(Closed) I’m sad! should we cancel the wedding?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

I can’t give you the answer you want, but I strongly suggest seeing a counselor that specializes in couples therapy.  Each stage of a relationship is different.  Hopefully with a counselor you can figure out if you are just out of the puppy love phase or if there is a bigger concern for long-term compatibility.  *sending positive thoughts your way*

Post # 4
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

I am sorry that you are feeling this way.  I think the most important thing to do is to have a real conversation with your fiancee about this.  Soon.  If there seem to be problems you cannot resolve together, I would suggest seeking help from a counsellor.  I don’t think that you should call off the wedding before you do both of these things.  There are may different phases to any relationship, but this should be a very happy time for you both and you need to figure out what is going on before you take the next step.  Good luck!!

Post # 5
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Holy Family Catholic Church, reception: National Infantry Museum

I echo both opinions above me, I think you should seek counseling before you call off the wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

First, I’m so sorry this has happened. I know it’s terrible for you. As for what I’d do, I’d probably postpone for now. A lot of vendors will let you leave your deposits with them and just pick another date later if you explain your situation. That way if you work things out it’ll save you some money.

As for the relationship itself… It’s hard with not knowing ya’ll or the details, but here’s my two cents. I could be totally off base, but I offer what I can. Based on what you said, you’ve been together about 2 years, correct? That’s *exactly* the average length of time that your typical "falling in love" experience lasts. The initial experience entails a euphoria and excitement that’s based more on horomones and chemicals than it is reality. A lot of people get the endorphins of the early relationship but have a hard time coming back down to earth when the feeling has run it’s course. I am NOT saying you don’t really love each other. I’m saying you may have reached the point where it just won’t *feel* the same. Love must at some point become more of a choice. When my FH and I reached that point, we did struggle. There were several break-ups, and a lot of hard talks and choices before we were able to make it work. That being said, we DID make it work, and so do a lot of other couples. Don’t despair!

Some possible things to help rekindle the romance. My first and foremost suggestion, and I STRONGLY recommend it, is get the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It has completely changed my relationship not only with my FH, but with my family too. The basic idea is that people don’t feel love from the same things. The five languages are receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, and acts of service. Usually people understand all of these things to mean love, but one or two truly speak to them. With me for example, you could do all four of the others 100% of the time but if you never got me a gift, I’d feel like you didn’t really love me. Not because I’m materialistic, the gift could be a dandelion you picked in the yard, but just because that’s my love language. But if you do things for me, like do my laundry or cook for me, it says absolutely nothing to me. My FH is the opposite, he doesn’t care one bit about gifts, but if you never do anything for him, he’ll assume you don’t love him. Realizing that about people changed the way I do things in all my relationships. I finally realized that when my mom asked me to clean the house for her birthday when I was little, she wasn’t just trying to manipulate me into doing my chores! It’s just that acts of service is her love language. Learning HOW to love someone in the ways that are meaningful to THEM can revolutionize not just your relationship with your SO, but everyone you love. I cannot stress enough how much of a difference reading this book made for me. I guarantee you our marriage would have failed in the end, because I don’t think, with how oblivious I am to the importance of acts of service to other people, that I could ever have made him feel truly loved. It would have lasted a while, because we share the same secondary languages (quality time and physical touch), but eventually he would have just felt like he was doing all the giving in the relationship. Even tho when I got him gifts I would have been screaming "I LOVE YOU" in MY language, he would never have heard it.

 As for the physical side specifically. Not seeing each other every day was a smart move. I can only suggest trying all the stereotypical ways of rekindling romance. A romantic getaway with just the 2 of you. Hot tubs and massage oils and wine? I know there are lots of websites with romantic ideas, try to find one that would appeal to ya’ll. If you’re that type of person, romancing yourself, reading erotic literature and such, could help get you thinking the right way if you’re finding you’re struggling with "getting in the mood."

And TALK ABOUT IT!!! Communication dude, can’t doubt the importance of it! I know it’s awkward, but there’s no way around this one.

Good luck!!! Keep us updated, we’re here for you!!

Post # 7
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

I think you should get counseling and don’t worry about what others think if you decide to postpone or reschedule the wedding. Focus on fixing the relationship. If you decide to marry later, it might seem more appealing to you to have a small dsitination wedding and would take some of the pressure off of having to tell everyone the wedding is on again, if that’s a concern to you now.

Post # 8
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

This is such a tough situation that you’re in, and I’m sorry to hear that you’re having trouble with your fiancee.

I’d recommend that you not look at this in terms of money spent. Getting married because you don’t want to lose the money you’ve invested doesn’t seem like the healthiest motivation to me. I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but couples counseling sounds like a good idea. 

