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Oh no, that's so annoying! People should either just come and not complain about it, or stay home. Period. It's not like you are making people fly to Hawaii against their will. We had a similar problem...one of our friends kept complaining about the cost of flying "across the country" to our wedding (sorry, a 3 hour flight is not across the country), and on, and on, and kept delaying making a decision. In the end he chose not to come (after the RSVP had long passed), and frankly, by the end I was glad he didn't because I didn't want to deal with his whining!
Right on sister!! I'd like to formally add my signature to this complaint. I invited you. If you cant make it, though you've had 2 years notice!!!!, I'll understand. But shut up with the complaints!
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Ugh, that's awful. Especially since you gave them plenty of notice. It's just a plain destination wedding! If anything, I think it could be viewed as selfish to have a second reception at home, which some people view as being grubbing for gifts (not necessarily the case, of course, but I think you're doing the right thing).
Keep your head high and your plan intact!
I know!!! I always tell my mister that I don't understand why people whine and bitch about not having money to go to our wedding since they had two years to save. His response? "you can't expect people to save just for us!" My response? "then they shouldn't bitch about not having money to go to our wedding then. It just shows that they didn't care enough about us to make that sacrafice. And I could care less if they don't go." His response: "oh honey, let them just be". ha ha.
I don't know if I'm just being a selfish bride or if I'm just intolerant of these idiots that are in my life with their whinings... My brother was complaining about our wedding too before he booked his trip. And I said: "you don't have to go if you don't want to go. But just shut up with your whining". ha ha. Of course I can say that to my brother, right? But to my aunts and uncles? Not so much cuz I'm supposed to "respect them". BS, I'd say!
The one thing that is always constant through any type of planning is no matter how hard you try people will always complain.That's what they do. I tend to make a point by complaining right back to them, it shuts most people up.
Example: "It's just so expensive to go travel nowadays and especially at that time of the year. I just don't think you really thought it all the way out"
Me: "Uh, I know right? I hate when I've been planning for years now and telling people about the date from day one and the place and for some reason people remind me of how I forgot to think it out all the way. I swear, I really should learn how to think and plan better huh?"
Its not quite Maui, but i live in WI and my family is in Ohio (14 hour car ride) My mom has been bugging me to have it in Ohio. Its about what you want and what is convenient to you and your future husband. The people that matter and who really care will come no matter what.
Good Luck
Ugh, so irritating!! If I were you I'd try to focus on the so-there factor, like, they can whine all they want, but it's YOUR day, YOUR dream wedding, and its gonna happen with or without them! They should be gracious to be invited at all! The nerve of some people. Honestly, I think it's awesome you're doing this despite people's comments. We wanted to get married in Greece but when we first brought it up we got a lot of complaints about the cost, etc. My cousin, who is a BM even said "Well if you get married in Greece, I can't be in it because we won't go." I'm like, okay. In the end because of timing and the fact that so many of our friends wouldn't have been able to come, we had to settle for a stateside wedding. Howeer sometimes I wish we were strong like you and said- so what?! The only thing that matters is us and our families!
I don't think other people understand how frustrating it is to hear complaints about your wedding, so feel free to vent here some more!! Let it out!!
My MOH is dealing with a situation like yours. She & her FI planned an incredible weeklong wedding adventure. She convinced her FI to open the guest list up to friends & not just close family. Then her childhood friends & even her sister fought with her about the fact they chose a destination wedding & that they had the audacity to get married in October. How dare they!
I feel so bad for her that I am the only one of her girl friends actually going to the wedding, but I think she'll have a better time without them whining the whole time.
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I know it's real..but it's almost imho become a "catchphrase" for people to get out of any obligation that requires money...
"I'd love to go/buy this/give you a gift/ do whatever, but...we're in a recession right now and $$ is tight".
That's what is bugging me over and over. It's imho the new national craze..even if you're NOT affected that much by the economy, you can blame it and use it as a scapegoat for various situations..such as a destination wedding.
