- 2 years ago
I’ve been fighting with myself about posting about my situation here on the Bee for days and whether or not I should post it under an anonymous account, but I don’t even care at this point. I might be judged for some of the stuff here, but I’m going to be upfront and really ask for some understanding and constructive advice.
Writing this is alone is cathartic to me, and I’ll try to keep it as short as I can (and not too specific because I don’t want anyone trying to approach me in real life about this).
I have been dating my FI for six years (I am 24 he is 23); we met a month after freshman year started in college and have been together ever since, even through his attendance to a different school and our long distance relationship. We’ve had our ups and downs, but we have always been very loving towards each other and supportive of each other’s dreams; I admit there was some drama early on from both our parts, but as time went on we seemed to grow up together. We both graduated from school last year and got engaged that September–no one was surprised and our families were thrilled for the most part. I can say for a fact that my family adores him and always remark on how sweet and gentlemanly he is and how well he has taken care of me.
Last year (2013) he applied for and got accepted to a prestigious program a few states away for grad school, and after talking about at length we both agreed it would be good for both of us to move there so he could go to school–finally ending our LDR and allowing us to live together before our wedding next year. As time went on he started to get worried about the move (money, logistics, jobs) and understandably so, but still seemed to want to go anyway. I made preparations on my end over the summer by quitting my job and packing up my entire house to move in with some of his family members that lived close to the school while I looked for a job.
Things got harder since instead of seeing each other every weekend we were now down to once a month and traveling to see each other cost an enormous amount of money in gas (5 1/2 hour trip each way). I admit that out of being lonely I probably texted and called him more than usual, but I never thought it was excessive. In that time he also found that he didn’t get an assistanceship for school and had little choice but to defer his acceptance to next year, but it would be a good idea for me to find a job and get settled before he could move out there.
After about two and a half months (August) he started to become very distant and working really late at work. Something felt off, and I didn’t know what it was, but I started to dread planning the wedding because I didn’t feel like we were on the same page. I expressed my concerns several times and finally after FI came to visit me over Labor Day weekend he admitted that he felt we weren’t as close as we used to be when I was in school–that the intimacy we had was gone. I don’t remember all the things he said, but it ended with him trying to break up with me.
My heart shattered instantly. I never saw this coming in a million years, never from the man who had promised to always love me and take care of me and had never led me for a moment to think he didn’t care about me. Already sad and vulnerable I begged him not to do this (I know) and for a chance to make things work. He agreed under the condition that we postpone the wedding, which at that point I already felt was a good idea.
I fell apart fast over the next month and a half–crying uncontrollably every day and not eating or sleeping. FI and I were trying to make things work but it usually ended up with me sobbing over the phone. In September alone I lost twelve pounds. I managed to keep it together just enough to finally get a job, but I was so miserable that I handed in my notice at the beginning of October and moved back home two weeks later.
As far as my career and family went, moving home was the best choice for me. My old job took me back with new and better arrangements (and higher pay) and my parents were thrilled to have me home with them. In the meantime, my FI also moved home and got a new job, effectively putting us both back in the same state and only 1 1/2 hours apart (the closest we’ve been in three years).
To present day, I’m eating, sleeping, and taking care of myself again while I slowly return to work, but things between FI and me still aren’t right. He hasn’t said ‘i love you’ since that day we ‘broke up’ two months ago and barely contacts me over the phone unless if I initiate conversation (but he does always answer when I do).
I know that so many would tell me already to walk away, but in the few times we’ve been able to physically be together since I’ve been back (weekends) my FI is sweet and attentive as he’s always been. He will initiate cuddling, kiss me on the forehead, and he will hold my hand and squeeze my knee. He even drove the 5 1/2 hours to come help me move back home and was courteous to my own family that came to help me. But as soon as we’re apart phsyically things (to me) change, and I don’t understand why. My FI has suffered from depression in the past and has always been his own worst critic about being good enough for me, but I don’t know if either of these things are part of it. In our talks over the phone he expressed fear and concern that he would build me back up only to hurt me again or that if we got married we’d get divorced like most people in his family have.
I’m at wit’s end. I love this man dearly, and I’m trying to be patient, but I need more. We’ve tried to talk about what we’re doing and where we are but it seems like everything I say about it makes him shut down. If there is something deeper going on I want to help him, but I have needs too.
TL;DR My SO and FI of six years blindsided me with a break up, and now as we try to make things work two months later, his actions are confusing the hell out of me and I just don’t know what to do anymore.