Your post mentioned the fact that you haven’t been intimate with your FH in 2 months. Is this something you see as the source of your problem or a symptom thereof? Almost all relationships cool off after the first few months, as the horomones being produced by your brain change. Of course, the stress and exhaustion that come with wedding planning can also reduce your sex drive, as could any number of underlying emotional issues. I’d definitely sit down with your fiancee and talk, then definitely enroll in couples’ counseling if you decide that you want to work on keeping the relationship going.

What drew you to your fiancee and made you decide to get married in the first place? Are those fundamentals strong? Have they changed?

Post # 9
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with everyone else. Before cancelling the wedding I suggest seeing a counselor to see if there is still a relationship there to be rekindled.  Liz.Smith also had a good point about the falling in love thing.  I know that around the 2 year mark, my FH and I went through a rough patch.  It wasn’t that I didn’t care about him, I just felt like we were in a rut and started questioning everything.  We worked through it, and I am happier than ever.   Don’t despair. And don’t worry about what others think if you decide to postpone it!  It’s more important to work on the relationship first before getting married. 

Post # 10
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I agree with other Bees.

Definitely seek out counseling.

But if you were my sister or my best friend I would say- DO NOT get married until this is resolved.  If you were married and this was going on you’d be on here asking if you should get a divorce.  So please don’t go into a marriage with a relationship that is as strained and troubled as yours seems to be now.  Also- please remember you have a child!  Your marriage will be a big transition for your child.  An unhappy marriage will not be good for your child.  A divorce will also be a big transition.  For your sake, your child’s sake, and your FI’s sake- don’t go into this until you are sure.

Post # 11
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

We all have "dry spells" or times when we’re not "playing twister."  Sometimes this is because of stress and it’s all mental.  You think "I’m not in the mood."  Try planning a special night for just that, and even if you’re not in the mood, set it in motion.  Because your body will pick up where it left off and you’ll be back on the wagon in no time!  Wedding planning is stressful and not very sexy.  And financial woes often cause stress in relationships.  Take a step back from the planning and postpone.  Better to go through for the right reasons and in the right frame of mind.  ***BEST OF LUCK!!***

Post # 12
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I think all of the bees above have given excellent advice, but here is my 2 cents worth — take it for what it is worth.

The time during engagement and wedding planning is tough.  My husband and I fought more than we ever had during this period.  You need to talk and not give up.  Keep in mind that a relationship has its rough spots and it is your ability to work through them that strengthens your relationship over time.  If you can work through this your relationship will be better for it. 

Please keep us posted 🙂

Post # 13
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Also, I want to make sure I say that there is NO shame in calling it off if you’re no longer sure. No matter what kind of investment you’ve made, it’s not worth making that kind of life-changing commitment, especially with a child in the picture. My mom has told me a dozen times that she loves my FH, she supports our marriage 100%, but if I want to call it off at ANY time, right up to the second I say "I do," to never hesitate for financial reasons or out of embarrassment. No amount of money or pride is worth making the biggest mistake of your life and marrying someone you aren’t happy with. She made that mistake with my ex-stepdad, and she’s said repeatedly that she just wishes someone had told her that it was okay to back out. She felt too pressured to do it to be able to back out, but it wasn’t worth it. I sincerely hope you work things out and have a very long and happy marriage. But don’t feel like just because we all offered advice in how to make it work that we wouldn’t all be behind you if you decided to call it off. Do what’s right for  YOU, and your son, no matter what. Nothing is more important than that.

Post # 14
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

It’s already been said that the first 6 months to a year of a relationship are the stage when you are what my husband referred to as "insane." You feel happy and in love and it glosses over other problems that you might be having… you also express love in different ways than you would later on in your relationship. For example, my husband wrote me love letters DAILY in our first year together, and now he has to take all day to write one and take a nap afterwards because it takes so much emotional energy. This might have something to do with the whole non-intimacy issue, because being physically intimate creates incredibly intense feelings of emotional closeness that aren’t always backed up by reality. I’d actually encourage you to start being intentional about the fact that you aren’t having sex, and take as much time as you would have taken on sex to work on your relationship, whether through counseling, or reading books like Five Love Languages (although not everyone’s love language is easy to find… my DH doesn’t really have one), or just going on dates where you don’t talk about the wedding or make efforts to be physical with eachother, where you have the opportunity to talk. I’d encourage you to actually abstain as long as it takes to feel like your relationship is on solid ground without the sex… actually until the wedding would be best. And yes, my stance on this is influenced by my religion, but I think it’s just a good way to live. Best wishes to you!

Post # 15
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Goodness, girl, you’ve got a lot on your plate. As if the stress of planning a wedding wasn’t enough to kill the libido (and it is, trust me), you’ve also got a little one that takes a lot of energy and neither of you has any privacy in your living situation. It sounds like there are a lot of environmental factors working against you, here. I would definitely seek out the advice of a couples counselor. He/she might be able to start seeing you within a week or two, which would give you guys a few sessions and a neutral territory in which to talk about postponing things, if that’s what you want to do. In the meantime, remind yourself that there’s a lot in your life that would stress any relationship. 

 

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