I had a friend (now a distant friend and was going to be a bridesmaid who's a stay at home mom, her H makes well into the 6 figures who recently moved out of state) tell me that it's so expensive for her family (her kids are friends with my child) to go to my wedding..and were we PAYING for their room and board? Also was I PAYING for her bridesmaid dress??? Um...NO.
But never fear!!! I have THE SOLUTION to this issue. Use reverse psychology..
Since I no longer want them at our wedding, and T and I really don't want them in our circle of closest friends (after we gave them a huge going away party and never thanked us and she acted like a jackass at the party), I'm going to tell her..no, it's totally ok. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO COME. It's all right. It's going to be small anyway. The economy sucks. I can't afford either because money is tight and we're in a recession to buy your dress, after all I'm a single mom still and definitely cannot pay for your hotel rooms for you and the kids.
Give them an out. If you don't want them to come if they're whining too much or making things miserable, USE THE SAME EXCUSE right back.
Ugh, how frustrating.
My aunt called the other day to complain to me about how expensive it was for her to fly in town for my wedding....yes, it's expensive NOW, 6 weeks before my big day. Not so much 11 months ago when I sent everyone from out of town an FYI with some travelocity links.
All you can say is, "That's ok, i totally understand if you cannot come" Don't feel guilty, do what you want to do. I can't believe they actually expect you to fly them out to Maui! I'd be psyched to use a wedding in Maui as an excuse to go on vacation and get a discounted hotel room (group rates!) and whatnot!
Thanks Ladies for being so understanding and for giving me good advice!!!! It's one thing to talk to the mister about it and it's another thing to talk to the ladies who are in similar situations.
Of course, when we started planning our wedding, the economy was doing somewhat ok still. None of this recession crap we keep hearing about on TV. And of course, I wouldn't have done a destination wedding on Maui if it was like this when we started planning. The economy started tanking AFTER we put our deposits down for a photographer and a videographer, which was back in August/September of last year. And even if we did know about the recession, I still don't think we would've had it in SF area (probably really up north, close to oregon area) because I wanted something "unique". And knowing my family, I bet they would've complained then too. You can't please everyone, I guess.
And initially, I was going to invite just my immediate family, a few close friends and some of my cousins. Then I thought: well, let's just invite the entire family because I AT LEAST invited them and if they don't go, they don't go. And I knew some of them won't go. So, no lost, right?
I'm a simple girl: I'm okay with people not being there at our wedding. I'm okay with just having my siblings, my parents, and his siblings and his parents. Everyone else is extra. I don't need them. But mister thinks that I'll regret my "stern" decision. ha ha. As of now, we have our siblings and our parents going. And we're thinking that because they are choosing to share our special day with us, we would use the money we saved from others not coming to our wedding to treat them to something special. (not sure what yet...)
I learned to say "you gotta do what you gotta do" a lot lately since many people were bitching to me. It was as recent as Thursday, when one of my aunts said "you know it's expensive for people to get there?". I said, "so?". And she took it the wrong way and said that I was being obnoxious/stuck up about our wedding. UGH! How do I say: "I dont' care if you don't go either..." =)
Bellenga and Josalyn, I have to use your advices....
ejs4y8, I totally understand regarding the fares. That's what your aunt gets for being a last minute type of person! I started sending out fares links back in December of last year...and of course, some people thought because our economy was tanking so bad, the fares may go down and so they waited. And guess what? The fares to Maui in August from SFO has not come down and in fact, it went up a bit. And of course, I'm hearing some people whine about it now.
Monalisa, thanks for your encouragement! I'm sorry you didn't get to have your dream wedding because of the "yappers" around you. Initially, we wanted to get married in Germany because mister and I fell in love with Itter, during our Europe trip. Golly. I'm so glad we chose Maui instead because I can only imagine how intensified the whining would be if we did choose Itter Germany.
