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I can't give you the answer you want, but I strongly suggest seeing a counselor that specializes in couples therapy. Each stage of a relationship is different. Hopefully with a counselor you can figure out if you are just out of the puppy love phase or if there is a bigger concern for long-term compatibility. *sending positive thoughts your way*
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I think the most important thing to do is to have a real conversation with your fiancee about this. Soon. If there seem to be problems you cannot resolve together, I would suggest seeking help from a counsellor. I don't think that you should call off the wedding before you do both of these things. There are may different phases to any relationship, but this should be a very happy time for you both and you need to figure out what is going on before you take the next step. Good luck!!
I echo both opinions above me, I think you should seek counseling before you call off the wedding.
First, I'm so sorry this has happened. I know it's terrible for you. As for what I'd do, I'd probably postpone for now. A lot of vendors will let you leave your deposits with them and just pick another date later if you explain your situation. That way if you work things out it'll save you some money.
As for the relationship itself... It's hard with not knowing ya'll or the details, but here's my two cents. I could be totally off base, but I offer what I can. Based on what you said, you've been together about 2 years, correct? That's *exactly* the average length of time that your typical "falling in love" experience lasts. The initial experience entails a euphoria and excitement that's based more on horomones and chemicals than it is reality. A lot of people get the endorphins of the early relationship but have a hard time coming back down to earth when the feeling has run it's course. I am NOT saying you don't really love each other. I'm saying you may have reached the point where it just won't *feel* the same. Love must at some point become more of a choice. When my FH and I reached that point, we did struggle. There were several break-ups, and a lot of hard talks and choices before we were able to make it work. That being said, we DID make it work, and so do a lot of other couples. Don't despair!
Some possible things to help rekindle the romance. My first and foremost suggestion, and I STRONGLY recommend it, is get the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It has completely changed my relationship not only with my FH, but with my family too. The basic idea is that people don't feel love from the same things. The five languages are receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, and acts of service. Usually people understand all of these things to mean love, but one or two truly speak to them. With me for example, you could do all four of the others 100% of the time but if you never got me a gift, I'd feel like you didn't really love me. Not because I'm materialistic, the gift could be a dandelion you picked in the yard, but just because that's my love language. But if you do things for me, like do my laundry or cook for me, it says absolutely nothing to me. My FH is the opposite, he doesn't care one bit about gifts, but if you never do anything for him, he'll assume you don't love him. Realizing that about people changed the way I do things in all my relationships. I finally realized that when my mom asked me to clean the house for her birthday when I was little, she wasn't just trying to manipulate me into doing my chores! It's just that acts of service is her love language. Learning HOW to love someone in the ways that are meaningful to THEM can revolutionize not just your relationship with your SO, but everyone you love. I cannot stress enough how much of a difference reading this book made for me. I guarantee you our marriage would have failed in the end, because I don't think, with how oblivious I am to the importance of acts of service to other people, that I could ever have made him feel truly loved. It would have lasted a while, because we share the same secondary languages (quality time and physical touch), but eventually he would have just felt like he was doing all the giving in the relationship. Even tho when I got him gifts I would have been screaming "I LOVE YOU" in MY language, he would never have heard it.
As for the physical side specifically. Not seeing each other every day was a smart move. I can only suggest trying all the stereotypical ways of rekindling romance. A romantic getaway with just the 2 of you. Hot tubs and massage oils and wine? I know there are lots of websites with romantic ideas, try to find one that would appeal to ya'll. If you're that type of person, romancing yourself, reading erotic literature and such, could help get you thinking the right way if you're finding you're struggling with "getting in the mood."
And TALK ABOUT IT!!! Communication dude, can't doubt the importance of it! I know it's awkward, but there's no way around this one.
Good luck!!! Keep us updated, we're here for you!!
I think you should get counseling and don't worry about what others think if you decide to postpone or reschedule the wedding. Focus on fixing the relationship. If you decide to marry later, it might seem more appealing to you to have a small dsitination wedding and would take some of the pressure off of having to tell everyone the wedding is on again, if that's a concern to you now.
This is such a tough situation that you're in, and I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble with your fiancee.
I'd recommend that you not look at this in terms of money spent. Getting married because you don't want to lose the money you've invested doesn't seem like the healthiest motivation to me. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but couples counseling sounds like a good idea.
