(Closed) I'm Scared…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

How large is the house in which is Grandmother lives? Is it an option for the two of you to co-habitat there? If that’s not something you would consider, than perhaps you just spend weekends with your guy instead? You shouldn’t be scared – he sounds so wonderful and loving (especially considering the care of his grandmother). I’m sure that if you ask him how you can help and how you both can remain close and connected not co-habitating he will be happy to speak with you about it!

Post # 4
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I could not have said it any better then MsMindle if you are truly soul mates and meant to be together than you can make it work….to be honest he should not be jumping into another marriage after just getting divorced, maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

 

Post # 5
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

Since his grandmother is so important to him, I think he would be very open to you helping him in anyway you can, obv if you are willing to do so. 

However, if his grandmother needs full time care, just make sure you are able to deal with the stress that this brings on you personally and as a couple, from expierance taking care of an elderly person is not a joke and is tiring both mentally and physically, I do not mean this in a rude way but it is the truth

Post # 8
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sounds like a tough situation.  If you do sort everything out and marry, his Grandmother will be your family and ‘responsibility’ also. 

For now, let him go.  He can take care of her there better than with you.  He can start cleaning up her house and getting rid of unnecessary things.  Then the 3 of you can come up with a long-term solution.  Can she live with the two of you at your house?  Can you afford an assissted living situation for her?  Can you afford to rent her a small apartment closer by with some home-health care? 

I’m sure this is difficult but you’ll figure it out together – that’s what marraige is about, right?  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 9
Member
9629 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am in a similar situation to yours.  And we fell in love immediately as well and he moved in with me after several months.  In our case the person we care for is his mother.  All of his siblings live hundreds of miles away so when his father died over a year ago he moved in with his mother to take care of her (she is 84, I am 44 and he is 49). 

Well, when he moved in with me we had a very long talk about her.  Luckily, in our case she lives right around the corner from us, in walking distance or a 1-minute drive.  At first it was difficult on all three of us.  She has serious health problems and is very dependent on us.  And we went back and forth struggling with her demands, at first.  I am so not a “caregiver” type so it was hard on me.  Plus, when you fall in love you want to spend all your time together, naturally. 

At one point I had to tell him he could either be her full-time companion or mine but not both of ours.  We had to set some boundaries and little by little she has gradually learned to reach out to others as well as to us.  And we are always there for her if she needs us.  But we only go over there twice a week now instead of every day.  We clean her house, do some of the cooking for her when necessary, and take care of her yard.  We also have our own home to maintain.  So, it’s tough and I can relate to what you are going through.

My advice is discourage him from moving in with her.  Is there any way she can move in with all of you?  Or is there any way you can pay a caregiver to help out and make the 45-minute drive, together, on a regular basis?  He may not understand what he is in for getting into something like full-time care of an elderly person.  It is extremely difficult.  If you two are as happy as you describe I would be reluctant to cause this kind of stress to your relationship, it may well cause harm.  And you two deserve your own life together.  Yes, his grandmother is important, too.  But that shouldn’t mean you have to lose him living with you.  There should be a compromise you can come up with to stay together and also arrange for her care. 

If he is your soulmate you shouldn’t be apart.  That would be so sad.  Be honest with him about your mixed emotions.  That is how I told my FI.  I told him I loved and needed him, too, and he needed to put our relationship as just as much a priority as his mother, or he could move back in with her.  I was starting to get a little tired of never seeing him until late at night.  And guess what?  He chose to stay with me and she is just fine!  She is fine on her own and she calls us anytime she wants or needs anything.  And we love her dearly.  She actually told me once she would never want to cause problems between us.  I hugged her and said not to worry.  Because she is a lovely person.  And I know as she ages it will become more difficult and other arrangements will have to be made. 

I always tell my FI that we are in this together and I will help all I can.  He says he is very grateful to have my help with her now.

I was lucky my FI chose to be with me full-time and his mother part-time.  And I help out a lot, I do most of her cleaning and cooking.  And we drive her to church.  But then we go home to OUR house and live our own lives, as we deserve to live.

I hope this works out for you.  I hope he changes his mind about moving in with her.  I wish you all the best. 

Post # 10
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Why can’t the Grandmother move in with you? Or you all invest in a larger home that can accomodate his grandmother in your neighbourhood. 

Post # 11
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I am sorry for you.

But I think grandma will be part of the package if you want to have longterm relationship with him.

My suggestion would be to suggest her move in with all of you if you have room for one more. 

Sucks to be in this situation but if you don’t want to lose him, you will have to accept grandma in your life too. 

Alternative is to hire full time help to be with grandma if you guys financially capable.  However, some people don’t like this approach. 

good luck.

Post # 12
Member
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is a tough situation and unfortunately I don’t think there’s one “right” answer. Several years ago my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I chose to move in with her and be her full time care-giver. That meant that I was in a long distance relationship with my, now, fiance living 2 hours away. It was the best decision I ever made. I cannot fathom making any other decision. The time I had with her was absolutely priceless. It was hard on my relationship with my fiance but we got through it and it was the best decision for all of us.

That being said, my mother’s illness was on a definite timeline and although she lasted far longer than anyone expected, I was only her caregiver for a year and a half. It’s different if the relative is elederly and may live for many years with ever increasing needs. So you two need to find a solution that can work for the long-term. That could mean you all moving in with his grandmother. Schools will often work with parents if they are moving and want their child to stay in their original school, so talk with the school before assuming that the move wouldn’t work because of your daughter’s school. Or the solution may be to bring her to your home. Or to an apartment close by. Or to a retirement community. Or find an affordable caregiver. There are a lot of possibilites out there so I think you and your guy need to sit down and discuss what would be best for all involved. Avoid hasty decisions without thinking through how things will work in the long run.

Post # 14
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

If he has been the sole caregiver to her, how could you not have seen this as a possibility?

You’re looking for a marraige, not a fairy tale, right? Because we all have parents who, one day, will need us to help them. Marriage isn’t just about the romance and attention of one-on-one time. It’s about sticking together through the messy stuff.

If you don’t want to be there for the messy stuff, you should not be considering marriage.

Post # 15
Member
9629 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@HoneySuckle2012:   Glad to hear you’ve talked with him and he’s looking for options to keep all of you together.  Good luck with everything and please keep us posted with updates.  I hope it works out for the best for you both.  It sounds as though he’s just as concerned as you are with finding a workable solution that makes everyone happy and cared for.

Post # 16
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Wow! You’re so fortunate to have found such a caring man. I hope you find a workable solution.

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