Mojito, I'm glad your friend decided to keep with her wedding plans.
yeah thats really annoying.
just remember that people are complaining because they want to be there on your big day and probably feel instantly bummed that they wont be able to. of course, that is NOT an excuse to be selfish and try to influence your dream wedding...but maybe keeping that in mind will help you turn a deaf ear to the whining.
I haven't had any complaints about my DW wedding...I think it's my personality. My family knows that if they said ANYTHING like you've heard, they would get punched in the face. "MY wedding isn't about accomodating YOU. SHUT UP." (FI actually said that to his bro, and I was so proud! We really are two peas in a pod!)
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How annoying. Time and time again all I can say to people is the only thing you should ever tell a bride is "perfect. I love it. That'll be wonderful."
We are having a destination wedding as well and the place where we'll be married is fairly expensive so a lot of people are staying elsewhere. Which is fine, but some people who are extremely well off won't stay at the ranch (where it's happening) because they don't think it's nice enough! Pish tosh! so annoying.
Yeah, those airplane tickets DO sneak up on you! I'm just not a procrastinator...if I knew i was going to a wedding, I'd book asap and figure I was saving myself $$ and a headache later. Your Maui wedding sounds gorgeous.I kinda wish we were doing that, too...but the closer i get to MY wedding, the more i'm like "oooo what about that? and that? and that?" =]. Very looky-loo. I told my FI I want to go all-out for a vow renewal though =]
Could you throw a little backyard bbq for everyone to come to when you get back from your trip? Then you're including everyone who couldn't afford to come. And it doesn't have to be fancy, just some inexpensive food (maybe get your bridesmaids to pot luck it up and your immediate family since they actually WENT to Maui or have a pig roast which is common in Maui, and simple stuff) and some tiki torches and show everyone your pictures and play your ceremony video, etc. I bet you could pull that together for super cheap. Make some Mai Tais. 
I think Harmonyee has a point. At least I hope they are saying those things, or are acting disappointed because they wanted to witness and share in your wedding. It sounds like you'll have your close family with you, which is what's important. I think you'll have a wonderful time. But I am confused. You say you don't really care if the other guests go, but it sounds like you are hurt that they won't be going. I haven't dealt with the DW scenario, but my thought is you wouldn't have such strong feelings about these comments if you honestly didn't care. Could be off base...
Also, you said, " I always tell my mister that I don't understand why people whine and bitch about not having money to go to our wedding since they had two years to save. His response? "you can't expect people to save just for us!" My response? "then they shouldn't bitch about not having money to go to our wedding then. It just shows that they didn't care enough about us to make that sacrafice." I think you should try to take it less personally. I think regardless of having two years to save, some people just aren't going to go. Maybe they just don't have the money even if you give them 10 years to save. Maybe someone is afraid of flying or hates the heat, but using money as an excuse is less of a hassle (more of a standard generic excuse). Maybe they do love you, but it is too much to spend that kind of money, not to mention taking time off work, which they might not have, to witness your marriage.
I agree that if they can't go they should try to just send their regrets without making you feel bad. But I suppose they're disappointed. Try to now enjoy the amazing event you've planned with your very close family. And have a good time. Don't let these comments stress you out. You should be enjoying all of this as much as possible. Good luck.
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I can see why it's starting to grate, it is true, not matter what you do someone will complain! It's unfortunate they aren't being more respective of your dream wedding and wishing you the best with it. But maybe some folks are dissapointed they can't afford to share your special day... and that you don't seem to care that they can't.
Tanya123, you're right. I do sound like I'm giving mixed signals. (I'm so good at it, can you tell?) I'm disappointed that the people I really wanted from the very beginning are now not coming. I'm not so disappointed that my other family members aren't going. All my anal-ness will not be noticed. ha ha. And yes, your'e right. I shouldn't take things too personally. I kinda feel selfish for wanting them to make changes to their lives just for us. BUT...I know some people can't go for one reason or another. And I can't expect people to put their lives on hold and save just to be with me. I mean..I know all that but I can't help myself from having these selfish feelings.