Your post mentioned the fact that you haven't been intimate with your FH in 2 months. Is this something you see as the source of your problem or a symptom thereof? Almost all relationships cool off after the first few months, as the horomones being produced by your brain change. Of course, the stress and exhaustion that come with wedding planning can also reduce your sex drive, as could any number of underlying emotional issues. I'd definitely sit down with your fiancee and talk, then definitely enroll in couples' counseling if you decide that you want to work on keeping the relationship going.
What drew you to your fiancee and made you decide to get married in the first place? Are those fundamentals strong? Have they changed?
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I agree with everyone else. Before cancelling the wedding I suggest seeing a counselor to see if there is still a relationship there to be rekindled. Liz.Smith also had a good point about the falling in love thing. I know that around the 2 year mark, my FH and I went through a rough patch. It wasn't that I didn't care about him, I just felt like we were in a rut and started questioning everything. We worked through it, and I am happier than ever. Don't despair. And don't worry about what others think if you decide to postpone it! It's more important to work on the relationship first before getting married.
I agree with other Bees.
Definitely seek out counseling.
But if you were my sister or my best friend I would say- DO NOT get married until this is resolved. If you were married and this was going on you'd be on here asking if you should get a divorce. So please don't go into a marriage with a relationship that is as strained and troubled as yours seems to be now. Also- please remember you have a child! Your marriage will be a big transition for your child. An unhappy marriage will not be good for your child. A divorce will also be a big transition. For your sake, your child's sake, and your FI's sake- don't go into this until you are sure.
We all have "dry spells" or times when we're not "playing twister." Sometimes this is because of stress and it's all mental. You think "I'm not in the mood." Try planning a special night for just that, and even if you're not in the mood, set it in motion. Because your body will pick up where it left off and you'll be back on the wagon in no time! Wedding planning is stressful and not very sexy. And financial woes often cause stress in relationships. Take a step back from the planning and postpone. Better to go through for the right reasons and in the right frame of mind. ***BEST OF LUCK!!***
I think all of the bees above have given excellent advice, but here is my 2 cents worth -- take it for what it is worth.
The time during engagement and wedding planning is tough. My husband and I fought more than we ever had during this period. You need to talk and not give up. Keep in mind that a relationship has its rough spots and it is your ability to work through them that strengthens your relationship over time. If you can work through this your relationship will be better for it.
Please keep us posted :-)
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Also, I want to make sure I say that there is NO shame in calling it off if you're no longer sure. No matter what kind of investment you've made, it's not worth making that kind of life-changing commitment, especially with a child in the picture. My mom has told me a dozen times that she loves my FH, she supports our marriage 100%, but if I want to call it off at ANY time, right up to the second I say "I do," to never hesitate for financial reasons or out of embarrassment. No amount of money or pride is worth making the biggest mistake of your life and marrying someone you aren't happy with. She made that mistake with my ex-stepdad, and she's said repeatedly that she just wishes someone had told her that it was okay to back out. She felt too pressured to do it to be able to back out, but it wasn't worth it. I sincerely hope you work things out and have a very long and happy marriage. But don't feel like just because we all offered advice in how to make it work that we wouldn't all be behind you if you decided to call it off. Do what's right for YOU, and your son, no matter what. Nothing is more important than that.
It's already been said that the first 6 months to a year of a relationship are the stage when you are what my husband referred to as "insane." You feel happy and in love and it glosses over other problems that you might be having... you also express love in different ways than you would later on in your relationship. For example, my husband wrote me love letters DAILY in our first year together, and now he has to take all day to write one and take a nap afterwards because it takes so much emotional energy. This might have something to do with the whole non-intimacy issue, because being physically intimate creates incredibly intense feelings of emotional closeness that aren't always backed up by reality. I'd actually encourage you to start being intentional about the fact that you aren't having sex, and take as much time as you would have taken on sex to work on your relationship, whether through counseling, or reading books like Five Love Languages (although not everyone's love language is easy to find... my DH doesn't really have one), or just going on dates where you don't talk about the wedding or make efforts to be physical with eachother, where you have the opportunity to talk. I'd encourage you to actually abstain as long as it takes to feel like your relationship is on solid ground without the sex... actually until the wedding would be best. And yes, my stance on this is influenced by my religion, but I think it's just a good way to live. Best wishes to you!
