I'm so lost. (Long)

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3647 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds like the two of you grew apart. Being together since you were 17/18, this is pretty normal. Unfortunately, from everything you’ve told us, it sounds like he’s not invested in the relationship any longer, but he still cares about you and doesn’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but I would not be trying to make this relationship work.

Post # 3
Member
12794 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You’ve been together for what sounds like a long time, but 6 years LDR and starting at 17/18 it sounds like you guys have just done a lot of growing up and growing apart.   So much changes, and on top of it, not being able to see each other regularly makes it all the harder.  It’s been 2 months and he still hasn’t come around.  It sounds like he’s just trying to be nice and doesn’t know how to just break it off (though he trying by not calling or anything) and is waiting for you to finally do it.

Post # 4
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel because I’m going through something similar. Our fiances even sound similar. Mine has a history of depression too and we are both long distance. He has recently become distant with me as well and I suspect it has to do with the distance and his emotional susceptibility. I have confronted him multiple times about his behavior and while cryptic, he still states that he loves me and intends to marry me. I think he may just be very homesick.

But if he expressed to me at any point that he no longer felt the same way about me and had doubts, I would leave him in an instant. In your case, it doesn’t sound like it’s related to distance since you’re closer now and nothing has changed. What is happening now is unfair to you. As you said, you have needs too. You need to feel loved. I don’t think you can change him. And you can’t change yourself. It is out of your hands now. Cherish the good times you shared and move on. Free yourself of your heavy heart and you will feel so much lighter.

Post # 5
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry 🙁 personally I spent a lot of time trying to make it work with someone based on their past behavior of saying they wanted to marry me and a life with me, I thought we could get back to that but we couldn’t. At 33 I’ve had conversations with other girl friends in long ultimately unsuccessful relationships and we could all kind of pinpoint when we should have moved on, I think this is likely your moment to move on and find someone else. I know it’s hard and it hurts but he is politely pushing you away, I’m sure it isn’t easy for him either and he is trying to let you down easy.

Post # 6
Member
2013 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

pinkshoes:  +1000

misskittenn:  I’m sorry doll, this sounds like the end of the road… it’s going to hurt like hell but you’ll figure things out. It’s time to refocus your life, rekindle friendships, pick up a hobby,  join clubs and try new things. Live for you for a while. Let him call you if he wants to… don’t waste your time waiting though. As that book (he’s just not that into you) says “don’t waste your pretty”. 

Good luck in this shitty situation!

Post # 7
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Instead of continuing to bring up the topic of the two of you (don’t feel bad, we’ve all been there) and instead of trying to guess how he feels, I think there are clues here as to what happened. If you do the math OP, you and your FI have been long distance since you were 21. —until almost the end of college. And didnt OP’s FI say they lost the intimacy they had while she was in college? Long distance relationships are tough. And you are still long distance somewhat. 

The other clue here is the timing of the September breakup and the different way he was acting towards OP shortly before it. Didn’t he just go through the embarrassment and feeling of letting down OP when he had to postpone grad school after convincing OP to uproot herself – very hard for both of them. No wonder things felt off to both of them. OP’s FI had to feel badly about where he was at in his life – stuck for a year not able to move forward with school and unable to do the things for OP that make her FI feel manly such as helping her with more emotional and financisl support in a new town. No wonder he wants to still see her as more than friends but not plan the wedding. By the way even if this was two straight BFF girls and they had promised to get a place together but then one girl’s plans changed leaving the other inconvenienced, I will bet that the friendship would be strained temporarily!!! 

In my opinion, it is understandable that the OP is now in reassurance-seeking mode (triggered in her by the almost  breakup in September because of HIS issues  and by the upheaval OP went through with leaving her life behind to be with him) BUT OP will be far better off if she stops bringing up “where their relationship is at”, lets herself enjoy the weekend dates with him, and has new adventures such as meeting a new crowd, vacation with the girls or alone, etc!  Discover some new bands. OP could try something challenging that she is passionate about.Her sense of loss/grief over the changes in her relationship with FI will heal, her confidence will rebound and maybe the OP and her guy will grow closer again.

