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I completely understand -- on several different levels -- why you're feeling hurt. Your BF's behavior doesn't sound quite right, so I bet there's something going on that you need to address sooner than later. Not in a confrontational way, though. If she's truly the friend you say she is, then difficult as it may be, you need to talk to her and clear the air.
Tell her that you've picked up on FB that her wedding planning is underway and you're surprised and frankly rather insulted that she hasn't invited you to share this experience with her. As her best friend. you WANT to be there for her just as she has been for you (assuming that's the case?). Ask her in no uncertain terms if she's deliberately excluding you, and if so, why?
I don't think there's any easy way around the BM issue. You can't ask to be one and you can't demand to be one, but in the course of the rest of your conversation you can politely ask whom she's chosen. It will give her an open door, if she chooses to take it, to explain why she didn't ask you. But are you sure she might not still ask you?
One thought I had is she may sense that you are planning to go a more traditional route with your own wedding. She may not want to get "sucked into" wedding mania, and is concerned that one of you will influence the other too heavily. Maybe she just wants to do this in her own way without too many cooks in the kitchen. I don't know how to read this exactly, but talking it out with her will give you some peace at least.
Just let me stress: This is your BFF so try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Be honest about your feelings, but communicate what you need to with calm and love towards her. I promise you you'll get a better response.
Hey girl -- what a stinky situation to be in!! Do you think she overlooked you on invites, or just being a BM?
One of my closest friends is planning her wedding right now too (we've got similar time lines in mind) and we're actually kind of avoiding talking too much about planning. It's too hard to share ideas without wanting to steal them. :) Of course, once in a while we do send each other things we think the other would like, stuff we personally don't want to use (i.e. I sent her a link to preserved orchids for sale, since I know she wants to do an orchid theme since orchids have all this symbolism for them as a couple). It's also really hard for her, I think, because she's been waiting to get engaged for YEARS, and my guy and I have been talking marriage as long as we've been together (old friends... new love! why wait?).
I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe your friend has a (misguided) reason for thinking she shouldn't talk to you about wedding stuff? Her 'anti bride' comment makes me wonder if she's afraid talking to another bride (even one she cares a lot about) will make her feel pressured to do too much 'traditional' stuff in regards to the wedding? Or maybe she decided not to ask you to be a BM (you DO have a lot on your plate iwth your own wedding!) and is scared you'll be upset, so is avoiding you.
I'm sorry this is such a hard place to be :( :( :( Maybe you could ask her about it though? I can't believe she wants to be hurting you -- why would she agree to be in your wedding if she didn't like you THAT much? Plus she's your BFF!
Hope it gets better - I'll be thinking of you. Keep us updated.
Wow!!!
That completely SUCKS!!
I thought i was finding it hard enough because 3 of my close friends are bridesmaids for a girl that they went to school with who i have only met a few times!
I agree, give her a chance to explain!
Aw, fifty, I'm sorry!!! It definitely SUCKS to be left out and it's doubly hurtful that you asked her to be a bridesmaid and she has not (so far) returned the favor. I think (like most of the posters here) that it's time for a heart-to-heart to find out why she has not been more inclusive with you about the wedding planning.
Honestly, my gut reaction is that for whatever reason, she's not asking you to be a BM and therefore avoiding wedding talk in general as a way to escape an uncomfortable convo about WHY you're not a bridesmaid. Which sucks, she should grow up and deal with the issue in a mature, adult way by taking the time to tell you why and then figure out another way to include you in the wedding.
I really hope you guys can work it out without the friendship suffering, but it's not an easy thing to do. Good luck, keep us posted!
So sorry. I'm kind of thinking the same way as rungurl10. But maybe with your wedding, she thought she was doing you a favor by not burdening you with a BM gig?
I would try to just clear the air with her. Maybe there is a good rason for not asking you, ifthat's the case. Maybe she is just having one or two BMs. You are right not to specifically ask to be a BM. But maybe you can be really honest and just say something like,
"Gee Annie, you don't seem to want to talk about the wedding with me. I was hoping I could get some feedback since you're my BM. And since we're planning our weddings at the same time, I was hoping that you would share some of your planning with me. I'm kind of wondering if you're avoiding it all because you're not planning on making me a BM. I might be a little disappointed, but I understand you can't please everyone. I think more important than being a BM is that things aren't weird between us. ......."
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Aaww fiftyfoot I want to drive down there and give you a big hug!