Goodness, girl, you've got a lot on your plate. As if the stress of planning a wedding wasn't enough to kill the libido (and it is, trust me), you've also got a little one that takes a lot of energy and neither of you has any privacy in your living situation. It sounds like there are a lot of environmental factors working against you, here. I would definitely seek out the advice of a couples counselor. He/she might be able to start seeing you within a week or two, which would give you guys a few sessions and a neutral territory in which to talk about postponing things, if that's what you want to do. In the meantime, remind yourself that there's a lot in your life that would stress any relationship.
Thank you all so much for your insite. We are not planning on giving up on eachother and it seems that he may be right about it being our surroundings that pose a difficult problem. One of the best things about our relationship is that we do not fight we communicate with eachother. I am so gratefull for all of your imput and support I do not think that many people realize until they are in a situation like this how helpful a forum like this can be. You can ask close family and friends but, they can sometimes be bias. Whereas, Weddingbee is full of its own kind of family and support that we all may need at some time. Thanks again!
Its cheaper to cancel/post pone a wedding than it is to get a divorce. Read The Power of A Praying Wife even good for gf and fiances.
Hmmm, I would be concerned about having so many issues in what is a relatively new relationship. Not playing twister for months after only being together for two years is a bit concerning. As are your doubts. Perhaps you should postpone until you can afford a place of your own and not live with your mothers anymore? I would think living at home would make it pretty hard to have a normal relationship. Whatever you do, don't get married until you figure all this out!!
I don't want to be flamed for suggesting it, but here it goes anyway, is it possible that you two have just fallen out of love, that maybe he just wasn't the one? I noticed that your post only mentioned the facts, not the emotion of the situation. Is it possible you are OK with the relationship coming to a close? I think if I hadn't had sex with my fiance and consented to spend a lot less time with him, I would see that as a sign that my feelings for him had changed. I think you have a lot of soul searching before you consider proceeding with a marriage with this man.
So - it doesn't concern me quite as much that you're not intimate at this point in time, as it does that apparently you can't talk about it. This is not going to be the last rough patch (major or minor) in your relationship, if you do stay together. Keeping a relationship going longer than a year or two requires work and dedication - and most of all, communication. It may always be easier to not talk about your problems than it is to fix them, but if that's the only strategy you have, you'll end up divorced sooner or later.
I assume that you have not had any premarital counseling, and like a whole lot of girls before me, that's my main recommendiation. You need to figure out why you're not having sex, and you need to be able to talk about it in order to be able to fix it. Sometimes all it takes is a concerted effort (a weekend away, a bottle of wine, some new lingerie) but there may be something else going on.
I guess I'm also concerned that you have thousands of dollars invested in your upcoming wedding, and he has almost nothing. I'm not sure what's up with that, but it hardly seems fair. A good counselor will also get you started talking about money, which it also seems would be a very good idea.
You sound like you have a good connection to him but perhaps it's not a marriage basis. Can you just be friends?
I am a huge fan of Dr. Willard and Steve Harley. They have a wonderful site called marriage builders online. Please go and get the book "His Needs Her Needs" and see if you can get a marriage builder counselor endorsed by the Harleys or some phone counseling.
I strongly believe in their approach to marriage.
You two OWE IT TO YOUR CHILD to lovingly do all you can do to save the relationship, rekindle it, and grow it.
If after EVERY and only every avenue is exhausted should you consider giving up. I had to divorce (very personal reason and yes, I had to do that) my xh and only did so after having the counselor AND my minister both agree that I needed to do so.
Sending you love, prayers, and good wishes for a fresh new start!
Jump on the counseling! The Harleys will do it via phone too. They have a very active web community and I personally know of one couple who REMARRIED after receiving counseling from them! I will be attending their wedding this year btw and my friend's fiancee will be singing at my wedding!
Their two children are so thrilled their parents didn't give up. I'm not saying stay together or get married if it cannot be properly healed or worked out, but give it all you both have. Give it priority and energy.
