Post # 1
One of my closest friends backed out of being a bridesmaid this morning and I am so hurt! We have been friends for 4 or 5 years and in that time grew very close. I was even supposed to be her maid of honor in her wedding last year. She ended up eloping due to an unexpected job transfer and logistics surrounding that. But I spent hours helping her with color schemes, decor ideas, I even suggested her venue to her before they had to cancel the wedding(it was one I had really loved and thought maybe one day would consider for my wedding but knew it was the perfect one for her so I told her about it and she booked it). Since moving across the country last year she has had a baby. We still spend hours on the phone together and have maintained our friendship.
I got engaged in November and have been planning away. We are getting married in September. Of course there was no doubt I wanted my friend in the wedding. My best friend of almost 20 years is going to be my Maid of Honor but I was actually considering having a Maid of Honor and Matron of Honor because I am so close to both of them. So when I asked my friend if she would be my bridesmaid she said of course.
Well, a few days ago she calls me and says that she is having trouble with figuring out what to do about her son during the wedding(we are having a child free wedding). I told her I would be happy to help her find a babysitting service. She doesn’t trust anyone she doesn’t know though. Her MIL lives in town but has a slight disability so won’t be able to chase after a one year old on her own. I suggested that maybe her MIL could be there with the babysitter so that she has someone she knows but still has an able bodies person to care for him as needed. She seemed to like the idea and said she would run it by her husband.
Well, this morning I got a voicemail from her. She is backing out of the wedding. She says she will still fly out for the wedding but won’t be in it. She says it has to do with money but that doesn’t really make sense to me. If it were a money issue she wouldn’t be coming at all and I could understand that a lot more. The only difference expense wise from being a guest and being in the wedding is the cost of the dress. If they were hurting for money I would understand but they are absolutely not. I certainly don’t expect her to come out for the shower or bachelorette party and I told her that. She also said something about what if the child care doesn’t work out, she doesn’t want to stress me out with that. Well, this is f*&#*ing stressing me out! Even as just a guest at the wedding she still won’t be able to bring her son and will still have the child care issue. Besides, we have 9 months to come up with a solution! I’m just having a hard time understanding her reasons. I also feel really hurt that she told me this over a voicemail and didn’t wait to actually speak to me about it.
Sorry, this is so long. I just really needed to vent. I guess I’ll just try to focus on the other awesome bridesmaids I do have. I’m going dress shopping with my MOH tonight so hopefully that will cheer me up!
Post # 3
@kanneb: sorry but that was bitchy of her.
Post # 4
It sounds like she didn’t really think it through before she said yes. It’s an exciting thing to be asked to be in a wedding but it takes so much to successfully go through with it. In the long run I would be happy that she backed out because the pressure and stress would mount as time goes on.
It was definitely a bad move and I would be upset but ask to speak to her about it in person. I hope it doesn’t ruin a good friendship!
Post # 5
Do you think there are issues with her husband in all of this? Do you think he might be involved in what is going on?
Post # 6
@kanneb: How in God’s name do you know they aren’t hurting for money? How much is in their bank account? What present and future expenses do they have? Do you have any CLUE how expensive it is to raise a child in this day and age and then you want to suggest that she leave her BABY with some stranger babysitter? In a day when child molesters and child abusers are everywhere?
The bitch in me wants to tell you to send her a copy of this post so that she’ll save even more money by not buying a plane ticket. The cost of a dress could be a couple of cases of formula, a couple of cases of diapers, a medical bill or two or some padding for an emergency fund. Being in a wedding is NOT just buying a dress. It’s buying a dress, getting your hair and nails done, buying a gift, according to some of you on here it’s contributing to showers, transportation, hotel (if necessary), food, etc. It costs A LOT to be part of a wedding and even more when you have to travel to one.
It BURNS ME UP to see these posts where brides start to count other people’s money. How rude and insensitive can you be? She’s had a baby and that’s a HUGE adjustment for a new parent and you, as her friend are more concerned about her reasoning behind not being in your wedding instead of saying… I’m so sorry you can’t be in the wedding, but your presence means more than anything.
