she works with him (not in same building but they see each other occasionally depending on assignments etc).
she tries to make him feel guilty and hangs on to this lie that he cheated on her with me (which was NOT the case, they were broken up and he had moved out long before him and i started dating.)
I think FH feels bad that he is the one that dumped her and moved out (shes got issues in her past) so he tries to be nice and civil to her but shes just taking advantage of it and he really cant see it.
Last night she even attempted to KISS MY FH. (FH did the right thing and shut her down of course and apparently she broke down in tears in front of a ton of other people making everything awkward etc)
so now im LIVID and pretty much want to scratch her eyes out. shes a grown woman (and im not talking even in her 30s, shes into her 40s....) and really should know better.
im torn as to what i should do. FH is somewhat handling it himself and trying to shut her down, but i can just sit idly by and let her disrespect me like that. part of me really just wants to pull her aside and tell her to knock it off - we are engaged and getting married in a few months and to GET OVER IT he doesnt love you!!!
what to do!?!?!?