- 3 years ago
Hi, everyone! I’m new here, but I’ve followed these boards for quite some time. Now that my boyfriend and I are discussing marriage, I have decided to make my first post and ask for advice about something that has been bothering me for a while now. I would appreciate any advice and all opinions! I’ll try to keep in short but I’m summarizing 2.5 years… 😉 Thanks in advance.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. He is 26, I’m 22. He’s military, and we met while he was home visiting his parents who live in my hometown.
I’ve always thought my BF’s family was great and I’ve been around them quite a bit– After he met me, he would make the four hour drive back to our hometown to see me every single weekend. He had an upcoming deployment scheduled, so we had 10 months to spend together. I guess the problems with my BF’s mom began when he and I started to get serious and especially when his deployment drew closer. I really felt that we were almost never able to spend time alone together because we were always with his family — his mom specifically. She would invite herself along to our lunch plans and movie dates and she also got him every night for dinner while he was in town (she’s a great cook and she would buy his favorite food in advance so he would eat with her). I started to feel annoyed by this, I just wanted time alone with him every now and then, but I also understood that she wanted to spend time with him as much as I did… So I never brought this up to my BF and enjoyed the time that I did spend with him.
At Christmas time my BF asked me to pick a destination so that we could go on a mini-vacation, just me and him, after he spent a few days with his family for Christmas. I was so excited to spend time alone with him and I picked a spot in the mountains. We left on a Friday and were due to come back that Sunday — so we were only gone for two days. Well, that Friday night while we were having dinner, his mom called and told him that she was on our way to the mountains too! I was literally in shock that she was coming on OUR vacation, and she had just spent an entire week with him too! She ended up staying at the same hotel and even requesting that she stay on the same floor as us, and we spent the weekend with her instead.
I always kept quiet and had a good time anyway, but things got worse as his deployment got closer. I started to feel like she disliked me and she started to make rude comments directed at me. For example, my boyfriend took me shopping for my birthday, and when she saw what he bought me she said “It’s easy to spend money when it isn’t yours, isn’t it?” She made remarks like this frequently and one day I actually left her house in tears. I’ve always tried to hide my hurt feelings from my BF because I just didn’t want to start any problems (especially with his upcoming deployment) and honestly I had no idea how to even bring it up. On the day he left for his 9 month deployment, I held everything together until he walked away and then I started to cry– I had never been through a deployment before and I was really overwhelmed. She looked at me and told me to “suck it up.” Those were her exact words. He still doesn’t know that happened.
She ended up moving away while he was deployed, and I ended up graduating college and moved to the city where he is stationed and got my first accounting job. So he came home safely, and now we live in the same city which is absolutely wonderful! He still lives in the barracks and I live in my own apartment, but we see each other 3-4 times a week and we have gotten so close, he is even bringing up marriage a few times a week! Things have been great and since his mom lives 6 hours away from us now, I haven’t had any interactions with her. But then he asked me to come visit her over Memorial Day weekend with him, so I agreed. I was actually really excited to spend time with his family and I thought things would be different now. But it wasn’t different and I felt like she was putting me down the entire weekend. At one point my boyfriend left the room and she immediately told me that he calls her weekly to tell her that he misses her cooking and nothing else tastes as good. This really hurt my feelings because I cook for him all the time, and also because I felt like she was purposefully trying to make me jealous. She purposefully left me out of plans while we were there, like she waited until I was in the shower to ask my BF to go walk on the beach even though I had been saying I wanted to see the beach all weekend. Also, I just got a new promotion at my job and as we were leaving today she said, “Good luck with your new promotion. We’re excited for you. Once you get your raise maybe then you’ll be able to afford to feed him.” I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive but it really offended me. My boyfriend makes $10,000 a year more than I do and has 1/4 of the bills that I do. He still lives in the barracks and eats at the chow hall. I’m living by myself and paying for all of my bills and groceries on my own, but yet every time I go to the grocery store I STILL make sure to pick up a couple of meals that I can cook for him every week. I’ll admit that we still eat out about once a week, but isn’t that normal? She just makes me feel like I’m not good enough. Ever.
So, like I said, I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive but these things have really led me to feel hurt and even a little jealous (sounds crazy… I know) towards his mother. I know that’s terrible, I wouldn’t want him to have a bad relationship with her, but I just feel so resentful now. So I guess what I’m asking is, should I bring this up to my BF now that we are serious and it’s bothering me? We are scheduled to go on a cruise with her in July. It was our cruise, but when his mom found out we were going she asked if she could come, too. My boyfriend actually asked me if it was okay, and I said sure. I want him to spend time with her, too. But after our Memorial Day weekend I’m really dreading our trip, which makes me sad 🙁
I’m sorry for the length and I’m really looking forward to hearing what you guys have to say! Thanks guys!