Post # 1
I haven’t had many good relationships… And after a terrible engagement with my ex, I quickly fell in love with my current boyfriend, Jason. I needed a place to stay (as staying with my ex was NOT an option) and Jason invited me to temporarily stay at his house until I could move into my new apartment… Well moving day came and we moved a few things over, but after a week Jason started to say “well why don’t you just stay here”… So long story short… I never moved out and we’ve lived together and have been dating for 10 months.
It’s been kind of a whirlwind of a relationship, but it definitely doesn’t feel like it… It feels like we’ve been together for years (but in a good way)…. Well here’s my real question, is it strange that I honestly want to spend all day everyday with him? And I get sad because he works alot and some days I’ll only see him a few hours, even though we live together. But is that normal or am I needy?
I know we haven’t been together for a LONG time, but definitely starting a relationship AND living together in the first year puts alot of pressure and strain on a relationship, and for us it really hasn’t… It’s just brought us closer. But lately I’ve been feeling so NEEDY, I just want to be around him all the time, and I get frustrated because he has things he needs to do (um, hi work?).
So, what do you think? Is that normal when you’re in love? Or am I being needy?
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant
I think it’s a little bit of both! My fi and I moved in together after 6 months of dating, which seemed early to our friends, but it was definitely right for us. Since we live in the suburbs and most of our friends still live in the city though, we don’t see our friends very often anymore and do spend most of our free time together. So it’s understandable that you want to be around him!
But…just make sure that he doesn’t feel like you’re suffocating him. Have a conversation with him about it and make sure you’re on the same page. If he needs more time with friends than you do, you should respect that and give him a little space. Also, forcing yourself to go out and do things for YOU like hanging out with girlfriends is a great confidence booster and stress reliever. You just have to force yourself to do it, even if it’s not always the most convenient thing to do & it might just be easier to stay in with your bf. Good luck!
Post # 4
I think its normaly for the begining of a relationship… atleast in mine it is!
Once we hit the 2-3 year mark you start to want to do stuff apart but i think in the begining all you want to do is be together!
I always say that my SO spent the night on our 1st date and never left!
Post # 5
OK, I’ll bite. I will admit I voted for “needy” and here’s why: You never gave yourself time to recover from your past bad relationships. You were going through a rough time and Jason was there for you, so of course now you literally need him all the time. You have not learned how to make yourself happy. Do you have any hobbies or interests outside of your relationship? Do you work? It does not sound like it. I really think you need to establish your life and see how Jason fits in it rather than relying on Jason to comprise your entire life. I realize the job situation is a difficult for a lot of us right now, but at least find a way to get out of the house and do things on your own. Also, read this (jump ahead to page 10, the section on Commitment Theory). I don’t know you or your boyfriend, but it is something worth considering. While that article relates more to breaking up, I think it can help put some of the “pressure and strain” and how your living situation “brought you closer” into perspective. Good luck dealing with all this.
Edit to add that I can understand how it could be a little bit of both. I do think a lot of couples, especially in the early stages of a relationship, really do desire to spend lots of time with each other. I chose needy because it sounds like it is not necessarily mutual and it is not just about hanging out a little bit everyday. You are depressed without him and you pine for him while he is away. That is the part that veered into “needy” territory in my opinion.
Post # 6
I agree that it’s a bit of both. When R and I first started dating, we were young and our parents didn’t want us seeing each other more than about twice a week (we went to different schools) – it nearly killed us! I can see why they did it, but it was hard when we were in that new relationship phase.
Now it’s a different kind of “need to be together” – we’re perfectly content to do our own thing, but just being in the same room/area means a lot to us. For instance, we both have to study a lot, but it’s nice to be able to do it together, or cook together, or do little household chores while the other person in studying, etc.
We see each other way more than most people consider normal because we work together and go to the same university. It wasn’t intentional, but we are really used to it. Even though we don’t have classes together, we’re used to seeing each other during the day and at night. It’s going to be a difficult adjustment when we’re in grad school, etc, and all of the sudden have almost no time together. But we’ve done it before (I worked two jobs and crazy hours last year) and I know that we can get through it, it’s just not as fun.
ETA: I don’t know your situation very well, so I’m not sure how much of this transfers… if you’re worried that you didn’t give yourself enough time in between relationships, I’d say that’s a very valid concern. There’s something to be said for taking some you time to develop your independent identity.
Post # 7
I think it depends- it’s ok to be sad when he has to leave, but to be understanding that sometimes that’s what has to happen. It’s another thing to actually start making unreasonable demands like “don’t go to work so you can stay with me.”
But yeah, I know how you feel. It’s been over two years for me, but still feel like every day would be better if we spent the entire day together…
Post # 8
I’m crazy in love with my boyfriend and it’s been that way for over two years. It’s hard to talk about our relationship around friends because no one wants to hear about my bf non stop (which is what I want to do). We both travel an exorbitant amount and I think being away from each other so much makes us want to be together even more. It wasn’t like this with other bfs and I had a lot of good relationships before him (even an engagement).
I wouldn’t say that you’re needy unless you’re unable to do things apart. Or if he thinks you’re needy.
Post # 9
I agree with both, I think you might need to take some time to figure out what else makes you happy, and have your own thing going on apart form him.
That said, being in the beginning of an relationship myself I totally understand wanting to spend lots of time together, even when you just spent the whole day together.
Post # 10
I didn’t vote, it’s hard to tell and probably a bit of both. There’s a fine line and especially in the beginning of relationships it’s hard to tell.
