Weddingbee boards

Take a deep breath. How long have you and your fiance been together? How serious is the dishonesty (not that it is ever something to ignore, but there are major differences in degrees)? Have you discussed how much this behavior affects you? Have you considered seeking counseling together?

I've been with my fiance for 7 years. During our engagement, I found out that my fiance had been dishonest about several grades he received while we were dating (he failed several classes without telling me). It turned out that he was very scared I would leave him if I found out how much he was struggling in his classes. Ultimately, he graduated on time (by overloading classes) and made the Dean's List his final semester. We both received a very important lesson on communication - something we thought we had mastered over 5 years of dating.

I offered my story because I was very scared when I found out the truth - it turned into me calling him late at night, crying and asking for an explanation. When we were able to sit down together the next morning, we were able to iron things out and regain trust in one another.

 The most important thing is to sit down and talk. Good luck.

**Hugs** First of all, I think, as a couple, you should talk with a counselor or even a religous figure, if that makes you feel more comfortable, about what you have just shared with us.  Your issues are not with petty things... these are pretty major items you are unhappy with (which you should be).  If you are worried about loosing deposits and such, I think you should talk with your vendors about postponing your wedding until, as a couple, you have resolved the problems.  Good luck, and I will keep you in my thoughts.

I'm so sorry to hear about your stress.  I agree with the above posters, take a deep breath.  One way or another, it will be okay.  There may be some tears along the way, but you will be okay.

A couple things about your situation strike me.  I dated a compulsive liar once.  It's really hard to sort out whether there's a deeper root behind a person's lies, or whether they are just plain dishonest.  And in my case, the compulsive lying was a symptom of a deeper disrespect, which ultimately manifested in worse ways.  So my point is, compulsive lying is a major problem and I would not advise marrying someone if that is the case.

That said, the things you mentioned all seem to revolve around the common theme of his being afraid of your reactions to his behavior.  Strip clubs, smoking, his past.  I'm not saying that it's a good thing he can't be honest about these things, but it might be more of an issue regarding how well you can communicate about uncomfortable issues than about how about his just being untrustworthy.  My FI used to smoke when he got stressed out, and it really bothered me.  I'd occasionally (like once every few months) smell smoke on his breath.  But I learned to not flip out, and rather just let him know how I felt about his behavior b/c I was concerned about his health (and that I didn't want to kiss him).  He hasn't smoked in over a year now, but more importantly if he did he wouldn't feel the need to hide it from me.  You're not going to always like everything about your FI/husband, but it's important to be able to accept it and discuss how the behavior makes you feel without posing ultimatums (don't know if that's what's going on for you but...)

The one thing that does concern me, though, is what you said about things going too far with a stripper.  What exactly happened?  That really does have to do with your relationship, and not just a communcation issue.  Taht is something you would need to resolve b/c if you feel that he can't be trusted with other women now (not that you dislike his past), that is not sustainable for you...it will tear you up inside.

I'm going to agree with the above posters that it would be a good idea to seek counseling ASAP.  I think the most important thing is to find out whether his lying is truly pathological.  From my past experience, that would be a deal breaker.  If that's not the case, then I think you really need to sort out what happened with the stripper b/c that's pretty serious.  And beyond that, I hope that you are able to figure out how to discuss touchy subjects without resorting to dishonesty.

Good luck with it all!  You will be okay, you will figure it out.  It's good that you are thinking about this seriously now.  Give yourself the space and time you need, don't make rash decisions.  And please keep us all posted.  There are some friendly voices out here in cyberspace for you.