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  littlechickie.
Post # 8
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

Sweetie, so sorry you are going through this 🙁

I agree with PP that it seems that you two have grown apart. I am not saying break it off, but I would highly suggest that you talk to him and ask him what he truly feels for you. Then go from there. BUT do not put your life on hold over someone who is not sure about being with you long term. 

If in the end he wants to break things off, it is going to be really hard but it will get better with time. Hang in there.

 

Post # 9
Member
7781 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m really sorry but to me it sounds like it’s over. It seems like he felt to bad to really cut you off and now your relationship is just puttering along. I think you need to really end it or he will soon. Sorry bee, theres a guy out there for you but it definitely doesn’t sound like it’s him.

Post # 10
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I agree with previous posters, it sounds like this relationship has run its course. I’m sorry, I know from personal experience how hard it is to get over a long and very significant relationship. These next few months will be hard on you, but you can get through it and emerge a stronger person.

It might help you to make an effort to stop letting thoughts of your relationship, your boyfriend, what went wrong, etc., be always at the center of your thoughts. After my first big break up, I kept a journal. I wrote my feelings in it every morning and then refused to let myself think about my breakup or my ex for the rest of the day. I also made an effort to pursue new experiences. What are your other goals besides your boyfriend? Take a class or take a trip – do things just for yourself that will make you feel proud and worthwhile and like you are moving forward instead of clinging to the past.

Other people may disagree with this advice, but when I was 26 and getting over the sudden end of an almost five-year relationship, it really really helped me to get right back out into the dating scene immediately. It reminded me that I was attractive, interesting, had many new adventures in my future, and that other people were interested in being with me even if my ex no longer was. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, just fun and validation. I guess that may sound shallow, to seek self validation from being with other men, but it really worked for me. I’ve been through many breakups since that first biggie and I’ve always found that the best way to get over somebody is to jump right back in the pool and find somebody new. 

Oh, and I meant to add: it may be useful to cut contact with your ex for the first couple of months, but if you can do it, it can’t hurt to stay in friendly touch with him. Move on with your life and don’t cling to expectations or hopes, but who knows what will happen in the future? Sometimes people grow together, then grow apart, then grow together again. It doesn’t sound like this relationship has had a horrible traumatic ending, and your ex sounds like a pretty good guy who has tried to be honest with you without being cruel. So why not leave the door open for the possibility of future reconnection?

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  ohnatto.
Post # 11
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

OmbreBee:  As to your advice to ask him how he feels, no way. OP is already doing that and it is not working. It keeps her in that vulnerable reassurance seeking mode. Neither of them can grow…or figure things out…with OP acting on her  worries. And sometimes our moms are right when they say not to push/act “desparate” (not that OP is desparate but the heavy talks aren’t the best choice from a dating/social point of view). 

Post # 12
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

littlechickie:  I understand what you mean. I guess it’s what I would to be honest. I think it’s best to know once and for all. But again, I understand your opinion. Thank you!

Post # 13
Member
5032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

It’s confusing because you’re both pretending he doesn’t want to break up. It’s obvious he cares about you a lot, but not all relationships are life-long ones. 6 years is a long time, but 7 years or 8 or 10 is even longer. Wouldn’t it be better to let it go now and have pleasant memories, than to keep it on life support until you both hate each other?

Post # 14
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

OmbreBee:  thanks, I just found for me that dealing with relationship anxieties by knowing when to stop pushing for certainty has resulted in a happier love life. Sometimes a couple needs more fun and less pressure. Lol this is advice learned from mistakes I used to make.

Post # 15
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

misskittenn:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve never been in a LDR but all I know is that is sounds really difficult and I don’t think I could personally do it. It’s really hard to connect and build a relationship with someone when you’re only seeing them once a month. Marriage counsellors say that to build a great relationship/marriage you need to spend at least 5 hours per week quality time with each other.

Sorry if I don’t understand the situation thoroughly, but isn’t there a way for you to be closer together or live together? If not, this might not be fixable 🙁

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