I understand why you'd be upset. Ok fine don't ask you to be a BM, but it's a whole other thing for her to be all shady about it. She should atleast be out in the open about it with you because she's only going to make you feel worse by acting like she doesn't want you to know anything. I want to go kick her in the shins for being such a butt to you. :)
As for advice...I think it's best to hack it out now with her before it progresses on and on in the emotional pressure cooker and you guys get more stressed with your weddings as time goes on and then you say something once you're fed up and boom! Pressure cooker top goes flying. Just tell her you would be a little sad but you understand if she doesn't want you in her wedding but you would feel better if, and rather she not ignore you and talk to you. Ask her why she's being secretive about the wedding with you, (I get why she'd be secretive to the general public) tell her you have you're own ideas and wouldn't copy hers.
HUGS!
So sorry you're having to deal with this. :( *hugs*
You should definately just approach her and let her know you have seen that she's planning and you would love to help her in any way possible. I'm sure you could also let her know that you're hurt that you've been left out. Not being invited to be a BM is one thing, but being shut out is especially hurtful.
I hope that you two are able to communicate about this and patch it up. :)
Maybe she just has one bridesmaid? Just ask her directly! You are BFFs after all. I think that when someone's wedding is so different from your own, it's hard to picture, especially during the planning. Also, since you have 3k miles between you, chances are she might not want to burden you with planning details. I feel that way about my girls, too. If I knew they felt left out, I'd work on fixing things. She probably doesn't know.
*hugs* If I were you, I'd definitely just come out an ask her directly. No sense in stressing yourself out about it all and no sense in making the situation more awkard (after all, she's going to be a bridesmaid for you ... you kinda need it to be cordial) and just talking about this might be easier than fretting, ya know?
I would be hurt too. That's not right. It's not up to you to be direct, its on her. Now, I don't think its a matter of reciprocating, meaning since you asked her to be a bridesmaid she HAS to ask you. I think its simply that because you guys are good friends, that should be a natural choice.
I've dealt with a similar situation, just about a year ago and I still get upset thinking about it. Allow me to explain. hopefully it doesn't get confusing, there are a lot of details. Throughout HS me and these 2 other girls, lets call them Annie and Nicky were the best of friends. Eventually the other two drifted apart but I remained close to both. But then, oddly enough, Annie started dating Nicky's brother. A couple years go by, I move out of town, Nicky moves out of town. Then, we both find boyfriends as well. Fast forward- Nicky doesn't like the fact that I'm dating someone not of our race (how ignorant, I had no idea she was like that) and she disowns me. But, I'm still friends with Annie. When Annie gets engaged to Nicky's brother she doesn't invite me to be in the bridal party because "her family's so big", fine, no biggie but since we were so close I still knew I'd invite her. Then, on Facebook, I see pictures of her bridal shower... one that I was never invited to! I was heart broken. I asked what happened and she said she had to cut some out of towners due to the large number of invites. Which hurt more because some girl she has met in college was invited from way farther than I was and I'd known Annie since 7th grade! visited her family on Christmas day every year, cried like a baby when her grandfather had passed, etc. How could a friend do that? Right? Well, she said the invite to the wedding was in the mail, I never got it. How could people you have such a deep history with just abandon you because of the person you fall in love with being a different color? (I'm marrying that man and I don't care what others feel about it) So I sent her an email saying that I was hurt but I wish her all the best in the world and farewell, she never responded. I still think about it, it sucks! Sometimes friends just don't value you as much as you value them. I'm sorry that happened to you. I think you should be honest with her and tell her you're hurt. I'm glad I did so, even though it didn't matter.
Aawww Fifty I'm really sorry your upset! You're like one of my fav people on WB! I'm actually planning my wedding with my BFF and we're both in each others wedding. I know how it feels to be left out of the planning process too! Sometimes I get jealous that she doesn't tell me things, but I just figured that it was because she thinks I'm so consumed with my own wedding! Maybe that's the same in this case. Maybe your friend thinks that you have so much going on that you might be too busy for her or maybe because she so anti-bride she doesn't want to rain on your parade with you being a happy planning bride. You girls seem close so I'm sure you can calmly talk to each other about this situation. I'm sure once you get the real answer, you'll feel a little better!
So Sorry Fifty! Your posts are always so funny and upbeat, this one caught me by surprise!
I think you've been given great advice, so follow your heart - you can make this as little or as big of a deal as you want, just be prepared for the worst reaction either way. In the end, if you want to save your friendship, you need to talk to this girl.
(((((HUGS!))))))
I'm sorry! I'm wondering if it's because your friend feels self-conscious that her wedding is "anti-bride." She may feel a little insecure about sharing details with you that differ from what you consider wedding-appropriate.
