- 5 years ago
im a long time lurker and this is my first post,im so nervous (im shaking)but i really need to get advice and vent.
To start,i’ve never had parental guidence so everything i’ve learnt has been on my own,i’ve come a long way and think i’ve done a good job with everything except my love life.
at 18 i had a baby with a guy who i was engaged to. for a year after he beat me badly most days till i left 9mths later.
i dated for a year ,then over 7 years i dated my partner,he moved in with me,we have 3 more kids.
i’ve been so naive and stupid,i love my kids but i now know i’ve done things in the wrong order. i’d go back in time if i was garuteed to have the same chidren i have now.
oh lord here come the tears….
i’ve been ‘waiting’ for 3yrs and all around me are couples getting married-with/without kids.this is not the reason i want to marry,most have been engaged a year, it just hurts,like a dagger to the heart,i feel so unloved and lonely,like others value their partners more than he values me,like they are prettier ,smarter etc. found out too late the whole ‘why buy the cow when you get the milk for free’ analogy.i just thought he’d ,i dont know what thought….
we’ve spoken about marriage,he tells me ‘when we get married…’ ‘at our wedding..’ but alot of the time he can be very jokey about it and drives me crazy,i feel like his not really interested in me/marriage ,he’s just comfortable.im in a situaton i cant leave and it is breaking my heart daily every night for the last week i’ve cried myself to sleep because despite all the talk i dont believe it will happen,at the beginning of the relationship i said i expected to be married by 27 and thats not far away,so its not gonna happen(so ive decided to implement mr.bee’s pact not for him, for me.)
i feel ruined ,like even if it happens now its too late,no-one will care and i’ll get the’FINALLY!?’ treatment.i’ll feel like his just doing what expected.
i’ve decided to stop talking about it to him or family now.im not going to pressure him into marriage cos it would be meaningless.everytime i talk to him i feel like a lap-dog desperate for his love and affection,my self-esteem is mush,i dont go out of my house,i feel fat and ugly so i just started working out.im rambling…
anyways,i know im a walking disaster in this area of my life,so pls be gentle.
what do i do? make the best of what i have? settle?is it too late?