Post # 1
And tired of waiting Bees! I may just need some advice, or someone in my shoes to relate with me to make me feel better…it’s definitely great to come here an vent but…
Recap…my SO and I have been together 2 1/2 years and moved in together 6mos ago. Things are great and he makes me so happy, however I hate feeling like I’m starting to resent him b/c of everything that’s going on around me. We went ring shopping Oct 2011 (forever ago) and his finances and everything are in order to buy a ring. He has already expressed to me that he wouldn’t be here if he felt he were wasting his time (he’s 33, I’m 27).
Just this past weekend 2 of my BFFs got engaged on the same day. One was with her SO for 5+ years, and the other only 1 year (he’s 29, she’s 31)…smh. I’m so genuinely happy for them, but it’s sooo hard to express it.
I have set a “date” mentally for myself and my SO knows…if we are not engaged by time for the renewal of our Townhome, I told him I’m not renewing the lease and I’m getting my own place. No we wouldn’t have to be done, but I will no longer “play wife/house” with him without a commitment. I feel that 2 1/2 years is long enough to know what you want.
All day and night, I’ve been acting so distant with him and not on purpose and wanting to cry, b/c I’m starting to feel like I’m not worthy. Then I get to work this am and every email has the word “Proposed” in the title…smh.
I just dk what to do Bees…:( 🙁 🙁
Post # 3
@Carolinadoll: *Hugs* ugh, I can see why you’re frustrated.
Instead of acting distant, could you have a frank discussion with him? Like when was the last time you talked about it?
Just say that “Oct 2011 was a long time ago, I am starting to feel very frustrated/worried again… I am tired of driving you crazy about this, is a proposal still in the works?”
Do you still want the same type of ring you looked at? You could email him a refresher picture or something if you want to be a bit more subtle.
I’d just try to trust that he’s aware you want to be proposed to before the lease expires. No point worrying until it happens. I would probably give him at least one more hint before then, though.
Post # 4
@Carolinadoll: ugh, I’m so sorry. Waiting has been the absolute worst. I am in the same situation, I feel like I resent my BF and it is causing major tension in our relationship. This should be the happiest time of our lives but I feel like it is getting ruined. I have no major advice for you other than to keep yourself busy and to vent with us bees. I’m sure when the time comes it will be fantastic but waiting for that time to come is the pits! We’re all in the same boat, stay strong!
Post # 5
Thanks to you both!!! OHHH and how dare I forget to mention that his younger sister just got engaged 2 weeks ago and his close cousin got engaged the same day as my two BFFs as well…
@throughthebarricades: Thanks for the *hugs* :). Yes we went to dinner 2 nights ago and we talked about it some more then, and he basically just keeps saying be patient. Uhg! I even quizzed him on rings and he knows exactly what I like & DO NOT want…so that made me feel good…I just feel like it’s not a “top” priority to him and I maybe wrong. After brining it up the other night, I don’t want to say anything else. I will try not to act so distant, but it’s hard b/c I’m so sad by how I feel over it all.
Post # 6
@Carolinadoll: (((HUGS))) I agree with PP. Talk to him pretty lady and dont be so angry when you do so, otherwise it will turn it into a fight. Take a deep breath and talk to him. GL xoxo
Post # 7
Just wanted to say good luck. I remember that feeling really well – am still not engaged, but somehow have calmed down about that (except for when I am PMS-ing, then I am a total crazy person who snaps at her friends and family, and cries to her SO, ugh!!).
Post # 8
@Carolinadoll: it’s good that he’s willing to talk about it. my advice is that since you have talked about it 2 days ago to wait at least a month before bringing it up again if you can. of course, when i was waiting, that was a big problem for me, i’d bring it up every 2 weeks! but i got better by trying and i think it was a really good thing when i’d go a month or two without talking about it. it’s so important to some guys to keep the “surprise aspect” of the proposal so i’m not that surprised that he won’t get into specifics with you.
Post # 9
@fingerscrossed: TY! I tot agree with you about the “surprise aspect”.
Thank you Bees! He called me over lunch to see how my day was going. He knew the way I left the house this am and how I sounded over the phone that something was wrong. When I went out for dinner last night with my gfs, that’s when my one gf announced she was engaged. I came home and my mode since then was not the same. He knew I was down about something, and he knew what it was. I tried not to talk about it and told him I just didn’t want to talk about it. Seems like everytime I get upset and we talk about it, it turns into an argument.