My boyfriend of many years that I dated before my husband was a great guy. But he was sooooo needy. To the point where it was nice to feel loved but it just felt like I should rush back so I could talk to him or make sure all his thoughts were in order before sleeping or saying goodbye for like 15 minutes. I don’t know – to me it felt repressive and made me feel like I needed an escape, if my husband acted like that I would even feel that way now.
With my husband I’d rather be around him than anyone else and especially in the beginning of our relationship there was a need to figure out how to maximize time spent with him. But it never felt that same needy way it felt with my other boyfriend. If one of us went away for the weekend we’d call once or twice a day but to check in and tell any stories but if we didn’t have much to talk about or didn’t feel like talking I didnt’ feel guilt for only having a few minute conversation.
So I’m not sure what the difference is, because the want to be around him all the time I think is normal, especially at this point in your relationship. It’s just I guess how that want is channeled.
Post # 11
I voted other because I don’t think its normal/healthy… but “NEEDY” seemed mean 🙂
I was in a relationship very much like the one you describe yourself to currently be in, and it felt like a constant rollercoaster to me. When I was with him I was sky-high… you seriously couldn’t bring me down it was like I was on uppers or something! haha. But then when he was gone I was so depressed and NOTHING made me happy. There was nothing in the world that I would rather do than ANYTHING with him… even doing laundry or running errands! At the time I thought it was really sweet… but over the years it really wore on us. At first we were both like that but then he started to want to have more time to himself and it caused a ton of strain because in my head, wanting to go out with his friends = he didn’t love me. Or even when I could rationalize that to not be the case, I was depressed because I couldn’t be happy without him and he could be happy without me.
Needless to say, that eventually ended. After we broke up I was totally lost but (at the risk of sounding corny) I kind of figured out who I was. My relationships with my friends got a lot stronger, I got back into the hobbies I’d loved before I was with him, and I learned to be kind of happy with myself. Now in my relationship with my FI… things are so different and so much better. I LOVE being with him… but when we’re apart I’m okay too. We both need our space sometimes and thats okay and it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. We hold our relationship first above others, but we still nurture those other relationships. I think you really need to take some time to find things that make you happy outside of your FI, or you are heading for a major crash and burn.
Post # 12
It is definitely hard to say! I can understand your feelings, though! Things moved fast with my husband, also. I would just suggest that if you do continue living together and going down that track, to perhaps wait on an engagement for a little while. Everything is such a whirlwind now (it sounds like your BF feels the same way about you – totally lovey!) that you might need more time than usual to get a feel for the other one. It’s hard to articulate what I mean.
Post # 13
I didnt vote, but I think our situations may be similar. My FI works A LOT, he is a teacher and he coaches football and basketball. That means we have maybe one night a week to ourselves to really just be together, and most of the times he is too tired to do anything.
At first I was upset about the situation and I would mope about it, but as time went on and I got more used to it, I valued my time alone and with friends. In fact, there was a week when he didnt have practice for either sport and he came home at 4 everyday, I didnt know what to do with him! lol
Post # 14
I don’t think wanting to be with him a lot in and of itself defines you (or your relationship) as needy. Being unable to function without him, not having other friends (or constantly choosing him over them), always prefering to spend time alone with him instead of with a group of mutual friends, being paranoid about what he’s doing when he’s not with you even though you know he’s at work, denying (or wanting to) him the right to have friends or go out without you an appropriate amount … if you have those sorts of things going on, THAT makes me think co-dependency.
Also, I just want to say, as a sidebar – as someone who loves polls and makes them often, seeing that big green line next to the word ‘needy’ ALSO does not mean you’re needy. Limited options force people to take a strong stance when they vote in a poll… so if someone is feeling like you’re 51% needy, their response on the poll is the same as someone who thinks you’re 110% needy. So please don’t let that discourage you – I know it would me. I constantly have to remind myself that the wording in my polls is my own, not anyone else putting that label (or answer) on me.
Post # 15
It’s one thing to go through a needy phase or week…i’ve been there. I’m having a crap-tastic week and I just want to be coddled.
But all the time? We were like that in the beginnings of our relationship. Puppy love and stuff that is temporary. But it’s not “real” love to me. It’s that rainbows and sunshine. That goes away and is replaced by a deeper kind of love. Not that “needy” kind. Needy isn’t quite the word I want, though.
Is it strange you want to spend all day every day with him and get sad when he’s not around? To me it is. But i’m a very independent person. I have to have my own thing going on, also. But not everyone is like this and I am the first to admit I can’t relate to it.
I will say that there are many people out there who get so wrapped up in this “amazing love” feeling, they have their rosy glasses on, they get married, and 5 years later they are divorced, miserable, and angry at themselves. I have a few high school friends like this. They were “perfect” after a year and it all came crashing down when they realized that kind of love and romance isn’t forever.
I think it’s important to be able to function independently in order to function dependently. And uh, I’ve dated “needy” guys. They get kicked to the curb. They get really irritating after awhile because they’re so clingy! So make sure you aren’t suffocating your FI.
I guess what I’m saying is…waiting isn’t a bad thing and can help you decipher if what you’re feeling is true (and you’re ok with it or if you want to change a little) or if it’s a phase
Post # 16
As others have said, there is a fine line. The most important thing is whether or not your needs balance with his. If he doesn’t think you’re needy and wants you around all the time too, there’s no problem.
Sometimes I feel very much like you do! I HATE the fact that because we live apart and I have evening classes, I have to go 45 hours without seeing him every week. It kills me. My FI needs more space than I do, so it’s important to him that I let him play his video games and have his alone time. It’s enough for me to do other work in the same room while he’s doing that. The thing I’m looking forward to the most when we’re married is more time with him! At the same time though, I miss female friends too and have to work to make them a priority as well. My life is happier and richer when I do that.
I’ll agree with the other posters about the quick rebound.