Ejs4y8, we thought about doing that initially. We had our engagement party (BBQ) at a local park during the Labor day weekend in 2007. So, we thought, maybe we can come "full circle" and have a BBQ again during labor day weekend. BUT that plan may not happen since I'm having a hard time finding a job at this moment. (I'm in school now and will graduate in May and be taking my boards in July and getting married in August.) Also, some of the people that are whining now didn't go that BBQ either because of some other lame excuses...(oh, it's so hot. OR why can't you have it on a Sunday? I had plans ... ya de ya da..) Mind you, I gave them like 2 months advance notice for a freaking BBQ!
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This is a tough situation. You have every right to have the wedding of your dreams. The message you need to send to everyone is, "I completely understand that you would have attended our wedding if it were local, and I certainly understand if you cannot travel to Hawaii with us for our wedding. But you are so important to us, that we wanted to send you an invitation so that you wouldn't feel left out. But we completely understand that many people will not be able to attend a wedding in Hawaii and we would never be hurt by that decision." They are reacting badly because they are worried that you (or your parents) might be hurt if they don't attend your wedding, and they are concerned about undertaking a significant expense to travel to Hawaii that they may not be able to afford anymore.
Ok, can I give it to you from the person on the other side?
While I feel if someone does not like something they are doing with your own wedding, they need to find appropriate things to say or say nothing at all. However, you should also NEVER judge people or think that people can/or should be able to pay for something because either one or both spouses make over 6 figures as a example you pointed out. You do not know everyones financial situation personally so to make that judgement is wrong. I have known people and even couples that make over 6 figures and are still in debt due to poor spending habits and not saving or making wise financial choices.
While I understand you gave notice 2 years ago you were doing a destination wedding but you do realize peoples lives change in 2 years? My friend told me she has always wanted to do a destination wedding and I have known her for 3 years and she is getting engaged soon, however in the last 3 months, I have gotten engaged, have a wedding in less than 60 days, am building a house that will be completed before Christmas and plan to start trying to conceive next summer. Do you think we knew or planned on this 2-3 years ago? No.
I also think people asked about you doing a reception at home, not for them, but for you! You dont have to do anything big, but there are people that want to celebrate with you that are not going to be able to attend. We are going away with family for the weekend of July 4th and I have had many people ask if we are going to do a party at another time so that they can celebrate with us and bring gifts. While we are not going to do that for time reasons and the fact that I just dont want to. Don't take it in a negative way. People want to share in your joy with you in some way since they can not attend your wedding.
I am not trying to be negative or harsh, I do feel people should have more tact when making comments or opionons about someone elses wedding. Lord only knows I have had many comments and opionons made about mine, you ultimately do what you want. However, don't put people off by saying that they are bitching or whining, thats rude in return. I am sorry and I explained that to my friend, but I honestly dont think that I can spend over $1000 just to go to her wedding no matter how long I have known or have time to save. I can not put my life on hold. She completely understood and did not feel I was negative in any way. Its all in the way you approach people, on both ends! Also with destination weddings, you need to be prepared for people to not be able to come.
Just a side note too, because my sister is a travel agent. It does not matter, especially right now, when you book your flights. You can book far in advance and save or you can wait and watch and get good deals as well.
I agree with Bear9206.
I can definitely see how this situtation would be extremely annoying, but these people are your friends & family! Give them a break & learn how to be tackful & graceful in an undesireable situation.
Let it go. Those who can come will, those who can't, won't. My brother got married in Hawaii. I was in university at the time, and in no way could I afford it. I wish I would have been able to, but they wanted to get married in Hawaii. I sent them a nice card and missed the wedding. In this situation you have to ask yourself what's more important: the wedding and those who come or the marriage and life you've embarked on?