Well to my dismay this time, he seemed like a totally diferent man. He was so sweet and understanding and told me I needed to talk about it, and stop holding it in. He expressed he knew that’s why I was so down last night and this morning and told me since our last chat he his priorities has changed and he wants to be the perfect man for me and make the moment special when he does. Keep in mind I’ve never heard this from him before. He then tells me to be happy for my friends and that my time will come just be patient.
That def brought my spirits up, but it’s still hard…
Post # 10
Usually the best thing you can do when your boyfriend is making you frustrated is to put the focus back on YOU.
IE what can YOU do for YOURSELF
-write a list of goals, then sub-lists of steps to those goals
-write a list of things you want
-write a list of relationships/friendships you feel you should put more love into
-write a list of places you would like to go, or restaurants to check out, etc.
Basically turn your focus back on yourself and your life. Overly focussing on your boyfriend is typically a waste of your precious time.
From the sounds of what he is saying, he does fully intend to propose to you at some point. So, just enjoy your life and your relationship and make yourself the best woman you can be.
Another way to think about it is, when you are waiting you are always daydreaming about your wedding and wanting to be married etc. But like for me, once I did get engaged (FINALLY) I felt kind of wistful that the wedding planning process would only be for a short time (in the context of your life span), and then the wedding is over, and then you really dont have any other comparable event to look forward to! It will have already happened! And the whole waiting unhappiness that I experienced really seems ridiculous now.
If you trust your boyfriend and think he is an honest person with integrity, who means what he says, then I think you have nothing to worry about. He knows what you want so just wait for now.
Post # 11
I know its frustrating! But maybe you need to join the Shut-It-Up pact and not mention an engagement anymore. I would try your best not to allow yourself to be distant with him. He needs to feel loved as well and so do you! I get that its really frustrating, but at the same time your distance could cause a rift in your relationship and make him question proposing. Also I’m sure he has a fantastic proposal planned for you! But like most males want to be in complete control of that so you’ve got to let go and let it happen!
Post # 12
@peonies322013: +1 love your suggestion to focus on herself and make lists! I adore lists!
Post # 13
Try 3.5 years and been looking at rings for nearly a year with a guy that keeps postponing our engagement. First it was Aug 2012 then anywhere between Sept and November 2012. Then everybody kept telling me for sure in December. In August he laughed because he orginally wanted to do it in Jan 2013 but realized that was ridiciclous. so here we are Feb 2013 and hes still pushing it further but with my family celebrating my aunts wedding in July (my entire family centers their lives around this spoiled brat) he doesnt want it to be too close to hers. Im so frustrated. and shes met her fiance online 6 months ago and have been planning their wedding for 5 months already (yeah they dated 1 month). so to be not engaged after 3.5 years and then see this person after 1 month steal that from you…thats a tragedy.
Also, moving in with a guy is the worst thing you can do
Post # 14
@Carolinadoll: I didn’t read all of the other comments, so maybe this has been said already, or maybe (hopefully) you’re already feeling better! But since you set a timeline and he knows it, you really don’t have to get too frustrated. Either he is going to do it by the time you decided on or he isn’t. Don’t get too worked up, just know that you WILL know by a certain time and that may help put you at ease 🙂
Additionally, he won’t want to do it because “everyone else is doing it” so he might want to let some time pass since your friends’ engagements and yours.
The fact that you made it known you would get your own place after a year is really admirable (wish I’d have done that!). Also, guys tend to process “cut and dry” options very well so you have that going for you! Good luck!
Post # 15
@Taylorhea: I know it sucks! And that’s definitely a long time to keep pushing it back. Being that it has been a few months, hopeufully you’ve gotton some good news 🙂
And moving in with him was good for me b/c it allowed me to have that experience of living with him, yet I do believe it can cloud things. I wouldn’t take it back, but I can’t move forward without a commitment either.
@emmalyn: Thanks so much for this! It has helped that I chose to set a timeline (and not as a threat, but for myself). It has allowed me over these months to not get worked up, but this little devil is peeking it’s head again with more engagment and baby announcements lol. As our move out date approaches I think it’s becoming more of a reality for him so we’ll see. Thanks again Bees!