Oh 50 I'm sorry. She is imho being unsensitive and somehow perceives that there is (just my opinion) some wedding competition and isn't discussing things with you about her wedding b/c of her own ideas or her own viewpoints which is strange somewhat.
I had ( back when I married the ex) all my friends marry within a wierd six month period and we were all supportive but one of us went quiet. She clammed up. Turns out she wanted to listen in on what WE were all doing and try to either out do us or change things all around b/c she got married last. We called her on it and she still was clamming up but some people, no matter how good a friend they are, honestly get really wierd when they themselves begin the planning. She sounded even imho a tad confrontational in that bizarre response to you.
Hugs. Do I need to buy you a bloody at the brunch/bee meetup on sunday? You need a pick me up!
I agree with a few other posters- since you described her as BFF, you should just ask! If it was a no-brainer to ask her to be your BM then logic would suggest that she should feel the same- so just ask her what's up. HUGS!
Thank you all so mcuh for your comments and support. I don't have time to fully respond yet, because I'm in the middle of school-day running around. I just wanted to tell you all thanks so much. It has really made me feel better to have this support and also to know that I'm not nuts for being upset.
BBL, ladies.
I personally think she's kind of a jerk for talking about it on Facebook for everyone to see - I wouldn't be surprised if you're not the only offended person. Like other posters have said, you can't force her to let you in - and I'm sure you don't want to be invited to be a BM only b/c you got confrontational with her, so the best thing you can do is let it slide and assume she's not asking you for a good reason. Do your best to treat your two weddings differently and respect her choice to not ask you (even though it sucks).
Before you decide to talk to her about it - make sure you have all the info. Even if you have to get it from her. So pretend you're just very interested in her wedding, make her talk about it and find out how big the bridal parties are and if they've asked everyone. You never know - maybe she only wanted like 2 BM's and she had to ask two girls instead of you b/c of some food chain issue. You might not be so offended once you find out more info.
Good luck!!
Also, I once had a friend not ask me and it was a total shock and I eventually let it go without talking to her about it. I'm so glad I didn't bring it up b/c I found out she was having 8 bmaids that were family, future family and childhood freinds (which I was not) and I'm sure she was trying to keep the # down.
After a little thinking, I don't really care all that much about the me being a bridesmaid thing. I know there could be reasons for her to only have one or two, etc. Yes, it is a little confusing, as we always talked about being each others, etc, and would/does hurt my feelings some, but that's not the heart of my upsetness.
The thing that really bothers me is the fact that she is lying by omission to me. Hiding stuff from me that is stuff that she knows I would want to be a part of, just for support! It's a friend thing to do, not to mention, hi, you're in my wedding, don't you think I'd be happy to know that you were planning a wedding? Don't be a shady ass.
I could blah blah all day about my issues with all of this. Each part that hurts, etc. I think my hands would fall off, or I'd break the internets. :p I know I have been speculating a lot today over what her reasoning is, and I need to just man up and ask her WTF is up. I really blow at anything that borders on confrontation. I end up just apologizing, even if the other party wronged me. I'm a really awesome doormat.
I fail at the phone, so that's out. The earliest I'll be back in hotlanta is on Friday afternoon, and I could talk to her then, but that's assuming she has time. I could email her or send her FB message as well. (Email seems like a more 'grown up' option). Email is more of an instant gratification way, and I tend to obsess and be upset. I also fold easier in person. This might be one of those 'in person' convos, though. Blurg.
Also, regardless of what her answers are to my questions, if she apologizes for her behavior, etc, do I really want someone who would make me feel like this to be a bridesmaid? I'm not jumping to any action, so nobody worry about that, but just a consideration. I dunno. :(
@jenniferespos: I am really sorry that your childhood friendships disintegrated the way they did. It really hurts when, as you said, someone doesn't value your friendship the way you value theirs. I thought I learned the lesson and how to deal with it when I was, like, 12 ... but lo and behold a friend that I met at 27 that became incredibly dear to me just broke my heart time and time again through the years because she didn't do her part to hold our friendship together. It's hard to let some people go ... {hugs}
@50: Haha ("I'm a really awesome doormat")! Pull yourself together, girl!
You're entitled to your feelings and I think you'll feel much better once you get this stuff off your chest. Hard as it may be, try not to let Annie's actions of late taint your choice to have her as a BM. You asked her because she's your BFF and I doubt this little misunderstanding will change the nature of what she means to you. It's okay for her to follow her own course. Just let her know you'd love to share this experience with her on both sides.