Look, a wedding is just one day out of your life. A MARRIAGE is a lifetime committment and promise. Long after your open your presents and after the photos have gathered dust, a family will still exist. It's up to us to do our best and recognize that relationships are living..they take effort. They take love and caring. You grow a relationship. Not one is ever perfect, but sometimes the most difficult of times can bring you closer together and make the road you're both travelling together all the more worth it.
i agree with everyone above. i think that relationships require so much work, and sometimes it is exhausting. but in the long run, it should be worth it!
divorce does cost more than marriage, but heartbreak is one of those things that money can't fix or buy. i would also STRONGLY suggest trying to work it out for your daughter's sake. i think she'd be more heartbroken than both you and your fiance combined. she's a child, and children take things personally.
i have a two year old, and can definitely understand what you mean by the intimacy issue, but we don't look at it that hard. really... life goes so fast, sex isn't EVERYTHING. yeah, we like it. but you have to think about the fact that we are in different kinds of relationships because of our kids. my FH and i both know we are so busy and tired all of the time that it just isn't really a priority. we aren't like other couples engaged and or newly married, because we already have a child and don't have all the time in the world for sex. (ok, that being said... we DO have sex, but we wouldn't ever judge our relationship off of it because we have a month or two of a lack thereof!!)
also, do look into the different stages of relationships. maybe this can make you both closer.
I think the other bees have given you great advice already. I can tell you first hand how helpful counseling is, especially when it comes to discussing delicate topics. A good therapist will ask questions in ways that you don't answer with a simple "yes" or "no." I went a couple of times with Mr. D and a few times by myself, and both were very helpful in different ways.
I agree that it would be a mistake to make any quick decisions, but don't let a date put added pressure on you. If postponing (without picking a new date) takes the pressure off of your relationship, then go for it. You'd hate to lose deposits if you do end up working things out.
This may sound silly, and it is hard to believe all the time, but my mom always told me that "everything happens for a reason." It's hard to keep the faith all the time, but I hope you find comfort in it.
Best of luck...
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Postpone the wedding first and get counseling, whatever has happened may take more than 4 months to fix. If you enter into counseling now you will both still feel the pressure of the "wedding date" upon you and the need to fix things faster. Call your vendors and explain to them what has happened...postpone maybe 6 months or so and go from there...your heart will tell you what is right. Good luck to you!
My heart is just broken! We are supposed to get married in Vegas on St. Patty’s day. I was planning on paying for the wedding with my income tax return and after running into problems while filing, I was told that I would have to mail in my taxes. Now the IRS say I will not get my refund until the week we were suppose to come home. I have exhausted all possibilities to get money to pay for the rest of the trip and it just simply is not going to work….I have tried to get a loan, tried to get a title loan on my car, I even considered pawning my ring to help cover the costs. It’s just not going to work.
To make matters worse, a bunch of family members have already bought their airline tickets and hotel rooms, so they are all still going, just not the bride and groom. I am soo upset! I feel so stupid for planning a wedding that I clearly could not afford and now it has blown up in my face and I am so embarrassed! I tried to barrow the money from different family members and no one is able to help.
So there it is, we just can’t get married and my heart is broken. Hope everyone has a good time.
i think maybe you need to re-evaluate how you feel about the actual marriage not just wedding. counseling could be really helpful as other bees have mentioned, it could help you work on some issues before taking the plunge.
its kind of hard to know your exact situation because i obviously dont know you or all the details but it seems like he may have a problem with committment. if he keeps promising things and then breaking those promises, you need to walk away. (i only say this because if you are having major issues before the wedding, then just think of how bad it could be after)
Deep down inside only you can answer this question. Really you already know what it is you have to do. STOP thinking about everyone else and their feelings/thoughts/ideas. Do what you know to do for you and your 4 year old child. You will be respected more for taking responsibility and doing "whatever" it is that you must do. Take a deep breath and go from there.
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So me and FI are suppose to be getting married in 4 months. Here is the problem, our perfect relationship has gone sour. We got engaged after 7 months of dating and many people thought is was too soon. We on the other hand knew it was meant to be. In the past 4 months or so our relationship is hardley exsistant. I do not want to get to personal but, I suppose it needs to be said so you all can totally understand the relaity of it all. We have not had relations in over 2 months. It has come to the point that we are almost both uncomfortatble about it. We have no idea what went wrong and why this happened. Except that we both are 29 and living with our mom's and I have a 4 year old. We talked about it and we both thougth with the way things have been that we should cancel the wedding; he say we should postpone it. The thing that I have to say is that I have put about $1o,ooo into this and him probably about $200. I'm afraid to tell every one that it's canceled and then we end up working things out. Then again I think that if I do cancel everything I will resent him and won't be able to work anything out. I am so confused as to what we should do.
I should also mention that we stoped seeing eachother everyday in hopes to rekindle out affections. We have had this conversation about what to do about us not the wedding three times already, is this a sign? So I am asking for any imput out there that may be beneficial to my horrible problem. If there is anything else someone needs to know to understand this any better please feel free to ask.
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