Bear9206, Poli2b and Mr.Chapel,
Thanks for sharing your views here. And I agree -- a lot of people's lives have changed over the past years...(for some, within weeks..)! I'm okay with everything now. One of my classmates said this to me: just cuz peple don't come to your wedding, that doesn't mean they care less about you. It's so true. Of course, it takes a while to notice when you're having lots of different emotions.. And it is true, it is the marriage that matters the most. Everything's else is just gravy...
@monalisa670 , are you sure those were your cousin's exact words? Perhaps he/she didn't mean it to be offensive, perhaps they were just informing that if you get married in Greece, its a bit of an expensive so they may have to think twice about coming. I'm sure that they weren't stopping you from marrying in Greece. @ all: Sometimes, I think that we just need to reflect back on the whole situation and not take things personally. Also if something is really bothering you, perhaps you can bring it up with your BM's. I'm sure they would appreciate that more than finding out how you feel another way.
My aunt has a niece that went to Vegas to get married. My aunt was really sad that she couldn't afford to go. She has watched her niece grow-up down the street. This was 10 years ago. So when I got engaged she called me and said please don't do destination wedding I don't know if I could stand missing another niece's wedding day. Some people really can't afford it and she fits that. But I do think other's are big complainers. For example, we are having our wedding 5 hours outside of Houston. We know that some people will not want to make the drive or pay for a hotel room. But our venue really speaks to us and it is only costing us half of what it would have been to have the wedding here. So far I've only had one complaint. This was from the husband of my mom's bestfriend's brother in law. I'm like are you kidding me I don't even know if I'll invite them. They are family of my mom's friend. I just laughed and said most guys think the wedding is going to be the coolest ever because it is inside an airplane hangar! I just turned it back on him.
Ugh, I really hate it when people judge how a couple celebrates their marriage. I'm REALLY big in doing what you can to make guests feel comfortable and everything, and we've gone out of our way to do that with OOT baskets and such. However, the bride and groom get to decide where and when they have their wedding, and they shouldn't receive any judgement for their decision. I'm sure you knew that some people wouldn't be able to make it when you decided to get married in Maui. As long as you knew that going in, and were understanding of people's schedules, what's the big deal? Like you said, just hand in the RSVP and be done with it! I'm never offended by destination weddings at all. If I can't go because of time-off or money, I'm disappointed, but I completely respect the bride and groom's decision.
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I need to vent...
So, the mister and I are currently residing in San Francisco and are planning to have our destination wedding in Maui this summer. We've been engaged for ~2 years now. And since the beginning of our engagement when people asked us where we're getting married, I informed them of our decision to do a destination wedding. So, as we get closer to our wedding and invitations have been sent out, all I 've been hearing from people are "why are you getting married in Maui? why can't you have a wedding around here so that everyone can go? it's so expensive to go there!" and on an on with their damn whining! And of course, because I delivered my invitations to the people that live near me (which was mostly all the invitations), they were whining right to my face and questioning my decision. And a few people said: "are you going to pay for us to go to the wedding?" WHAT? UGH!!!!
I'm so frustrated. Why do these people feel the need to put their 2 cents into my planning? Do they think I should give up my dream wedding so that they can come? I don't care if they go or not. I only care if my immediate family and the mister's family can go (and they can!).
And another thing: if they know they can't go for sure, why can't they just simply return the damn RSVP cards already? Why hoard it? UGH!!!
And of course, they also ask: "are you going to have a reception here too?" So I should plan another reception just for your convenience? Heck no! I'm done planning! The last thing I want to do is to plan some more to have to hear more bitching from people i could care less about. UGH!!!
Okay..thanks for listening to me vent, Ladies! Of course, my mister said: "who cares what people say? Just ignore them! They talk because they have a mouth." But I can't help it but to be frustrated. Normally I would just say "well, you're invited but you don't have to go" but because they are family, i feel I need to be more politically correct with how I handle this situation by chosing my words carefully.