Post # 7
@Washingtonian: Thanks for the support
Post # 8
@hotteatherapy: Yes, I agree that she didn’t think things through before agreeing. I had a similar situation years back when I had a friend ask me to be in her wedding which was going to be in a different country. I agreed initially but when I really thought of all of the expenses and the fact that I was a poor college student I had to decline and wasn’t able to go at all.
I guess it bothers me the most that she just left a voicemail about it. I will talk to her and don’t think this will ruin our friendship but just needed a place to vent. Thanks for the support!
Post # 9
How do you know they aren’t hurting for money? I really dislike seeing posts on here where people assume they know other’s financial status.
I also don’t think it was bitchy of her (as a PP suggested). It sounds like she has a lot on her plate and maybe just jumped the gun saying yes. I can understand being a bit hurt but it’s probably less stress for you in the long run.
If she isn’t in the wedding party it is probably easier for her to bring her kid along (even if the kid doesn’t come to the actual wedding) because she will be able to watch her for more time as opposed to doing stuff for the wedding all day.
I don’t think her leaving a voicemail is really all that bad. It’s a lot better than a text or email! Now, if she doesn’t answer when you call back or seems to be avoiding you I think that might be an issue…
Post # 10
The extra dress cost- a dress pales in comparison to a plane ticket. And while I’m not one to say you should dictate what someone does with their money, but I wioild question something like this, and maybe drop a comment that it’s ok if money is tight and can’t come.
I hate suggesting this, but could you offer to help with the dress?
Childcare- now really, I don’t see the big deal in this. I think a MIL/babysitter duo is excellent. Not sure why this is an issue, unless either the MIL is a horrible person or they really can’t afford it (bringing me back to point one about the plane ticket, and maybe she’s better off staying home).
My guess is she’s either broke, trying to guilt you to let her bring her kid, or her husband “won’t allow it.”
Invite her, but don’t plan on her attendance.
Post # 11
@hermom: I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he were involved in the issue. I really dislike her husband because he is so incredibly unsupportive of her in every way. In fact the more I think about it, I think this very much has to do with him and his complete unwillingness to help her out with anything. During our original conversation about child care when I suggested he watch their son while she is busy with us getting ready she said “He doesn’t like doing baby stuff”. It’s his son for goodness sake! Thanks for reminding me about this. It kind of helps to give me a better of perspective on what she’s dealing with.
Post # 12
I noticed that you mentioned her MIL, so I’m assuming that the father is her husband and that he is involved. I may have missed it, but does she not trust him to watch the baby? If it was my best friend, or even a close friend really, I would be 100% fine going to a wedding myself.
It really sounds like there’s something else going on. I don’t buy the childcare story.
Post # 13
@kanneb: Chill out. It’s not like she waited until the last minute to tell you. People have lives outside of your wedding and plans change, especially if a child is involved. Hate to break this to you but her kid takes priority over your wedding and you can’t be upset with her for that. Be thankful she let you know this early in advance. She doesn’t owe you an explanation. Move on and enjoy your wedding without her in your bridal party.
Post # 14
@Apple_Blossom: These were pretty much my thoughts exactly on the money issue. If money were really tight I would expect her to say she isn’t sure she can make it or something. My budget is really tight but if that really were the difference in her being in the wedding or not I might be able to find a way to help her with it. Problem is that we couldn’t talk this over because she left a voicemail. I will call her in a few days after I have had a chance to get over feeling hurt.
It really may have a lot to do with her husband. It’s not that he won’t “allow” her but he won’t do anything to help her be able to participate (like watch their son).
Post # 15
@kanneb: He doesn’t like doing baby stuff…
Yep. That just screams supportive husband of the year award. I would bet money that he’s influencing her decision in some way.
Post # 16
@kanneb: it stinks that your friend can’t be in your wedding, but I think you need to respect her wishes. Especially since her baby can’t come, she might need to have the ability to run out and breastfeed/soothe the baby/skip the wedding entirely if the baby is sick and can’t fly etc.