I'm sorry to hear this, but it seems that you're reading into something that might not be there. Did you think maybe she doesn't want to bother you since you are also planning a wedding? Did you try asking her how her wedding planning was going or did you just mention your wedding? If I were you, I would be direct and just ask her how her wedding planning was going and ask specifics. For example, don't just say, "How's the wedding planning going?" You might start with that, but maybe include, "How many in your wedding party?"
Also, let her know you feel left out of what's going on with her and maybe you've been focused on your wedding. If she is your BFF, she'll totally understand. I think you're assuming she intentionally left you out to hurt you. Maybe she is being considerate and not wanting to put too much on you with you planning your own wedding and then go into details with her. Also, it sounds like she really isn't into the whole Big Fat Wedding thing. She seems to not by into the whole wedding industry thing. That might also be a reason for her not keeping you and likely others in the loop.
Try to be open minded and not to jump to conclusions. You wouldn't want to lose a friend over wedding planning. It's not really worth it. Believe me.
I hope all is working itself out 50ft. Hopefully your friend is coming around and realizes you're just her friend, regardless of who's getting married or what is happening. That's what matters in the end because the day after each others' wedding, you will still be that same friend after the dresses are put away and the parties are over.
and I hope you're feeling better too! Did you notice we've got sunshine finally?
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Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm really upset.
(Sorry, this is a little on the long side).
When I got engaged in January, immediately upon returning back to Atlanta, I got together with one of my BFFs (for a long time my only BFF) to tell her the story, as she demanded :p, and I also asked her to be one of my bridesmaids. She said yes, cried, etc. Fast forward to June, and she got engaged! I was really excited for her, went over to her house, we had girly giggly time, and it was great fun. She said some stuff about what she wanted wedding-wise, and we talked some about what I was planning on doing wedding-wise. When I left that day, I was a little confused/sad that she didn't immediately ask me to be a bridesmaid. I just assumed that she wasn't up to speed on all of that stuff. (She's from CA, and so I just assumed not a lot of the wedding stuff is beat into you like it is in the South. lol).
She expressed interest in some of the wedding blogs that I mentioned, so I spent a few hours compiling my favorite ones, made a list and sent what was good about each one to her. I got no response. I thought it was a little strange, but sort of shrugged it off because we're both super busy with school stuff in two different places. We still would do random facebook wall-postings, etc. Nothing really that out of the ordinary.
A month later, I saw one of our mutual friends (but a pretty far-out of the center friend) post on her wall, "Your wedding is going to be the shit." I was a little like, hm, wtf? She's set date things? Or? I felt hurt and left out, but found no other wedding indicators.
I went the pansy-ass route by starting to write some wedding-related and/or bridesmaid stuff in with my regular posts to her, and she'd just ignore the weddingy parts. A few weeks ago, I finally was tired of worrying about it, and sent her a message:
"Dear Annie,
Do you still want/are you able to be a bridesmaid? I understand either way, but I need to know. :p
Love,
Lauren"
She responded 20 minutes later with:
"OF COURSE I will be your bridesmaid!!"
So I thought, okay, whew, problem solved! I was still a little hurt/weirded out that she still hadn't mentioned bridesmaid stuff to me. I just figured again, well, she hasn't done that yet.
Fast forward to now, when I was piddling around on Facebook, and noticed a post by another one of our mutual friends on her wall:
Friend: "i LOVE you for picking black. i will get back to you on all the other things, but i just wanted to share my immediate excitement about that color choice. "
This made my spider senses go off, so i looked at the friend's wall, to see that Annie had posted this:
"seriously late response, but yes, you should definitely come down here! I have a break from school Oct. 3 (Sat) - Oct. 6 (Tue). The next weekend is no good (unless you want to be my date for my honor fraternity's semi-formal). When would be a... good time for you?
Three line is all that I can give you without talking about my wedding. Now for the update:
1. I am officially the anti-bride, I think my mother is disappointed
2. The wedding guide I'm using is called "The Selling of the American Wedding" and it's all about how the wedding industry just makes up stuff you need to buy
3. I have a potential bridesmaid dress, if you get a chance, can you go try it on and tell me if you like it? http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/sr=1-1/qid=1252388342/ref=gp_se_search-results-asin-redirect/177-8611182-1561310?ie=UTF8&asin=B002GIP3OM Or if you find another black dress that you like, send me a link. The theme is "non-ridiculous, uncomplicated." thanks!!"
So obviously she's been planning, obviously I've been left out of the equation, and I an just really, really upset. Maybe I'm bringing it upon myself by not being direct and asking her if I'm a bridesmaid or not, but I just don't feel like that's right.
I guess I just don't really know what to do. I need help, advice, or anything.